Hello, Fellow Voters...
Those of you here in the U.S. take heart - only two more
days until all those awful political ads stop for a while. Oh,
and there's an election, too. Yes, it is finally here, so we
have about a two year break until the next congressional election
season. While the advertising this year hasn't been quite as
nasty as in the recent past, it is still enough to leave all
sides damaged to one extent or another. Maybe that is part of
why our view of politicians is near an all-time low. Nowadays,
when we see a politician next to a baby, we can't be sure if the
candidate is trying to kiss the baby or steal its lollipop.
We usually judge politicians on the basis of what they say
in their speeches or in TV soundbites. That's an awful lot like
trying to judge how religious a church is by the sound of its
bells. Some really able statesmen of the past were verbal
stumblebums. Thomas Jefferson, despite being recognized even in
his own time as a genius, was so poor at public speaking that he
gave only one or two addresses in his whole time in the White
House. In these days of the ten-second soundbite, he wouldn't
even be able to get himself elected to the local school board.
And that's a pity.
We always have a great many stupid quotes from politicians,
not necessarily because they are so much stupider than other
folks, but because they are always speaking in public, make many
bold pronouncements about things that they don't quite understand
and they say these things in front of journalists and TV cameras.
So of course we hear every flub they make. And some politicians
make more than others, that's for sure.
Which brings us to Indiana's favorite son, Danforth Quayle.
I have specifically limited the quotes from Dan to the few
silliest, because the former senator and vice president is a
veritable fountain of gaffes. Quayle's flubs are so famously
foolish that a recent list on a Rush Limbaugh fan website
attempted to pin a number of them on Al Gore. Sorry folks... Al
may say some silly things, but his worst enemies can't claim that
he's the certified, Grade-A dunderhead that Quayle is - not on
his worst day. Even the sometimes tortured speaking style of
George W. Bush doesn't ever quite sink to the Quayle level. D.Q.
remains the undefeated champ chump of the political blooper.
Thanks this week to all of our tireless campaigners,
including: Naomi Ogawa, Jan Michalski, Jerry Taff, Brian Siegl,
Jack Gervais, Helen Yee, Larry Sakar, Tim McChain, Kerry Miller,
Nnamdi Elleh, Bruce Gonzo, Carol Becwar, Diana Lee, Joshua Brink,
Alison Becwar, Anna Macareno, Stacie Meyer, Howard Lesniak, Mike
& R.J. Tully, Laura Hong Li, Peter Adler, Caterina Sukup, Judy
McCallum, Sharon Nuernberg, and Fumiko Umino. I'll leave it to
you as to which candidate would be better for the country, but I
know which would be better for Funnies. I just have to decide if
four years of sure-fire Funnies material is worth all the trouble
it would be otherwise.
Have A Great Election Day,
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"I don't think we have an obligation to carry a
commercial of the two political parties simply because
they would like us to."
- Veteran ABC newsman Sam Donaldson,
on the broadcast networks' limited
coverage of the two major political
parties' national conventions.
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DECISION UNANIMOUS...
------------------
As required by his office, Richard DeMyer, Town Clerk and
Secretary in New Ashford, Massachusetts, dutifully opened the
town's polling place for a state primary election earlier this
year. Then he sat at the ready for 14 long hours, waiting for
the first voter to show up. Though statewide turnout was less
than 10%, he expected that **someone** from town would show up to
vote. He was wrong.
Though he had a better chance than anyone else, DeMyer also
chose not to vote in the election, saying "Why the hell should I
[vote]? Nobody else did." (AP)
[ Isn't that the kind of thinking that caused
the low turnout in the first place? ]
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JUST IN TIME?
------------
Maybe it is an accident of timing, or it could be
intentional. Whatever the case, just in time for the U.S.
Presidential election, the Pope named Saint Thomas More as the
patron saint of politicians.
More, author of the political tale "Utopia" and a respected
statesman of the 16th century, was beheaded in 1535 by England's
Henry VIII. The two had fallen out when King Henry declared
himself supreme and More, ethical to the end, refused to go
along. Known as 'a man for all seasons' - also the name of a
famous play about his life - More was canonized as a saint by
Pope Pius XI in 1935.
