Hello, My Fearless Friends -
I know it doesn't break any new ground to say it, but we
humans are a pretty darned illogical species, even leaving out
such absurdities as Pauly Shore's movie career and German
grammar. And times like Halloween are definite proof that we
don't approach things nearly as sensibly as we pretend. Here we
spend the great majority of our lives working to become safe and
secure, then we spend money to have someone scare us half to
death, whether it be in a scary movie or amusement park ride or
even one of those neo-gothic scarefests that Stephen King
specializes in.
There is something strangely liberating about being scared
that appeals to us on a very primitive level, and most of the
fears in the better horror movies are not intellectual,
high-level frights. No, the best scares are the simplest,
whether they be falling uncontrollably or watching a door in a
dark room open slowly on creaking hinges when you know you are
the only person in the house. (And cussing at the cat when you
discover why.) Even a park so fun and child-oriented as
Disneyland has it's own version of the Haunted Mansion, and it is
hugely popular. No, we really enjoy being scared, as long as we
know that it is more-or-less safe.
People worth keeping around include the friends and
supporters that make SUNFUN possible every week. Funny Thanks
this week to: Laura Hong Li, Jerry Taff, Tim McChain, The Yap
Legation, Sharon Nuernberg, Joshua Brink, Bruce Gonzo, Yukari
Kawabata, Carol Becwar, Anna Macareno, Jan Michalski, Brian
Siegl, and Fumiko Umino.
Should all of this making fun of death and fear leave us
uncomfortable? In reality, there is nothing more human than
toying with a frightful idea. Yes, we have gotten into wars and
other stupidities that way, but it is also the only means at our
disposal to conquer our ultimate fears. Or at least, to make the
fears look foolish and somehow less fearful. It may not change
the reality, but at least you can laugh at it. Sort of like
picturing the grim reaper in his underwear.
Have A Lively Week,
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A TISKET, A CASKET...
------------------
You can buy almost anything on the web these days, from a
new car to collector plates. Now one company hopes to take this
cradle-to-grave approach one step further - or, maybe I should
say closer to the far end of that time span.
Your Coffin Company builds and sells coffins direct to
consumers, a weird enough business by itself, you may think. But
their business plan is that they intend to sell the bone boxes
far in advance of need.
So, what do you do with a coffin for the (hopefully) decades
before you need it?
The company has helpfully devised 101 uses for the average
wooden coffin - besides the usual one - including using it as a
coffee table, wine rack, bookshelf or entertainment center. For
the truly budget-minded, basic, no-frills coffins in oak or maple
start at just under $400.
"We decided ... (that) this was the ultimate conversation
piece. We have a motto that you should get to know your coffin
before you're buried in it," said company co-owner Brad Miller.
The company's website (www.yourcoffin.com) has been quite
popular, with over 50,000 hits per day. According to them,
visitors have sought the custom coffins as phone booths, or even
for use as a bed. (AP)
[ The entertainment center? Oh, it's from
the Count Dracula Collection... ]
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Maybe coffin selling is a business that will work better
online, but other companies that have tried the direct sales
route found it an uphill battle. Caskets Direct to You of
Framingham, Massachusetts went out of business in 1998 after
selling just a single box in 18 months. And Jim St. George, who
runs Consumer Caskets in Erie, Pennsylvania reported that his
company had yet to make a profit, despite the current high prices
charged by funeral homes.
"The major problem is that nobody gets up on a Saturday
morning and says 'Let's go casket shopping'," he said. (AP)
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"This is the most uncomfortable coffin I've ever been
in."
- Horror film star Bela Lugosi to
horrible film director Ed Wood, Jr.
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GOING OUT WITH A BANG...
---------------------
England's decidedly eccentric 7th Lord Newborough had a
specific last request of his son - he wanted his ashes scattered
in a wood at their country estate. That is common enough, but
the method the late Lord chose to make his final journey was less
common; he requested that his ashes be fired out of a cannon.
