THE BOOK OF JOBS

SUNFUN Hires on For Employment & Jobs Humor

Hello, Workers of the World!
     Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?  I know it sounds like a
union organizing slogan, but it does pretty well describe us
folks who keep doing whatever it is we do so they pay us.  And,
now that the cold war has ended, we can use the phrase "workers
of the world" again without having to appear before the House Un-
American Activities Committee, too.
     We spend more time at work than doing any other activity -
even sleeping.  Of course, in saying this, I'm not counting those
of you who already sleep at work.  It is a fact that we do take
much of our identity from the job we do, and most of us take
pride in the things we have accomplished.  
     One odd problem of modern life is that it has become harder
for us to describe to friends and relatives just what we do when
we are working.  Generations ago, a worker could say that he was
a "shipbuilder," just for example.  And that is pretty much what
he did.  But if you look at a modern shipyard, there are welders,
fabricators, pipe-fitters, riveters, accountants, supervisors,
draftspeople and electricians.  The modern division of
responsibility has made it possible to build ships without ever
hiring any shipbuilders.  Stranger yet, if a shipbuilder did show
up at the gate and apply for work, management wouldn't know what
to do with the person.  No such job description...
     Time for me to work out how to say Thank You to all of you
who sent contributions and encouragement this week.  Folks doing
that work this week include:  Nnamdi Elleh, Jerry Taff, Eva Lu
Yu-Hwa, Kerry Miller, Tim McChain, Anna Macareno, Brian Siegl,
Jack Gervais, Carol Becwar, Fumiko Umino, Jan Michalski, Joshua
Brink, John & Ellen Peterson, Emmie & P.Y. Yen, Bruce Gonzo, and
Naomi Ogawa.  Thanks for all of your hard work to keep this thing
going, and hope that you enjoy your "real" jobs as much.  Of
course, even if you don't, they still pay you.
     Have A Great "Work" Week,


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APPLY LIBERALLY...
---------------
     Legend has it that this is an actual application submitted
to a McDonald's restaurant.  There is also a claim around the web
that McDonald's hired the guy based on this application.  But,
since there is also a claim on the web that Elvis and Natalie
Wood are living happily together after being abducted by space
aliens, I'll have to reserve judgement.  Regardless, this guy is
surprisingly forthright and honest about applying for one of the
world's worst jobs.


  NAME:        John Q. xxxxxxxxxx

  DESIRED POSITION: Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's
                    available.  If I was in a position to be
                    picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the
                    first place. 

  DESIRED SALARY:   $185,000 a year plus stock options and a
                    Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If
                    that's not possible, make an offer and we can
                    haggle.

  EDUCATION:   Yes, but is that really a requirement to work
                    here? 

  LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.

  SALARY:      Less than I'm worth.

  MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen
                    pens and Post-It notes. 

  REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

  HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

  PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
                    Thursday.

  DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better
                    suited to a more intimate environment.

  MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I
                    be here?

  DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD 
  PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
                                             Of what?
 
  DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here
                    would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

  HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
                    I may already be a winner of the Publisher's
                    Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!

  DO YOU SMOKE?:    Depends on what it is. 

  WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
                    Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously
                    wealthy super model who thinks I'm the
                    greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually,
                    I'd like to be doing that now.

  DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND 
  COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: 
                    No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. 

  SIGN HERE:   Scorpio with Libra rising.


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THE SIX PHASES OF EVERY PROJECT
-------------------------------

     1. Enthusiasm

     2. Disillusionment

     3. Panic

     4. Search for the Guilty

     5. Punishment of the Innocent

     6. Praise and Honors for the Non-Participants


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STRANGE JOBS DEPARTMENT
-----------------------
     Think your job is a little odd sometimes?  Consider the
hazards of Jeffrey Bruce's job, which get him stopped for
suspicion regularly in airports all over the world.
     Jeff's job?  "Underwear wrangler" responsible for hooking
and unhooking the unmentionables for models during photo shoots.
     When Bruce has to open his satchel for inspection at the
airport, his explanations for all the bras, panties, stockings,
briefs, tape and safety pins somehow never seem to go quite far
enough with the authorities.   (New York Times Magazine)


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MONEY FOR NOTHING...
-----------------
     "Imagine my surprise when our manager won a "SmartThinker"
award and $250 for his policy of turning off the lights when the
office was empty, theoretically saving the company up to $20,000
a year!
     However, because our technical support desk was staffed 24
hours a day, the office was *never* empty and the lights were
never turned off."


