Welcome Back, Friends,
"All the world's a stage and everybody plays the fool," said
that Bill with the quill, Mr. Shakespeare. But it's pretty clear
that some play more than others. All of us run into people day
to day that give the impression that they are in some contest to
see how far under par they can keep their IQ's. The common
element in the stories that follow in this week's Funnies is that
really foolish people will go far out of their way to do moronic
acts. Some of these bits of foolishness are accidents, but they
do seem the result of a long-standing resistance to intelligent
thought. I suppose you could say that some folks are born to
stupidity, and others have it thrust upon them.
A large number of websites chortle at the "Darwin Awards,"
featuring stories where some poor fool has permanently removed
himself from the gene pool in some particularly idiotic way. The
Darwins always seem to buy into the latest fads in urban legends,
and they seem a little too mean-spirited for my taste - maybe
they gloat too much in the gooey, gory death aspects of these
things. I prefer the hopeful approach that maybe, by some truly
foolish disaster, the long-suffering slob can learn to do better.
It is that identification that makes us all feel that, but for
good fortune or a really durable karma, we could be in the same
spot. Maybe, at least, we can learn from the mistakes of others,
and become better, smarter people for it. After all, you can't
live long enough to make all the mistakes yourself.
Thanks this week to our always wise and intelligent friends
and contributors, especially: Helen Yee, Nnamdi Elleh, Catherine
Cassidy, Kerry Miller, Len Garver, Brian Siegl, Jerry Taff, Tim
McChain, Bruce Gonzo, Charlie Beckman, Jan Michalski, Carol J.
Becwar, Joshua Brink, John Peterson and Kenn Venit.
Even though we know very little about most of the folks in
these stories, we do get a sense that these aren't the only bad
decisions they've ever made. What about the poor slobs who
refuse to learn from their silly mistakes? In the inimitable
words of 1970's icon Mr. T, "I pity da fool!"
Have A Great Week,
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DRIVING LIKE CRAZY...
------------------
Police in Portugal have launched a major campaign to
increase road safety, which is critical because the country has
the highest accident rate in Europe. One motorist stopped there
recently definitely isn't helping matters. The unnamed motorist
was cruising down the highway in central Portugal while shaving
using his rear-view mirror. With a blade and soap, no less.
Naturally, police were happy to give him a ticket for this.
His excuse? "I have to smarten up for an important
meeting." (Reuters)
[ Well, he was right for the first five
words, anyway. ]
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WE'LL NEVER FORGET OLD WHAT'S-HIS-NAME
--------------------------------------
In order to promote patriotism and pride in their heritage,
the parliament of the tiny Caribbean nation of St. Vincent and
the Grenadines proclaimed National Hero Day, a new national
holiday. They did this with the apparent intention of
commemorating Joseph Chatoyer, who fought against British
colonialism in the 18th Century.
I say apparent only because the parliament never quite got
around to making that official before disbanding ahead of a
general election. No matter, the country celebrated hero day
anyway - even without an official hero. (Reuters)
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"It was all money, money, money, Gucci suitcases, two
Rolex watches, private jets ... one day I woke up in a
hotel, and it was all just emptiness."
- Famed psychic performer Uri Geller,
recalling how he felt when his
career hit the skids in the 1970's.
[ So what you're telling us, Mr. Psychic, is
that - YOU COULDN'T SEE THAT COMING?! ]
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JUMPING IN FEET FIRST...
---------------------
It is clear that often people do not realize how the things
they do make them appear foolish to others. Is it isolation from
reality or simple chutzpa? I really don't know. Take Imelda
Marcos, for instance. She and her husband Ferdinand were tossed
out of the Philippines in the 1980's after years of plundering
dictatorship while many of their people were barely surviving in
the Manila garbage dump. But Imelda has always had a pretty high
idea of her place in the world.
"Filipinos want beauty. I have to look beautiful so that
the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums,"
she said back then.
After they were forced out, Imelda's immense collection of
fancy footwear became an embarrassment - the very symbol of their
indulgent lifestyle. Once settled into the estate in Hawaii
where she lived in stylish exile, she even denied owning many
shoes.
"I have no weakness for shoes. I wear very simple shoes
which are pump shoes. It is not one of my weaknesses," Imelda
said in the early 1990's.
Now, after spending the last 15 years in denial of her
footwear fetish, the former Philippine first lady has opened her
own museum -- of shoes. Among the displays are five identical
pairs of fancy, black Charles Jourdans with rhinestone-studded
heels and a pair of blue canvas loafers that she had on when she
and Ferdinand blew town with a suitcase full of money in 1986.
When reporters asked how many pairs of shoes she owns now,
she simply smiled and replied: "I don't know, I've really lost
count." (AP)
[ Further evidence that Mrs. Marcos will
always be remembered as the first lady of
sole. ]
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BOOK 'EM, DANNO. STUPIDITY 1...