No one knows why the colorful war hero requested such an
ballistic bon voyage, but his son, 8th, dutifully carried out his
father's wishes, using the family's three-hundred-year-old
cannon. Proving that perhaps every family have their own large
bore artillery for getting rid of large bores. Though the gun
rolled down a hill and briefly caught fire during the sendoff,
the late Lord's remains were successfully scattered.
[ I just hope his son is a man of the same
calibre. ]
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"When I die, throw me to the wolves. I'm used
to it."
- Diogenes, Greek Philosopher
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GUESS WHO WE HEARD FROM?
-----------------------
The late former builder Johnny Morgan, who died last year at
age 66, was clearly a man of note. Many notes. He also had a
pretty peculiar sense of humor, even for a Brit.
Johnny had left a pile of notes with a friend who was
instructed to distribute them after Morgan checked out.
His first post-mortem note was directed to a friend
attending Morgan's cremation in Narberth, Wales. That note said
the late builders only complaint in passing is that the
undertaker had forgotten to put a fire extinguisher in the
coffin.
A note directed to the crematorium simply stated, "I told
you I was ill."
Shortly after, hundreds of Morgan's friends and relatives
began receiving personalized cards and notes, addressed from
"Heavenly Heights" and describing the fabulous time the departed
was having in heaven. (Reuters)
[ Postcards from the edge? ]
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"Always read stuff that will make you look
good if you die in the middle of it."
- P. J. O'Rourke
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MUMMY DEAREST...
-------------
Mohammed Al Fayed, owner of London's famous Harrod's
Department Store, really loves his store. He has repeatedly told
his staff that he'd like to stay there forever. He is also
Egyptian by birth. I bring this up because of how he claims he
wants to stay on. In true traditional form, he wants to be
present as a mummy.
According to a store spokesman, Al Fayed has announced that
he intends to spend eternity in a coffin lodged in the dome of
the store in London's prestigious Knightsbridge district.
The spokesman said Al Fayed had often spoken in a
light-hearted way about being mummified, but he was "probably
serious."
Al Fayed is no lover of the British government or English
royalty. He has also hinted the he wants to come back and haunt
the political establishment. (Reuters)
[ I suppose that would be 'The Mummy
Walks'... ]
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"I don't have any out-of-body experiences. I had
indeed seen a bright, beautiful light and had followed
it, but it turned out to be a Kmart tire sale."
- Lewis Grizzard
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WHEN A BODY MEETS A BODY...
------------------------
Given the nature of that business, it should be no surprise
to see bodies at a strip club. But usually, they are restricted
to scantily clad females who are alive. In some case, very
alive.
So when the police checking the parking lot of "The Candy
Store" in Columbus, Ohio, found the body of a very elderly in a
van, they investigated to see where the recently deceased might
have come from.
No, it wasn't a mob hit, or anything nearly so spectacular.
Police quickly determined that the van belonged to a mortuary,
which lead them to funeral home driver James Harber, who had
apparently stopped off for some entertainment on the way back
from a pickup at a local nursing home.
Harber obviously didn't think his travelling companion would
mind waiting while he made a stop.
Local authorities did, however, and Harber was charged with
misdemeanor abuse of a corpse. Though the charge was later
reduced as part of a plea bargain, the stop for "Candy" still
cost him $150 in fines. (AP)
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HEARSE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW...
---------------------------
Just when you think that we've talked about every weird
thing that could be on the Web, along comes something else to
prove us wrong.
Maybe it should have been obvious in our car-crazed culture
someone out there would be collecting hearses. But a funeral car
club sounds a little too odd to believe.
Believe it. The Grim Rides Funeral Car Club collects
hearses and other last-ride limos. Shouldn't surprise anyone
that their Fall meeting and show is based on Halloween.
Membership is open to any living person who drives up to one of
the meetings in a hearse.
One feature of their site is a list of movies in which
funeral cars appear or have featured roles. Or, should that be
featured rolls? In any case, here are the top 10 hearse movies:
- The Brave Little Toaster (1987): A cartoon movie, has a
scene with a talking cartoon hearse. Toward the end of the
movie in a junkyard scene, the hearse sings before it is
sadly flattened in the crusher.
