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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #318 - 09/15/2002

IT'S WHAT WE DO...

On The Job With Sunday Funnies

Greetings Fellow Wage Slaves,
     It is a great surprise to many people to discover that
employment - in the modern sense of working for someone - is a
pretty recent development, that only started with the Industrial
Revolution.  Before that, most people were born into their
occupations as they are born into a family name, with no thought
of changing jobs.  If you were the son of a town blacksmith, you
eventually became the town blacksmith.  Things went on this way
in some parts of the world until just after the invention of
business consultants.
     Until quite recently, there were villages in Wales where the
whole town might have only two last names.  It became common
there to attach the person's job title when speaking about them,
to make it clear you were talking about Jones the Police rather
than Jones the Grocer or Jones the Petrol Station.  Obviously,
this is unlikely to be continued into the modern world, now that
job title inflation has pretty much destroyed any clear
connection between job title and the actual work done.  Jones the
e-Supply Chain Process Coordinator?  That'll never happen!
     Curious thing about the modern world is how specialization
has eliminated any connection between the actual work done and
the eventual outcome.  Take a shipyard for example.  In some past
age, a person who worked at the shipyard and constructed ships
was a ship builder.  Try as you might with the help of the modern
ship building company's Human Resources Department, no one in the
entire shipyard has the job title "ship builder."  Electricians,
welders, draftspeople, designers, managers, sure.  But no ship
builders.  Makes you wonder how we ever accomplish anything these
days, doesn't it?
     As customary, now it is part of the job here to acknowledge
the folks who contributed to SUNFUN this week, which certainly
makes my job easier.  Folks to be thanked this week include: 
Brian Siegl, Jerry Taff, Kenn Venit, Joshua Brink, Bruce Gonzo,
Carol J. Becwar, R.J. Tully, Jan Michalski, Charles Beckman and
Tim McChain.  This modern division of labor can certainly be
confusing.  It certainly can be frustrating when trying to figure
out just who is in charge to fix a given problem, since no one
knows the job title of the responsible person.  Not even the
person with the responsibility.  And despite what it says on the
building, there is no general at General Motors - not even a
retired one.  I checked.
     Have A Well-Employed Week,

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START TO RESUME...
---------------
     In a falling job market, it is surprisingly common to find
folks padding their resumes as they fight for the fewer available
positions.
     According to a study in England by The Risk Advisory Group
(TRAG), inaccuracies on applications for British jobs shot up by
20 percent in the last quarter of 2001, with men in their early
30s the most likely to embellish their skills and employment
history.
     One of Europe's largest employee screening firms, TRAG said
that 54 percent of the resumes they screened in the last half of
2001 showed some type of untruth.
     "The sharp rise in the level of discrepancies between June
and the last quarter of 2001 suggests the typical mild
exaggeration of job-seekers developed into something more
sinister as recession fears took hold," said TRAG spokesman
Andrew Fisher.
     Previous employment details and academic qualifications were
areas most frequently fudged by desperate job hunters.  (Reuters)
     [ "But I really DID study advanced physics with Steven
     Hawking and heart surgery with Dr. Michael De Bakey and
     piano with Van Cliburn - that's why I'm perfect for
     this position as janitor... " ]


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BAD THINGS TO LIST ON YOUR RESUME...
---------------------------------
     There are lots of things that look good on resumes - and
lots that don't.  Here are some tips to avoid some of the common
mistakes and things you should leave off your resume:


OVERALL LAYOUT TIPS:

   - A successful resume does not include letters cut out of
     magazines.

   - Best not to mention that this is Page 1 of 69.  (69 is
     pretty cool, though...).

   - Printing your resume on extra thick, odd-size, Electric
     Chartreuse colored paper is not a good idea.

   - "Improving your name isn't likely to be of much help. 
     Contrary to what some believe, employers are not much more
     likely to make an offer to Sir Stephen Smith or Mark
     "Kegsucker" O'Malley.

   - Don't include quotes from Revelations & other apocalyptic
     predictions.

   - Avoid any mention of your bowel habits.

   - Don't sign your name in blood.  Unless you are applying for
     a job at the IRS, that is.

   - Don't include your IQ.  Especially important if it's less
     than your age.


PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: Avoid mentioning ...

   - That you were V.P., Minority Relations at Denny's
     Restaurants.

   - Any hint that you worked as a telemarketer.

