Hi again, Sports Fans...
In just a couple of weeks we'll all be watching the Olympics
once again. I know it doesn't seem like it has been that long,
but really has been four years. The Olympic spirit is rising
like Dracula in a full moon and it's going to be a while before
we can get back to normal TV programming. "Can you feel it?"
Yes, I mean that queasy feeling from knowing that we might have
to listen to more of John Tesh's music. Strangely, I haven't
been able to find out if this Olympics will include any of those
new age-y dirges of his, but I'll try and warn you as it gets
closer.
After watching the last few Olympic games, I have only one
question: is there an "Official Olympic" everything? Last time
it was pretty clear that there was nowhere in Atlanta that you
could buy a Pepsi. Well, maybe Pepsi headquarters, but that is
all - the rest of the town was all Coke red.
This might not be so bad if it wasn't for the blatant
commercialism of it all. It isn't like there is some competition
where the best of the best of the world's products are chosen to
be the official Olympic something-or-another. The sponsorship
rules are pretty simple, you plunk down a few million bucks and
you get to put the Olympic rings on your product. And it is
certainly not cheap, with companies reportedly checking in for
$50 million or more. Now wonder they have the occasional
corruption scandal - that kind of money could tempt the Dalai
Lama. Most of these products are things that the Olympic
Committee can use, like vehicles from GM, PowerBar 'nutritional
energy' bars, phone service from AT&T or even mattresses from
Sealy Posturpedic. But some of them stretch the imagination.
Home Depot hardware and lumber stores is a supplier. Think that
means there may be an Official Olympic nail gun? Or, how about
Nuskin Cosmetics - maybe that's for mascara that doesn't run in
the winner's circle... And, believe it or not, the Olympics even
have an official beer - Budweiser. Somehow, those gymnasts don't
seem quite the beer type. Especially the 13-year-olds. They do
have a catchy slogan, though: "Budweiser: Official LEGAL drug of
the 2000 Olympics."
Do you suppose we could just announce that we already got
the message: EAT MCDONALDS! DRINK COKE! USE VISA! Do sports.
IN SYDNEY!? Think then they'd just show the games without
commercials? Or just fewer commercials? The International
Olympic Committee or IOC (otherwise known as International
Organization of Commercials) denies that they've gone too far in
their quest for cash. After all, they have (so far) turned down
every request to have logos tattooed on the athletes - for the
2000 games, anyway.
Thanks this week to our own dream team, especially: Beth
Butler, Jerry Taff, Shawn Mullen, Caterina Sukup, Tomoko Naito
and Mike Fagan, Kerry Miller, Carol Becwar, Alison Becwar, Brian
Siegl, Fumiko Umino, Sachiko Sumida, Joshua Brink, Jan Michalski,
Chuck Maray, John Wallner, Dean and Lu Peet, Bruce Gonzo, Joel
Conrad, Peter J. Adler, Ken Josephson, M.J. McCallum, Sharon
Nuernberg, and Lou the Chicago Dude. I know you folks realize
that not doing this for the money because SUNFUN doesn't have any
commercial sponsors. Not for any high moral reason necessarily,
but no one has asked yet. Until then, Let the games begin!
Have a Great Week,
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"It beats having a real job."
- NBC's perennial Olympic host, Bob
Costas, reflecting on his career as
a sportscaster, as quoted in the
New York Post.
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ANOTHER OLYMPIC RECORD?
----------------------
Here's a record you are not likely to see in the official
listings: the Sydney games already hold the record for the most
prophylactics used at any sporting event in history.
Olympic organizers placed an original order for 50,000
condoms, but the official supplier says they expect that number
to double. And yes, there is an official Olympic condom
supplier.
"We think they'll need about 100,000," a spokeswoman for
manufacturers Ansell said, basing that number on their experience
supplying previous international games.
The condoms will be dispensed in large bins located around
the Olympic village in Homebush Bay and come in a range of
colors. In case you are curious, that does include bronze,
silver and gold. (Reuters)
[ Gives going for the gold a completely
different slant, doesn't it? ]
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SIGNS NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR OLYMPIC SPORT
-------------------------------------------
With nearly forty official sports in the upcoming summer
games, it stands to reason that some sports will be more popular
than others. The athletes in archery or taekwondo work just as
hard for perfection, but the TV ratings for those sports will
never match those for gymnastics or swimming, or even basketball.
