THE APRIL FOOLS!

More Weird Tales...

Hi again, Funnies Fans!
     All of us do silly things once in a while.  At least, we
hope it is just once in a while.  But there are folks who seem to
make doing truly foolish things a kind of lifestyle.  You know
the type...  They always seem to be jumping into in the hot water
they boiled themselves.  A recent study by social psychologists
Justin Kruger and David Dunning bears out the fact that really
incompetent folks have no idea at all that they are not
functioning well.
     That's right, they are also incompetent to judge their own
incompetency.
     The study pointed out that this might be thought of as the
"above-average effect" -- the notion that most Americans would
rate themselves as above average, a statistical impossibility. 
The folks in the study consistently rated themselves highly
despite all the evidence against it.  Another way of putting it
is that this study conclusively proved that ignorance really is
bliss.  As usual, Shakespeare had it right when he claimed, "The
fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be
a fool."
     Blissful I may be, but not quite ignorant enough to miss
giving Thanks to all of our friends and supporters, especially: 
Laura Hong Li, Dennis & Fumiko David, Tadashi Umezawa, Jerry
Taff, Jan Michalski, Tim McChain, Anna Macareno, Chuck Maray,
Keith Klassey, Peter J. Adler, Kerry Miller, Alison Margaret
Becwar, The Petersons, Carol Becwar, Brian Siegl, Joshua Brink,
Sherry & Jack Gervais, Caterina Sukup and Helen Yee.  So, you
might ask, how does a fool like me justify talking about these
other fools?  I could just plead ignorance, but really, I just
try to follow the rule of old Sam Pepys: "Though he be a fool,
yet he keeps much company, and will tell all he sees and
hears..."  But only if it's silly enough, of course.
     Have A Great Week,


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THE DOOR TO INTELLIGENCE...
-----------------------
     "When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been
accidentally locked inside.  We went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door.  As I watched from the passenger's side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was
unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!'
     'I know,' answered the young man.  'I already got that
side.'"
                            - from the Web

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AND PLEASE TRY TO STAY OUT OF THE WHEY!
--------------------------------------
     More proof that it may be good to be a leader, but you don't
have to be all that smart.  Though he is officially a Prince, it
seems there are times when Prince Philip - husband of England's
Queen Elizabeth - can be a royal pain in the backside.
     One recent occasion was his visit to a cheese factory in
Australia.  While the Queen was visiting Sydney, his royal
whatsis went to Wagga Wagga to visit Charles Stuart University,
which has its own cheese laboratory.
     In preparation for the visit, the cheese makers had laid out
the rubber boots, white coat and hair net required by hygiene
rules for the Prince.  The nattily dressed royal currently known
as prince refused to bother because, his staff said, he was only
going to spend four minutes in the lab.
     Cheese maker Barry Lillywhite, of Brisbane admitted that -
short time or not - a large vat of experimental lemon myrtle
flavored cheese was contaminated by the presence of the
unprotected prince and would likely have to be thrown out. 
(Reuters)
          [ Sure is a good thing the Prince didn't
          visit an operating room... ]


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SMOKE GETS IN THEIR EYES...
------------------------
     The past couple of years have been pretty rough on folks in
the tobacco business, and some of them have taken to lashing out
at the media, regulators and everyone else in reach.  But the
folks at Brown and Williamson Tobacco have apparently taken a
refreshing dip off the deep end of lunacy.  When you call their
800 number, you get serenaded - whether you want to or not - by a
song that even the announcer admits is pretty lousy.
     You can try it yourself at:  1-800-578-7453

     For those of you outside the U.S. with a reasonably
     fast Internet connection, you can hear the world's
     stupidest song about tobacco by clicking here and
     waiting for it to load (it's about 450K long):

https://members.tripod.com/snfn/funnies/sf_2ad1a.htm



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LITERAL INTERPRETATIONS
-----------------------
     "A friend of my mine made a call inquiring about a 'starving
artist' painting show at a local hotel.  The operator said just a
minute, then, after a short delay, she heard a voice answer
'Hello, Catering Department...'"
                            - from the Web


