ARTIFICIAL STUPIDITY

SUNFUN Does Dumbth

Greetings, Intelligent Friends!
     All of us do stupid things from time to time.  Whether it's
forgetting to pick up milk on the way home, turning the wrong way
on a one-way street or accidentally voting for the wrong guy. 
But, for most of us, such lapses are rare.
     "Chance favors the prepared mind," Einstein once said,
speaking of intelligence.  In the same way, we might say that
stupidity favors the unprepared.  You don't have to go far to
find that there are some people who absorb intelligence the same
way a black hole absorbs light.  We might call that the 'dumbth
field' effect.  You often see this at work in places like fast
food restaurants, where one dunderheaded employee seems to bring
the entire place to a confused halt.  Or on the road, where a
single moron driver attracts others.
     This introduction is going to be short because I got far
behind this week with everything that was going on.  Now some of
you are going to say that it was because of inadequate advance
planning - that is, it was stupid.  Probably so, but not quite
stupid enough to forget to say Thank You to all of the folks that
make this crazy thing possible ever week.  Thanks to our friends
and contributors:  Caterina Sukup, Nnamdi Elleh, Bernie & Donna
Becwar, Alison Becwar, Rosana Leung, Loniel Lee, Candice St.
Jacques, Nancy & Gerry Wohlge, Jan Michalski, Tim McChain, Bruce
Gonzo, Kerry Miller, Jerry Taff, Brian Siegl, Jack Gervais, Linda
Augsburg-Stirratt, Sharon Nuernburg, Larry Sakar and Joshua
Brink.  Maybe I should point out that all of these people seem to
make fewer silly mistakes than I do.  Everyone flubs now and
again, I just hope that any of your mistakes are small ones.
     Have A High IQ Week,


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FUZZY MATH...
----------
     A German TV game show, gloating a little in the wake of the
Florida vote count, tried a little experiment of their own with
three American exchange students.  The students were assigned to
count the number of chairs in the game show's auditorium.
     After an hour of counting, host Thomas Gottschalk of the
popular German program "Wetten dass?" (Wanna Bet?) asked for
their answer.
     He got three different counts, ranging from 1,860 to 2,077.
     "Americans can't count," said the newspaper "Die Welt." 
(Reuters)
          [ They were confused by the 'hanging chad.' ]


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     "You mean to tell me that those old ladies in Palm
     Beach, Florida can play 15 Bingo Cards and talk on a
     cell phone SIMULTANEOUSLY, but can't punch a simple
     ballot?"
                            - David Letterman

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POLITICALLY INCORRECT?
---------------------
     We Americans usually regard Canadian federal politics as
being only slightly less boring than reading the phone book, but
maybe it's time for another look.  In the middle of a busy
campaign season in Vancouver, BC (Canada), one party's leading
candidate took time out to announce that he will not be appearing
naked any time soon.
     "I best not appear in the nude if I want to succeed,"
Liberal Party candidate Lee Rankin, 47, told the Vancouver Sun
newspaper.  "Nobody would ever want to see me nude."
     The statement was in response to the actions of his
opponent, New Democratic Party candidate Lorrie Williams, 60, who
was featured driving a red convertible car in a calendar sold to
benefit the homeless while wearing sunglasses.  Just sunglasses.
     Better yet is the outrageous title of the calendar in
question, "Dames Do It For The Homeless 2001."  (Reuters)
          [ It's refreshing to find a politician with
          nothing to hide. ]


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     "My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember
     me after I'm dead."
                            - Some dead guy 

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HE MISSED...
---------
     Kesaraporn Duangsawan won 6,000 baht ($138) and a place as
first runner up in the beauty pageant in the central Thai
province of Ratchaburi last week, only to be disqualified on a
technicality.
     Kesaranporn was held to be ineligible for the Miss Loy
Krathong Festival Pageant based only on the fact that she was
discovered to be a he.  A police officer told reporters some of
the contestants had complained of unfair competition telling
judges that Kesaraporn was actually male.  The 22-year-old winner
handed back the money, but asked to keep the "Miss Media" runner-
up sash.  (Reuters)
          [ I guess that disqualifies him for "Miss
          Congeniality," too... ]


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TURNABOUT FAIR PLAY?
-------------------
     In the news business, they used to say that dog biting man
is a commonplace, but man biting dog is news.
     These days, of course, it's a court case.
     I give you furniture mover Steven Maul, 24, who as part of
what he called "primal training" bit his 80-pound (36kg) labrador
puppy "Boo" on the neck.  Maul has described the bites as part of
"nature's way" of dog training by harnessing evolutionary models
of pack behavior.  The animal is currently under the care of
authorities after onlookers complained to authorities after
seeing Maul apparently bite back.
     "Nothing here was cruel or hurtful," Maul's attorney, Jasper
Monti, told the San Francisco Chronicle after Maul was held on
charges of animal cruelty.  "My client in fact has French kissed
his dog.  My client is very oral."  (Reuters)
          [ French kissing a dog?  Well, he's very
          something... ]


