THE BEYOND HELP DESK!

More Tech Tales

Hi Again, Funnies Fans...
     We live in a world of technology.  OK, so that's a really
obvious and uninformative statement.  Just the kind of thing that
a writer spouts when trying to make a really obvious point.  But
that doesn't make it any less true.
     You are reading this on a machine that didn't exist when
your parents were born - even if you are still in high school. 
And a large part of the things we use every day couldn't have
been constructed 100 years ago.  One reason why the Y2K situation
caused such fear was that it was perhaps the first time that so
many people had stopped to consider what would happen if the
technology stopped working.  We have become technology junkies,
completely dependant on larger and larger fixes to get us through
the day.
     What many people don't consider is just how long this has
been true.  The ancient Romans had a good military, which helped
tremendously in their conquests, but it was technology - namely
the system of roads and public works - that held their empire
together.
     And even before that, humans had to use brain power to
conquer our obvious weaknesses.  We don't run especially fast
when compared with most animals, nor do we jump very well.  And
we are pretty poorly equipped with claws and teeth.  So we needed
some technology right from the very beginning just to survive at
all.  The first cave people to tie sharp stones to their spears
must have seemed invincible at the time.  Until the next guy
figured out the secret, anyway...
     With all of our technology, one thing has not changed.  We
are dependent not only on our techno-toys, but on the people who
help to make them work.  In our case, that includes all of you
who encourage and contribute to keep this thing going, this week
including:  Kerry Miller, Fumiko Umino, Jerry Taff, Tim McChain,
Jack Gervais, Laura Hong Li, Peter Adler, Patricia Jischke, Beth
Butler, Jan Michalski, Carol Becwar, Meredith & Yasmin Leischer,
Brian Siegl Joshua Brink, and Bruce Gonzo.  Thanks to all of you,
and hope that all of your technology works well enough that we'll
have you back with us next week.
     Have A Great Week!


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LATIN FOR TECHNO-TYPES
----------------------
          Nisi Defectum Haud Reficindium  
          (If it ain't broke, don't fix it)


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JUST THE FAQ's DEPARTMENT...
-------------------------
     Today's Question in our series on Understanding Technology
is:  "Where do Deleted Characters go to?"

   ----------

     This is not as simple a question as it might seem.  As you
know, computers represent all characters as numbers, which are
stored in memory as tiny blobs of energy.  Since energy can
neither be created nor destroyed, it stands to reason that all of
our mistakes and mis-typings are still around out there
somewhere.
     The only question is, where are they?  Here we leave the
sunlit paths of technological knowledge and head into the thick
underbrush of philosophy.  There are several competing theories
about what happens to the characters when they disappear from the
screen.


   - The Catholic's Approach to Deleted Characters:

          The nice characters go to character heaven, where life
     is good.  These characters are bathed in the light of
     happiness, all their troubles are soothed, and there's not a
     delete key, eraser, or White-Out bottle in sight.  Most of
     the nice characters are A's and I's, those that have never
     been, er, involved with other characters.  Often, you'll see
     A's or I's with N's or T's. These are characters in love:
     monogamous on the page, together again after deletion. 
     You'll see quite a few Q's and U's, too.  They seem to feel
     particularly guilty for no good reason.
          Naughty characters like X's and S's are punished for
     their sins.  They go into the eternal fire of some boring,
     repetitive process, possibly flashing endlessly on the clock
     of a VCR.


   - The Protestant Approach:

          Even before they are put on the page, characters are
     predestined for good or evil.  The characters must have
     faith that the words they are forming are used for good. 
     Especially good deleted characters come from structured
     computer languages like "C" and "Pascal."  


   - The Buddhist Explanation:

          If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is
     good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated
     as a different, higher character.  Those funny characters
     above the numbers on your keyboard may become numbers,
     perhaps numbers will become letters, lower-case letters will
     become upper-case, and so on.  The most righteous and good
     of letters will become C's.  Why C, you ask?  What is the
     sound of one hand clapping?  If you don't understand, then
     you cannot have the Buddha nature.
          But if a character's karma is not so good, then it will
     move down the above scale, ultimately becoming the lowest of
     characters, a space.


   - The Nihilist/Atheist Explanation:

          Who cares?  All characters are the same, swirling in a
     vast sea of meaningless nothingness.  It doesn't really
     matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted,
     underlined, etc. It's all the same.  It would be simpler if
     the characters would just delete themselves.


   - The Mac User's Delete Philosophy:

          All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go
     straight to hell.  If you're using a PC, you can probably
     see the deleted characters, because you're in hell also.


   - Stephen King's Explanation:

          Every time you hit the  key you unleash a tiny
     monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting
     characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them,
     bones and all.


   - Dave Barry's Explanation:

          The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek,
     Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this
     explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap
     imitations are not as flammable.  I am not making this up.