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TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS DEPARTMENT
-----------------------------------
     I know a few folks who get quite nervous when they are
driving along and notice a police car behind them.  They seem
very worried about being stopped - sometimes worried enough that
they make silly mistakes.
     But hopefully not quite as stupid as what a 30-year-old Los
Angeles man did last Thursday when he noticed police following
his car.  He had some reason to be nervous, having apparently
enjoyed a little too much fruit of the grape before hitting the
road.  His erratic driving was what had attracted police
attention in the first place as he drove home around 2 a.m.
     Apparently concerned about the open can of beer he still had
in the car, the man opened the door, and, according to police
tried to throw the can out of the car.
     Unsuccessfully, as it turned out.
     "When the suspect tried to throw a beer can out of the car,
he opened the door and fell out onto the street," said Lt. Thomas
Ward.
     And that was certainly enough to get the attention of the
police, who packed him off to the hospital to be treated for cuts
and bruises.  After arresting him on suspicion of driving under
the influence, of course.  (Reuters)
          [ Good thing the guy's beer can pitch was
          unsuccessful; in California, the fines for
          littering can be pretty serious. ]


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AFTER A FASHION...
---------------
     Of course, attracting too much attention from the police is
an incredibly stupid idea if you really are breaking the law.  So
maybe Alison Mary McKinnon made an unwise, attention-getting
fashion choice on her recent trip abroad.  And it wasn't her
black, 'gothic-style' wardrobe, either.
     The 37-year-old British citizen went through the airport
wearing so many intimate body piercings that she set off the
airport's metal detector.  That in itself isn't illegal, but the
6.6 pounds (2 kg.) of heroin police say they found strapped to
her body is.  If convicted, McKinnon will have plenty of time to
perfect her command of the Turkish language; the official door
prize for that little misadventure is a 30-year stop over before
her flight out.  (Reuters)


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COURTING DISASTER AGAIN...
-----------------------
     One thing authorities in Berlin had to admit, the young man
charged with leaving the scene of an accident had showed up for
his court hearing.
     Of course, that's because he had a police escort after
taking the bus.  
     No, not riding the bus - taking it.
     Police caught up with him when he jumped a red light in the
stolen transit vehicle he had driven away from a holding yard. 
The 18-year-old's court appearance has been rescheduled and he
has been taken into custody on the new charge of bus theft.
     The justice authority spokesman said the teen deserved some
credit, "At least he was on time for court."  (Reuters)
          [ He sounds like the kind of guy who would
          have complimented Hitler on his nice
          moustache... ]


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MAKING AN ASS OF HIMSELF IN COURT
---------------------------------
     A homeless man in Russellville, Arkansas was in court
recently on a charge of disorderly conduct.  For some reason or
another, the guy had decided to act as his own lawyer.  Confused
by the procedures, he wasn't doing a very good job, and the court
ruled some of his presentation irrelevant.
     The upset defendant then shouted obscenities at the judge,
faced away from the bench and dropped his pants.
     The bottom line?  The judge admitted that this 'shoot-for-
the-moon' strategy was a unique defense for a disorderly conduct
charge, but added a charge of contempt of court and had the
would-be lawyer's backside hauled off to jail.
          [ The good news!  The man is no longer
          homeless - not for the next ten months or so,
          anyway... ]


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THAT CERTAIN INSIGHT...
--------------------
     As in many federal buildings in the U.S., the snack bar at
the federal courthouse in Providence, Rhode Island is run by a
vendor who is blind.  Though his job requires him to take
in cash and make change, he is rarely cheated since most people
honestly say what amount they have given him and what they are
buying.  Being quite well-organized, as with many people who
don't see well, he is able to make the business run very well.
     One of the rare cheats was a woman who said she was giving
him a $20 while buying an apple juice when she really gave him
just a $1 bill.  Of course, she collected the change and departed
before the vendor found out.  That was bad enough in itself, but
she was stupid enough to try the same scam a few days later.
     She never counted on the fact that the clerk could recognize
her voice, even though he couldn't see her.  But the Federal
Security Police the clerk called were able to see her quite
clearly.  Sure enough, she had tried the same trick again.  And
now she not only faces misdemeanor fraud charges, but also lost
her job as a court clerk in the building.


