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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #314 - 08/19/2002

MY LIFE AS A LOONY BIN

"'Twas Madness, She Chortled... "

Greetings SUNFUNers',
     Life is certainly crazy these days.  Everyone seems to agree
with that statement.  What that truism ignores, though, is that
life has probably ALWAYS been pretty crazy.  I mean, we used to
have the president chasing his mistress around the White House
while trying to convince the Secret Service to keep it quiet. 
But enough about the Harding Administration.
     Way back when, there was the Roman Empire, which was ruled
by a long series of sanity-challenged individuals.  Of course,
there being no psychiatrists in those days, we are forced to
judge them solely on their actions.  On this empirical evidence,
Caligula was pretty bent, even by the tolerant standards of the
time.  For one thing, he appointed his horse, Incitatus, to the
positions of priest and consul - thereby establishing precedent
for all of the horsing around in politics and religion that's
gone on ever since.  And what about that whole nutty stuff with
Marty Luther and the Reformation?  He gets in trouble for tacking
up a notice on the church door, and then tries to fix his
problems with a Diet of Worms.  One thing is pretty certain: I'm
sure he lost lots of weight.
     Face it folks - in the million or so years since our distant
ancestors started walking upright, there hasn't been more than 27
days when the world wasn't crazy.  Perhaps then, we need to
redefine our terms.  Maybe it was those 27 days that were odd,
and not the rest of the time.  Which would make nuttiness
normalcy and vice-versa.
     That said, it is clear that some folks run a little closer
to the eccentric edge than the rest of us.  They may be just a
little crazy, like poets, artists or some of those folks in
Washington.  Or, the cheese may have slipped off their cracker
completely, like psychotics, fanatics and some of those folks in
Washington.  This has long been the basis for high drama and low
comedy, namely: who's nuts and who isn't.  The answer often
surprises us in the end.
     Folks we are pretty sure of include our friends and
supporters:  Jerry Taff, Bob Martens, Caterina Sukup, Jan
Michalski, Carol Becwar, Susan Will, Donna & Bernie Becwar,
Charles Backman, Tim McChain, R.J. Tully, Brian Siegl, Don
Leistikow, Yasmin Leischer and Larry Sakar.  Thanks to all of our
contributors and supporters for all of your help over the years. 
And this SUNFUN marks the start of year seven of slinging these
silly things your way every week.  Thanks to all of you for
helping my sanity!
     The most interesting answer to the dilemma of picking the
functional folks from the true looneytunes is a study done some
years back where certifiably sane people were placed in mental
hospitals to check on conditions.  In all cases, neither the
doctors nor the hospital staff ever figured out who these fake
patients were, not even when they were told there would be
pseudo-psychotics trying to trick them.  But the nut ward
patients picked out the ringers immediately.  From this we can
determine that only the insane are qualified to judge sanity.
     See, I told you the world has always been crazy, but you
didn't quite believe me.
     Have A Great Week,

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NO BRAIN SURGEON...
----------------
     Police in Fayoum, Egypt arrested a man last week for
practicing medicine without a license.  A common enough charge,
except this nut was arrested for doing unauthorized brain surgery
on around 200 patients.
     The 40-year-old amateur surgeon charged only 22 Egyptian
pounds (just under 5 bucks) per patient.  That may be about the
right value, as police determined that the fake doc had forged a
secondary school certificate and documents claiming that he
studied brain surgery in Cairo and Germany.  In fact, he had only
a primary school education.  (Reuters)
     [ It was his use of the Black & Decker cordless drill
     that gave him away... ]


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GOT MILK?
--------
     You probably didn't hear about the world record that was
broken in Berkeley, California on August 3rd, right?  Actually,
it was one of the more unusual of world records - the record for
simultaneous suckling.
     For what?
     For moms feeding babies, we mean.  The number to beat was
767 set by a group of mothers in South Australia in late July.
     With "one, two, three and latch!" the auditorium at the
Berkeley Community Theater fell suddenly silent as mothers and
babies swung into action.
     Organizers said they had at least 1,128 nursing mothers and
expected that total to rise as they verified cases where moms
with twins hadn't been given double credit.  The totals were to
be submitted to Guinness World Records.
     As the event ended, organizers promised the cheering women
that next year they'd try again -  in the much bigger Oakland
Coliseum.  (AP)
          [ Talk about giving a record try your
          personal breast! ]


