Welcome Back, Webbed Companions...
Email and the World Wide Web are certainly wonderful gifts
of modern technology. Never before have so many people been able
to gather and send so much information so quickly. Modern
digital communications have made it possible for all of us to
share our thoughts and data with incredible ease. We can keep in
touch with friends and associates around the world in nearly real
time - sometimes with moving images. No denying it - it is
marvelous fun. And there is hardly any limit to the learning
resources online.
But those of you who have been around the Web for a while
have been waiting for me to get to the dark side of this modern
communications miracle. For all of the wonders of time and space
the Web allows, it also presents some fairly bent individuals
with the ability to distribute more crap in an afternoon than a
drekmeister like Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels did in
a couple of decades. If it isn't outright porn or other slime,
it will be the spam that clogs our mailboxes and makes life
online more of a chore than it should be. Worst of all is the
stuff forwarded by well-meaning friends and associates,
including chain Emails, bogus faxlore and phony virus warnings.
Often you will see the same fake warnings over and over - to the
point where you know their history and can identify mutations
from earlier E-glop.
Maybe it is the speed of these communications that keep
people from checking their sources. Like the goofy hoax offering
"FREE VACATIONS AT DISNEYLAND!!!!!!!" sent by "Walt Disney, Jr."
Even a little fact checking turns up the fact that old Walt had
only two children - daughters Diane and Sharon. No Walt, Jr.
Not even a Huey, Louie or Dewie, though one of the Disney
grandkids IS named Walter (Miller). Over the years, this sort of
Mickey Mouse rumor has made me pretty skeptical of everything I
read on the Web. So skeptical that I don't even believe most of
what I write myself.
Thanks this week to our ever trustworthy friends and
supporters, including: Brian Siegl, Jerry Taff, Gail
Schneider/Cassafer, Carol Becwar, Tim McChain, Jack Gervais, Jan
Michalski, Mark Becwar, Beth & Jim Butler, Paul Roser, Tadashi
Umezawa, Laura Hong Li, Larry Sakar, Chuck Maray, Kerry & Carla
Miller, Howard Lesniak, Joshua Brink, Bruce Gonzo, Stacie Meyer,
Celil Guclu and Keith Klassey. So, don't believe everything you
read - not even in SUNFUN. But I do hope that you enjoy this
little trip into the Web's version of Fantasy Land...
Have A Sensible Week,
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"It doesn't matter whether inaccurate information is
intentionally or accidentally put in our paths, we have
the obligation to know that something is accurate
before we repeat it. And it doesn't matter whether the
slander is directed at friends or enemies."
- John Tartaro.
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There are thousands of these E-rumors and this weeks Funnies can
only scratch the surface. With all of this stuff I have received
over the years, Funnies started out 1,143 pages long this week.
So, before passing along any of these rumors, check these useful
Anti-Hoax Links:
- The FPROT Antivirus People at:
http://www.datafellows.com/hoaxes/
- The Mining Companies listing of Urban legends:
http://urbanlegends.miningco.com/culture/urbanlegends/library/
- The Wooden Spoons Urban Legend Collection at:
http://www.snopes.com/index.html
- The Computer Virus Myths Page at:
http://www.kumite.com/myths/
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PREPARE FOR A TAX ATTACK...
------------------------
I have no idea why, but this one urban legend accounted for
more hoaxmail than any other in the SUNFUN files. After having
gone away for a while, it is back again. The story? The U.S.
Postal Service (in some stories, it is the FCC) wants to place a
tax on every piece of Email delivered. Here are some critical bits
of the usual Email with most of the badly-spelled ranting cut
out:
"Bill 602P will permit the Federal Govt to charge a 5
cent surcharge on every email delivered" ...
"Washington D.C. lawyer Richard Stepp is working
without pay to prevent this legislation from becoming
law."
...
"One congressman, Tony Schnell (r) has even suggested a
"twenty to forty dollar per month surcharge on all
Internet service" above and beyond the government's
proposed email charges."
...
"Send this email to all Americans on your list and tell
your friends and relatives to write to their
congressman and say "No!" to Bill 602P. Kate Turner
Assistant to Richard Stepp, Berger, Stepp and Gorman
Attorneys at Law 216 Concorde Street, Vienna, Va."