   - That you were hairdresser for Don King.

   - "It sucked" as reason why you left your previous position.

   - Your job as a mime in Central Park.

   - That you were a freelance pharmaceutical distributor - but
     got caught.

   - That you were a "Grill Coordinator" for McDonald's
     Corporation.

   - You were a speech-writer for Dan Quayle.

   - That you worked for your mother until she fired you.


ABILITIES & ACHIEVEMENTS: Don't admit that...

   - You were a homecoming queen.  Especially if male.

   - You have memorized all of the words of the "Gilligan's
     Island" theme song.

   - That you might already have won the Publisher's Clearing
     House Sweepstakes.

   - You received the best behaved inmate award.

   - You have good phone manners and include a 1-900-sex-phone
     number as proof.

   - Your appearance on "America's Most Wanted" got high ratings.


REFERENCES: Avoid...

   - Listing World Book, Compton's & Webster as your references.

   - Listing your psychotherapist and parole officer.

   - The pizza delivery guy does not make a good reference.

   - That the prospective employer shouldn't bother calling your
     previous employers because they're all deceased.

   - Listing your alternate personalities as references.


HOBBIES: Make no mention of your hobbies if they are...

   - Downing tequila shots and throwing up.

   - Armed robbery.

   - Cross-dressing and "animal husbandry".

   - Recreational drugs.

   - Creating Crop Circles.

   - Pursuing your fascination with fire.


EDUCATION: Avoid mentioning your education if it includes:

   - Any reference to a correspondence school advertised on late-
     night television.

   - Your PhD in Subspace Physics from Starfleet Academy.

   - That you are a graduate of the Bellview Mental Institution.

   - Your years of training with the Freemen Militia


PERSONAL: Avoid including...

   - Your mug shot.

   - Poetry about your hopes for the new job.

   - That you wrap aluminum foil around your head to block out
     invisible rays.

   - Crayon drawings of your family.

   - That the voices in your head often help you with important
     decisions.

   - A demand for a salary lower than offered.

   - Your astrological sign.

   - A list of your 37 dependents.

   - Any mention of your psychopathic inability to accept
     rejection


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WHERE'S OSHA WHEN YOU REALLY NEED THEM...
--------------------------------------
     Many companies decried the safety rules OSHA demanded in
workplaces when that law came in a couple of decades back, but
working has become undeniably safer since then.  The reason for
such safety rules came into focus again with the story this week
of a worker in a country without any such law, namely the former
Soviet state of Ukraine.
     A scrap metal worker there was cutting up part of the huge
arsenal of rusting weapons left over after the Cold War ended.
     Interfax-Ukraine news agency reported that, in the course of
cutting up an old howitzer, a worker in the central Ukrainian
city of Berdychivhad heated the ex-military the scrap metal. 
Unfortunately for the worker, the darned thing was still loaded
and the heat fired the shell, which flew about 800 yards and
destroyed two roofs.  Outside of mildly burning the scrap worker,
no other injuries were reported.
     The news agency also said the company had paid for repairs
to the roofs but that work at the scrap yard had been stopped
after local prosecutors launched a criminal investigation. 
(Reuters)


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ON HOLD...
-------
     Some things just can't wait.  Others should.
     A Massachusetts doctor put himself in swell shape with his
bosses at the hospital for taking a little break during working
hours to deposit his pay check at a nearby bank.
     Not such a serious infraction you say?  Well, you might not
think so if you were the patient in for delicate spinal surgery
that Dr. David Arndt left on the table for 35 minutes while he
improved his finances.  Fortunately, the patient, who was
anesthetized the entire time, did not suffer any ill effects and
was able to recover in the intensive care unit of Mount Auburn
Hospital.
     Not so lucky was orthopedic surgeon Dr. Arndt, whom the
state board of medicine slammed as "an immediate threat to the
public health, safety and welfare."
     The board suspended Arndt's license to practice medicine in
Massachusetts, though he will have a chance to appeal the
decision.  According to a board investigator, Arndt acknowledged
he had "exercised remarkably horrible judgement" in rushing out
mid-surgery to take care of some outstanding bills when the
operation took longer than planned.  (Reuters)
     [ If reinstated, Dr. Arndt will be handling all
     treatment of ingrown toenails and paper cuts at the
     hospital. ]


