FUNNY BUSINESS!

SUNFUN Looks At Modern Commerce

Hello Again, Capitalists!
     The business of America, so they say, is business.  
     Why they say this, I've never quite figured out.  It's true
enough, I guess, but as a truism it ranks right up there (down
there?) on the so-obvious-it's-stupid scale with the footwear of
American is shoes or the pizza of America is Italian.
     To some capitalists, it isn't enough that they succeed. 
Others must fail.  Of course, it would work better for these
hard-bitten capitalists if they weren't blundering onto the same
banana peels they believe they are cleverly throwing under
others.  The classic example is the infamous Ford Edsel.  Tired
of always being the number two carmaker, Ford thought they were
going to blow away the competition by introducing a whole new car
brand.  The idea wasn't really that terrible - it was, in fact,
exactly the same trick Honda later pulled off with Lexcis.
     Why didn't it work for Ford?  Stupid design, stupid name,
and asking people to pay a premium price for the same old crap
dolled up with a few stuck-on gadgets and geegaws.  And no cup
holders.  All in the middle of an economic downturn that had
people abandoning large cars.  The Edsel became a national joke -
yes, even worse than Firestone tires - for three long years.  By
the end of it, Ford had taken a bath for a few hundred million
and was paying debts on the debacle for decades.  But Ford
executives could point to one outcome at the end of all the
trauma:  at least they weren't number two anymore.  For a couple
of years, they were number three.
     All of which serves to illustrate the punishment handed out
to a company that really screws up.  Capital punishment.
     Our wish for positive cashflows and Thanks to our
contributors, friends and economic advisors, this week including: 
Caterina Sukup, Jerry Taff, Kerry Miller, Carol Becwar, Diana
Lee, Jan Michalski, Nori Kreuser, Jack Gervais, Laura Hong Li,
Lydia Cheong Chu-Ling, Bruce Gonzo, Brian Siegl, Paul Roser,
Larry Sakar and Helen Yee.  Special Thanks, too, to longtime
friend and contributor Beth Butler - we'll miss your support and
your unique appreciation of puns.
     Have A Profitable Week,


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CORPORATE HAPPENS...
-----------------

     In the beginning was the Plan.

     Which begat the Assumptions.

     And the Assumptions were without form and the Plan was
     without substance.

     And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

     And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of
     crap and it stinks."

     And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is
     a pail of dung and we cannot live with the smell."

     And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is
     a container of excrement and it has a very strong odor, such
     that none may abide by it."

     And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a
     vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its strength." 

     And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one
     another, "It contains that which aids in plant growth and it
     is very strong."

     And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto
     them, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful."

     And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto
     him, "This New plan will actively promote the growth and
     vigor of the company with very powerful effects." 

     And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was
     good.

     And the Plan became Policy and dwelt among us.

     This is how crap happens.


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THE WRATH OF GRAPES
-------------------
     7-ELEVEN, America's largest convenience store chain,
announced late last year that it has added vintage wines to its
shelves with classy labels like Beringer and Ecco Domani going
for $6 to $15 a bottle.
     To avoid the risk of losing long time customers who feel
unqualified to order an appropriate vintage, the company said
that most outlets would begin offering a Gallo "Big Gulp."
     7-Eleven is also offering its "Guide to Wine Selection" free
to newcomers containing tips like: "A delicate though full-bodied
Burgundy or Merlo provides the perfect accompaniment to a
well-prepared corn dog."
     The addition of wine has provided unexpected educational
benefits, too.  Armed robbers from coast-to-coast are being
forced to learn how to spell "sommelier."


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IN INTERNATIONAL BANKING NEWS...
-----------------------------
     Here's the latest on the ongoing banking crisis in Japan: 
According to insider contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows
no signs of letting up.  If anything, it's getting worse.
     Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we
hear that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank's growth
plans have been stunted and it now plans to cut back some of its
branches.
     Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. 
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back
office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.  Government
investigators are looking into complaints that there is something
fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a
raw deal.  Even the usually liquid Miso Bank is in the soup.
     The only bright spot in the situation is that the merger
between Sukiyaki Bank and Teppanyaki Bank is still hot and still
on the table.