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THE EXORCIST 3: SCORE AGAINST SATAN...
-----------------------------------
     No, it's not the title of an upcoming movie.  But it could
be a headline for what happened at stadium of the struggling
Oxford soccer team late last year.
     Having tried everything else they could think of, team
managers invited the Right Reverend Richard Harries, the bishop
of Oxford, performed a special blessing at Oxford United's new
Kassam Stadium to remove evil spirits in the hope of improving
the soccer squads's dismal performance.
     "We don't actually call it exorcism these days, we call it
the ministry of deliverance from evil,"  the bishop said.  "It
was a serious prayer for God to bless the ground, including that
(it) might be freed from evil.  If any evil of any kind is
around, obviously we are praying that it no longer be there."
     Gypsies had lived on the site until they were moved to make
way for the 15 million pound ($22 million) stadium, and it was
rumored that they had put a curse on the ground.
     The Oxford team had moved to the new stadium at the start of
the season but suffered a diabolical time in the first few
months, winning just four games, leaving the team in 19th place.
     Just after the bishop's intervention, though, the team's
fortunes started to improve, with a 2-2 draw at home against York
City.  (Reuters)
          [ On hearing this, the Chicago Cubs started
          discussions with the Archbishop of Chicago to
          make a visit to Wrigley Field. ]


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A REAL LATIN BEAT...
-----------------
     The world turns around a few times and it gets so you can
hardly recognize it.
     Heavy metal rocker Ozzy Osbourne, once known best as a
serial bat biter, now shows up on TV as the star of a reality
show based on his family.  Even stranger, now we hear that his
old band, Black Sabbath, has been rediscovered - in the ex-Soviet
republic of Estonia, of all places.
     You might expect that, with the differences in time and
culture and all, the Estonians might listen to that old heavy
metal music and get something different out of it.  Boy, did they
ever...
     "If you take away the massive wall of sound from many
Sabbath songs, what you have is pure 14th century music," record
producer Mihkel Raud claims.  "Really."
     To prove the point, Raud's recording company has done what
might be the oddest cover versions of Black Sabbath songs ever
done.  For one thing, the songs are done very slowly, by a
quintet of musicians playing instruments that fit the 14th-
century motif.  And all the vocals are sung in medieval Latin.
     The 12-track album - called "Sabbatum," Latin for "sabbath"
- includes "Wheels of Confusion" ("Rotae Confusionis") and "War
Pigs" ("Verres Militares") in slow, minimalist versions that
wouldn't seem out of place at mass in the Sistine Chapel.
     Music publishers who owned the rights to Black Sabbath songs
granted permission for them to be recorded by Raud, he said.
     "People said we were crazy, sure," he admits.  "But that's
part of the beauty of the thing."
     Some 1,200 CDs have been sold, mainly to U.S. buyers via the
Internet since the album was released in March, Raud said.  (AP)


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LETTUCE ENTERTAIN YOU...
---------------------
     The animal rights group PETA sure knows how to get
attention.
     Organizing a protest in Berlin, the group enlisted model and
former "Baywatch" star Traci Bingham, who marched down  the
famous Kurfuerstendamm shopping street in the German capital with
a hoard of reporters and entered a well-known steak restaurant
where she tried to order a vegetarian meal.  The restaurant
sponsored a meat industry congress in Berlin this year.  The
manager asked Bingham - and the reporters - to leave.
     All this commotion stopped traffic, of course.  The fact
that the former Playboy model was wearing nothing but a bikini
made of lettuce certainly helped attract attention, too.
     "I love to wear lettuce because I don't like to wear fur,"
explained 34-year-old Bingham, logically.  (Reuters)
          [ I'll give her this, as a Playboy model and
          "Baywatch" gal, she certainly knows what it's
          like to be treated like a hunk of meat... ]


