Hi SUNFUN Fans,
Well, it sure has been an exciting few weeks here around
SUNFUN Central, with out-of-town visitors, family commitments,
medical stuff and other events conspiring to fill most of the
time I get to write this thing every week. I suppose if there
was ever a week to skip, this might be it.
But that would never do. Though we certainly deal in comic
irony around here, using "being busy" as an out when this week's
topic is "Excuses" would probably lead to a minor implosion. Or
at least major embarrassment.
Excuses are practically unavoidable. We are swimming in a
sea of excuses these days. Just pick up the newspaper...
- Running for office recently, Wisconsin State Senator Mary
Panzer (R-West Bend) was asked exactly when she had actually
graduated from college. She gave a long and evasive answer,
basically saying she didn't know.
- Kenneth "Kenny Boy" Lay didn't know Enron was one giant
pyramid scheme.
- The Olympic judges didn't know the Russian mob was behind
that ice skating deal.
- The bomb-sniffing machines that were supposed to be
installed in airports this year won't be ready in time.
These are the same ones that Congress ordered installed
immediately - in 1992.
- Nobody connected the dots. And it was nobody's fault.
- Britney Spears said it was the media's fault she gave them
the middle finger in Mexico.
You begin to wonder if anyone knows anything anymore. Or,
wants to, with ignorance considered a great defense.
Politicians, religious leaders, business executives - they've all
strained credibility with their excuses. Take those boys at
WorldCom who were forced to restate income when it became clear
to the government that they'd cooked the company books to a
medium, golden brown. Their excuse? The ever popular "I didn't
know." This excuse would sound a little more reasonable if they
were just a couple of million off, but it sounds pretty stupid
for the auditors to have been off by more than half the gross
national product of the Bahamas. If you had the amount they were
off ($3.8 billion) in pennies, it would make a pile with
approximately the same volume as the Enron headquarters building
in Houston. These excuses are not just lame, they're practically
paraplegic.
Folks who need no excuse around here include our friends and
contributors: Jerry Taff, Nnamdi Elleh, RJ Tully, Rosana Leung,
Bernie & Donna Becwar, Yasmin Leischer, Helen Yee, Carol J.
Becwar, Jan Michalski, Joshua Brink, Charles Beckman, Kathleen
Beckmann, Tim McChain and Bruce Gonzo. Thanks always for your
contributions and support. And if I forgot that, I really would
have to come up with a good excuse.
Some of the excuses we used to use just don't work anymore.
One old excuse kids used for failing to turn in homework seems to
be a certain victim of modern technology. As more and more
student papers are done on the computer, the old excuse "my dog
ate it" is getting harder than ever to put over. I suspect that
"the cat was chasing my mouse" won't go very far, either.
Have A "No Excuses" Week,
COLLECT CHANGE DEPARTMENT...
-------------------------
A Humane Society official told the Washington Post that the
number of animal "collector syndrome" cases is increasing and
that there may now be several thousand people in the U. S. who
accumulate many more pets than they can care for.
One example cited was Doris Romeo, who ran a "Pets for Life"
rescue mission in Los Angeles. When health inspectors raided her
headquarters in 1998, they found 589 cats, many emaciated and
infected, with counter tops and floors in unspeakable condition
from all the cat droppings and giving off "a smell you never
forget," according to the city's chief vet.
When Romeo arrived home during the inspectors' visit, she
apologized for the horrendous condition of the house, saying the
cleaning people hadn't been there in "three days." (AP)
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"He's a complicated, very powerful man."
- Psychic Uri Geller's latest excuse,
on why he failed to read host Jay
Leno's mind while preparing for his
comeback appearance on "The Tonight
Show." Geller's previous
appearance on the show, back when
ex-magician Johnnie Carson was
host, was a complete flop.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
ALL KIDNAPPING ASIDE...
--------------------
A 60-year-old man from Rotterdam, Holland called his wife
from his cell phone last Christmas Eve to say that he had been
kidnapped. Unknown assailants had abducted him, and were holding
him for ransom.
The police called in more than a dozen extra staff and
immediately launched a search for the missing man. It took
investigators most of a day, but they finally located the missing
Dutchman.
He was with his mistress. He hadn't been kidnapped.
He was, however, facing charges of filing a false police
report and civil claims to pay for all that police overtime. If
he's lucky, he'll be sent to prison for a few years - which might
be best for the cheater's marriage, too. (Reuters)
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AN EXCUSE WITH A FEW BUGS IN IT...
-------------------------------
When a woman behind the wheel of what appeared to be a
stolen car was pulled over in Hartford, Wisconsin a few weeks
back, police asked her why a rear window happened to be broken.
She blamed it on her dog.
Then they asked her why the steering wheel she was sitting
behind had been "peeled," exposing the wires so the car could be
started without a key.
She said she had lost her keys in a forest in Michigan.
When the officers announced they were about to search the
car, she "advised that she had contracted lice and scabies and
stated that they were very contagious," according to the police
report.
The officer didn't seem to believe it, so she told him she
"often acquires parasitic diseases while traveling."
She's been offered the chance to remain vermin - and excuse
- free. In jail.
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MAYBE HE WAS DRIVEN TO IT?
-------------------------
In Tampa, Florida, Rafael Morgan was test driving a Porsche
when he was pulled over by the cops and ticketed for doing 60
miles-per-hour in a 35 zone. Apparently he really liked the hot
car, anyway. When he returned to the dealership, he drove off
with it as soon as the salesperson got out of the car. It was
not difficult for the cops to track the guy down, after all, he
had just given the officer his address and license when he was
ticketed. The cops just drove to his home and found the Porsche
outside and Rafael in the house.
