Greetings, Citizens!
One of the toughest jobs around is that of police officer.
There are the dangers that everyone realizes; namely the gruesome
bleeding and leading stories on the nightly news. But there is
also the difficulty cops have keeping their heads straight after
constant exposure to the stupidest of humans under the worst of
conditions. Often, no one seems happy to have them show up. Not
even the victims of a crime. It is a wonder coppers don't go off
the rails more often.
There are many misconceptions about who the cops are and how
they work. The first rule is to forget most everything you've
ever seen on TV or in the movies. In real life, "Dirty Harry"
would be in jail himself. There's all of that inconvenient
nonsense about the Constitution and all. It is way too
complicated for the average TV show. It's too complicated for
real life as well, but that's another issue.
Even the word "cop" itself is misunderstood by most people,
who mostly believe that it derives from the phrase "Constable On
Patrol." That's just another urban legend... The real story is
more involved - you knew it had to be, right? In the 1800's, the
various ranks of officers commonly had badges made of different
metals: gold for the chief, silver for the captains and
lieutenants, brass for constables and copper for the sergeant.
Since the desk sergeant was the guy you'd explain your problems
to, "tell it to the copper" became a common slang phrase of the
day. Eventually, copper or cop came to mean all officers. Some
folks are still a little sensitive about the term, but it's
better than some of the things the police are called, anyway.
Thanks this week to the SUNFUN SWAT team, including: Beth
Butler, Brian Siegl, Caterina Sukup, Carol Becwar, Daniel Butler,
Diana Lee, Jerry Taff, Junji Taniguchi, Tom Andrews, Nnamdi
Elleh, Yuko Shimizu, Tom Mereen, Angie Rothenbuehler, Bruce
Gonzo, Fumiko Umino, Anna Macareno, Rosana & Stan Leung, Tim
McChain, Peter Adler, Dean & Lu Peet and Joshua Brink.
And thanks, too, to all of these officers of the law who
keep things safe for the rest of us (Yes, even the guy who gave
me that ticket a few years ago). And remember: the stories you
are about to hear are true. The names may have been changed to
protect the stupid...
Have A Strictly Legal Week,
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
MOVE ALONG - I MEAN IT!
----------------------
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser
with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio
telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The
officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing
on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off
the corner."
No one moved, so he barked sharply, "I said, GET OFF THE
CORNER!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting
puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official
act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well,
how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "Especially since that
was a bus stop."
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DETECTING SOMETHING OR OTHER...
----------------------------
Narcotics officers in Lone Star, Texas were sure they had
discovered a cache of illegal narcotics when their drug sniffing
dogs "detected something" while checking a large truck.
On unloading the truck, they discovered only that the truck
did indeed contain 20 tons of broccoli. And that's all.
Oh, they did discover one other thing... For whatever
reason, their dogs just love the smell of broccoli.
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NASHVILLE'S MOST WANTED...
-----------------------
It was one of those ideas that sounded great on paper. As a
nice promotion for both the Nashville (Tennessee) police
department and local radio station Music City 103.3 FM, the radio
station gave two tickets to the Super Bowl to a randomly selected
police officer, who would give them to the first person who asked
for them. These were, after all, the hottest tickets in town for
the first Superbowl appearance of the local Tennessee Titans,
which were being scalped around the city for as much as $2,000
each.
There was only one problem with this little plan: neither
the radio station nor the police had taken into account just how
rabid the local fans could be. Suddenly, the town was full of
frenzied people chasing after every policeman in sight - speeding
to chase down patrol cars, rushing across streets and through
heavy traffic and running down beat officers. In their
underestimation of the goofiness level, the department hadn't
even told some officers about the promotion, so many of the
coppers were in fear for their lives, thinking that it was some
sort of mass insanity. Which it was, I suppose.
After only an hour, the police department and radio station
through in the towel and announced that the pair of tickets would
be auctioned off for the benefit of the Police Athletic League.
When the motorcycle officer who was carrying the tickets turned
them in, he was surprised. Apparently, he was the only police
officer in town who hadn't been asked about the tickets.
(Reuters)
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SOW FAR, SOW GOOD...
-----------------
Like many places in the U.S., police officers in Howard
County, Iowa still write their reports by hand. The data is
later entered by a computer tech into their database.
One theft report completed by county detectives stated that
a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that sounded pretty
unlikely, the tech called the farmer directly.
"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs ?" she
asked.
