SOUTHERN EXPOSURE

The Eyes of Texas Are Upon Us...

Howdy, All Y'All!
     I'm writing this week deep in the heart of Texas...  Well,
actually, it's Texas' "Chemical Coast," which looks pretty much
like Chicago with palm trees and smells alot like northern New
Jersey.  But it has to be Texas because there are so few other
places in the U.S. where the average temperature in the shade is
so much like a sauna.  Besides, it's the only place I know of
where they serve Dr. Pepper warm.
     There are a few thousand cultural stereotypes about Texans,
most of which are nonsense.  Not all Texans are loud or brash,
lots of Texans are intelligent and technically savvy, you only
see a few folks wearing Stetson hats and not everyone drives a
pickup truck.  Not all Texans carry guns, either, but enough do
that it makes it a dangerous place for armed robbers.  For good
or bad, Houston is a modern industrial city with the same kinds
of problems as other big towns.
     A few notions about Texans are observably true, though.  For
one thing, that stereotyped Texas accent is pretty common, though
often as not these days, you hear a Texas drawl from someone
speaking in Spanish.  Much of the food is quite spicy for Yankees
used to more bland fare, though it is not usually blast furnace
inedible.  And pickup trucks are by far the most common vehicles
on the road, and they are driven hard.  Folks in Texas seem to
drive about the same way a bronco bucks; unpredictable, fast and
in three or more directions at once.  For driving in Texas, some
things need translation to be understood.  For example, the sign
"slow traffic ahead" means that the freeway will probably get
down to something like 50% over the posted speed limit.
     Texas is almost more an attitude than a place.  Maybe it has
to do with the state being larger than most of the countries in
Europe.  Texans assume that things in Texas are superior to
anything found elsewhere.  Maybe it is the fact that Texas was a
separate country before it joined the United States that makes it
so different.  It is, after all, the only state that can vote to
leave at any time.  Not that they would, but knowing that it's
possible seems to prevent Texans being in any rush to be like the
rest of the country.  Texas will always be Texas.
     A big Howdy and Thanks to all our pardners out there,
especially:  Jerry Taff, Beth Butler, Nnamdi Elleh, Bruce Gonzo,
Kiyomi Kanazawa, Jack & Sherrie Gervais, Chuck Maray, Laura Hong
Li, Kerry Miller, Larry Sakar, Joshua Brink, Caterina Sukup, Joel
Conrad, Daniel Butler, Howard Lesniak, R.J. Tully, Peter J.
Adler, Tim McChain and Jan Michalski.  And for those of you who
might have questioned the 'All Y'All' in the greeting - my Texas
translator tells me that is the proper Southern grammar.  Only an
uninformed Yankee would use the singular 'Y'All' for all of you
folks at once.
     Have A Good Ol' Week,


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SOUTHERN ETIQUETTE
------------------
     Every place has its rules.  These come from one of our
regular Funnies contributors who also happens to be a true son of
the Republic (Oops!  Make that 'Separate and Sovereign State') of
Texas.  Besides, I owe him one; he kindly taught me the polite
and proper way to order a warm Dr. Pepper so I could fit in
better during my visit deep in the heart of.  Still tasted like
cough syrup, though...

     --------------------

     To all persons born above the Mason - Dixon Line, or
     outside of the great states of the Southern
     Confederacy:  

     Whenever you are blessed to find yourself in one of the
     great southern states, especially the Deep South and
     Gulf South, remember the following rules:


        - Get used to hearing people say, "You ain't from around
          here, are you?"

        - Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in
          Iraq.  You'd better walk.  But remember to put on a hat
          first or the sun will pan fry your brain.

        - Save all manner of bacon grease.  You will be
          instructed later how to use it.

        - Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve
          breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something
          they know.

        - Don't laugh at people's names.  Merleen, Bodie, Luther
          Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known
          to open a can of whoop ass for less insult than that.

        - If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or
          her) as "Bubba."  You have about a 75% chance of being
          right.

        - People walk slower here.  Get used to it.

        - Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they
          ignore those who do.  In fact, if you see a signal
          blinking on a car with Southern license plates, you can
          be sure that it was on when the car was purchased.

        - We know how to speak proper English; we talk this way
          because we want to and we can.  It's like playing the
          blues, you have to know how to do it right first.

        - Don't be surprised to find video rentals and bait in
          the same store.

        - Do NOT buy food at the video rental store.

        - You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you
          already know the positions of key hills, trees and
          rocks, you are probably better off trying to find it
          yourself.

        - Don't go around talking about how much better it is
          back home.  If you don't like it here, haul your Yankee
          behind back up there.

        - Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda.  Down
          South, it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.

        - Don't think of Southerners as a bunch of ignorant
          hillbillies.  Most of us are literate (e.g., Welty,
          Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally
          nicer than Yankees.  We've got plenty of business
          sense, too.  Think Turner Broadcasting, MCI/WorldCom,
          MTG, and Netscape.  Naturally, we can have lapses of
          judgement from time to time  (Think Clinton).  We don't
          care if you think we're dumb; we know better!

        - Yes, we are fully aware that the humidity is high. 
          Your whining about it will not materially improve the
          situation.

        - Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel.  If you
          do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio.  Eat the
          biscuits like God intended, and for God's sake, don't
          put sugar in your grits.  (Mix 'em up with yer runny
          fried eggs... yummmmmmmm!)

        - Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent.  This has been
          known to incite riots.  There is nothing sillier than a
          Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a
          Southerner imitating a Boston accent.  Don't be worried
          that you don't understand anyone.  They don't
          understand you either.

        - We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other
          sissy northern games, so don't ask about the scores. 
          We simply don't care.

        - Last, but by no means, least, DO NOT try to tell us how
          to bar-b-q.  This could lead to permanent expulsion to
          the land of snows and revocation of your Southern
          working visa.

     You're dern lucky that we let you come down here in the
     first place, so don't push your luck.  Eat yer grits, spend
     yer money, and, for God's sake --- TURN OFF YOUR DAMN TURN
     SIGNAL!

     Y'all come back now, ya hear.


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LAPSE OF JUDGEMENT...
------------------
     Texas has been criticized for having frontier-style justice,
but at least one judge carried that a little too far recently by
pursuing his hobby during a trial.  And while it's bad enough
that the judge didn't devote his full attention to the case at
hand, Houston Judge Lon Harper went even further and earned
himself a public reprimand from the Texas State Commission on
Judicial Conduct because he "failed to act in a dignified
manner".
     Now it would have been pretty serious if Judge Harper had
been reviewing his latest photos or sorting his Pokemon card
collection, but the judge didn't do anything like that.
     Somehow, it never occurred to Harper that anyone would mind
him dismantling and cleaning his prized pair of Colt Model 1873
revolvers during a murder trial.  In his defense, the judge said
that he thought no one saw him working on the guns and that it
didn't interfere with court proceedings.
     "Almost all the judges carry guns, I should have just kept
mine under the robe instead of outside of it with a screwdriver,"
said Harper.
     Judge Two-Gun Harper was recently defeated for re-election,
but still occasionally hears cases as a visiting judge.  Before
his election defeat, Harper received the lowest rating among
local judges in the Houston Bar Association's 1997 judicial
evaluation poll.  Did it have any effect?
     "I guess I won't do any more handgun repair on the bench,"
Harper told the paper.  (Reuters)


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YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TEXAS WHEN...
-----------------------------

   - You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

   - You can say it's 110 degrees in the shade without fainting.

   - You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off.

   - You can make sun tea instantly.

   - You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good
     branding iron after sitting in the sun a while.


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FILM CRITICS - WITH FIREARMS
----------------------------
     There have been many famous depictions of Texas on film over
the years, from James Dean in "Giant" to John Wayne's "Alamo." 
And Texans have mostly been pretty proud of the way their state
has been portrayed.
     Until now.
     The town of Happy, Texas says that the movie of the same
name has made them, well, un-Happy.  The film follows the
adventures of two escaped convicts who are mistaken for
travelling beauty pageant experts.  Yes, it's a comedy, but the
people of Happy aren't crazy about being shown as a bunch of
folks in big boots dodging armadillos in the road on their way to
a gay honky-tonk bar.
     "If they're going to make a movie about Happy, then let them
make it about the real place," said rancher Ed Burk.  "There is
no gay bar in Happy."
     City secretary Patricia Sims said she and other officials
did give the film's producers permission to use the town's name. 
But that was before they knew the plot.
     Worse, the Miramax movie wasn't even shot in Texas, though
it ends with the credit line thanking the residents of Happy
"even though we shot entirely on location in Peru, California 
... Sorry."  (AP)
          [ It isn't the gay bar part that bothers most
          folks.  You just can't mess with the sacred
          rituals of beauty contests like the "Miss
          Happy" pageant without causing a ruckus. ]


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THINGS ARE BIGGER IN TEXAS?
--------------------------
     Maybe it is the sensitivity that Texans show when you point
out that they aren't the biggest U.S. state anymore - not since
1959 when Alaska became a state.  But Texas folk are still
convinced that things just have to be bigger in their state. 
Bigness is a virtue above all others in Texas.  It's a law, or
something.
     Which is why it swelled the pride of all true sons and
daughters of the Lone Star State when high-tech measurements
proved their bragging to be a fact on at least one score.
     Official measurements now show that the Texas State Capitol
dome at 302.64 feet (a little over 92 meters) is almost 15 feet
(5 meters) taller than the U.S. Capitol building in Washington.  
     "I'm elated," Rick Crawford, executive director of the State
Preservation Board, told the media.  "We can say with confidence
that ours is taller."
     It is also pinker, but that's another story.  (Reuters)


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THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A TRUE TEXAN SAY...
-------------------------------------------

   - "We don't keep firearms in this house."

   - "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"

   - "The tires on that truck are too darned big."

   - "My fiancee, Betty Jo, is registered at Tiffany's."

   - "Duct tape won't fix that."

   - "Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?"

   - "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."

   - "Honey, we don't need another dog."

   - "Hey look, here's an episode of "Hee-Haw" that we haven't
     seen."

   - "No steak for us; we're vegetarians."

   - "Do you think my hair is too big?"

   - "I'd never think of throwing that bag of trash out of the
     car window."

   - "Deer heads detract from the decor."

   - "I don't have a favorite college football team."

   - "Trim the fat off that steak."

   - "I love Rap music."

   - "Richard Petty?  Who's that?"

   - "If I eat BBQ one more time this week I'll puke!"

   - "I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan."

   - "Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?"

   - "Hey Bubba, let's all get together at my house for Wimbledon
     this year."


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