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THE LAW IS TOUGH IN TEXAS...
-------------------------
     Twenty-nine-year-old Kenneth Payne III was granted a new
trial recently in the hope of reversing his 16-year sentence for
theft.  Payne had received the heavy sentence after his
conviction under Texas' tough 'habitual criminal' laws.  His
crime?  He shoplifted a Snickers candy bar from a convenience
store.
     Prosecutors asked for the harsher sentence because Payne was
on parole at the time after his earlier conviction on stealing a
bag of Oreo cookies.  (AP)


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THAT'S THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES...
----------------------------------
     Speaking of baked goods in court, you'll be happy to know
that the case of the mad cookie crumbler of Pennsylvania has been
caught and convicted.  He faces up to 180 days in jail.
     Supermarket owners in the Philadelphia area were baffled by
a rash of destroyed baked goods including bashed bread, bent
bagels and crushed cookies.  In the end, they set up surveillance
camera to catch the perpetrator, who turned out to be a 37-year-
old advertising executive, Samuel Feldman.
     Feldman was taped damaging goods on seven separate occasions
manhandling. He was charged with damaging 3,087 loaves of bread,
175 bags of bagels and 227 bags of potato dinner rolls - a total
of nearly $8,000 in damaged goods.
     And that's alot of dough.  (Reuters)


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LIFE'S GRANDER AMBITIONS...
------------------------
     Former Philippine First Lady Imelda Marcos reported recently
that, thanks to contributions from friends and supporters, she
has been able to buy replacements for the thousands of shoes
confiscated when she and husband Ferdinand were forced to flee
the country years ago.
     "I have more shoes than ever before," reports Imelda.


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THE NUMBERS GAME
----------------
     Police recruitment is way down in England, a problem they
have been working to overcome.
     Now the police seem to have come up with an answer - recruit
new officers from the ranks of criminals.
     Well, former criminals, anyway.  At least, they hope they
are former criminals.  London's Metropolitan Police said it would
no longer automatically bar people with criminal records from
applying to join.
     "This wouldn't apply to people who had shown criminal
intent, like burglary," a spokeswoman said.  "But it means if
someone had committed a minor offense they would not be
automatically sifted out, as they were before."  A rule against
officers having tattoos was also lifted.  (Reuters)
          [ I get it!  Set a thief to catch a thief? ]


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GAME PLAN
---------
     Most people know that the game "Monopoly" uses the names of
streets and places around Atlantic City, New Jersey.  What many
don't know is that one street is missing from the Atlantic City
map.  You can't buy property on the street "Marvin Gardens"
because it doesn't exist - but Marven Gardens does.  No one at
Parker Brothers knows when or where this minor bit of spelling
stupidity crept in, but it would be too expensive to fix.


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HIGH STANDARDS...
--------------
     In a recent recruiting ad, the U.S. Forest service announced
a job opening for a fire prevention technician that ended: "...
Only applicants who do not meet the [Office of Personnel]
qualifications requirements will be considered."


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IT'S THE LAW...
------------
     Sometimes laws get passed in odd combinations with several
unrelated bills combined into one measure.  That's what happened
recently in Oklahoma, where a law banning the sport of bear
wrestling was combined with a bill toughening penalties for
spouse abuse.
     What caught the attention of everyone but the legislators is
that, under the combined bill, the penalty for wrestling a bear
in Oklahoma carries a five thousand dollar fine.  Abusing a
current or former spouse carries only a two-thousand dollar fine.


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OTHER PRIORITIES
----------------
     Firefighters in Prince Georges County, Maryland arrived at
the scene of a two-story townhouse fire in good time.  Then the
two paid and six volunteer firefighters got into an argument
about who should be first to carry the hose into the burning
building.  Tempers flared and a fight broke out that required
county police to restore order.  No word on what this meant for
the townhouse.


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ON HIGHER AUTHORITY
-------------------
     Norman and Melissa Cameron of Hartford, Connecticut are
three months behind on their mortgage.  You might think that they
would feel that they are in a bind, right?  Nope.  They have
every confidence that the Federal National Mortgage Association
will settle their $54,000 debt without any input from them.
     God told them they don't have to pay the debt.
     In court papers filed recently, the Camerons claimed that
they signed for the loan "without being equipped with truth ...
and void of Godly wisdom."  The couple says they have prayed to
God and now have "total free and clear possession" of the
property.
     "When I read it, I was taken aback," said Hartford-based
lawyer Richard Leibert, representing the lender.  "They've
admitted all of the allegations in the complaint.  They just want
to be discharged from their debt."

     "It was our desire to be free from this mortgage debt," the
couple said in court filings.  "Therefore we asked God our
Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ.  He heard us and he
freed us from this mortgage bondage."
     The Camerons could not be reached for comment, but legal
scholars agree that their claim of divine immunity doesn't have a
prayer.  (AP)
          [ Seems to me it says something about giving
          Caesar the things that are Caesar's... ]


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