THE SUNFUN FLYING CIRCUS

Flying & Travel Funnies

Hello World Travelers!
     If I am to believe all of the "Out Of Office" responses I've
been getting lately, those of you who didn't travel during the
Christmas holidays seem to be on the road this January.  Or maybe
you are still on the road.  Many of you folks who are already in
the tropics, or south of the equator may not identify with this,
but for us here in the northlands, January is a perfect time to
be somewhere else.  Though this has been a surprisingly mild
winter - at least to start - it is always very pleasant to shake
off winter's cold for a short stretch on some tropical beach. 
Some place where nature isn't making any serious attempts to kill
you, anyway.  Funny how the end of the Christmas and New Year's
holidays make you feel that it would be just fine for winter to
be over.
     As much as I enjoy travelling, it is a more stressful
experience than staying in your own comfortable surroundings at
home.  Long lines, bad food, lost luggage and cramped airplanes
make travel stressful, even for seasoned road warriors.  And some
of these have gotten worse over the past few years.  You get the
definite feeling that airlines would prefer shipping us in a box,
preferably in an unconscious state.  It would be so much cheaper,
and they'd never have to worry about whether you got a window
seat or not.  And they'd avoid having to hand out all those
expensive peanuts.
     Thanks this week to our SUNFUN travelers from around the
world, especially:  Kerry Miller, Fumiko Umino, Anna Macareno,
Jerry Taff, Nnamdi Elleh, Ann Glomski, Carol J. Becwar, Chuck
Maray, Peter J. Adler, Tim McChain, Jim & Beth Butler, Joshua
Brink, Howard Lesniak, Tan Attila, Junji Taniguchi, Cheong Chu-
Ling and Celil Guclu.  I hope that wherever you travel, all of
your adventures are happy ones.
     Have A Great Week!


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THE CHEAPSKATE'S GUIDE TO BARGAIN AIRLINES
------------------------------------------
     Airline deregulation over the past few years has had several
effects.  Maybe the most important is to increase competition and
lower fares.  Of course, this cost cutting has also meant that
airlines dropped food and other services and began packing
airplanes even more full to cut costs.  And the change in market
has also led to more and smaller airline companies, from the
perfectly respectable to some that operate like "Joe's Discount
Airline and Roto-Rooter Service."
     With so many airline problems world-wide, I thought you
could use a quick check-list of things that you should check
before deciding to book passage on a discount-type airline.  Here
are a few things to be watch out for:


   - When making the boarding announcement, the flight attendant
     informs the passengers that the seating arrangement is based
     on the game "musical chairs".

   - As you board the plane, you notice the co-pilot is wearing
     an "I'm with Stupid" T-Shirt.

   - The Captain announces that the flight will be delayed while
     he looks for the keys to the plane.

   - A man in religious clothing walks thru the plane, sprinkles
     all the passengers with holy water, mumbles something in
     Latin and leaves.

   - The navigator is studying a large Exxon road map, and has a
     hiking compass hanging from his belt.

   - Instead of a safety procedure announcement the cabin
     attendant says that anyone lacking faith should leave now.

   - The airline mechanics all wear propeller beanies as part of
     their uniform.

   - The stylish desert-pastel paint job on the plane turns out
     to be primer-yellow and black from hardware store spray
     cans.

   - The Ground Crew is seen using pennies to check tire wear.

   - There are jumper cables are dangling from the cockpit door.

   - A man in dirty coveralls wiping the landing gear struts with
     an oily rag turns out to be the airline's C.E.O.

   - A voice on the P.A. system warns you to keep your heads and
     arms inside the aircraft at all times, while the plane is in
     motion.

   - The stewardess offers coffee, tea or Valium.

   - The air sickness bags have the Lord's Prayer printed on
     them.


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WE KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING FISHY...
---------------------------------
     You knew it had to come to this.  So many folks are getting
into "eco-tourism" now, with the whole swim with the whales
movement.  You knew there would be someone who wouldn't be
content to just swim, right?
     Recently, a jet-skier on the Indian Ocean coast of South
Africa was arrested near the city of Port Elizabeth.  Police
claim that they observed her repeatedly riding her jet-ski
through a school of dolphins.  Such harassment is illegal, and
the 38-year-old woman was charged and released on 1000 Rand bail
($163 USD).  (Reuters)
          [ She claimed it was an accident, but police
          believe she did it on porpoise.  Ouch! ]


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ANATOMICAL DESCRIPTION DEPARTMENT
---------------------------------
     It would be hard to beat the descriptive power of Dolly
Parton, who in 1998 announced that her "Dollywood" theme park
will build a new roller coaster by saying, "This ride has big
features and curves, just like me."


