Greetings, Fellow Travellers...
It's not hard to account for the popularity of travel books
and magazines. Even those who don't enjoy travelling usually
have places in the world they'd love to see - if they only didn't
have to travel to get there. And beyond that, we are all
travellers on life's journey through time, though that's very
much a one-way trip with no stopovers.
Given that, what is it with the travel magazines? They all
seem aimed at a market we'd have to term "rich millionaires."
The stories in these rags are always talking about stays in
exotic castles and private spas on the Riviera. Everyone shown
on their flights travels first class on what looks like a sofa
with a seatbelt. The ads are all for exclusive resorts, fancy
jewelry or watches that cost more than the last three cars I've
owned. And the rich folks in the stories seem to down enough
champagne to fill a hot tub at Club Med.
What's missing from those magazines is anything like the
experience of ordinary travellers on a budget. Such as, what to
do about finding that lost luggage office hidden in the bowels of
Newark Airport. How to communicate with Japan's Chinese and
Korean taxi drivers without speaking Chinese or Korean - or
Japanese. Stories on the charms of Nebraska by Greyhound Bus.
Or, practical advice on how to travel thousands miles in a seat
that would have been too small the day you left kindergarten next
to a guy who hasn't bathed regularly since the Nixon
administration.
While we're on the road, Thanks this week to our friends and
contributors from all over, including: Rosana Leung, Jack &
Sherrie Gervais, Jerry Taff, John Adler and the Adler clan,
Etsuko Hori, Joshua Brink, Brian Siegl, Jan Michalski, Bruce
Gonzo, Tim McChain, Anna Macareno, Junji & Miki Taniguchi, Anna
Brink and M.J. Tully. Whether you prefer to spend your life on
the road or stay at home and read about distant lands, I hope all
your journeys are pleasant ones.
Have A Great Trip,
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ON THE CHEAP?
------------
Despite the joy and adventure it brings, travelling is
expensive. Airfare, car rentals hotels - it all adds up. Which
is why many people look for cheap ways to travel. An old series
of travel guides used to promise "Europe on $5 a day." Of
course, now that would be closer to $500 a day, but that's just
how the world changes.
So, looking for a deal on travelling around America? We
have a simple tip: North Dakota. A recent American Automobile
Association study pegged the summer price at just $131 per day
for meals and lodging for a family of four. Contrasted with the
daily cost for some place like Hawaii at $383 a day, and North
Dakota begins to look pretty good.
AAA also reported that the surrounding Midwestern states,
South Dakota, Iowa, Nebraska and Kansas were also good deals.
Of course, there isn't much to do there, but what there is is a
bargain. (Reuters)
[ Ironic that the only two really popular
attractions in North Dakota are the Custer
Battlefield, where the "boy general" was
scalped in 1876 and the Indian Casinos where
the tourists are sheared today. ]
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THE PLANE FACTS...
---------------
An Oslo-bound flight on SAS was evacuated recently when the
cabin crew noticed a peculiar, pungent odor. Fearing that there
might be a fuel or hydraulic leak, they shut down the aircraft
and offloaded the passengers while technicians tore the airplane
apart, searching for the source of the leak. After six hours of
searching, the maintenance crews gave up, unable to locate the
source of the problem.
That's when the airline staff started checking the
passengers. Eventually, they located one passenger with a new
oilskin coat that gave off an amazingly powerful oily smell. The
plane was finally able to leave Heathrow Airport only after the
passenger checked his smelly suit coat into the cargo hold.
(Reuters)
[ "Sorry," he said, "that was me..." ]
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ROYAL SWEET...
-----------
Want to make the Queen happy? Buckingham Palace has a
little list.
The Queen's likes and dislikes while travelling were
recently made public after the six-page set of instructions was
leaked to the press on the eve of Elizabeth's recent trip to
South Africa.
Things of which the travelling Queen is not amused? Give
the boot to mauve flowers and rare meat, neither of which meet
with royal approval. According to the list, crisp white sheets
and woolen blankets are the only proper sleeping gear and hotels
are to avoid placing a television in the royal bed chamber,
though one in the sitting room may be alright, so long as the
hosts provide a list of English-speaking channels.
And hotels are told not to bother with the local mineral
water, as the queen and prince will bring their own private
supply as needed. It was made clear that the likes and dislikes
on the list are the Queen's and are to be followed exactly.
(Reuters)
[ Do we guess from this that Prince Philip,
left on his own, is the sort to sit wrapped
up in a quilt in his underwear and watch TV
from bed while slugging down a beer? ]
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REJECTED MOTEL 6 SLOGANS
------------------------
Of course, all of the ads now have the folksy tagline "We'll
leave the light on for you." In my experience, the only reason
they leave the lights on is because they can't be turned off
since the cheap lamp switches are broken. But did you ever
wonder what possible slogans they went through before deciding on
the current one? Here are some of the earlier, rejected taglines
for Motel 6 ads:
- "We're working on that smell thing, too."
- "Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car."
- "As seen on 'COPS.'"
- "By Appointment to Her Majesty, Ethel Barnswoggle, Queen of
the Grand Forks Wheat Festival."
- "Put your kids in the next room and you can still hear every
move they make."
- "If we'd known you were staying all night, we would have
changed the sheets."
- "You could stay at mom's house, but we won't tell you to get
a job."
- "It's really more like Motel $35 these days, but you know
what we mean..."
- "Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't
have money left over for that fine meal at McDonald's."
- "We'll just leave the Lysol there for ya!"
- "Hey, we're not the Ritz, but you can't afford that anyway."
- "Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins."
- "Blurring the line between stains and avant-garde sheet art
since 1962!"
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IT ALWAYS STARTS WITH THE LITTLE THINGS...