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     "I am completely confident that the Chinese people love
     Mickey no less than Big Mac."
                            - Walt Disney Co. Chairman MICHAEL
                              EISNER, writing in his annual
                              report to shareholders about the
                              company's plans to build a major
                              Disney attraction in China.
          [ Now THAT'S inscrutable! ]


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IT'S NOT BRAND X, IT'S BRANDO
-----------------------------
     In April of this year, the giant Italian phone company
Telecom Italia announced that it was unveiling a new 100-billion-
Lira advertising campaign with the theme "How would you like your
future to be?"  Several prominent people who very rarely appear
in ads were featured in these spots, including former South
African President Nelson Mandela, Oscar-winning movie directors
Spike Lee and Woody Allen and reclusive actor Marlon Brando.
     How did they line up these rare TV stars for a phone company
commercial?  Money, mostly.  Mandela agreed after the Italian
phone company agreed to make a sizeable donation to the Nelson
Mandela Children Fund, which finances and organizes educational
projects for South African children.  The telecoms company also
financed a documentary on the Fund by Spike Lee.
     In his spot, which he also directed, Woody Allen walks the
streets of New York worrying on the phone with his psychiatrist
about the consequences of a scientific discovery that could
lengthen human life.  In other words, he gets to share more of
his neuroses with us in the audience at someone else's expense - 
which may just be Allen's ultimate life goal.
     And Brando?  Funny thing, they never really came out and
said how they signed him, except to say that he looked forward to
working with commercial director Tony Scott.  (Reuters)
          [ A likely story...  Think they made him an
          offer he couldn't refuse? ]


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MERGER MANIA...
------------
     The trend toward business consolidation continues...  The
time was when your First National Bank of Heresville was
completely different than the First National Bank of Theresville. 
Not any more.  Now they are likely to be all under some weird,
meaningless blanket name like "Firstar Alliance Tristate Bank of
the Known Universe."  Of course, that is far too long for normal
humans to say in one breath without oxygen tanks so they call it
FATBANCO on all of the statements they send.  The ones detailing
fees for services you've never imaged, let alone used.  Of course
you can always call the customer service 800 number, which will
promptly connect you to the convenient service center located in
downtown Kathmandu, Nepal.  Then you can listen to the entire
Barry Manilow songbook played in easy listening style on a
harmonica before you get to talk to an actual human being.  By
which time, they hope you will have forgotten what your children
look like, let alone what your problem might have been.  This is
what is commonly referred to as progress.
     No matter how big and awkward some companies get, they
always seem happy to pick up a few more brands to put under their
own umbrella.  It used to be that one corporation would buy the
other, and the old name would completely disappear.  The latest
trend, though, is either to keep some weird compromise of the old
names or invent a completely new title.  Sometimes, these
gyrations can be pretty funny.
     One that caught my attention was the recent merger of the
Burlington Northern Railroad's Green and Black company colors and
the Santa Fe Railroad's Yellow and Red.  In my mind, I thought
they should have just give in to become the "Santa Northern" with
red & green as the company colors.  But more boring heads
prevailed and we have instead the unpronounceable 'Burlington
Northern Santa Fe' or BNSF with green, orange and black as the
company colors.  Why?  Only because the feds said they can't also
merge with Canadian National, which I guess would have made them
"Burlington Northern Canadian National Santa Fe."  & Pacific.  Of
course, they could always call it BUNOCANASAFE for short.
     That's just the beginning, of course - otherwise this would
be SUNFUN's shortest and most pointless piece so far.  No such
luck, folks!  Here's our look at mergers we'd like to see:


    These Companies               Merge to form -
---------------------------------------------------------------

     Dell Computer Systems and     Farmer in the Dell
     the Farmer's Insurance 
     Group

     The National Broadcasting 
     Company, World Dryer Company
     and Domino Sugar              World Domination

     Saints Peter & Paul 
     Catholic Church and St. 
     Mary Catholic Church in 
     Waukesha, WI (Really!)        Sts. Peter, Paul & Mary.