-----------------------------
This is the case of Rev. George Bender, who runs a church
about 40 miles north of Pittsburgh. Rev. Bender got on a bender
about morality and decided that too many of his flock had fallen
in with the devil. In response, he held a ceremonial burning of
"ungodly" books, records and videotapes. Among the "works of the
devil" that went into the flames were albums by Joe Walsh and
Bruce Springsteen and videos like "Pinocchio" and "Hercules." A
few Harry Potter books also went up in smoke, of course.
Apparently Bender is quite unaware of the very nasty
symbolism of book burnings and their connection with some famous
20th Century events. I don't know how he missed it - it was in
all the papers. Or maybe he'd already burned those. Whatever
the case, the Reverend didn't quite appreciate how negatively
people might react to what he and his flock had done.
"We got a lot more attention than we were planning on. I've
been getting calls all morning from all around the country,"
Bender said. "We were only out to make a little noise in the
local community. ... We got some people mad at us. But it's
good to have publicity." (Reuters)
[ "Wherever they burn books they will
eventually burn people"
- German philosopher Heinrich Heine
(1797-1856) ]
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A ONE TRACK MIND...
----------------
The Japanese are justly proud of their 170-mile-an-hour
Shinkansen "Bullet Trains." After more than 40 years of running,
the trains have a near-perfect safety record. Which is likely to
continue, as long as the engineers can keep track of their hats.
Three weeks ago, a Bullet Train engineer for the Central
Japan Railway suddenly realized he wasn't wearing his uniform hat
as required by company regulations. So he went looking for it,
which took about five minutes. Normally, you wouldn't think this
would be of much concern, but since his train was coasting down
the track at about 15 miles-per-hour, it might have been better
to wait. No travellers were on board the driverless train, since
it was just going into service at Tokyo's Ueno station. Not that
it made railway officials feel any less embarrassed about the
incident.
"We have notified all drivers that they should continue
driving until they reach a station, after which they should
report that they have misplaced his or her hat," said Naoyuki
Maruyama, spokesman for Central Japan Railway. (Reuters)
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WHAT? WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU...
-------------------------------
Heath Hess of Hornell, New York was just walking along
talking on his cellular phone. The 24-year-old man was having an
animated conversation with a friend who was coming to give him a
ride. But it was hard to hear over the noise, so Hess blocked
his open ear with his hand, which helped a little.
Unfortunately for Hess, he was so engaged in conversation
that the loud noise - and the fact that he was walking along
railroad tracks - didn't quite register. The noise he was busy
ignoring was a Conrail freight train bearing down on him with
horns blaring. Hess was struck by the lead locomotive and tossed
into the weeds along the track.
"Little did he know the noise he was really blocking out was
coming from a train," Hornell Police Officer Scott Richardson
said.
Fortunately, Hess didn't quite make it from oblivious to
oblivion, and he was treated at a nearby hospital for various
cuts and abrasions. Officer Richardson said police were
considering charging Hess with trespassing for being on the
tracks. (AP)
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ANOTHER LANDMARK CAREER IN POLITICS
-----------------------------------
Greg Ritchey, a Green Party candidate for the Columbus, Ohio
city council, scheduled a news conference at City Hall to
announce that he would serve his full four-year term if elected
next November. Other candidates were also scheduled to make the
same pledge on the steps of the landmark building in downtown
Columbus. But no one showed up, leaving Ritchey there alone and
wondering what could have caused such massive lack of interest in
what had been a hot political topic in Columbus.
Ritchey continued to wonder until it began to dawn on him
that the buildings looked strangely unfamiliar. Finally asking a
passerby, he was informed that he was standing on the steps of
the Ohio Statehouse and that City Hall was a few blocks away.
When a reporter reached him later by phone, he sheepishly
explained, "I knew where it was. I just got flustered." (Reuters)
[ Perfect qualifications for handling those
tense and critical situations on the city
council, right? ]
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"I've never thought of myself as weird."
- Recording artist PRINCE, reclaiming
his original stage name following
the expiration of his publishing
agreement with Warner Bros.
Records.
[ Well, that's one of us... ]
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THE RECENT BOOM IN FOOLISHNESS
------------------------------
A 39-year-old truck driver from Laval, Quebec, Canada was
unloading a tank truck of "oil byproducts" at a Petro-Canada
plant in Mississauga, Ontario. Unsure if his truck was empty
enough for him to pull away, the unidentified driver opened a
topside hatch and looked down into the tank. Since it was too
dark to see, he pulled out a cigarette lighter and ... Found
himself a few yards away and without any eyebrows, but otherwise
luckily unhurt in the explosion.
"I think it was one of those things where just before the
explosion happened, he said, 'Uh oh. What did I do?'," said
police Constable Heather Andrews. (Canadian Press)
[ She sounds so optimistic that the thought
might actually occur to him at all... ]
-------------------------
Similarly, a 40-year-old motorist in Queensland, Australia
found out why it's a bad idea to ignore those No Smoking signs on
the gas pumps. Puffing away while filling a jerry can with
gasoline, he was blown 15-feet (5 meters) in the air when his
dangling cigarette set off the gas fumes. He crash landed on a
large ant nest, which didn't make the man very happy, though he
was only slightly singed. The ants weren't any too happy,
either. Fire crews eventually put out his blazing car, but the
man's burns and ant bites were, fortunately, not serious enough
to require hospitalization.