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THE LATEST FROM THE THEORETICAL FRONT...
-------------------------------------
     Some large companies seem to chase along after every
management fad that comes along, no matter what it is or how
foolish it is to apply it to their business.  This week's
buzzword is quality, so the middle managers run around putting
QUALITY stickers on all of the product boxes, all the while
hoping that no one notices it's the same old crap made the same
old way.
     They "right-size" or "downsize" the corporation, until the
company starts to lose money because no one is working there
anymore.  Then they rush out to "grow the company" by hiring back
the workers they laid off as consultants - at about three times
the pay they were getting as employees.
     So let's beat them at their own game and get in on the
latest trends, soon to be found in a cubicle near yours:

   - MBC (Management by Concealment)  A new management approach
     to keep the people in charge from being seen, found, or
     observed by customers or employees.

   - MBE (Management by Exception)  A concerted effort to focus
     on the 3-5 % of the things that do not work.  Those with the 
     ability to delegate blame will have considerable success
     with this system.

   - MBRVM (Management by Rear View Mirror)  Gives new meaning to
     the expression: "the use of mirrors."  Use of smoke and
     mirrors is no longer allowed in modern, smoke-free offices.

   - MBP (Management by Placebo)  Management will use devices of
     no intrinsic remedial value to assure all is well. 
     (Especially effective in company "wellness" programs.)

   - TQM  (Total Question Management)  A management method
     borrowed from top-secret U.S. government programs. 
     Management keeps what is really happening such a secret that
     nobody knows what they are producing, for who or why.  Or
     even, whether they are really producing it.

   - JIT  (Junk in Transit)  A production method made possible by
     modern transportation where suppliers produce and ship the
     parts needed just in the nick of time, so management can
     reduce storage and holding costs.  Also allows an entire
     factory to be idled if the U.P.S. driver stops for an extra
     cup of coffee.


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MORALE-ITY PLAY...
---------------
     Call it an example of how some managers think.  
     Concerned about low employee morale, execs at Bank of
America struggled with various proposals on how to make things
better.  Never mind that it is management's emphasis on layoffs
and cost-cutting that has the bank's 160,000 workers so stressed 
out.
     So, what was their plan make employees proud to work for Bank
of America again?
     The bank's workers were encouraged to sign up and "Adopt an
ATM," which they were to help keep clean and trim.  On their own
time.  Using their own cleaning supplies.  At no pay.  Which
would have been great for management because they'd save having
to employ someone to go out to each of the 14,000 machines and
tidy up.  The bank's managers thought that this was just what
would be needed to make the employees feel good about their jobs.
     But when California's state Labor Commissioner Marcy
Saunders heard about it, she had a different reaction -- it's
against the law.  "Voluntary" program, or not, the bank was told
it had to pay for workers to do work.
     Why this came as such a shock to the bank's management is
still unclear.  As is, how they thought being made to work for
free would make employees feel good when working for pay wasn't. 
(Reuters)


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RESUME THE RESUME'...
-----------------
     More quotes from real resumes - these are ones that probably
DIDN'T land the writer a job.  See what you think...


 UNCOVERED COVER LETTERS...

   - "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't
     let them know of my immediate availability."

   - "I intentionally omitted my salary history.  I've made money
     and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor.  I prefer
     being rich."

   - "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no
     one and absolutely nothing."

   - "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

   - "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
     am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
     partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
     that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
     application of more rarefied facets of financial management
     as the major sphere of responsibility."
          [ Now writes tax forms for the government... ]

   - "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
     horse."
          [ Went for the joke.  Didn't make it. ]

   - "I'm married with 9 children.  I don't require prescription
     drugs."
          [ So, what drugs DO you require? ]

   - "Marital Status: Often.  Children: Various."

   - "Marital status: single.  Unmarried.  Unengaged. 
     Uninvolved.  No commitments."
          [ Is there some point you are trying to get
          across? ]

   - "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

   - "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my
     employer does not know I am looking for another job."

   - I am loyal to my employer at all costs...  Please feel free
     to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

   - "My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I have no
     training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
     brokerage."


  REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

   - "Responsibility makes me nervous."

   - "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well
     as cockroaches."

   - "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
          [ I supposed taking that job as a cat 
          herder in Mongolia is out then, right? ]


  MINER TYPINC MISTREAKS:

   - "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
          [ Or, was it the Greg Aweird? ]

   - "Work Experience:  Dealing with customers' conflicts that
     arouse."

   - "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

   - "I'm a rabid typist."

   - "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
     chain operation."

   - "Your requirements match the responsibilities of my present
     job precisely, so I will be glad to do do again."
          [ So, do do that voodoo that you do so
          well... ]


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