     Fed-Ex & UPS                  FedUp

     Cheseborough-Ponds 
     Corporation and Swissair 
     Airline                       Swisscheese

     Waste Management Recycling 
     and Weight Watchers           Waist Management

     Fairchild Electronics and 
     Honeywell Computers           Fairwell Honeychild

     Motel 6, Dollar Rent-A-Car 
     and Super 8 Motels            Motel 15

     BVD Menswear, Big Apple 
     Bagels and H.J. Heinz 
     Foods                         Big B. Heinz

     3M & Goodyear                 M-M-M-Good 

     The government's Head 
     Start program and 
     Blockbuster Video Stores      Block Heads

     John Deere Corporation & 
     Abitibi-Price                 Deere Abi

     Honeywell, Imasco, and Home 
     Depot Lumber Yards            Honey, I'm Home

     Denison Mines, Alliance, 
     and Metal Mining Corp.        Mine, All Mine

     Hooters Restaurants and 
     Giant-Eagle Super Markets     Giant Hooters

     A&P Food Stores and Stop n'
     Shop Stores                   Stop n' P

     Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, 
     Dofasco Corporation and 
     Dakota Mining Corporation     Zip Audi Do-Da 

     Knott's Berry Farm & the 
     National Organization of 
     Women                         Knott NOW!

     State University of New York
     and Day's Inn                 SUNY Days

     3M, J.C. Penney and the 
     Chicago Opera Company         3 Penney Opera

     Polygram Records, Warner 
     Brothers and Keebler Foods    Poly-Warner-Cracker

     Hale Business Systems, 
     Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller 
     Brush Company, and W.R. 
     Grace Company                 Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

     Apple Computer Corporation 
     and Crabtree & Evelyn Soaps   Crab Apple

     United Parcel Service and 
     Starter Sportswear            Start 'er UPS

     Boy Blue Ice Cream Stores 
     and SONY Electronics          SONY Boy

     Nestle Foods & Holiday Inns   Nestle In

     S.C. Johnson & Son and 
     Johnson & Johnson Medical 
     Products                      Johnson & Johnson & 
                                   Johnson & Son

     Little Caesar's Pizza, Mary 
     Kay Cosmetics, the Hamilton 
     (Ontario) Area Diver's 
     Association (H.A.D.A.) and 
     Bausch & Lomb Optical Corp.   Mary HADA Little Lomb

     Netscape & Yahoo              Net 'n' Yahoo

     McDonald's Restaurants, 
     Knott's Berry Farm and Old 
     Spice Men's Cosmetics         Old McDonald's Farm

     Blue Cross Blue Shield 
     Insurance Company and Old 
     Navy Clothing Stores          Navy Blue

     CSX Railroad and Cybermedia 
     Corporation                   CyberSex

     F.A.O. Schwarz Toy Stores 
     and Jockey International      Jockey Schwarz

     Parts Warehouse Auto Parts, 
     Bridgestone-Firestone Tire 
     Company and Fel's Naptha 
     Cleaning Products             Tires Fel a Part




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BOARD GAMES...
-----------
     Business leaders often give talks in which they describe
what a fight it is to stay in business year after year.  These
capitalists should just be happy they aren't doing business in
Russia.
     Authorities there were called in last year to break up a
battle between two men who were fighting over who would have
control of the company director's chair.  No, not figuratively. 
I mean the actual chair.
     Violent conflicts between rival groups seeking to control
factories are relatively common in Russia, where ownership laws
are hazy and the fruits of post-Soviet privatizations are
jealously fought over.
     Last September, Russian television showed two rival groups
of stockholders punching, shoving and spraying fire extinguishers
at each other while trying to take control of a chemical company
in Yekaterinburg.  At one point, a group of locked-out
stockholders was hacking through a door to the boardroom with an
axe, only to be repelled by the fire extinguisher wielding
capitalists inside.  Two men were shown struggling to occupy the
same leather chair behind the director's desk, like some bizarre
game of musical chairs.  But without the music.
     After considerable property damage, police regained control
and Yekaterinburg Mayor Arkady Chernetsky chaired arbitration
talks between the two sides.  A spokesman for the mayor told
Reuters both groups controlled around 40 percent of the firm's
shares.  (Reuters)
          [ Such is the cultural difference between us. 
          In Russia, a group of people go wild and
          break furniture and they make them company
          directors.  Here in the West, they'd be rock
          stars. ]


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