SPY VS. SPY

Funnies... Sunday Funnies.

Greetings Agents!
     What you are about to hear must be considered classified
information, not for public release.  You would be surprised the
things that are already known about our operations.  I happen to
know that there are at least two regular SUNFUN subscribers that
have done direct work for the CIA, plus at least one SUNFUN agent
in the U.S. Justice Department.  Their names are, of course, a
highly guarded secret.
     But the real world of spies is about as interesting as a PBS
documentary on the genetics of mole rats.  It takes place mostly
in libraries and universities, where folks just show up to read
and listen, assembling little hints and bits of information into
a coherent picture.  Nothing at all like the movies - not even
the more realistic spy stories of Tom Clancy.
     Take the matter of nuclear secrets...  It pretty much looks
like the only thing the Russians and Chinese don't know about our
nuclear weapons is the exact brand of hot dogs served in the Los
Alamos cafeteria.  Obviously, this security has proved to be too
big a job for the Department of Energy.  Writer Dave Barry has
suggested that maybe we should have the Internal Revenue Service
rewrite our nuclear secrets in the style of the federal tax code,
so that any enemy who tried to read them would be driven insane. 
This would work only for the US because we have already cornered
the world market on tax lawyers.
     But what male wouldn't want to be James Bond?  It is about
the ultimate wish fantasy - great clothes, women, cool cars,
women, great adventures, women, nice dangerous toys and going
around the world blowing things up and shooting.  And meeting
beautiful women.  Of course, a fair amount of that stuff is no
longer politically correct, and a Bond-like character is much
harder to believe in a post-USSR world.  I guess the fact that
the series outlasted the Soviets says more about male fantasies
than real-politik.
     Maybe it is the government secrets act in England that makes
it this way, but even after all of these years and all the
movies, so many things in Bond's life remain unexplained.  Why
does Bond drive a German car.  Why is it that this guy who would
stand out anywhere is employed as a 'secret' agent?  And how do
you get a 'License to Kill?'  Would the learner's permit be a
license to maim?  None of this is never explained.
     Commendations to the agents who have contributed to this
weeks report, especially:  Jerry Taff, Helen Yee, Joshua Brink,
Carol Becwar, Tim McChain, Nori Kreuser, Dean & Lu Peet, Shawn
Mullen, Kerry Miller, Jan Michalski, Bruce Gonzo, Laura Hong Li,
Steve Smith, Anna Macareno, and Mike Tully (even though he wants
to feed my liver to the dogs).  I would explain that, but it's
still classified.
     Have A Hush-Hush Week,


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FAMILY DAY?
----------
     Now here's one you hadn't thought of: the super-secret
National Security Agency (NSA) recently held one of its
occasional family days, so the rest of the family could come and
see where mom or dad works.  About 16,000 people work at the
facility in Fort Meade, Maryland about 25 miles outside of
Washington, D.C.  The agency says it is part of their effort to
inform the public about their mission, which includes printing of
secret code books and testing gear to spy on communications.
     That's right - they want people better informed about the
secret things they are doing.  Such is the spy business in a
democracy.
     "American people need an image of this agency so its
identity is not a vacuum," NSA Director Lt. Gen. Michael Hayden
told reporters.
     Areas opened to the public were carefully cleaned to make
certain no real secrets were left lying around.  That included
the printing plant responsible for printing most of the military
codes used in the US, including those for atomic weapons.
     Even the cafeteria had reminders that this is a security
area, with one sign reading "Don't spill the beans pardner, the
steaks are too high.  No classified talk."  (Reuters)
          [ "And what does your daddy do, Bobby?"  "I
          could tell you, but then I'd have to kill
          you." ]

  Join in the fun at the NSA website(!):  http://www.nsa.gov/

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PICTURE THIS!
------------
     Why send agents out to take photos and make maps when you
can simply use spy satellites.  Oh, you say your problem is that
you don't have a few billion dollars to launch 'em?
     No Problem!  It turns out that the Russians have satellites
already in space that they can't really afford, so you, too can
have the same advantages as nosy rich countries for only a few
bucks a frame ($8.95 to 24.95, depending on coverage area).  And
you can make out objects a small as six feet across, according to
the company, Aerial Images of Raleigh, North Carolina.
     Better, you can even download them in the convenience of
your own home (or bunker) via the Internet.
     The company (www.terraserver.com) is a joint venture of the
commercial arm of the Russian Space Agency and several American
companies, including Kodak, Digital Equipment and Microsoft.  Now
anyone can be a top quality spy.  (Reuters)
          [ Let me get this straight...  American
          capitalists are paying the Russians to spy on
          the US?  I can't decide whether Lenin is
          spinning in his grave or laughing. ]


