FLIRTING WITH DISASTER

Troubles! Romance troubles!

Hi again, friends!
     The trouble with being a social creature, we humans, I mean,
is that, it makes you dependent on others to make you feel
worthwhile.  If you care at all, I mean.  Some people act as if
their lives would somehow be better off if they were living as
hermits, completely isolated and as solitary as oysters.  Except
that it never works.  We all need relationships of some kind,
whether they be relatives, friends, co-workers, or even that
pimply teenager behind the counter at McDonald's who finally
remembers after five years that you want extra cream.  There is a
good reason that the popular view of hermits is of crazy old
guys.  If they weren't sort of nuts before heading into solitary,
a few decades in the wilderness with no one to tell you when
you've taken a left turn away from reality would leave you lost
without a moral compass far into loonland.
     The downside of this need for companionship is that those we
love and care about are also the only people who can truly do us
serious damage.  Sometimes just a look, or a word from one you
care about is enough to crush you.  So why the moth-to-flame
pursuit that almost everyone has for friendships, romance,
companionship, et al?  Because as devastating and destructive as
a relationship failure can be, there is no better feeling in the
universe than making that emotional high-wire act work.  And it
does work, a surprising amount of the time.  So we keep feeding
the need.
     In the movie "Annie Hall," Woody Allen borrowed the old
vaudeville story about the guy whose family takes him to a
psychiatrist.  "He thinks he's a chicken, doc," they say.  
     "How long has he had this delusion?" the psychiatrist asks. 
     "About five years," the family says.  
     "Five years?!  Ridiculous!  Why didn't you bring him to me
sooner?"
     "We would have," the family admits, "but we needed the
eggs."
     And that's the reason we all keep trying.  We need the eggs.
     Without our friends and supporters, we wouldn't even be
here, let alone writing this goofy stuff, so Thanks to all of
you, especially:  Nnamdi Elleh, Helen Yee, Laura Hong Li, Kerry
Miller, Jerry Taff, All the gang at Camtronics, Jan Michalski,
Tim McChain, Ellen Peterson, Bruce Gonzo, Kathleen Beckman, Brian
Siegl, Joshua Brink, Larry Sakar and Jack Gervais.
     And an extra, cream-filled, triple-layer Thanks to my dear
bride, Carol, for being patient and tolerant of me while I've
grown up over the past twenty-five years.  And for putting up
with me for all that time, too.  With a little luck and care, I
may actually make it to maturity some day.  Or, so she hopes.
     Have A Great Week,


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     "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because
     I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not
     blonde."
                       - Dolly Parton


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SEEING EYE TO EYE IN A RELATIONSHIP
-----------------------------------
     Does it help a romance to be in the same business?  Dianna
Custer and her new husband Neal think so.  Both in their 50's,
they were careful before getting to deeply involved with each
other.  Of course, that's partly an occupational hazard; they are
both private detectives.  The two met at an Idaho Private
Investigators Association conference where Neal was a guest
speaker.
     While other couples may joke about checking each other out,
these folks approach it professionally.  Dianna scoured criminal
and financial records as well as Neal's property ownership and
divorce papers.  Neal checked most of the same things on Dianna.
     "I couldn't imagine anyone in this business who wouldn't do
that," according to Neal.
     "I think it's intelligent," Dianna agreed.
     Apparently the couple liked what they found - or didn't find
- ans now the two investigate together in Boise, Idaho.  Though
they continue to run their businesses separately, Neal, the high-
tech expert, often relies on his wife's people skills and vice-
versa.  (AP/The Idaho Statesman)
          [ Do I see a pilot for a TV series here? ]


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BRUISED EGO DEPARTMENT...
----------------------
     Rejection lines given by women ... and what they really
mean:

  -  I think of you as a brother.  (You remind me of that mutant-
     looking banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance".)

  -  There's a slight age difference.  (I going out with my
     father was not what I had in mind)

   - I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.  (You are the
     ugliest human I've ever laid eyes on)

   - My life is too complicated right now.  (I don't want you
     spending much time around me because you may overhear phone
     calls from all the other guys I'm seeing)

   - I've got a boyfriend.  (My male cat - and a half-gallon of
     Ben and Jerry's ice cream)

   - I don't date men where I work.  (Honestly, I wouldn't date
     you if you were in the same 'solar system', let alone the
     same building)

   - It's not you, its me.  (It's you.  You'll never know how
     much it's you...)

   - I'm concentrating on my career.  (Even this boring and
     unfulfilling job is far better than being with you)

   - I'm celibate.  (I've sworn off men since meeting you)

   - Let's just be friends.  (I want the male perspective if I
     can get it without having to listen or care too much)


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     "My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage
     last. Two times a  week, we go to a nice restaurant to
     have a little wine and some good food.  
     She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
                       - Henny Youngman

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ONE ANSWER TOO MANY!
-------------------
     A wife asked her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you
remarry?"
     "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would,"
he answered carefully.  "We all need companionship."
     "If I died and you remarried," the wife asked, "would she
live in this house?"
     "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way
we want it.  I'm not going to get rid of my house - I guess she
would."
     "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,"
the wife asked, "would she sleep in our bed?"
     "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost $2,000.  It's going
to last a long time, so I guess she would."
     "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house
and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
     "Oh, no," the husband replied.  "She's left-handed."