"Yeth!" lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech corrected the
report to read: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
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HAILING FREQUENCIES OPEN
------------------------
Deputy (on radio): "We're beginning to have marble-sized
hail out here."
Dispatcher: "What size marbles?"
- Exchange heard the Rusk County, WI
Sheriff's Department Radio
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NOT AN UPLIFTING EXPERIENCE...
---------------------------
A team of detectives in Coventry, England rushed an
apartment building where a suspected drug dealer and his cohorts
had their headquarters. For some reason, the group of nine
officers all jumped on the building's tiny elevator and pushed
the button for the 7th floor. The apartment building's elderly
lift lurched upward, but soon slowed and stalled under the weight
of all those officers, trapping them between floors.
Of course, the officers then called for help, and were
relieved when their calls were soon answered by some residents of
the building who just happened to be passing on the stairs. The
coppers explained their situation and asked the citizens if
they'd call their headquarters for backup.
Unfortunately for the officers, the residents who answered
their calls were the suspected drug dealers, who had been alerted
by all the commotion. Even worse, it turned out that the crooks
weren't quite stupid enough to call for more police. (AP)
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YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT DEPARTMENT...
----------------------------------------------
Here are the absolute worst things to say to a police
officer when you are pulled over, or, how to be certain that you
will get a ticket. Surprisingly, many of these are collected
from officers who heard them from citizens:
- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.
- Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with
me! Good job!
- Well, when I reached down to pick up my beer, my gun fell
off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the
gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my
girlfriend's night stand.
- Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb
to work at McDonald's?
- So, uh, are you on the take, or what?
- Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave
me a warning, too!
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is
no other car around - that's how far ahead of me they are.
- I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school
instead.
- Bad Cop! No Donut!
- That uniform makes your butt look really big.
- I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my
ticket.
- I wasn't tailgating officer, I was drafting.
- No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle
stops at 110 mph (177km/hr).
- I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little
green men!
- Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
- And remember: when the officer says "Son, your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" you probably shouldn't respond
with, "Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been
eating doughnuts?"
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
RELEASE THE HOUNDS!
------------------
"It was about 10 PM when a reserve officer and I attempted
to stop a vehicle for some minor traffic violations. I flipped
on the red lights and the chase was on. The pursuit took us out
of town and onto a gravel road.
"After traveling a mile or so, the car slid to a stop and
five guys bailed out. They took off across a clearing and into a
thicket of briars and brush.
"Seeing how five against two was pretty poor odds for a foot
chase, particularly in a tall thicket, I told my reserve to
'start barking like a dog and don't quit!' Then got on the PA
and ordered them to 'give up or I was going to let the dog go.'
Sure enough! In less then a minute all five guys came out with
their hands up, pleading for us not to let loose the dog.
"Fortunately, I didn't have to."
- Sgt. B. Joe Pauley; Muncie, IN
Excerpted from "In The Line Of
Duty," Gall's Catalog, August, 1996
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WHAT A CARD!
-----------
There is something unusually civilized about the police in
England. For many years, police officers there were not
regularly armed, and their relations with the public have
generally been far more cordial than in America.
Maybe that explains the recent decision in their method of
harassing known criminals. In the U.S., this is commonly done
with things like close and intrusive surveillance, continuous
investigation of trivial records and being followed and stopped
for all manner of minor offenses. But that confrontational
approach isn't the British way.
So what do they do? Well, for one thing, they send birthday
cards.
A recent program in an East London police department sent
hundreds of known criminals cards on their birthdays, each
showing a photo of the police station on the front and showing a
cell door inside with the caption "Thinking of you on your
birthday."
"Receiving one of our cards will be unpleasant," said
Superintendent Gary Copson, who thought up the idea (and who also
has the most appropriate name possible). "We want criminals on
our ground to know we know who they are, who their friends are
and what they are doing." (Reuters)
[ Happy Birthday to Mel, You belong in a
cell... ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
THE TROOPER WHO CHICKENED OUT...
-----------------------------
"This story was told to me by a family friend who is an
Illinois State Trooper. One day he was pulling off an expressway
near Chicago.
"When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he
noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The guy
had placed a bucket of chicken on top of his car, then absent-
mindedly got in and drove off with the bucket still on the roof.
"So the trooper decided to pull him over and perform a
community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled
him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof
and offered it to the driver. The driver looked at the trooper
and said, 'No thanks, I just bought some.'"
- Dave Vollman, AT&T Bell
Laboratories in Naperville, IL
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2000 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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