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REAL SECRETS...
------------
     In a secured facility near Boston, everything is being done
to ensure the highest security possible.  No one gets in without
passing through several security checks.  Before anything is
installed - even manufacturing equipment - security walls are
built so no one can see what is being done.  Nearly all of the
people at work on the project have only the blueprints for their
specific part of the job.
     "I planned it," admits one engineer who worked on the design
of equipment for nearly two years.  "I did everything for it. 
And I couldn't see it."
     "It's like the Pentagon in here," admitted one company
official.
     So, is it a sophisticated new radar?  A newer, smarter
cruise missile?  A secret atomic research facility?
     No, it's the Gillette Razor Company.
     They are hard at work on a project code-named "226," which
is their new Mach3 razor for women.  And they are serious, with
the world market for shaving equipment at over $1 billion, they
ought to be.  While the company has 69% of the men's shaving
market, they only have captured 59% of the women's market.  They
really are out to conquer the world, or at least their small part
of it.
     Despite the security, Gillette has been burned before, such
as when a disgruntled former engineer for the company shared
secret information on the Mach3 razor with competitors.  He later
plead guilty to stealing design secrets.  
     The process to make the Mach3's "diamond-like coating" is
still considered secret, though employees are now allowed to see
the manufacturing equipment.  (Reuters)


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THINGS CHANGE...
-------------
     No more Cold War, no more SMERSH and even the KGB is more
open, if not exactly on our side.  What's an old-line spy like
James Bond going to do?  Here are some of the changes you'll see
to update the Bond movie series over the next few years:


   - The "Bond Girls" are now to be referred to as "Bond Women."

   - The bad guy's evil mountain lair may not be destroyed
     without first conducting environmental impact study on
     implications to surrounding evil henchmen breeding grounds.

   - Bond now introduces himself as "Bond. Jimmy Bond." 

   - Jaws' mouth will now be made from 100% recycled aluminum!

   - Bond is to have brief but meaningful tryst with a male CIA
     operative, sensitively portrayed by Kevin Spacey.

   - If you give him a stirred martini, he won't be happy, but
     he'll drink it

   - When he says, "Shaken, not stirred," bartender answers back
     with a much more realistic, "Whatever you say, you fruity
     English bastard." 

   - The movie's opening credits now feature artistic nude
     silhouettes of John Goodman.

   - Some of the minority characters, though still minor, are
     actually sane.

   - "Octopussy" now referred to as "Woman With 8 Cats."

   - Goodbye tuxedo, hello novelty T-shirt that looks like a
     tuxedo.

   - Bond's new nemesis is "Dr. No-Means-No!"

   - Theme song for the new movie: "The Spy Who Had a Lot of
     Respect for Me"

   - Old Bond: Publicly humiliated arch-nemesis by out-drinking
               and out-gambling him in front of his girl. 
     New, PC Bond:  Publicly humiliates arch-nemesis by vomiting
               on his shoes and making a tearful phone call to
               his AA mentor.

   - The Bond car will be one of the new hybrid gas electric
     cars.  The car chases won't be anywhere near as fast, but
     Bond can always catch the bad guys when they run out of gas.

   - Evil villains will now be referred to as "persons of
     alternative goodness."


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ALTERNATIVE VIEW...
----------------
     When you want to know something about your company, the best
person to ask is your competitor - if you can get him to give you
an honest answer.
     That's why all ears in the American spy departments were
paying close attention when a high-ranking Russian security
official went on the record about the spies he most respects.
     Sergei Ivanov, head of the Security Council advising new
Russian President Vladimir Putin, put it this way:
     "Ours, British and Israeli," said Ivanov, a former worker
for the KGB Soviet security police, when asked which country had
the best agents.
     "The Americans have too much money," Ivanov said.  "This
leads to an impression that everything in the world can be bought
and you don't have to use your head."
     Russia and the U.S. still have occasional spying disputes,
but in these post-Cold War days, the charges are as likely to be
about industrial as military spying.  (Reuters)
          [ Memo to US spies:  Don't expect raises this
          year. ]


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A KINDER, GENTLER SECRET POLICE
-------------------------------
     With the fall of the old Soviet Union, the pressure is off
both Western and Eastern spy agencies.  And it shows.
     Recently, General Andrzej Kapkowski, Poland's intelligence
chief, issued new work rules for that country's spies.
     From now on, Polish cloak and dagger employees will be
required to work only 40 hours per week, Monday through Friday,
from 8:15 a.m. to 4:15 p.m.  If weekend work is required, the
secret agents will get compensation days.
     Also, according to the new regulations, pregnant spies must
not be made to work more than eight hours per day, agents can
only be put "on call" from home four times per month, and anyone
who has to work surveillance missions in bad weather is allowed
to go home two hours early.  (AFP)
          [ So nowadays, "The Spy Who Came In From The
          Cold" gets to go home early? ]


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SECRET RESUMES WANTED...
---------------------
     It is the classic battle...  You are the employment director
of a secret agency, but you have to recruit and hire new
employees when older agents retire to the old spies home.  What
do you do?
     One creative approach was that launched by Britain's top
secret electronic eavesdropping agency called GCHQ, which is so
tightly classified they wouldn't even tell me what the letters
really stood for.  Their answer when looking for 100 new
cryptographers was to post their job application notice on the
World Wide Web - in code.
     "You don't have to solve the puzzle to apply successfully to
join GCHQ but if you include the message in you application form,
we would certainly be interested in talking to you,"  GCHQ said.
     The five-part coded message was posted on a web site late
last year.  Someone cracked the puzzle within 48 hours and more
than 14 other people solved it within a month.  (Reuters)
          [ General Code HeadQuarters?  Great Cod
          Holistic Queen?  Good Car, Hundred Quid? 
          Maybe that is also part of the test... ]


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