If you are a fan of one of these semi-obscure sports, you notice
pretty quickly that the network only covers these sports between
commercials and when nothing else is happening. Since there
isn't much money in these athletic orphans, it makes you wonder
if the Olympic Committee, in their continuing search for cash,
won't begin let them slide a little. Here are a few signs that
the Olympics don't care much about your particular sport:
- Rather than a starter's pistol, there is a two-hour window
during which everyone can feel free to take off at any time.
- Fans from Liechtenstein outnumber curious locals.
- Your "venue" is in the sub-basement of the Olympic Village.
- You discover that gold medals are really just foil-wrapped
chocolate.
- Judges just let athletes draw straws for medals.
- McDonald's sweepstakes contest lists your sport as "Other"
- The TV announcer for your sport is the same guy who cleans
the swimming pool.
- John Tesh calls the music used for your routines annoying.
- The only country to cover your sport on live TV is Paraguay.
- Performance-enhancing drugs are mandatory.
- Info about your sport is printed on Post-It Notes stuck on
page 73 of the Olympic souvenir program.
- The only journalists present are from Stadium Architecture
Digest.
- During your off hours at the village, you are required to
clean bathrooms.
- Half the crowd leaves when they realize it's not skeet
shooting.
- The hot "Grudge Match" between Andorran and Uruguayan teams
for 27th place just isn't drawing the crowds.
- Athletes' parents caught scalping tickets.
- Nike sends you Reebok clothes to wear.
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DREAMS OF GLORY...
---------------
Certain sports are strongly associated with particular
countries. The U.S. has always dominated basketball. The
Germans are always in the running for soccer. The Chinese
gymnasts are phenomenal. And the Russian weight lifters are the
standard of the world.
But there are some associations of sport and country that
strain the imagination. Take the winter Asian games last year
that featured an ice hockey team - from Kuwait. Despite having a
team that had never actually seen ice outside of a mixed drink,
they did manage to set a new world record: they lost by more
points than any team in the history of international hockey.
"It was the longest game of my life," Bruce Smith, the
Canadian head coach of the Kuwaiti team said in an interview.
"I've never seen the clock move so slow."
But after losing to China 44-1 and 35-0 to Japan, the team
still has a positive attitude. Though they only took three goal
shots in both contests - compared to 136 for Japan alone - one
puck went in for the first score by any Arab country in
international hockey.
"It was a great moment for Kuwait hockey," admitted coach
Smith. (Reuters)
[ A few more "great moments" like that and
they'll be known as the Chicago Cubs of
hockey. ]
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NO MORE MR. NICE GUY?
--------------------
"I am the most ruthless, brutal champion ever. There is
no one who can match me. I want your heart. I want to
eat your children."
- Former undisputed world boxing
champion and convicted rapist Mike
Tyson, demanding a fight with World
Boxing Council champion Lennox
Lewis.
[ Oh, too bad... There goes his chance for
that Miss Congeniality award. ]
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OUR VERY OWN SUNFUN OLYMPIC COMPETITION...
---------------------------------------
Some Olympic traditions have crossed the millennia, and are
still with us from the ancient Greeks. But a surprising number
of traditions of the games are far newer than you might expect.
The torch run, for example, owes nothing to the Greek Games and
dates only to the 1936 Berlin games.
One late tradition for the last few Olympics is having an
official mascot for the games. For example, the 1998 Winter
Games in Sapporo, Japan were represented by four owls called
"Snowlets." Why Snowlets? In traditional Japanese cartoon
fashion, each of the cartoon owls was given a personality trait
and name: Sukki, Nokki, Lekki and Tsukki. If you pronounce just
the first syllables of those names, you automatically say the
word "Snowlets." Cute, isn't it? Not only that, but you also
find yourself speaking with a stronger Japanese accent than the
average sushi chef.
The Snowlets may have been the latest, but they are far from
the silliest of Olympic mascots. I have to admit I had forgotten
many of these characters. Or maybe, I had blocked them out as
some sort of defense mechanism. At any rate, SUNFUN is proud to
present the awards for "Dumbest Olympic Mascot."
