Hi again, All!
Hey, did you hear about the bandit that held up a Chinese
restaurant?
Half an hour later he was broke again.
Every so often, when I have the time, I like to sit back and
ponder why some stories are funny and some aren't. Stupid
criminals is one of SUNFUN's most popular features. There is
something fascinating about how even an intellectually challenged
crook could do things so foolishly. Like the recent robbery
where a crook put a twenty dollar bill on the counter of a food
store and asked for change. When the clerk opened the register,
the guy leaned over and grabbed all the money from the register,
then dashed out the door, leaving his twenty behind on the
counter. Unfortunately for our grab-and-run artist, the register
contained only $14.
I have to admit that, on some levels, there is a slight
meanness to these stories. We are laughing at the intellectual
failings of another person. Maybe what makes this alright is
that the subject is an idiotic bad person in the middle of trying
to do harm to others. It seems only appropriate that these wrong
doers damage themselves, almost as if this was a medieval
morality play.
Thanks this week for the friendship and support of: Fumiko
Umino, Laura Hong Li, Jerry Taff, Bernie & Donna Becwar, Carol J.
Becwar, Nnamdi Elleh, Larry Bruch, Beth Butler, Brian Siegl,
Yukari Kawabata, Eva Lu Yu-Hwa, Joshua Brink and all the rest of
you who keep this thing afloat week after week. Thanks to your
contributions, I don't have to turn to sticking up Quickie-Marts
to get my regular fix of silly news.
Have A Great Week,
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REMEMBRANCE OF THINGS PAST...
--------------------------
In our continuing search for the stupidest thing a criminal
could possibly do, we present this little tale from England:
Police raided the home of one criminal and were surprised to
discover that the man had an extensive video library, featuring a
tape onto which he had videotaped the many crimes he and his
colleague had committed, edited together with incidental music
like a wedding video. The two men were arrested for burglary on
videotaped evidence they had provided themselves. (BBC)
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A PHOTO FINISH FOR THE WORLD'S STUPIDEST CAR THIEF...
--------------------------------------------------
What is it with these English guys? British car thief Lee
Hosken was quite proud of his ability to break into cars using a
screwdriver. And, as they say, pride goes before a fall.
And fall Hosken did, when the owner of one recovered vehicle
found a camera that had been in the car when it was stolen.
Police developed the film, which showed a nice picture of the
thief breaking into the car. The photo, taken by Hosken's
girlfriend, was prime evidence in his conviction for auto theft.
"We are very grateful to this man for making his own arrest
so easy. He quite literally put himself in the frame for his own
crime," a police spokesman said. (Reuters)
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HERE'S HOW TO FIND ME
---------------------
Robbery suspect Kenneth Richardson handed a holdup note to a
teller at the First Citizens Bank teller in a Charleston, South
Carolina suburb. The teller quickly complied, and police say
that Richardson then left with $85 in cash. But it didn't take
much detective work to track down the suspect. The note, police
say, was scribbled on a check stub that included his name and
Social Security number.
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ANOTHER POSITIVE I.D.
--------------------
In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid being
identified in the robbery of a 7-Eleven food store. He was
careful to wear a ski mask and use rented car for the getaway.
Police knew who to look for anyway, and arrested the suspect
shortly afterwards. It might have been smarter if the janitor
hadn't been wearing his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods
Apartments" and even had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the
front pocket.
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NOT HIS DAY...
-----------
In Thibodaux, Louisiana, one robber had a Cajun accent so
thick that he couldn't get restaurant clerks to understand his
demand for money.
Frustrated, he pulled out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. So
he grabbed the cash register and ran toward the door. He got
only about three feet before falling down; the register was still
plugged into the wall. Pulling out the plug, he tried again, but
a diner knocked him flat and called police.
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OUT OF ORDER...
------------
A proper crime is like any other process - you start at the
beginning and follow the procedures in order to reach a
successful conclusion.
Which helps to explain the notable lack of success of two
accused bandits from Foster, Rhode Island, Steven Baron and
Andrew Fiore.
Arriving at the mini-mart gas station they intended to rob,
police say the pair tried to make a small purchase, then sprayed
the clerk with tear gas and scooped $157 out of the cash
register. Only then did the two pull their ski masks down over
their faces, with one of the bandits forgetting to take the
cigarette out of his mouth and burning his face. Then they left
the store.
Police know this so accurately because the store's security
cameras got detailed pictures of the whole event. So detailed
that three of the police officers who first saw the tape
immediately recognized both suspects from previous illegal
adventures.
Foster police chief Donald Kettle dubbed the robbery "one of
the stupidest crimes ever committed." (UPI)
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ASSISTING THE POLICE IN THEIR INVESTIGATION...
-------------------------------------------
Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia,
detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and
drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and
face toward the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully looked
at the victim, then blurted out, "Yeah, that's the woman I
robbed."
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THAT SINKING FEELING...
--------------------
Police in Sacramento, California say that Johnny Lew made a
few mistakes in his scheme to commit insurance fraud in the
sinking of his $1.2 million yacht.