----------
This hoax goes way back - at least a decade or more. There
is a Vienna, Virginia (and it's VA, not Va), but there is no
Concorde Street and no such law firm. Richard Stepp is not a
member of the Virginia Bar. The bill number is wrong, too - it
should be something like H.R. 602 - in some versions of the
rumor, this is fixed. But that's OK, there isn't any Congressman
Tony Schnell, either. A small amount of digging turned up a
Canadian version of this hoax using exactly the same wording and
names with Richard Stepp as a Toronto attorney and Tony Schnell
as a "Liberal M.P." Old Tony certainly does get around, doesn't
he, being BOTH an invisible Congressman and a phantom Member of
Parliament? No wonder he can't get his modem tax passed.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"It ain't so much the things you don't know that get
you in trouble. It's the things you know that just
ain't so."
- Artimus Ward, 1834-1867
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THE DEVIL, YOU SAY?
------------------
The folks at Procter & Gamble used their antique corporate
symbol showing a bearded man in the moon and 13 stars for
generations without any trouble. Then suddenly, in the 1980's,
the rumors started. Rumors that the company was owned by the
Rev. Moon and his Moonies, or that a top company executive had
admitted on the "Phil Donahue talk show" that a percentage of the
company's profits went to the "Church of Satan." Mighty weird
stuff for a conservative, old-line company. Who could be lying
about them that way?
P&G says that they now know, and claim they can prove it.
The company says that competitor Amway pushed the rumors to sell
their own brand of household products - especially among some
conservative Christian groups. So, Proctor & Gamble sued Amway
in the Texas courts recently, and, though the case was thrown out
on a technicality, P&G says they are not about to let the matter
drop.
The lawsuit asks for $595 million in lost sales from 1995 to
1997, plus an unspecified amount for damage to the company's
reputation. Amway counter-sued, claiming that P&G is just
jealous of their distribution network and Asian operations, which
are actually somewhat cult-like, too. In their defense, Amway
also says that they tried to stop their distributors from
spreading the false rumor.
Though P&G isn't happy about the legal reverse in their
suit, they aren't entirely unhappy with the result.
"Calls to Procter & Gamble from consumers about the rumors
have been at their lowest levels in two decades since we filed
these suits against Amway," a company spokesperson said.
(Reuters)
[ So, could Amway's defense strategy be "The
devil made us do it?" ]
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HOW THESE THINGS START...
----------------------
Craig Shergold is a ten year-old boy who is dying of cancer
because anti-perspirants clogged his pores. Before he dies, he
would like to set the world record for receiving the most
Neiman-Marcus Cookie Recipes. If you forward this Email to as
many people as possible, Bill Gates himself will send PBS enough
money to save "Sesame Street" and Walt Disney, Jr. will give you
a free vacation at Disney World.
In the meantime, you can live high on the hog with free
M&M's and free Miller Beer, which taste surprisingly good
together with mutant-chicken dinners from KFC. They used to be
Kentucky Fried Chicken, of course, but that was before the
government forced them to change their name for using non-chicken
chickens. Not only that - for extra money this summer, you can
forward those Emails funded by "National Banks everywhere!!" that
"Teaches kids how to manage money!!!" And you know that GAP and
Old Navy stores are just waiting to give you free clothing
because you sent their Email to hundreds of your "best friends."
But you should never wear any Tommy Hilfiger clothes,
because he made racist statements on 'Oprah.'" Or, maybe that
was Liz Claiborne on 'The Phil Donahue Show.' Anyway, that must
have been the same TV show where the head of Procter & Gamble
admitted that the satanists who owned the company had sold it to
Rev. Moon so they can buy the oil well hole the Russians
accidentally drilled into Hell a few years ago.
Oh, and we shouldn't buy any more gas until the government
releases its secret files on the 200 mile-per-gallon carburetor
that guy in Canada invented.
--------------------
I don't understand it... Now that I've forwarded this to
more than "11 people on my Email list," I was supposed to see the
"cool video" of Ronald McDonald feeding worm burgers to the Taco
Bell dog. Maybe it doesn't work because I opened that Email that
said "Join the Crew."
I know this is all true, because I read it in the same Email
that told me that Marilyn Monroe was on the Grassy Knoll in
Dallas and shot JFK so the Tri-Lateral Commission could start the
New World Order using mind control and Hillary could eat
banana-and-peanut-butter-sandwiches while riding in a black
helicopter with the head of the CIA, who used to be known as
Elvis.
