Greetings Again, Fellow Crimestoppers,
Of all of the recurring features here on SUNFUN, stupid
criminals seems to be one of the more popular. Maybe that's
because it is helpful to see just how dumb criminals can be.
Certainly, there are some very smart crooks, and even the dimmest
of crimelords can be dangerous. But the realization that a fair
number of the criminal element are such bumptious bozos does help
to put things in perspective.
We have, in the past, speculated over the failure to plan
and the rusty workings of the criminal mind that lead to such
easy arrests. It could be that some of these crooks want to be
caught, for their own arcane reasons. Or maybe there really is
such a thing as guilty conscience, that leads to mistakes of such
magnitude that we just have to wonder. There have even been
documented cases of crooks who are so inane that they had no idea
how to accomplish a particular crime. And these aren't exactly
folks known for their library and research skills. In one recent
case, a prospective bank robber proceeded to ask the experts,
which in itself was not all that stupid. I would have suspected
that visiting a few convicted bank bandits in prison might even
have been a reasonably good plan, better than asking the desk
sergeant at the local police station, anyway.
Thanks this week to our crack investigative staff,
especially: Caterina Sukup, Jerry Taff, Brian Siegl, Yasmin
Leischer, Bernie & Donna Becwar, Jan Michalski, Carol J. Becwar,
R.J. Tully, Charles Beckman, Tim McChain, Susan Will, Bruce Gonzo
and Joe Sears. No matter how things change, there will always be
a few people in this world driven by malice and greed. If they
are as stupid as the crooks featured in this week's SUNFUN,
though, we won't have nearly so much to worry about.
Have A Crime-Free Week,
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CROSSING THAT INVISIBLE LINE...
----------------------------
You get the feeling that some of these knucklehead criminals
are not quite clear on the accepted methods of the crime they are
trying to accomplish.
Case in point: the low-I.Q. lingerie smuggler caught by
border guards at the eastern Czech border crossing of Bila-
Bumbalka early last year. Now, the usual way this game is played
is that the criminal will hide the merchandise to be smuggled
somewhere on his person or possessions and the game to find it
begins.
Not in this case. The guards had a vague idea that this yo-
yo was trying to smuggle in a load of women's panties. They
picked up this hint because the male crook's small car was
stuffed from doors to dashboard, with over 1,400 pairs of
knickers crammed into every possible free space. The goal was
apparently to avoid paying import duties on the fancy drawers.
Faced with such brazen criminality, the authorities levied
the maximum fine allowed by law - about 1,000 Czech Crowns ($27).
(Reuters)
[ You get the idea this isn't exactly a high-level
crime? ]
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THE CAR COP...
-----------
The first rule of car theft: it helps to be slightly smarter
than the car you are trying to rob.
In violation of that rule, one David Christopher Lander, who
was arrested early this year after police discovered that he'd
broken into a 1994 Infiniti.
That car happens to come equipped with an anti-theft device
that locks all the doors when the alarm is triggered, which is
design to keep thieves out. Lander, however, somehow triggered
the alarm while already inside the car, then couldn't locate the
button on the driver's door to release the locks. Police arrived
to find the less-than-successful crook attempting to pretend he
wasn't there.
"He was trying to hide, all scrunched down in the back
seat," Alachua County sheriff's spokesman Sgt. Keith Faulk said.
"I guess he thought deputies couldn't see him."
They could, and they relieved Lander of his haul: a pendant
valued at less than $50 and $3.21 in coins taken from the car.
Lander was charged with one count of burglary of a conveyance and
one count of theft. (AP)
[ To avoid jail overcrowding, authorities were
considering just locking Lander in a car. ]
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DUMB - AND THEN SOME...
--------------------
A busy life of crime obviously doesn't leave time for much
socializing, so malefactoring moron Stephen Mitchell, who, police
say, broke into the apartment of a 21-year-old woman, apparently
decided to take advantage of the situation at hand.
Mitchell committed his housebreaking in Cedar Rapids, Iowa
and was surprised to find anyone at home, let alone the lovely
victim. Taken by her beauty, he did what any complete dimwit
would do: he asked her for a date. Just to get rid of him, the
woman gave her phone number.
He later called back, of course, and arranged to meet her at
a local restaurant. The woman didn't show for the date, but the
police did. Mitchell's next date is a court date.
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CANDIDATES FOR THE WORLD'S DUMBEST BANK ROBBER...
