Howdy Friends,
I was never much of an Elvis fan, probably as a result of
being a teenager a little late for the singing, swinging Elvis.
The Elvis I knew was the chubby guy who made progressively worse
movies that were released about every other Tuesday. The one who
got to look and act like more of a wreck as he went along,
probably as a result of combination of drugs, booze and peanut-
butter-and-banana sandwiches, even forgetting the words of his
own hits.
But I will say that I now have a better appreciation of the
guy's talent, as a result of a small bit I heard on the radio
this morning. It was a clip from National Public Radio's "The
Annoying Music Show", which this week features songs done by
Elvis imitators. Wow, did they stink! Most annoying of all was
a Pakistani guy who records under the stage name "Piranha Man"
and has an Urdu accent thicker than plum chutney. His voice is
so bad that several states have made it illegal for him to sing
to himself in the shower. His version of "My Way" was so off-key
that it would have embarrassed a drunken sailor on karaoke night.
I found myself wondering, "just how far off key could someone
sing without actually being back in some key or another?" But
I'd rather not do the research, thanks.
Besides the fact that it filled a good four column inches
and was reasonably funny, I bring this up because the topic this
week is the stuff that happens. With that story, I came to the
shocking conclusion that it was exactly 25 years ago that the
King joined the choir. (And we know conclusively now that Elvis
IS dead. If he wasn't before, Piranha Man's "My Way" would have
killed him, anyway). The King's death was only one more story in
the passing parade, read and half-forgotten years ago.
It is further proof that life is inherently unfair, or Elvis
would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
And I can't shake the feeling that we'd all be better off.
Except for the faux-Elvii, I mean.
We hear so many news items every week, and how many of them
really stay with us? But the weekly news still makes fun
reading. You just never know what's coming next. Better that
way, I think, except - now and again - it would be nice to know
when to duck.
Special SUNFUN Thanks go out this week to: Jerry Taff, R. J.
Tully, Kerry Miller, Bernie & Donna Becwar, Carol J. Becwar,
Brian Siegl, Tim McChain, Jan Michalski, Charles Beckman, Paul M.
Weyrich, The Petersons, Yasmin Leischer, Kenn Venit, Don
Leistikow, Bruce Gonzo and Susan Will. Thanks to all of our
regular friends and contributors, and even our irregular friend
and contributor. I trust you know who you are.
Have An Al Fresco Week,
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GOOD EXCUSE...
-----------
When we did excuses last week, we didn't know about this
one: Seems there are some kids in Texas that have the ideal
excuse for not going back to school.
Alligators.
But unlike the strictly legendary alligators of the New York
City sewers, these guys are the real thing. Unnoticed by school
officials over the long summer break, beavers dammed up a stream
near A. Maceo Smith High School near Dallas, Texas. This, added
to the heavy rains the area had this summer, created a 15-acre (6
hectare) swamp that became home to two, four-to-six-foot (130-
190cm) alligators, along with: raccoons; possums; poisonous
snakes and at least one bobcat. And, the beavers, of course.
Confronted with nature gone amuck, Principal Dwain Govan
called animal control officers to remove the alligators from the
school's back yard.
"We have asked the city to put up some fencing to make sure
that the alligators do not come up on to our practice fields," he
said. (Reuters)
[ Need a new missing homework excuse? "The
alligators ate it." ]
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"Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote
learning, why don't they pass a constitutional
amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything?
If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in
five years we would have the smartest race of people on
earth."
- American humorist Will Rogers
(1879-1935)
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AN OLD (AIR) PORT IN A STORM DEPARTMENT...
---------------------------------------
British screen star Jeremy Irons has revealed some shining
new talents during a lengthy flight delay at Shannon Airport in
southwest Ireland.
Upset by the sight of beer-soaked tables and overflowing
ashtrays in an airport lounge, the Oscar-winning star grabbed a
cleaner's cart and dust rag and started mopping up the mess, much
to the surprise of fellow passengers.
"I had done enough reading and I looked around me and the
place was a tip so I decided to clean up," Irons was quoted as
saying. "I find being diverted at airports quite depressing and
I felt much better after cleaning up."
Irons was en route to his castle in Cork, southern Ireland,
when his plane was diverted to Shannon. (Reuters)
[ And if this film thing doesn't work out, maybe he'll
have something to fall back on... ]
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"I say we scrap the current system and replace it with
a system wherein you add your name to the bottom of a
list, and then you send some money to the person at the
top of the list, and then you... Oh, wait, that _is_
our current system."
- Dave Barry, on Social Security
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THEY'LL DO IT EVERY TIME...
------------------------
It never fails... You get a president-for-life and he
starts doing wacky stuff. We Americans sometimes don't realize
how well-off we are to lose a president at least every eight
years.
