Greetings, readers!
Often times, the funniest part of the daily newspaper is way
at the back. No, not the cartoons - I'm talking about that font
of cultural and social wisdom, the classifieds. In that tiny
type, lives are played out and personal history is being
documented, not only in the ongoing soap operas of the personal
columns, but even in the more commercial ads. You get more of a
feel for the triumphs, traumas and tragedies of everyday life by
watching the classified section than from all those headlines
about the famous folk. The front pages are more like the view
from the mountaintop while the classifieds take place at sea
level - where most of the real living goes on.
Because people pay by the word or line for these ads, they
often try to say things in the fewest possible syllables. Or,
even a few fewer. This is one place where cheaper isn't
necessarily better, where even at the best of times the meaning
can verge into a kind of hard-sell haiku. Like the Japanese
poetry, the truth of what is being said can be pretty slippery.
The resulting ads are often pretty silly. Worse, they often
contain misspellings and grammatical slipups that would make any
self-respecting copy editor consider a career in bomb disposal.
We have so many people to thank this week that we could take
out an ad ourselves. Special Thanks this week to: Fumiko S.
David, Beth Butler, Bruce Gonzo, Fumiko Umino, Tim McChain, Jerry
Taff, Brian Siegl, Diana Lee, Carol Becwar, Sarah Morsman, Mark
Becwar, Jan Michalski, Peter J. Adler, Larry Sakar, Joshua Brink,
Howard Lesniak, Yasmin & Meredith Leischer, Bub Huebner, Sharon
Nuernberg and Anna Macareno. Now I'd better get back to work or
I'll be back scanning that Help Wanted column for something
besides funny stuff.
Have A Great Week,
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
GETTING PERSONAL...
----------------
One of the most popular parts of a modern newspaper
classified section is the personal column. As the most blatant
example of humankind's ongoing search for love - or a reasonable
imitation - the personal columns are especially interesting to
social scientists. In a recent paper presented to the American
Anthropological Association, Hamilton University anthropologist
Douglas Raybeck found some differences in what men and women put
in their ads.
First is that the people who place ads are mostly male - in
the study of an 18-month period it was 271 male ads versus 191
from women. Women most often describing themselves using terms
like "homebody," "country girl," "sensitive," and "easy-going."
Men, on the other hand, are more likely to describe themselves as
"successful," athletic," "honest," "caring," and "humorous."
Sought after traits followed a similar pattern, with women
more interested in men who are honest, sensitive, humorous and to
a lesser degree, secure and independent. Men generally seek
women who are outgoing and athletic. This is to be expected to a
great extent, as men seem to prefer youth and beauty while women
look for security and responsibility.
The largest difference is that men are far more likely to
reveal their weight, with 21 percent of men fessing up, as
opposed to only 9 percent of women. (Reuters)
Having done a little study of our own, SUNFUN presents a
little glossary for decoding the complexities of the personals:
MEN
--------------------------------------------------
40-ish............. 50, but looking for 25-year-old
Affectionate....... Wear your running shoes ladies, this
one's on the make
Articulate......... Speaks more than five words per day
Athletic........... Watches lots of sports on TV
Average looking.... No actual extra appendages but unusual
hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Bright............. And dumb enough to say so
Creative........... Lies believably
Dependable......... Dull as vanilla pudding
Educated........... Will treat you like an idiot
Energetic.......... Occasionally leaves the couch to get a
beer
Financially secure. A cheapskate
Fun................ Good with a remote and a six pack
Generous........... Always broke
Honest............. Ever notice that the folks who openly
claim to be honest are likely to be in
used car sales?
Huggable........... Overweight and with more body hair than
a moose
Mature............. Well, more mature than most men in these
ads - in other words, acts like an
average six-year-old.
Muscular........... Tubby
One-woman man...... One at a time, anyway
Physically fit..... Spends a lot of time in front of mirror
admiring himself
Professional....... A plumber or electrician
Poet............... Has written on several bathroom stalls
Spiritual.......... Went to church with his grandmother on
Easter Sunday once
Stable............. Occasional stalker, but never convicted
Successful......... Has held an occasional job
Thoughtful......... Sometimes says "Please" when demanding a
beer
Witty.............. A smartass
Young at heart..... Welcome to geezer world
WOMEN
--------------------------------------------------
40-ish............. 48
Affectionate....... Desperate
Athletic........... Has the same figure as Olive Oyl
Average looking.... Scares small children in dimly lit
places
Beautiful.......... A legend in her own mind
Bright............. How bright can she be if she answered
your ad?