----------------------------------------------
In the 1930s, people had a sneaking admiration for bank bold
bandits like Bonnie & Clyde and John Dillinger, despite their
crimes. Since then, bank robbery has slid down the crime scale
until it's become the crime most likely to be perpetrated by a
complete Nimrod. So, here are our candidates for the world's
dumbest bank thief:
- One too many helpings of mama's pasta did in a bank burglar
in Genoa, Italy. Part of a gang that knocked a hole in the
wall of a bank to gain entry, 54-year-old Giovanni Sollami
found that his dimensions were slightly greater than the
hole the rest of the gang had used to enter the bank late at
night. So, did tubby Johnnie wait patiently as a lookout,
keeping an eye out for the cops? Nope. He walked around
and banged on the front door yelling for his companions to
let him in. Security cameras got a nice shot of the noisy
burglar and he was quickly identified and jailed, along with
his pals. (Reuters)
- A 47-year-old bank robber in Halmstad, Sweden, who walked up
to the counter at a postal bank, told the teller he was
armed and demanded a bag of cash. He also ordered that 350
million crowns ($37.2 million) be transferred to his savings
account, to which he helpfully provided the number.
Naturally, police had no serious difficulty locating the
bean-brained bandit. (Reuters) [ A surprisingly similar
incident in France was in "SO DUMB, IT'S CRIMINAL!," SUNFUN
#252 on 06/10/2001. ]
- Also easy to find: attempted bank robbery suspect Kenneth
Richardson, 40, of North Charleston, South Carolina. He
handed the teller a note demanding cash. He got the money
and fled, leaving behind the note, which was written on a
check stub that gave his name, address, social security
number and bank account. The $85 take from the crime would
leave him just $299,915 short of making bail. (AP)
- After robbing a bank teller of 300,000 euros ($296,000) in
the Greek village of Tymbaki on the island of Crete, half of
a gang of bandits tried to blend in with the tourist crowd.
Demonstrating that they were cretins as well as Cretins, the
gang managed to be spotted before the theft as they put on
ski masks, so police arrived while two of the gang were
trying to change into swim suits in a bid to portray
themselves as innocent tourists. "They were caught with
their pants down," a droll police spokesman told reporters.
(Reuters)
- A team of bank robbers in Sacramento, California might still
be pulling jobs if their getaway car wasn't dirty. After 15
successful crimes where one would act as getaway driver
while the other would do the stickup, time finally caught up
with the pair. One crook went in to pull another bank job.
Since his friend was running an errand, the getaway driver
figured it would be a swell time for him to get some things
done, too, so he drove over and got in line at the car wash
across the street. Police arrived while the pair was still
waiting for their getaway car to clear the wax rack.
- It looked like bank bandit Dennis O'Leary was home free for
a while there. He held up a bank in Philadelphia, and
stuffed the proceeds in his pants pocket before running off.
But he didn't get far before he started to attract a fair
amount of unwanted attention. After all, it is hard to
remain anonymous in a crowd when your pants are on fire.
Billowing red smoke from the dye packets in the cash,
O'Leary tried to run for it, but was grabbed by maintenance
workers and held for police.
- The Japanese are know worldwide for their politeness, and
that even extends to crime. Why, when a bandit marched into
a bank in Tsu, Japan and demanded cash, the teller and
several employees invited him back to the main vault where
the really big money was kept. They were even helpful
enough to open the vault door for him. They also politely
closed it as soon as he was inside, where the holdup man
could wait in perfect safety for the police to show up.
- Using your thumb and forefinger to simulate a gun in your
pocket is one of the oldest dodges around for your basic
desperate felon. That's just the trick gunless bandito
Richard King tried when he attempted to rob a Bank of
America branch in Modesto, California. Things actually went
pretty well until Dickie decided to gesture dramatically at
the teller with his "gun" hand, pulling it out of his
pocket. Seeing that the boneheaded bandit was no threat,
the teller just walked away. After a time trying to get
someone's attention, King eventually got tired of waiting
around and sauntered out the front door, right into the
waiting police.
- If you are going into a life of crime, it kind of helps to
plan things through. That was apparently 54-year-old Edmond
Alexander's problem when he successfully stuck up a U.S.
Bank branch office in Longview, Washington. Sgt. Ed Jones
of the Longview police saw Alexander just moments later,
peacefully sitting on a park bench less than 300 feet from
the police station and drinking a beer. The casual holdup
man apparently took his ill-gotten gains from the bank
across the street to the local Minute Mart and bought a
brew, then sat down in the park to assess the situation.