President Saparmurat Niyazov of Turkmenistan, after whom
cities, airports and even a meteorite have been named, has
proposed a new honor for himself -- the month of January will now
bear his name. This may have been done because saying his name
ten times fast is a reasonable substitute for dental floss.
Fortunately, the name change is not here, just there in
Turkmenistan, thank goodness.
Surprisingly, this isn't the first time something like this
has been tried. Of course, there were the ancient Roman Caesars,
who grabbed a couple of the best vacation months for themselves.
But even during the French Revolution, the ravenous crowds were
anxious to toss any signs of the past, so they dumped the
traditional calendar names for all new ones, leading to a decade
or so of missed dentist's appointments.
But back to Niyazov, who is officially known as
Turkmenbashi, or Head of all the Turkmen. He usually prefers to
be known as Turkmenbashi the Great, which is also not such a
surprise.
Anyway, the old turkey proposed that January be renamed
Turkmenbashi at a meeting of the People's Council, the country's
highest consultative body. Other months are to be given names
such as "The Flag," "Independence" and "Rukhnama," the title of a
quasi-religious spiritual guide written by Niyazov and published
last year. Names of national heroes and poets will also be used.
Turkmenistan uses a standard twelve-month calendar, so
visitors are well-advised to bring their own, until this thing
blows over. When? The People's Council, broadcast live last
week on state television (which carries a golden silhouette of
Niyazov at all times), firmly rejected any idea that their prez
should step down, as delegate after delegate insisted they wanted
him to stay in power until he died. (Reuters)
[ You realize, of course, that we could have the month
of "Bush" if this craze gets popular, don't you? ]
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THEY DRUG IT OUT OF ME...
----------------------
As drug makers go further and further out in naming their
thousands of products, it was perhaps inevitable that they'd
start using names that are already assigned. Got this Thursday
from one of our friends:
"It has come to my attention that there exists a birth
control pill with my name on it - literally. If you don't
believe me, check www.yasmin.com. My co-workers and I have been
having some fun with this, but the best part is some of the
promotional lines I've found on the website:
"'On this site, you'll learn what's different about
YASMIN. (All on one site?!?)'
"' - Only YASMIN offers: Impressive experience (great
on my resume!)'
"' - How can you be sure YASMIN is safe for you?
Consult your doctor. (I'm NOT!)'
"' - What drugs could interfere with YASMIN? (None
would dare.)'
"' - Please read this leaflet carefully before you
start using YASMIN. (It will simply say
'Don't!')'
"' - Talk to your doctor about YASMIN. (but watch what
you say!)'
"And my favorite:
"' - YASMIN. The difference a little chemistry can
make.'
"I intend to find out who came up with the name, and to
point out that they owe me a few T-shirts and posters or
something.
"Whatever I did in a past life to deserve this, I hope it
was fun. Too bad I can't remember it, to comfort me as I sit in
my gynecologist's waiting room and hear, "YASMIN gives me
migraines." "I got pregnant while using YASMIN." "YASMIN gives
me blood clots." "I get these weird side effects from YASMIN."
(Yeah, that's what all my dates tell me).
"Now I get to look forward to the day some not-so-bright
woman hears my name, assumes I have something to do with this
product, and proceeds to give me details about her sex life I
most emphatically do NOT want to hear. Everyone needs something
to look forward to. Some people have vacations, and I have this.
I really feel special. This has done wonders for my self-esteem!
And now don't YOU feel special for knowing me?"
- Yasmin (Special, but NOT a
registered trade mark.)
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JUST A FEW FEET OFF...
-------------------
In Cleveland's transit agency, each of the agency's 1,400
employees gets a $450 yearly uniform allowance and can use part
of it to buy work shoes.
Only one small problem with this... An audit recently
turned up the suspicion that employees used part of their uniform
allowance to buy $49,425 worth of shoes for other people.
A total of 587 "questionable and inappropriate" shoe
purchases were made by 179 transit employees over four years,
according to an audit released this week. One employee bought
six pairs of shoes in five different sizes on the same day.
The Greater Cleveland Regional Transit Authority is
demanding repayment from the union that runs the shoe and uniform
program. A spokesman for the Amalgamated Transit Union Local 268
said the figure was inaccurate.
RTA general manager Joe Calabrese said employees will now be
able to buy only one pair of shoes every three months. (AP)
[ ... Or, you'll get the boot. ]
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POSITION OPEN...
-------------
Thinking of changing careers are you? Well, there is one
position that's opened up recently in England - a job of a sort
that doesn't come about every day. Maybe not since the last
century.