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GETTING TO THE (ROTO) ROOT OF THE PROBLEM DEPARTMENT...
----------------------------------------------------
     You'd be surprised the odd things that turn up in the mail
here at SUNFUN Central.  Or, maybe you wouldn't, particularly if
you've been reading along for some time.  Nevertheless, one of
the more unusual bits of data to float our way recently was a
study released by the Roto-Rooter Corporation.  That famous group
of plumber's friends surveys its members every year to get a feel
for what's getting stuck down America's drains.
     Not surprising, given the company's name, tree roots are the
most common obstruction.
     Which you have to figure is pretty tame compared to an 7-
foot (2.2 meter) boa constrictor or an 8-foot (2.4 meter)
rattlesnake in the drain.  Talk about a self-coiling plumbing
snake!
     Some of the survey items boggle the mind as well as the
drain.  How do you suppose someone was able to flush a complete
bedspread down a household toilet?  Women's lingerie, sure, even
long underwear (two sets) or assorted automobile parts, all of
which turned up elsewhere.  But a bedspread?
     The report is a little shy about the animal problems,
possibly for fear of getting in trouble with PETA.  So there were
no details about the roto-rootings of three pigs, three possums
or three skunks.  Neither were there any specifics about which
sewer technician found the piranha or how many fingers he still
has left.
     One Roto-Rooter operative in Fort Collins, Colorado, was
unclogging a 4-in (10cm) drain line from a pond to a nearby
stream when he bagged a 2.5 lb (1.1kg) trout right through the
gills with his power snake.
     "And I don't think he had a licence," said his boss.
     Some things you expect to go down the drain, like contact
lenses and toothbrushes.  But the survey also uprooted 20 sets of
false teeth, a complete six-pack of Budweiser and, in one
department store toilet, 14 pairs of extra-large men's briefs. 
While you try to figure that one out, consider that one Rootarian
found an eight ball from a pool table, and another found 30 golf
balls in one pipe.
     And once in a while, things go down that drain that
should...  like a Barney doll, someone's beeper/pager, a
television remote, and an alarm clock.  And yes, before you bring
up John Cameron Swayze, at least one Rootarian unflushed a Timex
watch last year.  Still ticking, of course.  Personal items,
everything from keys to sex toys - comprise 65% of all
drain-clogging things found by Roto-Rooter folks.
     The most upscale personal items down the drain last year
were a Rolex watch and a $4,000 diamond.


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A CYCLE OF OBTUSE...
-----------------
     Will Rogers said once that "everything is funny, so long as
it's happening to someone else."
     I have to confess, lately I've been feeling that way about
Turkmenistan.  For those of us who find humor in the news, that
piddly, oil-soaked, ex-Soviet chunk of dirt is a gift.  Sure,
someday Saparmurat Niyazov, the nut case running the strange
little country, will go too far and cause lots of grief, but for
now, he's a hoot to watch at this distance.
     Last week, we featured the story that he's been re-naming
months in the calendar for himself.  No sooner did we get that
done and he makes an official proclamation to abolish old age in
Turkmenistan.
     How he manages this is a real insight.  Saparmurat Niyazov's
edict, published in the national newspaper "Neutral
Turkmenistan," divides life into 12-year cycles.  According to
the edict, childhood lasts until age 12.  Next comes adolescence
which will not last to age 25.  Turkmen aged between 25 and 37
are considered youthful, while those aged between 27 and 49 years
are mature.  The next 12-year cycles are divided into periods
labeled as prophetic, inspirational and wise.
     While critics might contend that this is a little like
lowering crime by re-defining the meaning of the term "armed
robbery," in a country with no opposition, the maximum leader can
get away with anything.
     Niyazov, who turned 62 this year, would be in his
inspirational period.  But I'm sure that has nothing to do with
it.
     And old age?  That doesn't begin until age 85, while Turkmen
who reach age 97 enter a period named for Oguzkhan, considered
the founder of the Turkmen nation, who died at age 109.
     Only one small problem: according to the World Health
Organization, average life expectancy for Turkmen men is 60 and
65 for women.  So, not all that many folks will ever be
officially old.  I guess we can comfort ourselves that he chose
to eliminate old age this way, and not by shooting everyone over
75.
     Think he's too crazy to do that?  Well, President Niyazov
also announced recently that he will largely empty the former
Soviet republic's prison cells by December 1 by granting amnesty
to almost all of the nation's 17,000 prisoners.  Only prisoners
who have committed crimes against the state, been convicted of
premeditated murder or are repeat offenders will remain behind
bars, a Justice Ministry official said.
     Surprisingly, that isn't even a first.  While Niyazov has
resisted moves toward democracy and economic reforms, he has
favored grand gestures of mercy.  Prison amnesties are by far his
big favorites.  Since 1992, Niyazov has announced a total of 24
amnesties, freeing 112,000 people.  So far.  (AP)