   - IBM's explanation:

          The characters are not real. They exist only on the
     screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them
     is merely to de-conceptualize them.  Get a life.


   - The Politically Correct Explanation:

          You've been DELETING them????!  Can't you hear them
     SCREAMING???  What's next, CLUBBING some BABY SEALS while
     wearing a MINK COAT??!!!!!!


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WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE?
--------------------------------
     It is pretty well known that there is a serious imbalance
between unmarried men and single females in Silicon Valley.  In
fact, the whole place is pretty much like engineering school used
to be.
     So maybe it's not surprising that the group "American
Singles" would hold its annual convention there.  Or that
hundreds of single women would show up with dreams of catching an
eligible bachelor with a high-paying job.  Maybe even the next
Bill Gates.
     Most went home disappointed, when only a tiny number of men
showed up, leaving the gals dancing with each other.  Where were
all the eligible guys?  Probably, said one local woman, at work
in front of their computer screens.  (Reuters)
          [ Yeah...  How these engineering types manage
          to reproduce is one of the mysteries of the
          universe.  It's more complex than copy &
          paste. ]


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     I hit the CTRL key but I'm certain I'm still not in
     control!

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TALES FROM THE TECHNICAL FRONTIER...
---------------------------------

     Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

     Tech Support:  "Tell me what you've done."

     Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

     Tech Support:  "Sir, remove the disk and tell me what it
                    says."

     Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery
               disk'."

     Tech Support:  "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

     Customer: "What?"

     Tech Support:  "Did you buy MS word?"

     Customer: "No..."



     @@@@@@@@@@@@

   - Then there was the user who was confused about why the
     cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the
     movement of the mouse.  She also complained that the buttons
     were difficult to depress.  She was very embarrassed when we
     asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from
     her.


     @@@@@@@@@@@@

   - "I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her
     car.  'Do you need some help?' I asked.  She replied, 'I
     knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door
     unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.  Do you think they
     (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a    
     battery for this?' 

     'Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

     'No, just this remote 'thingy,'' she answered, handing it
     and the car keys to me.

     As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
     'Why don't you drive over there and check about the
     batteries... it's a long walk.'"

                            - From the web...


     @@@@@@@@@@@@

     Tech Support:  "What does the screen say now."

     Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." 

     Tech Support:  "Well?"

     Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?" 


     @@@@@@@@@@@@

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MORE GREAT MOMENTS IN TECHNOLOGY...
--------------------------------
     "It works!  Now if only I could remember what I did..."


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12 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM "TECH SUPPORT"
---------------------------------------------------

   - "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

   - "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

   - "So -- what are you wearing?"

   - "Duuuuuude!  Bummer!"

   - "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals,
     Cap'n."

   - "Press 1 for Technical Support.  Press 2 if you're with '60
     Minutes.'  Press 3 if you're with the Federal Trade
     Commission."

   - "We can fix this, but you're going to need a butter knife, a
     roll of duct tape, and a car battery."

   - "I'm sorry, Dave.  I'm afraid I can't do that."

   - "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

   - "Hold on a second...  Mom!  Timmy's hitting me!"

   - "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics' and
     meditate on the true meaning of your engram."


  But, worst of all is...

   - "Please hold for Mr. Gates's attorney."


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THE LAW OF UNEXPECTED RESULTS...
-----------------------------
     We have reached the point in our technology where we don't
have to continually re-invent every part as we go.  If we had to
individually make each nut and bolt of a project, there would
never be time to play with the new toys we invent.  Henry Ford
didn't have to learn how to make the rubber tires for his first
car, he just bought ready-made bicycle tires and stuck them on.
     And we now do much the same thing with software programs. 
The same code that was designed to run an elevator often works
surprisingly well running a ski-lift, construction crane or
amusement park ride.  But sometimes these shortcuts do have
unexpected results.
       The Australian military has developed some very
sophisticated virtual reality simulators.  In particular, their
attack helicopter simulation is very interesting.  All features
of the Australian landscape have been programmed in, including
very realistic terrain and wildlife.  The reaction of groups of
kangaroos was specifically included since a mob of disturbed
'roos could give away the position of a hovering helicopter to
enemy troops.
     To save time, the programmer built the kangaroo code from
the code for virtual enemy soldiers by just changing their
appearance and increasing the speed to simulate a kangaroo's
movements as they flee from attackers.
     Then, during a visit by US military personnel, a hotshot
American helicopter pilot decided to buzz a troop of kangaroos in
the simulator, just for fun.
     The troop of kangaroos scattered realistically across the
landscape hiding behind rocks and bushes, just as you would
expect.  Then, to the horror of the Australians, the
"defenseless" animals started shooting back at the helicopters
from cover using small arms and 'Stinger' anti-aircraft missiles,
shooting down several of the attacking helicopters!
     Which is when the programmer realized he had forgotten to
delete the THAT part of the standard infantry reaction code from
the kangaroo's programming.


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