A newspaper advertisement offered a job at the stately
Shugborough Home in Staffordshire, central England, has prompted
a flood of replies from men eager to ditch stressed-out modern
life.
The open position is for the job of hermit.
"There have been a few hermits in Britain since their heyday
but they've usually just been recluses and loners. This is the
first time the job of a resident hermit has been advertised in
more than 250 years," organizer Corinne Caddy said.
The successful applicant will be expected to live in a cave
on the grounds of the estate and abandon human contact, except
for scaring visitors now and then - and will probably have to
give up shaving and bathing as well.
Artist Anna Douglas, who came up with the idea to highlight
National Heritage Week, told the paper that it had been very
fashionable in the 18th century to have a hermit living in a
remote corner of an estate. Hermits were always men and were
paid handsomely in return for being tied to a five-year contract.
"[We] have been stunned by the number of applications we
have received. It seems there are lots of people out there who
just want to be a professional hermit," she said. (Reuters)
[ Makes you wonder what Herman has been up to these
decades, doesn't it? ]
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CONTINUING COVERAGE...
-------------------
You can't fight city hall in a tiny town on the California-
Oregon border. You can't even get in.
Officials in Tulelake have locked it up tight after losing
their liability coverage because of post-Sept. 11 fallout in the
insurance industry. The city has been told insurers are
unwilling to provide coverage because the state won't allow them
to exclude acts of terrorism.
This, despite the fact that Tulelake has never been much of
a target.
For now, the three police officers in the one-stoplight town
have stopped patrolling and public works vehicles have been
pulled off the road. But water and sewers are still operating.
The city is scrambling to get into one of the existing pools
of self-insured small cities. That process that could take
anywhere from two weeks to two months. (AP)
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SHOW ME A SIGN...
--------------
When a bill is passed by a state legislature, it is up to
the governor to sign it or veto it. That was the choice facing
Gov. Bob Holden of Missouri last week.
Ever have one of those days?
Well, someone did. Holden's staff accidentally included two
bills into law that the Gov intended to veto.
Bad move. He signed them.
One of the bills relaxed standards for out-of-state physical
therapists, which Holden said was unfair to those in Missouri.
The other bill set an effective date on bills that become law
after the Legislature overrides a governor's veto.
Those documents were received by Secretary of State Matt
Blunt's office July 10 to be archived as state law. He caught
the error, and, the next day, Holden informed the governor of the
mistake.
No problem, they said. The documents were returned to
Holden, who vetoed the bills July 12, the last business day
before the deadline to veto legislation.
Unfortunately, under the Missouri Constitution, "If a bill
be approved by the governor it shall become law." Holden's
office contends that approval does not mean signature.
Ken Warren, a political scientist and constitutional expert
at Saint Louis University, said he was shocked by what he called
a clearly unconstitutional situation.
"It's highly questionable whether a governor can renege on a
bill once he signs it into law," Warren said. "It sounds like
they are granting him a courtesy, and maybe they can get away
with it."
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"Mark Twain famously noted that those who are
interested in the law or sausage should never watch
either made. In the years since he made the remark,
there has been considerable reform -- in sausage
making."
- Dennis E. Powell
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KISS & TELL?
-----------
According to police in Christiansburg, Viginia, kissing and
driving don't mix. A Roanoke man learned that lesson the hard
way...
While the unnamed man was attempting to kiss the passenger
of the car he was driving, the vehicle went off the left shoulder
of Interstate 81, hit a traffic sign and overturned.
The driver wasn't hurt, but the woman he was kissing was
treated at a hospital for bumps and bruises.
The man was charged with driving under the influence, to no
one's great surprise. (AP)
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A SUMMER TRIP-UP...
----------------
Britishers Emma Nunn and Raoul Sebastian really wanted to
visit Australia, after hearing about the wonders of Sydney. And
they saved lots of money booking their flights themselves online.
It was only after they finally arrived in Sydney after the
long flight that it dawned on them that something was slightly
wrong.
They were in Sydney, alright. Sunny Sydney, Nova Scotia in
northeast Canada, population 26,083.
"I thought, 'Oh my gosh, we're in Canada!'" 19-year-old Emma
said.
They hadn't realized anything was wrong when they boarded an
Air Canada plane at London's Heathrow Airport because that
airline does fly to Australia, a London paper quoted them as
saying.
But in the best British spirit, the two are enjoying
themselves anyway for a week in the small industrial town on the
coast of Cape Breton Island.
"He's in heaven with the cars and seafood," Nunn said,
looking fondly at Sebastian.
"Definitely," he confirmed. (AP)
[ Next year, they plan to go to Cairo. So, those of
you in Southern Illinois should keep an eye out for
them. ]
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© 2002 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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