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     "You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you
     hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy."
                       - Erica Jong

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THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS
-----------------------------

  What is a cat?
   - Cats do exactly what they want.
   - They rarely listen to you.
   - They are totally unpredictable.
   - When you want to play, they want to be alone.
   - When you want to be alone, they want to play.
   - They expect you to cater to their every whim.
   - They are moody.
   - They leave hair everywhere.
   - They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

  Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.


--------------------------------------------------------------

   What is a dog?

   - Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
     piece of furniture in the house.
   - They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
     but they  don't hear you when you are in the same room.
   - They growl when they are not happy.
   - When you want to play, they want to play.
   - When you want to be alone, they want to play.
   - They are great at begging.
   - They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
   - They leave their toys everywhere.
   - They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to
     give you sloppy kisses.

  Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats


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YOU ANIMAL YOU...
--------------
     A circus owner ran an ad for a new lion tamer and two people
showed up for the job.  One was a good looking guy in his
mid-twenties and the other was a fabulously beautiful woman of
about the same age.
     The circus owner told them that he needed a new trainer as
his last one was mauled by the lion and was still in hospital. 
Warning them that the lion could be pretty dangerous, he showed
them the usual whips, chairs, guns and other equipment, then
asked, "Do you still want to try out"?
     "Yes!" the woman said enthusiastically.  "I'll go first, if
you don't mind."  She left behind all the equipment and walked
into the cage just wearing her coat.  The lion took one look and
charged right at her - claws ready, jaw wide open.  Just as he
reached her, she opens her coat, revealing her beautiful,
voluptuous body clad in about the smallest bikini ever seen.
     The lion stopped dead in his tracks, rolled passively on his
side and began licking her ankles, purring like a cat who has
overdosed on catnip.
     "WOW!" the circus owner said.  "I've never seen anything
like that in all my life!  What a performance!"  He turned to the
young man,  "Think you can you top that?"
     "Sure -- easy!" the man said.  "Just get that damned lion
out of there!"


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PARADISE LOST...
-------------
     In times of trouble, there is nothing like a loving and
supportive wife.  That's what Richard W. Parker of Los Angeles
must have been thinking after he was arrested on charges of drug
trafficking.  Friends said that his wife, Diane, went to Federal
Court for his hearing prepared to put up all her investment
property and her mother's townhouse to make Richard's bail.
     For a while, anyway.
     As the prosecutor read down the list of charges and recited
the details of Richard's dealings to the judge, fact came out
about the double life he was leading, including a mistress and
another house.  This went on for some time.
     And Diane expression changed dramatically as the testimony
continued.  After a time, she had had enough, and yanked off her
wedding ring before turning on her heel and marching out of the
courtroom.
     Officers caught up with the wife a while later in the Orange
County office where the mistress worked.  Diane had punched the
mistress several times before being restrained.
          [ Get the feeling that Richard might find it
          safer in prison these days? ]


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SAY IT WITH FLOWERS
-------------------
     It happened in Verona, the same northern Italian city where
Shakespeare set "Romeo and Juliette.  Unfortunately, this couple
was having even more disagreements than the Montagues and
Capulets.  In this real-life soap opera, Alessandra had broken
off her engagement with Roberto. 
     But Bob was determined to win her back, so, according to the
Italian news agency ANSA, he arranged to have one rose for every
day of their engagement delivered to her as she was dining at a
local restaurant with her family.  They were engaged for a long
time, so the 1,480 roses made the place look like a garden.  Not
only that, but the last rose was carried by the gallant Robert as
he arrived on horseback, as he dismounted to make an impassioned
plea on bended knee for the fair Alessandra's hand in marriage.
     "Thanks but no thanks," the unmoved Alessandra said and went
back to her meal.  (Reuters)
          [ The story did not mention what happened to
          the $6,000 worth of flowers, though we have
          to imagine that it made the florist pretty
          happy. ]


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     "I'm rather interested in the psychodynamics of a
     falling out.  Once you start saying to yourself that
     someone who is an old friend is actually a complete
     swine, you really have to go through some mental
     acrobatics to explain to yourself how this person has
     been in your life for 20 years."
                       - author IAN MCEWAN, winner of this year's
                         prestigious Booker Prize, on the concept
                         behind his latest book.

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TAKING THE HIGH ROAD...
--------------------
     A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled
across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped
a genie. 
     The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah
blah blah.  This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a
little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three.  You
only get one wish!" 
     The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii but I' m scared to fly and I get
very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can
drive over there to visit?" 
     The genie laughed and said, "Impossible.  Think of the
logistics of that!  How would the supports ever reach the bottom
of the Pacific?  Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! 
The environmental impact!  No, think of another wish." 
     OK, the man agreed reluctanly and he tried to think of a
really good wish.
     Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four
times.  My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm
insensitive.  So, my wish is that I could understand women.  To
know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they
give me the silent treatment.  To understand why they're crying,
know what they really want when they say 'nothing.'  To know how
to make them truly happy.... "
     "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" the genie said.


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