Contagious Smile... Bring your own penicillin
Curvaceous......... Overweight
Emotionally Secure. Fully medicated
Feminist........... Doesn't shave
Financially secure. Gigolos preferred
Fit................ Nothing fits
Friendship first... Trying to live down previous reputation
as a slut
Fun................ Annoying
Good Listener...... Borderline autistic
Handsome........... Her friends lovingly call her "horse
face"
Loves to cook...... Tip: stuffing crayons up your nose will
help kill the smell
Natural Redhead.... With naturally dark roots
New-Age............ Spends a fortune on aromatherapy candles
and magic crystals
Old-fashioned...... Keep your hands to yourself
Organized.......... Anal
Poet............... Depressive schizophrenic
Rubenesque......... Large
Romantic........... Looks better by candle light
Shapely............ Lumpy
Voluptuous......... Extra Large
Weight proportional
to height....... If she was 9' 4" (2.8m)
Widow.............. Be sure to get autopsy report on late
husband first
Young at heart..... Still has a few of her own teeth
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE...
--------------------------------
As we said, you might be surprised at the kind of people
placing those personal ads; some are even moderately famous.
Just recently, a Swedish newspaper discovered that one ad in
their lonely hearts column was placed by millionaire musician
Mike Oldfield, whose music was heard in the famous, 1973 horror
film, "The Exorcist" (which is about to be re-released this
winter).
"Man seeks woman. 46-year-old nice, good looking,
successful musician with tidy finances seeks you -- a faithful,
wonderful woman aged 25-35 for a romantic life together," was the
ad in the Swedish tabloid Expressen.
Oldfield told the paper that he'd very much like to meet a
Swedish woman, as the ad he'd placed in London's Sunday Times
hadn't produced a suitable mate. In Sweden for a concert,
Oldfield said that any potential partner must be nice. (Reuters)
[ It would also be nice if she didn't puke
green, and if her head stayed in the
conventional orientation. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
THE BAD ADS...
-----------
These actually appeared in newspaper Classified Ads - good
reason to keep reading them:
CARS AND TRUCKS
- 1989 Thunderbird, V6, AT, brn, great cond, speaks Spanish,
$4,550, xxx-xxxx
- '83 Toyota hunchback -- $2000
- '93 Pontiac Lemons - low miles
FITNESS & FITNESS EQUIPMENT
- A Brenda Dykgraf Duel action skier exerciser, will trade for
two LG. Pizza's. Call 773-XXXX
- Lose All Your Weight Only $49.00*
- Nordic Track $300 - hardly used - Call Chubbie at:
xxx-xxx-xxxx
HELP WANTED / POSITIONS WANTED
- 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
preferred.
- Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit
sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
- Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
- Wanted: Mother's helper, peasant working conditions.
- Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard,
meals, and smacks included.
- Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or
drink.
- Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food
business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
ITEMS FOR SALE
- American flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100
- SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
- HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE
IT!"
- ... SO FRENCH, AFTER ONE CUP YOU'LL WANT TO GO OUI, OUI.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.
- DIVORCE SALE, April 29 8AM to 5PM - Furniture & Misc. 1444
LOVERS LANE
- Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
- Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find
person.
- For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
- 1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
- 2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair:
$15
- Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.
- Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
- For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
- For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
- Whirlpool built in oven - Frost Free!
- Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom
washed.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom
for efficient beating.
- Snow blower for sale ... Only used on snowy days.
- For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a
table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring
coat, size 8 and fur collar.
PETS & ANIMALS
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- German shephard. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
- Great dames for sale.
- Free puppies ... part German shepherd part dog
- Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbor dog
- Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
- Kittens 8 weeks old - seeking good Christian home.
- Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite
5-6204.
- Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of
the family.
- Cute kitten for sale, 2 cents or best offer
- For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an
Alaskan Hussy.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
A GREATLY EXAGGERATED AD...
------------------------
All Jason Miller wanted was a day off to look for a better
job. Miller works as a machinist for the Newcastle Lamp Works in
Australia, but apparently isn't thrilled with the position. For
some reason, instead of calling in sick, he hit on a plan to be
sure that he'd get the day free.
Instead, he asked for "bereavement leave" for the death of
his father, and even placed a paid death notice in the newspaper
for A$16.80 (US$10.20).
Which would have worked fine if his father's friends hadn't
seen it. Calling the father's home to express their condolences,
they were astonished to be speaking directly to the deceased.
The father, Paul Miller, went to the police to figure out
why someone seemed to want him dead, and the scheme quickly
unravelled.
Miller the younger pleaded guilty on a charge of filing a
false notice and faces a maximum of three months in jail.
Maybe Miller senior will have calmed down by then.
(Reuters)
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2000 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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