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PAIN IN THE GAS DEPARTMENT
--------------------------
     As I write this, there are many stupid things being said
about the high price of gasoline, which has risen to a shocking
$1.50 a gallon here in the U.S. - nearly one quarter of what
people pay in Europe or Japan!  While the politicians are all
trying to blame each other or the OPEC countries, it's worth
checking on just what gasoline really costs in relation to other
common liquids.  According to a study done by petroleum research
company John S. Herold, Inc., here's how gas compares (all prices
in U.S. dollars):


  PRODUCT             PRICE       PRICE PER BARREL (5376 Oz.)
--------------------------------------------------------
  Crude Oil        
  (Arab Light FOB)*   $26.28             $ 26.28

  Regular Unleaded    $ 1.29/gal         $ 54.14
  Gasoline**

  Coca-Cola           $ 0.99/2 liter     $ 78.73

  Milk                $ 1.79/gal         $150.36

  Evian Water         $ 1.79/1.5 liter   $189.80

  Budweiser Beer      $ 4.79/6-pack      $357.65

  Olive Oil           $10.99/1.5 liter   $1,165.33

  Real Maple Syrup    $ 4.59/12oz        $2,056.32

  Jack Daniels
  Whiskey             $19.49/0.75 liter  $4,141,43

  Visine              $ 5.99/1oz         $32,202.24

  Flonase 
  Prescription 
  Nasal Spray         $64.59/16 grams    $615,240.95

     So, next time you are at the pump, just be thankful your car
doesn't run on Visine or Flonase!


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STUCK FOR DAMAGES...
-----------------
     An Irish woman named Marian Gahan won $5,132 in damages from
a pub in Dublin after the owners left her locked inside
overnight.  It seems she had been drinking and had fallen asleep
in the toilet of Searson's Pub and didn't wake until the wee
hours of the morning, well after the pub had closed.  She
successfully sued the owners, Guinness Ireland Group Ltd., for
not checking the potty before leaving.
     Meanwhile, in Reims, France, a 25-year-old Frenchman found
himself locked inside a sex shop after he fell asleep one
Saturday night while watching a porn movie.  As with Ms. Gahan,
he awoke in the middle of the night to find the place shuttered
and the owners gone for the weekend.  He was eventually released
by police, but his chance of a lawsuit was severely weakened by
the fact that it took him until late Sunday afternoon to call for
help.  (Reuters)
          [ Well...  He was busy. ]


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OH, POOH...
--------
     People have been happily using the new, convenient mailbox
in a park in Yorkshire, England.  The traditional bright red box
has been yielding a steady stream of letters ever since it was
installed a few weeks ago.  Awfully smelly letters, since the box
is actually a dog waste receptacle that was mistakenly painted
the wrong color.  The puppy poop bin was supposed to have been
green, but the builder supplied a red one instead, for some
reason.
     "The color indicates to everyone that it is a postbox," said
town councilor Geoff Richardson.  (Reuters)
          [ Well, not quite everyone, since at least a
          few people have obviously been using it for
          its intended purpose. ]


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SINKING SKIPPER NOT IN SYNC...
---------------------------
     Living in a country that is nearly surrounded by the sea,
the Danes certainly know how to respond to a report of a sinking
ship.  And when a man identifying himself as the captain of a 12-
man freighter in distress off the coast of Denmark phoned in a
report that one man had been washed overboard and his vessel had
a 45-degree list, authorities leapt into action.
     The Maritime Sea Rescue Command rushed two well-equipped
rescue vessels to search for the disaster at sea.  Not finding
any ship at the reported position after searching for more than
an hour, authorities investigated the call further.  Police
traced the calls to the captain of a sinking ship all right: the
very drunk skipper of a toy boat that was taking on water in the
captain's bathtub.  The drunken Dane faces fines of over a
thousand dollars in the model disaster.  (Reuters)
          [ Well, you know what they say about a fool
          and his money. ]


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