Disqualified as an unofficial participant:
SCHUSS (Grenoble, France - 1968)
Paint a face on a red and white fishing bobber, stick
it on a plastic lighting bolt for a body and mount it
on a pair of miniature skis. Voila! The first stupid
logo of the modern Olympics. No wonder it was
unofficial.
(Dis) Honorable Mention to:
VUCHKO THE WOLF (Sarajevo - 1984)
There is something oddly disturbing about this cartoon
wolf. Maybe it is the fact that it is tough to have a
sympathetic character that looks like a morph between
the Coyote from the old Road Runner Cartoons and the
Big Bad Wolf. This skiing character has the hungry,
leering smile of a carnivore. He looks far too much
like he's schussing his way to lunch.
Bronze Medal to:
AMIK THE BEAVER (1976 - Montreal)
They didn't sell too many of these... Last I heard,
the folks in Montreal were still paying off the debts
from the '76 games, among the biggest money-losing
events in history. More than many wars and natural
disasters. The usual form of the Amik character was as
a stuffed toy, which was especially unfortunate - the
red Olympic sash only outlined the fact that the dark
fur and general lack of features made it an
unrecognizable lump of fake fur with a flat beaver tail
- about as un-cute as it is possible for a stuffed toy
to be.
The Silver Medal Goes To:
HIDY AND HOWDY (1988 - Calgary)
The Calgary "Welcome Bears" were a pair of polar bear
characters in cartoonish "Western" outfits. The
Canadians tried hard to out-cute the 1980 Russian Games
teddy bear, Mischa. This pair of bears looked cute in
a phony, sickly-sweet, greeting-card-corporation way.
How they avoided being sued by the folks who own the
rights to the "Care Bears," I can't figure.
And the Gold Medal Goes to:
IZZY THE WHATIS (1996 - Atlanta)
Going strictly commercial, the Atlanta folks obviously
wanted to come up with a character that no one could
easily copy. What they actually produced was a
character that no one WANTED to copy. The Atlanta
group tried for a mascot with absolutely no identifying
characteristics; it was so far from any recognizable
animal, vegetable or mineral that no one could say
"Hey, it's a (man, woman, child, tiger, hummingbird,
alien, rutabaga)!" The original "Whatzit" was
introduced at the closing ceremonies of the Barcelona
games, and looked so stupid it was immediately
redesigned. The first try looked like a large blue
garden slug with the colored Olympic rings on its tail.
Some REALLY unkind critics described the shape as a
walking blue turd. The "new and improved" character,
now called Izzy, looked like a large blue garden slug
with big eyes. In the four short years since Atlanta,
the Izzy character has been largely wiped from the
collective memory of America - even more than John
Tesh's Olympic music. It is worth noting that it took
a team of 42 security guards to protect the blue one
from the slings and arrows of outraged Atlanta
tax-payers. That's Izzy, not Tesh, by the way.
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THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY...
------------------------------
Many people play sports just for the fun of it, and that
includes the Dorchester Gladiators rugby team from England, who
despite the militaristic name are a group of middle-aged
amateurs. Recently, to their surprise, they were invited to play
a match against another team of veterans in Romania.
Their first surprise on arriving at the stadium was that the
game was going to be played in front of thousands of spectators
and shown on Romanian television. Their second was seeing their
opponents. Or more correctly, seeing the size of their
opponents. They were veterans, all right - a veteran
professional rugby team of super-fit athletes, including the
captain of the Romanian national team and eight other world-class
players. It was a translation error that lead to the match -
equivalent to putting your company's touch football squad on the
field with the Denver Broncos.
"It frightened us to death at first," 45-year-old full-back
Dave Scaddon told the Daily Telegraph. "We had been out for a
few beers the night before and were all feeling a bit fragile."
To their credit, the slightly hung-over team of middle-aged
Englishmen only lost by 44 points. At that point, the score
didn't bother them a bit, they were just happy to get off the
field alive. (Reuters)
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"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters
is whether I win or lose."
- Darrin Weinberg
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THE GAME IS ON...
--------------
How important is sports to some people? Very!
Take Robert William Greer, Jr., who agreed to plea guilty on
a murder charge on one condition: that he be allowed to stay in
the county jail through the end of January so he could see the
Super Bowl. Greer believed he'd have a better chance to catch
the big game in the local lockup than in the state prison.
He got his wish - and an 18-year, no cut contract. (AP)
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© 2000 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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