But it gets worse for our zero ... ah, hero. Upon
questioning the singed and groggy man, police determined that he
was driving while drunk, had no driver's license and that his now
char-broiled car wasn't registered. He was arrested.
"We took a vote," a police spokesman said, "and this is one
of the stupidest things we've ever heard of." (Reuters)
[ So from that, I guess we can deduce that
the Australian police don't read Canadian
newspapers. ]
-------------------------------
Donald Pierce of Manchester Township, Pennsylvania has quite
a reputation as a practical joker. Somehow, he thought it would
be a real riot to set off a bomb in a Porta-Pottie at the
construction site where he worked. Not enough to hurt anyone, of
course, just enough to make a large and embarrassing mess. This
guy has to be really popular with his co-workers.
Pierce rigged up an explosive charge with a door trigger on
the temporary toilet and stood close by to watch the "fun." He
saw an electrician enter the facility, but was disappointed when
nothing happened. Then another co-worker, and another - still
with no septic boom. Pierce watched in gathering disappointment
as worker after worker used the portable toilet with no unusual
effect.
Finally, Pierce became convinced that something must have
gone wrong. He went into the thing himself to check out what
could have gone wrong with his booby trapped bathroom.
Nothing was wrong, as it turned out, since the explosive
charge went off as soon as he got inside. The potty bomber was
left with temporary deafness, minor burns and major
embarrassment. And he was further embarrassed when police
charged him with criminal mischief for his smelly misadventure.
-------------------------------
Then there's the lovesick, 35-year-old German in the western
town of Moenchengladbach who was so despondent when dumped by his
girlfriend that he went in the basement of his apartment building
and turned on the gas, intending to commit suicide.
After a time waiting for the end, he began to have second
thoughts.... After all, why should he kill himself over her. If
she didn't want him, there surely would be someone else who
would. He turned off the gas and returned to his apartment.
Relaxed now, and with a new lease on life, he settled into a
comfortable chair to think things over. Unfortunately, he lit a
cigarette before doing any thinking, and the resulting explosion
blew the roof off of the building and collapsed two of the walls.
No one was injured, fortunately, though police took the still-
smoldering smoker in for questioning. (Reuters)
-------------------------------
And finally, the embarrassing one that didn't explode.
Pushed into the background by Slobodan Milosevic, Saddam Hussein
and other, more current slimeballs, Libya's Moammar Gadhafi tried
to regain the world spotlight by releasing a video that showed
him narrowly surviving an assassination attempt.
As broadcast on Libyan TV, the tape showed a hand grenade
being tossed from the audience and landing next to General
Gadhafi. Luckily for him, the grenade didn't go off.
But then, it couldn't have, because, looking at the video
frame-by-frame, the Associated Press quickly determined that the
"grenade" had been crudely hand-drawn on the film so poorly that
it wouldn't fool anyone over the age of three.
Of course, Gadhafi was unhurt in the "incident"; I wonder if
the Libyan "not-so-special effects" crew got off so lucky. (AP)
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A SERIOUS LACK OF CLASS
-----------------------
San Diego (California) State University instructor Brian
Cornforth got a tip that some of the students in his class were
cheating. Apparently, the students were using copies of a test
from a previous year's class. To trip up the cheaters, Cornforth
mixed up the order of the questions on his next exam.
Cornforth was shocked to find that a third of his 75
students marked their responses according to the previous test,
even though the resulting answers were complete nonsense. All 25
have been flunked.
Worse yet is the reaction of some of the dismissed students.
"What about the teacher's responsibility?" one complained,
adding Cornforth was "negligent and stupid" to reuse old tests.
And what was the course Cornforth teaches? Business ethics,
of course. (Newsweek)
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"When you fool a fool, you strike a blow for
intelligence."
- Giacomo Girloamo Casanova De
Seingalt, Italian adventurer
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IS THIS A BAD TIME TO TELL YOU IT WAS A JOKE?
--------------------------------------------
At a Christmas party for the Amoco Oil Company in Melbourne,
Australia last year, some of the staff decided to pull a
practical joke on their boss who had a habit of playing practical
jokes on everyone else.
When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and
found his weekly lottery ticket. They wrote down the numbers on
his ticket and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.
When she came back to the table some time later, she asked
if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers. Then she
proceeded to read off the numbers on the bosses ticket that had
been given her by the staff when he was away from the table.
The boss looked at the numbers on the slip of paper she
held, then casually pulled out his lottery ticket and compared
them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket
and sat down again, then checked the numbers, even more
carefully.
Finally, he gulped down his drink, stood up on his chair and
shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know
something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for
months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for
this company. You can all go to Hell, cause I've just won loads
of money, and I'm leaving."
End of job. End of marriage. End of story.
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© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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