The 62-year-old investor had tried to collect on the sinking
of his 56-foot (17-meter) yacht immediately after it disappeared
in international waters off the Golden Gate last August.
Insurance investigators allege that Lew promised two men $50,000
to sink the yacht where it could never be recovered.
The scheme might have worked if the pair Lew hired weren't
undercover insurance investigators, who'd become suspicious of
Lew. They didn't sink the missing yacht, either; it was safely
hidden in dry dock storage. Lew faces charges of insurance
fraud, attempted grand theft, solicitation to commit a crime and
making terrorist threats for telling the undercover agents that
he would kill anyone who divulged the scheme, authorities said.
Lew's previous convictions and the state's three strikes law mean
that he may be facing a very, very long sentence. (Reuters)
[ The boat's OK, but Johnny Lew may be sunk. ]
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EXCUSE ME...
---------
Two car theives in Barnstable, Massachussetts became lost in
the picturesque Cape Cod town shortly after stealing a car there.
So they pulled over and asked local resident Anson Moore for
directions.
Bad move. Officer Moore was immediately suspicious of the
pair and quickly determined that the car they were riding in had
just been stolen. He arrested both men, one of whom was also
wanted on other charges. (AP)
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DISGUISE THE LIMIT...
------------------
A case like this gives tremendous insight into the cloudy,
befuddled logic of the criminal mastermind's addled brain.
A 41-year-old Allentown, Pennsylvania crook had been
identified by his clothing in a previous crime, so he gave it up.
No, not robbing - wearing cothes. He continued to rob
convenience stores while wearing his best disguise, which was
nothing at all.
In the interest of accuracy, I have to point out that he
wasn't technically naked. He WAS wearing underwear. On his
head.
He did this in at least four separate robberies before
police finally brought his reign of naked aggression to a halt.
Generally, cashiers handed over the money before bursting into
laughter as he left. His successful string of robberies was
fairly amazing, considering that the robber did not appear to be
carrying any weapons. Trust me, the clerks could tell.
But naked was not the best disguise. After being caught by
police, Stanley Heiserman admitted his guilt in a plea agreement
that might have him wearing prison clothes for the next 8 to 40
years. (Reuters)
[ We could call this one "Shorts On His Head:
One Robber's Brief Career." ]
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PACKING HIM OFF TO JAIL...
-----------------------
Baggage handlers at the Hartford, Connecticut airport found
that a bag that had broken open in shipment contained far mare
than it could reasonably hold, including nearly 40 pounds of
marijuana wrapped in plasic bags.
Officials crammed everything back into the bag and waited to
see who claimed it.
Enter one Jason Ennis, 21, who had just arrived from
Chicago. Police had an easy time catching up with Ennis, who was
on the floor of the airport gathering up all of the contents of
the suitcase, which had broken open again. (Reuters)
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LET ME MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR...
--------------------------------
It is common practice for convenience store robbers to wear
a mask. While stocking and ski masks remain popular fashions for
felons, many crooks don't seem to have the planning ability to
get mask material ahead of time. They make do with whatever they
can find laying around.
The extreme limit to this has to be the desperate goof who
held up a Circle-K food store in St. Petersburg, Florida. He
simply grabbed a plastic bag outside the store and pulled it over
his head as a disguise. Did I mention that it was a CLEAR
plastic bag? He made off with less than $100 and was caught by
police immediately afterwards.
What did the cops think of his transparent disguise?
"It looked like a big prophylactic down to his waist. Kind
of translucent," said Pinellas County Sheriff's Sergeant Greg
Tita. "We got nice video from the store's camera." (Reuters)
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AN I.Q. OF 80 - FOR THE WHOLE GANG...
----------------------------------
Suspected drug dealer Dwayne Brown was being held in the
Cambridge, Massachussetts jail, but he wasn't worried. Some of
his gang were still out on the street, and he had a plan. He
would simply lower a blanket-rope out the window of his 18th-
floor jail cell to the street below. There, members of his gang
would tie on a gun that Brown could use to threaten the judge at
his next court appearance.
Several things made this silly plot go down the Dwayne:
- There was a ledge several floors below Brown's window that
would have stopped any dangling rope from getting to the
street.
- Jail searches and metal detectors would have found the
pistol long before he got within shooting distance of the
courtroom.
- And, most important, the gang of geniuses had plotted this
while in the visitor's room at the jail, where guards
overheard the whole thing.
Police had no trouble picking up the others on the street
below as they waited for a descending rope. The fact that there
was no traffic on the street outside the jail didn't make the
gang suspicious, either. Police had sealed off the street on the
big night just for the crooks benefit.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS AT WORK...
----------------------------
Police in Milwaukee County had been having trouble with
small-time crooks breaking into cars at an area park-and-ride
parking lot. So they sent a team of Sheriff's Deputies to stake
out the lot.
In a surprisingly short time, the team caught the crooks
red-handed while they were breaking into a car using a
screwdriver and coat hanger.
An unlocked car.
An unlocked car that the two deputies were sitting in.
(Wauwatosa News-Times)
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© 2000 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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