When the cops arrested him, he gave one of the classic lame
excuses of all time: He told police that he didn't really steal
the car, he just drove it home to see if it would fit into his
garage.
He won't be driving any time soon.
[ And he fit perfectly in the cell. ]
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IT WAS IN THE STARS...
-------------------
Peter Saunders of Wellington, New Zealand was pulled over by
the police for dangerous driving after the coppers saw him switch
off his headlights and swerve to the wrong side of the road.
When the officers asked him why he did that, he said that he's an
amateur astronomer, searching the sky for a black hole, and he
could see better with his headlights off. His attorney said
Saunders hadn't been taking his medication. His license has been
suspended.
[ Yup, sounds pretty spacey, alright... ]
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CLAIMS DEPARTMENT
-----------------
People say the dumbest things when they are under stress.
Auto accidents are certainly stressful events, which is probably
why people say so many dumb things on accident reports. Things
like:
- "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of
its intention."
- "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned
the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a
different direction going the opposite way."
- "Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with
a tree I don't have."
- "I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I
put my hand through it."
- "No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would
have happened if the other driver had been alert."
- "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran
over him."
- "I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he
bounced off the hood of my car."
- "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident."
- "I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in
the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was
his rear end, and there was a crash."
- "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual
manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place
where it had been struck several times before."
- "The accident happened when the right door of a car came
around the corner without giving a signal."
- "I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later
found in a ditch by some stray cows."
- "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up,
obscuring my vision."
- "I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when
my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
- "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other
side of the road when I struck him."
- "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the
other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left
immediately for a vacation with injuries."
- "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck
the pedestrian."
- "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car
out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
- "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas
and crashed into the other car."
- "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
- "In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone
pole."
- "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
vehicle."
- "As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared
before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the
accident."
- "The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting
to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
- "A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's
face."
- "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him."
- "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
- "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle,
and vanished."
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ANOTHER EXCUSE THAT CAN'T STAND UP...
----------------------------------
A 31-year-old Milwaukee man was arrested on suspicion of
drunken driving in Mequon, Wisconsin last spring. He told the
police that he could not perform a sobriety test - standing on
one foot - because his chiropractor wouldn't want him to.
[ The cops said his excuse didn't have a leg
to stand on, either. He's in jail. ]
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VIDEO DUPLICATION?
-----------------
William Donner of Franklinton, Louisiana was caught on
security cameras throwing a cement block through the window of a
convenience store and stealing liquor, cigarettes and cigars.
The tape showed him stuffing the items into a duffel bag and
heading into a nearby woods. The very woods where the police
found him a short time later.
Donner explained that the man on the video tape wasn't him.
It was his evil twin brother who follows him around, dresses in
identical clothing and commits crimes to get him into trouble.
Naturally, the police found that pretty hard to believe.
Especially since he was found holding the boodle-stuffed duffle
bag.
Donner's now enjoying the striped sunlight in the county
jail while awaiting trial.
[ He's been charged with breaking and
entering, drunkenness, disorderly conduct and
impersonating a bad soap opera plot. ]
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NOT-SO-SMART EXCUSES FOR MISSING WORK
-------------------------------------
Don't try these at home, folks. And especially, don't try
them at work...
I've Had a Death in the Family
Don't ever use this excuse if it's not true. Your
employer will lose all trust in you.
"I had an employee whose mother died -- twice,"
said a PR executive in Virginia. "He also had the
misfortune of losing all his grandparents (12 of them)
during a two-year period."
I'm too Sleepy
When she was a manager at IBM, Marilynn Mobley
heard it all. This one still makes her laugh. The
employee apparently took Tylenol 3 with Codeine instead
of her vitamin pill. (The bottles looked alike, she
said.)
I Can't Get My Car out of the Garage
An employee said that a power failure was
preventing him from opening his power-operated garage
door. "I reminded him that there's a pull chain on it
for just such cases," his boss said.
I Can't Find My Polling Place.
Mary Dale Walters, a communications specialist at
CCH Incorporated, couldn't believe this one. A woman
working for her needed an entire day to figure out
where she had to go to vote in the 1996 Presidential
election. She now has lot's of time - as a former
employee.
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BUSTED!
------
Four Mexican state governors travelling with President
Vicente Fox on a state visit to Santiago, Chile last year found
out just how easily they could be found out while they were out
seeing the sights of Santiago.
Unfortunately for the governors, the sights they were
observing just then had legs. The governors were discovered
inside a topless coffee house, where waitresses wear G-strings
and wear either transparent blouses or nothing at all.
Once caught by the group of reporters, the governors
explained they had been brought to the cafe by a driver when they
had asked to be taken somewhere for coffee.
Not so fast, the reporters said. A reporter from Mexico's
state news agency Notimex said he saw one of the politicians
kissing a scantily clad waitress on the cheek.
The four governors quickly cleared out of the cafe, but the
embarrassing incident immediately made it onto Mexico's evening
news shows. (Reuters)
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NO EXCUSES...
----------
Frederick II, eighteenth-century king of Prussia, fancied
himself an enlightened monarch. In some respects he was, for his
time. One story about him says that Frederich became interested
in conditions in his kingdom's prisons. As he was being escorted
through one prison the convicts appealed to their king from their
cells. One after another, the prisoners fell to their knees,
bewailing their lot and - predictably - protesting their
innocence of all charges that had been brought against them.
One old con stayed strangely quiet, and finally Frederick's
curiosity got the best of him.
"You," he called. "You there."
The prisoner looked up. "Yes, Your Majesty?"
"Why are you here?"
"Armed robbery, Your Majesty."
"And are you guilty?"
"Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my
punishment."
At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and
announced, "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will
not have him here in jail where, by example, he will corrupt all
these splendid innocent people who occupy it!"
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© 2002 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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