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JOINING THE IMMORTALS...
---------------------
     Over the centuries, people have come up with many ways to
construct memorials to themselves so they'll be remembered after
they kick off.  It may be a fancy tomb, like the Taj Mahal or the
pyramids, or a cathedral, like some of Europe's famous rock
piles, or possibly even a bridge, like that Roebling bridge in
Brooklyn.
     But "Steady" Ed Headrick, who joined the choir recently at
age 78, came up with something unique in memorials; Ed's ashes
are to be combined with plastic and made molded into a limited
number of "memorial flying discs" which will be distributed to
family and friends, and sold to help fund a future Frisbee/disc
golf history and memorabilia museum, his son, Ken Headrick, said.
     The unusual keepsake is a logical one, since Ed was the
inventor who helped to perfect the Frisbee.  After World War II,
a guy by the name of Walter Morrison came up with the "Pluto
Platter" prototype, a plastic mini-flying saucer.  But the
platter proved to be a wobbly throw.  Headrick, who was then
working on research and development at the Wham-O toy company,
took a look at the design and added aerodynamic ridges on the top
of the disc in 1964, making it more flight-worthy.
     Awarded the patent for the first "professional" model
Frisbee in 1966, Headrick went on to popularize a wide variety of
Frisbee-related sports, founding the International Frisbee
Association and later the Professional Disc Golf Association,
which involves throwing a Frisbee at a metal cage.
     This was a surprisingly spiritual development for Headrick. 
In an interview with the Santa Cruz Sentinel last year, Ed 
acknowledged the special power of the Frisbee -- one of the
simplest and most successful toys ever devised. 
     "I felt the Frisbee had some kind of a spirit involved. 
It's not just like playing catch with a ball.  It's the beautiful
flight," Headrick said. 
     "We used to say that Frisbee is really a religion --
'Frisbyterians,' we'd call ourselves," he said.  "When we die, we
don't go to purgatory.  We just land up on the roof and lay
there."  (Reuters)


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STILL THE KING - VERY, VERY STILL...
---------------------------------
     Ed Headrick, dead as he might be, still has lots to learn
from Elvis, also still dead.
     Even in death, Elvis is the king.  In a slightly ghoulish
list compiled by Forbes magazine, the decades dead rocker was the
top earning deceased celebrity over the past year.  Presley
earned $37 million from June 2001 to June 2002, according to
Forbes, which ranked the earnings of the dead and famous for the
second year in a row.
     Coming in second behind Presley was "Peanuts" cartoonist
Charles Schulz, who raked in $28 million for the year.  The rest
of the top five were Beatle John Lennon, at $20 million; race-car
driver Dale Earnhardt, also at $20 million; and Theodor "Dr.
Seuss" Geisel, at $19 million.
     Of course, there are long-standing rumors that Elvis has not
left the building.  All those tabloid rumors that he was working
as a bagger in a supermarket in Kalamazoo, Michigan, etc.  It's a
regular cottage industry.
     One example?  Well, it may be 25 years since the official
death of the King of Rock 'n' Roll, but British bookmakers
William Hill - famous for accepting a bet on most anything - are
still taking bets on Elvis Presley being alive.
     "We have just taken a bet of 50 pounds ($76.58) at odds of
1,000-1 that Elvis is still alive," William Hill spokesman Graham
Sharpe said on the eve of the 25th anniversary of his death.  "We
take scores of fiver and tenner (5-10 pound) bets each year on
the same theme," he said in a statement.  (Reuters)
          [ And, at those odds, if they find out Elvis
          is alive, it'll be the bookmakers who are
          "All Shook Up." ]


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© 2002 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.