---------------------------------------
Those of you who pay close attention to the world news know
that former Peruvian President Alberto Fujimori quit in a huff
last week, sending a resignation letter back to Lima while
visiting distant relatives in Japan.
But apparently, someone at American Airlines is more
politically connected than anyone at the CIA; they already
counted Fujimori out last year. Fujimori slammed the airline
after they downgraded the Presidente while he was on a personal
trip from Kansas city to Dallas last summer. Fujimori, who was
travelling incognito while visiting relatives in the States,
called the airline "impertinent." American Airlines apologized
and said they were investigating how the president's first class
reservation was bumped to tourist class. Not that it unruffled
any feathers.
"That (the president's) baggage is checked by a minor
official of American Airlines seems to me unacceptable," said
Fujimori. "I do not think airlines should become like
minibuses," he added.
Welcome to the real world, said Peru's political opposition.
After nine years of increasingly imperial presidency, they said,
Fujimori has become too used to private jets and kid-glove
treatment. Time for him to learn what it is like to be a
Peruvian, they added.
"Now he only needs to travel in a minibus, queue up for
social security ... live on a teacher's salary," according to a
column in the opposition daily La Republica. (Reuters)
[ You mean - Fujimori was treated _just like
everyone else?_ Shocking! ]
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MEN IN TWEED?
------------
It's not uncommon for small towns to mount advertising
campaigns selling their sites and place in history, like the
successful efforts of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania or Williamsburg,
Virginia. But not every town can be successful with such
advertising; you have to have something the public wants and you
have to reach the right market.
Take the decidedly zany ad campaign mounted by the small
English town of Bedlington. This far northern English city
mounted a very special ad campaign set to commence in 2001.
That's when NASA will carry the Bedlington Chamber of
Commerce's CD/ROM guide to Bedlington on the next Lander Mission
going to Mars.
The town says it hopes to become a prime destination for any
Martians tempted to land on Earth. (Reuters)
[ "You know, Qlazrp, I'm getting tired of
Area 51. It's getting so crowded there now.
Why don't we try someplace new? I'm sure we
could abduct a few people from Northern
England that won't be missed." ]
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NAME GAMES...
----------
You can't take the train to Bombay anymore. Nowadays, you
have to ask for a ticket to Mumbai, the city's new/old Indian
name. The rise of nationalism and suppression of India's
colonial past account for most of the recent local name changes.
Other sites have also been renamed lately. Victoria
Station, which had been named after the British Queen since it
was new, is now Chhatrapati Shivaji Station. The airport in
Mumbai is now Chhatrapati Shivaji airport. Beginning to see a
trend here?
Now comes word that local Hindi politicians also want to
change the Prince of Wales Museum. Their choice? The
Chhatrapati Shivaji Museum. We can never say that the local
politicians lack imagination. After all, they attach the correct
name to the end of every place name, so you'll know where to go.
And while the warrior King Shivaji features prominently in
Indian history fighting against Moghul rule in old India, some
have feared that overuse of his name for every feature on the
landscape will eventually hurt tourism by causing mass confusion.
Or, at least, leading to everyone in the capitol to eventually
arrive at the Chhatrapati Shivaji something-or-other. (Reuters)
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PLANE FARE...
----------
Benbecula Airport off the coast of Scotland isn't a very big
place and doesn't have all that many planes landing. Make you
wonder why an airliner carrying 55 passengers recently had to
circle the airport for half an hour waiting for landing
instructions, doesn't it. The folks there wondered, too. The
London Times reported that there was an uproar in the terminal
building as families watched the plane from Glasgow,
"tantalizingly within view" as it circled the airport over and
over in a holding pattern.
Officials later determined that the airport's only
controller was at lunch. They blamed the delay on a shortage of
qualified air traffic controllers. (Reuters)
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THE TRAVEL GUIDE SAYS -- WHAT?!
-----------------------------
A recent government-financed travel guide for Spain's Madrid
Mountains contained some usually descriptive language, especially
for an official travel guide. Not that it might not attract some
tourists. According to the guide:
"With mountains the same thing happens as
does with women, that the desire they provoke
is inversely proportional to the number of
times you've got on top of them."
OK... It could be a mistake, right? Or just someone with a
fairly shaky command of English while trying to express some very
Spanish thoughts. Has to be.
No such luck, tourists, as another section of the same guide
book describes one mountain as:
"black, svelte...hard and slippy, like Naomi
Campbell's loins."
A government official described the book as having been
printed by mistake, and that it has now been withdrawn from
circulation. But the opposition Socialist Party said that it
showed exactly where the ruling Popular Party's interests really
were centered. (Reuters)
[ And it clearly wasn't in the Madrid
Mountains.]
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ANYTHING YOU SAY...
----------------
Taxiing at New York's La Guardia Airport, the crew of a
departing US Airways flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn
on the taxiway and ended up nose-to-nose with a United 727 on the
taxiway. A rare mistake, but it happens.
The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US
Airways crew, yelling on the radio, "US Air 2771, where are you
going?! I told you to turn right on Charlie taxiway; you turned
right on Delta. Stop immediately! I know its difficult to tell
the difference between C's and D's but get it right."
Continuing her lambasting of the errant crew, she shouted,
"God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort
this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you
to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell
you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??!"
"Yes Ma'am," the humbled captain responded quietly.
Naturally, the airport's ground control frequency went very
silent after the verbal bashing. No one wanted to speak to the
irate ground controller. Tension ran high in every cockpit at La
Guardia.
Then, after a considerable period of silence, an unknown
male pilot finally broke the silence and radioed, "Wasn't I
married to you once?"
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© 2000 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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