Sgt. Jones simply hiked over and collared Alexander, who
still had all the money on him, minus the cost of the beer
and a tip. (ABC)
- Passing bad checks is a common way for a crook to transfer
some of the bank's wealth to himself, and it is often
surprisingly successful. Unless the criminal is a complete
moron, that is. In that category is small-time forger
Curtis L. Biggins of Norfolk, Nebraska, who bought a check
printing program at OfficeMax with the intend of getting a
little of the green stuff for himself. Rolling out a
neatly-printed forgery, he took his rubber check over to the
drive-thru window at Bank of Norfolk last May. Rather dim-
looking and unshaven, Biggins might have trouble cashing a
legit check for $200 on his best day, let alone one for a
fair chunk of the national debt. Biggins had presented a
check for $22 million, made out in his name. After making a
copy of the check and Biggins driver's license, the teller
refused to cash or deposit the bogus check, pointing out
that there was no bank name on it. Biggins drove off, then
returned a short while later, now with the name "Reality
Perspective Bank" hand-printed on the check and complete
with a "bank" address the same as Biggin's own, right down
to the apartment number. He's in jail.
- Our award winner? I has to be the crazed crook from Gallup,
New Mexico who did just about everything possible wrong in
committing a simple bank holdup. He had a very poor and
suspicious disguise: a dirty old raincoat with the collar
turned up and a pollen mask. Pollen being pretty uncommon
in New Mexico, that _would_ certainly attract unwarranted
attention. He carried no weapon. And he only had a rolled
up old trash bag for the loot, too. But even with all that
going against him, he might have gotten away with some money
- if he had tried to rob the place when it was open. He was
standing outside the bank in his robber getup, banging on
the doors to get in when a late-working bank manager inside
heard the noise and called the cops.
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OOPS!
----
Timing is everything in the successful crime.
One guilty of incredibly bad timing was the crook in Ogden,
Utah who snatched some jewelry from a street vendor in the resort
town.
Normally a pretty straightforward crime, this time it was
complicated by the fact that there was a convention of motorcycle
police in town, several of whom were washing their bikes nearby.
The officers heard the vendor's cries for help, and jumped on
their steeds, giving chase. In short order, the fleeing criminal
was surrounded by motorcycle police officers. Lots and lots of
motorcycle police officers. More than he knew existed. He's in
jail.
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IT'S THE ECONOMY, STUPID!
------------------------
A group of criminals in Santiago, Chile had a grand plan to
make themselves very wealthy: they would take advantage of the
unstable economic situation in Argentina by counterfeiting a
large number of phony bank notes.
Economy 1, Crooks 0. By the time they put their plan into
action, the Argentine peso had dropped so much that the crooks
were spending more on ink and paper than the bogus bills were
worth. Acting on a tip, the cops busted the counterfeiting ring
- and saved the crooks from complete financial ruin in the
process.
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MORE MUSICAL MAYHEM...
-------------------
Rock bands have tried all sorts of promotions to get
themselves noticed over the years, from distinctive makeup like
Kiss and Alice Cooper, down to handouts and record signings.
One we haven't heard of previously is the felonious variety
practiced by one member of the Brazilian rock group ACC - a
Portuguese acronym for "Beyond the Gray Sky." Police say that
the band's 27-year-old vocalist, Marcus Vinicius dos Santos, took
promotion into his own hands by storming into a radio station in
Porto Alegre and forcing disc jockey Marcio Paz to play their
album, "Phases of Life."
The five-member band portrays itself on its Web site as
futuristic superheroes living in a post-apocalyptic world, with
Vincicius dos Santos going by the name "Cram" and wearing black
eye makeup. Apparently believing way too much of their fantasy
back story, the invasion was also reminiscent of a 1994 Hollywood
movie called "Airheads," in which dimwitted members of a rejected
rock band hijack a radio station to air their songs.
This incident ended peacefully in just over an hour when
Vinicius dos Santos surrendered to police, who had evacuated the
building. (Reuters)
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THAT WINNER'S A LOSER...
---------------------
Andrew Collin of London, England stole a woman's bank debit
card. Finding himself with some unexpected "free money," he
proceeded to drop by a local bookmaker and used the stolen card
to put down a few quid on the races. No slouch when it comes to
picking the ponies, Collin won a couple of bets totalling $450.
But, since he didn't have proper identification, the
bookmaker wouldn't give him cash, putting the winnings on the
bank card instead.
Noting the unusual activity on the card, the woman's bank
quickly froze the card, resulting in Collin's arrest when he
tried to use it a short time later to do a little shopping. He's
in jail and his victim is $450 ahead.
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© 2002 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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