Britain's Lord Alton, held More up as the perfect patron for
a profession that often has to make compromises for political
career survival.
"In our own times, political life is so often about personal
aggrandizement and advantage. Its participants pursue careers
rather than causes," he said. (Reuters)
[ Maybe it says something about our poor opinion of the
folks we elect to office that accountants, bartenders,
bee keepers, circus clowns and even insane people had
patron saints* centuries before politicians. ]
* See "Sunday (Funnies) School - 11/21/1999 for more
unusual patron saints
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"Conventions are boring coronations now. There's no
competition anymore, no question of outcome. It's an
infomercial, and a bad one."
- Bill Maher, host of the late-night
TV show "Politically Incorrect,"
criticizing modern major-party
political conventions.
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HATS OFF TO LIEBERMAN
---------------------
Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joseph Lieberman is
widely known as the first Jewish person ever to be nominated by a
major party in the U.S. But he has another distinction, as well.
He is also the first candidate to change political hats since the
American political parties began using those silly plastic
"straw" hats in the 1960's.
Shortly after Lieberman's nomination, two separate Chicago
companies began offering yarmulkes - the traditional Jewish skull
caps - featuring his picture. The white caps feature a bold
Lieberman 2000 logo and photo in blue and red.
The traditional skull caps are worn by Jewish men as a sign
of respect before God, but that respect also allows a certain
playfulness, with some modern yarmulkes featuring cartoon
characters or even sports logos. Politics is certainly a logical
step.
"It's just celebrating the fact ... that a Jewish person is
running for this office.... This is not about Gore-Lieberman.
It's about Lieberman," said Jory Rozner, founder and CEO of
Zipple.com, maker of the Lieberman caps.
That is easy to believe, since the yarmulkes do not make any
mention of the Democrat running for president, Al Gore. Rozner
also admits that he has no plans to feature a skull cap featuring
Republicans George W. Bush or Dick Cheney. (Reuters)
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"It's completely absurd for [Senate candidate] Rick Lazio to
claim that Hillary Clinton has no ties to New York. Of
course she does. Her husband's ex-girlfriend lives here"
- David Letterman
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LIFE ON THE ROAD...
----------------
Dick Cheney, the Republican Vice Presidential candidate, has
had some reservations about the campaign. Not about how things
are going or about policy debates, but reservations about
reservations; the odd places the Republican party has been having
him sleep while campaigning around the country. It has gotten so
bad that Cheney threatened to send campaign manager Joe Allbaugh
on an all-expenses paid tour of all of the crummy hotels the vice
presidential candidate and his wife had been booked into. Vice
presidents often don't get much respect in the transportation
department and the Republicans apparently decided to be fiscally
conservative on the matter of all those expensive hotel rooms.
In response, Cheney said the campaign manager should spend a
night or two in the Detroit hotel that "featured green, used
hospital sheets and non-working shower heads" and the one in
Burlington, Vermont, with a "three-legged Murphy bed."
Then there was a Cleveland hotel that "offered exposed
wiring and bed bugs." Another stop in Paducah, Kentucky was "so
bad that the advance staff asked to be transferred to tents in a
local campground." Cheney skipped that one altogether, sleeping
on the airplane flight to Denver, instead.
But the "peak" experience came when the Cheney and his wife
stayed in two different fleabag hotels in the same night.
"The first apparently had no electricity... The one we
transferred to ... the snoring that woke Lynne wasn't coming
from me; it was coming from the guy in the next room," Cheney
said. (Reuters)
[ Cheney's complaints must have worked, last city we
checked, the candidate and his wife stayed in the Ritz-
Carlton. ]
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DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SPEAKING...
-----------------------------
Sometimes, politicians say really stupid things. Leave out
the sometimes - OFTEN they say stupid things. How stupid?
"You mean there are two Koreas?"
- U.S. Ambassador designate to
Singapore Richard Kneip, revealing
the depth of his geo-political
understanding in a congressional
hearing.
"Rural Americans are real Americans. There's no doubt about
that. You can't always be sure with other Americans. Not
all of them are real."
- Dan Quayle in a campaign speech
"I challenge my opponent to give a frank affirmative answer:
yes or no!"