- Clear and Present Danger (1994): There are SEVEN identical
Cadillac Superior hearses which appear on an airstrip for
the returning caskets of seven colleagues gunned down by the
South American drug cartel.
- Ghostbusters (1984), and Ghostbusters II (1989): Featuring
'The Ectomobile' a 1959 Miller Meteor Ambulance. In that
era, hearses and ambulances were often operated by the same
outfits, and they used the same model cars for both
purposes.
- A Gnome Named Gnorm (1994): Features a chase scene about 7
minutes long, in which the cop in the movie commandeers a
hearse from a funeral train in order to pursue a fleeing
suspect in a Corvette. The hearse appears to be an all
black 1971-2 Superior which, unfortunately, gets shot up and
wrecked. But it makes for a good scene.
- The Godfather: In the funeral scene in which they bury
Marlon Brando a couple of 1955-56 flower cars are shown as
well as a late '40's Henney Packard hearse. Earlier a '30's
vintage ambulance scoots by the screen.
- Harold and Maude (1971): the best hearse movie ever?
Featuring a Black 1959 Cadillac Superior Sideloader
Landaulette, AND a custom hearse built on a Jaguar E-Type.
- The Hearse (1980): Starring a '53 Packard.
- Night Shift (1982): Prominently featuring a '74 Hearse.
- A Rage in Harlem (1991): Coffin Ed and Gravedigger Jones
cruised around in their 1956 Miller Cadillac.
- Some Like it Hot (1959): The opening scene involves a hearse
being chased by the Chicago police. There's a lot of
gunplay, but the hearse gets away, and when it arrives at
the 'Funeral Parlor' (actually a speakeasy), the 'deceased'
is shown to be a case of (somewhat punctured) bootleg
liquor.
Sound like fun? Check it out at:
http://members.aol.com/hearseq/grimrides.htm
They also have a links section which seems to connect with
every possible place you can find hearses on the web.
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"Ella, Ella, Ella... Never knock on Death's door.
Ring the bell and run away! Death *really* hates
that."
- -from "Doctor, Doctor"
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MONEY-MAKING OPPORTUNITY...
------------------------
Here in Milwaukee, we are struggling with the high cost of
building a new ballpark. Maybe we should give a listen to the
proposal that San Diego (California) businessman Denis Braun made
to help finance a new downtown stadium for his hometown Padres.
His plan was to reserve space in the outfield wall for as many as
70,000 urns to hold the ashes of baseball fans. Braun figured
they could sell these ultimate box seats for as much as $2,500 a
slot.
[ So would that make attendance at a particular game
43,000 or 110,000? ]
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"Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't
get worse every year."
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UNDYING POPULARITY
------------------
It's been 181 years since Mary Shelley's man-made monster
Frankenstein began stumbling around in our nightmares. And,
according to a Reuters-Zogby poll conducted last year, Frankie is
still the chairman of the buried. In the poll, the bolt-necked
one stumbled past modern and heavily-promoted serial slasher
Freddie Krueger as the scariest monster of all. The tall, green
and homely Frankenstein's Monster was rated top fright by just
under 23% of the people polled. But Freddie, the wise-cracking
star of Wes Craven's "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and its
seemingly unstoppable sequels, sliced off only 21%. (Slobodan
Milosevic, Idid Amin and Muammar Qadhafi were all disqualified
from this poll as "too scary.")
But, given that the poll was calculated to have an error as
high as 3%, you might very well say that the two famous frights
were neck and neck, especially considering that younger folks
estimated that Freddy Krueger was more scary than his
hand-assembled competition.
Staking out a lifeless third was Dracula at 16%. Not enough
to count out the Count, but he's clearly not as spooky as we once
thought. But watch out... The count has been known to rise
again from the dead many times. Sort of the Apple Computer of
monsters, I suppose. (Reuters)
[ Also notable about the study is that the
Invisible Man made no showing at all. ]
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© 2000 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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