... What? Don't worry, doctor, I'll take my medication in
just a minute, after I finish sending this Email.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"The most outrageous lies that can be invented will
find believers if a person only tells them with all his
might."
- Mark Twain.
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THE MOTHER OF ALL COMPUTER VIRUSES...
----------------------------------
BEWARE of the "BAD TIMES" COMPUTER VIRUS!!! The U.S.
Federal Government says it heard about this on CNN. The FCC says
that it will rewrite your hard drive. The FBI says that it will
also rewrite your diary. The FAA says that it will reduce your
frequent flyer miles. The FHA says it will cause extra payments
on your mortgage. Not only that, this scary-sounding computer
virus has other nasty effects:
- It will scramble any floppy disks that are within 16.35 feet
of your computer and scratch all your CD's.
- It will recalibrate your refrigerator's cold setting so all
your ice cream gets melty.
- Using N-dimensional subspace harmonics, it will demagnetize
the strips on all your credit cards.
- It will change your ATM access numbers and mess up the
tracking on your VCR.
- It will put aluminum foil in your microwave and lipstick in
your clothes dryer.
- It will cause your toilet to flush for no reason late at
night.
- It will ring your doorbell and run.
- It will give you nightmares about circus midgets with big
feet.
- "Bad Times" will make you fall in love with a penguin.
- It will turn your underwear around so you will be wearing it
backwards.
- It will cause eggs to stick to your Teflon frying pans.
- It moves your car around in parking lots so you can't find
it.
- It will cause your TV remote control to switch to a porn
channel when your minister is over for supper.
- "Bad Times" will give you Dutch Elm disease and Bog Spavins.
- It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the
coffee table when there is company coming over.
- It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
- It will rearrange the molecular structure of your cologne or
perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.
- It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying
to behold. It is awesome in its power and majesty. It is
light blue in color.
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MONKEYING AROUND ON THE NET...
---------------------------
"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million
keyboards could produce the 'Complete Works of
Shakespeare'; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this
is not true."
- Robert Wilensky, University of
California
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AND ONE RUMOR THAT TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE...
---------------------------------------
OK, you deserve one story that isn't a hoax. Everyone is
frustrated by bad treatment from store clerks and bank officials
who don't seem to care whether you do business with them or not.
So here's the true story of a faxlore that has been going around
the web for a few years - the one about the shabbily-dressed
millionaire who pulled all his money out of a bank when they
refused to validate his parking check.
You've probably become skeptical by now. Just so you don't
think this is another rumor, I found the story on the UPI
wire service and printed in both "The American Banker" (2/27/1989
p.23) and "United States Banker Magazine" (4/89 p.8). The
several versions check out and agree on details.
John Barrier of Spokane, Washington was a self-made
millionaire who made his money by rehabbing old buildings and
selling them at a profit. For over 30 years he had banked with
Old National Bank in Spokane.
In October of 1988, Barrier was on the way home from working
at a construction site. He was dressed in old work clothes when
he stopped at the bank to cash a check, leaving his pickup truck
in the nearby parking lot.
Barrier cashed the check, but the clerk looked at him in
his grubby clothes and refused to stamp his parking, saying that
the bank "only validated parking tickets when a customer made a
transaction and that cashing a check wasn't a transaction,"
according to Barrier.
The bank manager also refused, treating the fashion-
challenged Barrier as if he was just some derelict who'd wandered
in off the street after spending the night in a dumpster.
"Fine," Barrier said, "You don't need me and I don't need
you."
So, Barrier went back to the counter and closed his
accounts. All of them. When the clerk saw the amounts, that got
her attention, but it was a little too late for apologies.
Barrier took his money across the street to the Seafirst Bank and
opened new accounts there.
"The first check he brought me was for $1 million," said
Dennis Veter, vice president of Seafirst's main Spokane branch.
"You'd never know by looking at him, but you or I should be so
lucky."
"If you have $1 in a bank or $1 million, I think they owe
you the courtesy of stamping your parking ticket," said John
Barrier.
[ Old National Bank was later taken over by U.S. Bank.
I guess that wasn't the only account they had lost. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2000 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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