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PUTTING ON THE DOG...
------------------
     Ah, the joys of staying at a fine hotel, especially the
perks of room service...  Evian bottled water.  Special meals
like grilled Alberta T-bone steak or seared tuna filet topped
with caviar.  Even massages are available.
     And that's for the dogs and cats.
     That's right, for the travelling pet who has everything, the
Sutton Place Hotel in Vancouver, British Columbia (Canada) offers
much the same fine service that they offer guests who don't walk
on all four feet.
     "This is the second time I've served a dog," said waiter
David Wang as he presented an elegantly laid-out tray to a
patiently waiting Siberian Husky.
     As the hotel has become popular with more people who come
for extended stays of up to six months, they have offered special
services for the whole family, including the family pet.
     In addition to the special meals, pets who receive room
service are treated to a snack at bedtime -- like
anchovy-flavored popcorn for cats -- a storybook and even a card
with a weather forecast for the next day.
     "It allows them to plan their day," a hotel spokesman
explained with that special look that the hotel staff of fine
hotels get when explaining the unexplainable.
     The perks for pampered pets may sound a little odd, but it
is money-making, since the service starts at C$95 per day. 
(Reuters)
          [ By the way, the hotel did want to stress
          that humans are allowed to stay there, too. ]


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VISIBLE DAMAGE...
--------------
     Early last December in Murfreesboro, Tenneseee, a man
decided that he'd had far too much drink to drive safely.  Though
his friend, Herbert Council had also had a few, he wasn't quite
as drunk.  The only problem with that logic is that Mr. Council
is also legally blind.  There were luckily no injuries when he
piloted the car directly into a tree.


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MURPHY'S LAWS FOR FREQUENT FLYERS
---------------------------------

   - No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late
     and need the delay to make the flight.

   - If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from
     the farthest gate within the terminal.

   - If you arrive very early for a flight, it will always be
     delayed.

   - Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the
     world. 

   - If you must work on your flight, you will experience
     turbulence from the time the wheels leave the ground all the
     way to arrival.

   - Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up
     to go to the lavatory.

   - The crying baby on board any flight is always seated next to
     you.

   - The best-looking member of the opposite sex on your flight
     is never seated next to you.

   - The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft,
     the more passengers will bring aboard.

   - If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has
     the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in
     the boarding area.  Just look for the two huge Sumo
     wrestlers.


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THE UNSUITABLE SUIT SUIT...
------------------------
     The beaches of Rio De Janeiro are famous for their amazing
exposure of flesh and teeny bikinis, but one woman there ended up
suing when things went too far even for the liberal standards of
Rio.
     It seems 23-year-old Thais Camello she bought a rather
revealing red bikini from the Uva Verde clothing store for her
vacation.  All went well until she wore the suit while snorkeling
with friends, who pointed out that the water made her swim suit
more-or-less transparent.
     A Rio judge agreed that the suit did little to maintain the
privacy of the law student's private parts, hitting the store for
$281:  $14 for the suit and $267 in "moral damages."  (Reuters /
Folha de S. Paulo Daily)


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     "Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to
     visit this profitless locality." 
                            - Lt. Joseph Ives after visiting the
                              Grand Canyon in 1861.

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DELAY?  WHAT DELAY?
------------------
     I haven't run into anyone who doesn't hate waiting between
flights at some strange airport far from home.  That downtime
always seems like a waste.  But soon there will be one airport
where men may look forward to long delays.
     A Dutch sex services company announced that they intend to
open a branch brothel at Amsterdam's Schipol Airport some time
this year.  Local authorities seem receptive to the idea, and the
proposed parlor only has to wait for space in the airport's
departure lounge to become available.
     "Passengers will be treated to a luxury welcome with
champagne and caviar and can opt for a relaxing massage," said
spokesman Theo Heuft of Yab Yum brothels.
     Prostitution is legal in liberal Holland and the new - ahh -
facility would be aimed at customers in transit or with long
delays between planes.  (Reuters)
          [ Gives the term "Layover" a whole new
          meaning, doesn't it? ]


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     "There will never be a bigger plane built." 
                            - A Boeing engineer, after the first
                              flight of the 247, a twin engine
                              plane that carried ten people.

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A RUNWAY HIT RECORD...
-------------------
     It may not be exactly the kind of fame that every pop star
wants, but the airport in Glouschester, England has given Tina
Turner a measure of immortality that no other singer has ever
achieved.
     The airport there made a careful study of flight safety
conditions because their landing strips attract a large number of
birds that can interfere with airplanes landing and taking off.
     The airport in western England first tried playing recorded
distress calls through loudspeakers to frighten off the birds,
but it was generally ineffective.  Somehow they hit on the idea
of playing a Tina Turner cassette, and found, to their great
surprise, that the birds departed as soon as they heard her
voice.  (Reuters)
          [ Though no one has yet approached Ms. Turner
          to do an album titled, "For the Birds." ]


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IT FITS, BUT...
------------
     Apparently inspired by the band of the "Titanic," a musician
on the British cruise ship "Ecstasy" bravely kept on performing
when the ship caught fire in July of 1998.  But his performance
might have done more to calm the crowd if he had chosen some song
other than the old Deep Purple tune, "Smoke On The Water." 
(Bristol, England Herald-Courier)
          [ Just the song to give everyone that sinking
          feeling... ]


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