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CROSSING THE LINE...
-----------------
     Job responsibilities have becomes quite divided in the
modern workplace, which may help to explain this recent story
from England.
     Local officials there were said to be appalled to discover
the road workers had painted a fresh white line on the side of a
highway right over the furry body of a dead badger.
     Further embarrassing officials, Britain's Sun newspaper
splashed a photo of the badger across half a page, saying the
picture was taken by a passerby who saw it on the side of the
highway in Somerset, southwestern England.
     The freshly-painted white line at the road's edge went right
over the dead animal's back.
     "This is totally unacceptable and we will be asking for an
explanation," the paper quoted a local government spokesman as
saying.  He added that The lines were painted by an independent
contractor.  (Reuters)
     [ The mistake was that the crew included a driver, an
     assistant driver, a painter, two flaggers and a
     supervisor, but no dead badger handler. ]


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SLEEPING YOUR WAY TO THE TOP...
----------------------------
     A German town has found that sleeping on the job, albeit in
limited doses, can boost workers' efficiency.
     For two years, civil servants in the small town of Vechta
southwest of Hamburg, have been allowed 20 minutes after lunch to
go home and take a nap, doze in their office chairs or otherwise
relax, town spokesman Frank Kaethler said.
     "In the beginning employees were skeptical about the
project," he said.  "But then they were happier and they started
working better."
     Kaethler said Vechta started the project because it had too
much work for too few employees and no budget to hire new civil
servants.  A local health insurance company gave them courses on
napping.  [Courses on napping?  Now you know I can't be making
this up!]
     Research by the Institute for Sleep Research and Medicine in
Regensburg found that 22 percent of the overall German population
naps.  But institute head Juergen Zulley said only Vechta
appeared to have implemented a sleeping-on-the-job project.
     "Work and sleep are normally seen as opposites and many
firms don't want it to be said that their employees sleep in
their company," Zulley said. 


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COURTING DISASTER...
-----------------
     Busy people do tend to get wrapped up in their jobs,
sometimes to the point of becoming self-important to the extreme.
     David Williamson, a computer software consultant in San
Antonio, Texas, was miffed to be called for jury duty when he
found that he'd only be compensated $40 per day, plus mileage.
     Williamson, of San Antonio, was called in to be part of the
jury pool for a seven-week trial.  He sent the court an invoice
for $16,800 for "court-ordered professional services for the
entire month of August 2002."
     He also warned officials that the bill would start accruing
interest if not paid by the end of August, saying "If you would
like to meet and discuss this, please have his honor call and
schedule an appointment."
     His honor had other plans.
     "The Court is happy to accommodate Mr. Williamson's
suggestion for an appointment," U.S. District Judge Fred Biery's
faxed response read.  "Mr. Williamson is HEREBY ORDERED TO APPEAR
... to show cause why he should not be held in CONTEMPT OF THE
COURT AND JAILED ACCORDINGLY."
     The judge said Williamson later apologized during the
early-morning hearing and agreed to serve on a jury if needed -
at no extra charge.
     As luck would have it, Williamson drew a low number, and was
not even required to serve.  (AP)


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TRUST THE FORCE...
---------------
     While we are certainly big believers in humor on the job,
there are limits.  The line between deft humorist and scum-
sucking liar can seem awfully thin, sometimes.
     As case in point, I give you the practical-joking manager of
the "Hooters" restaurant in Panama City, Florida, who promised
that the winner of the monthly beer sales contest would "win a
Toyota."
     Among the hard workers vying for the prize was waitress
Jodee Berry, 27, who, as it happened, hustled more suds than
anyone else in the place that month.
     In an big ceremony, she was blindfolded and led out to the
restaurant parking lot, where she was presented with her fabulous
prize: a toy Yoda - the height-challenged, alien Star Wars
character.  In green plastic.  Worth maybe a dollar.
     After the stunt, Berry quit the restaurant and filed a
lawsuit against Gulf Coast Wings, Inc., the restaurant's
corporate owner, alleging breach of contract and fraudulent
misrepresentation.  Restaurant manager Jared Blair claimed the
whole contest was an April Fools' joke.
     Ha-ha.  Some joke, boss.  Is to laugh.
     The court thought so, too.  While forbidden to discuss the
eventual out-of-court settlement, Berry's attorney, David Noll,
said that the ex-waitress can now go to a local car dealership
and "pick out whatever type of Toyota she wants."  (AP)


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© 2002 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.