- Candidate for Mayor of New York,
Abe Beame (he lost that election)
"Is your children learning?"
- George W. Bush, on the question
parents should ask about education
"Where else in the world could you stand on a corner and
have people yell, 'Go Home' in every language? Sixty-seven
languages in Queens alone."
- First Lady and candidate for Senate
Hillary Clinton, on her newly-
adopted state of New York
"This was not a junket in any sense of the word."
- Senator Strom Thurmond (D, SC),
explaining why he billed taxpayers
for airfare on a five-day trip to
the Paris Air Show with his wife,
two children, a next-door neighbor
and eight staff people.
"I will not tolerate intolerance."
- Senator Bob Dole
"Mr. Nixon was the thirty-seventh president of the United
States. He had been preceded by thirty-six others.
- President Gerald Ford
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow
astronauts."
- Vice President Dan Quayle
"To win in 2000, I need you by my side"
- Direct-mail campaign letter sent by
Al Gore camp to Republican
Candidate George W. Bush
"This is Preservation month. I appreciate preservation.
This is what you do when you run for president. You've got
to preserve."
- George W. Bush, at an elementary
school in Nashua, New Hampshire
that was celebrating
***Perseverance*** Month
"[Spending on federal benefit programs is growing] at an
excremental rate"
- Representative Frank Guarini (D,
NJ) on the budget
"We've got a strong candidate. I'm trying to think of his
name."
- Democratic National Committee co-
chair Senator Christopher Dodd, on
a memorable candidate (who later
lost)
"My grandmother just looked at me and she said, 'You know,
Billy, I think you could be a preacher if you were just a
little better boy."'
- President Clinton, recalling his
grandmother's warning
"There is no prostitution in China; however, we do have some
women who make love for money."
- A Chinese Foreign ministry
spokesperson
"The key in terms of mental [ability] is chess. There's
never been a woman Grand Master chess player. Once you get
one, I'll buy some of the feminism."
- Conservative commentator and
sometimes presidential candidate
Pat Robertson, apparently unaware
that at the time he said this there
were five women who were Grand
Master chess players
"I'm Dan Quayle. Who are you?"
"I'm your Secret Service agent."
- Vice President Dan Quayle,
campaigning at a Hardee's
restaurant and failing to recognize
a member of his own security detail
"I think that's self-evident, but not true."
- President Bill Clinton, responding
to charges that he made
conservative speeches but governed
as a liberal
"The real liberators of American women were not the feminist
noise-makers, they were the automobile, the supermarket, the
shopping center, the dishwasher, the washer-dryer, the
freezer."
- Pat Buchanan in his autobiography,
"Right from the Beginning" (p. 149)
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"If you're going to launch a tribute to a Republican in
Hollywood, get a left-wing Englishman to host it."
- Actor Alan Rickman, at a tribute to
his "Die Hard" colleague Bruce
Willis.
"I didn't know you were a Republican."
- Julia Roberts, at the same event,
to Willis.
"There's Adam Clymer, major-league ass**** from the New York
Times."
- George W. Bush to running mate Dick
Cheney at a September, 2000
campaign stop in Naperville,
Illinois, not realizing that the
microphones were on
"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said,
'Thank God, I'm still alive." But of course those who died,
their lives will never be the same again."
- Senator Barbara Boxer (D, CA)
"If I don't get my cereal in the morning, I get very
emotional."
- New York City Comptroller Elizabeth
Holtzman, explaining why she left
an interview in tears when asked to
sum up her career and couldn't
return for twenty minutes.
"A zebra cannot change its spots."
- Mixed metaphor from Vice President
Al Gore
"Podium not included. Doll cannot stand alone."
- Disclaimer written in small print
at the bottom of "Candidate
Barbie's" box, perhaps encouraging
parents to buy her a strong running
mate
"We are trying to change the 1974 constitution, whenever
that was passed."
- Representative Donald Ray Kennard
(R, Baton Rouge) during a debate in
the Louisiana legislature
"My problem was, I was too honest with you the first time."
- Representative Tille Fowler (R, FL)
to her constituents on why she had
changed her mind on term limits
"Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it's gotten into
the wrong hands."
- Senator Jesse Helms (R, NC)
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© 2000 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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