Greetings, Film Fans...
There are so many good movies out there. There are movies
that make us laugh, make us cry, uplift the spirit, move us, make
us feel the joy of being alive. For a bit over a hundred years,
films have provided delight and beauty and ideas. A few of them
stand as genuine art and make us proud to be part of the species
that created them.
These are not the movies we are going to talk about in this
edition of Funnies.
At the bottom of the movie barrel there are Grade-Z turkeys
with stale jokes, crappy dialog and not-so-special effects.
These movies would be total wastes of time and film stock except
for one thing - in a really bad film all of the normally well-
hidden cliches, conventions and plot holes hang out visibly like
underwear on a clothesline. And just as there are a few really
wonderful movies, there are a few really awful ones that go that
extra step from boring junk into grand and glorious disaster.
There is something about some of this cinemanure that makes it
hard to turn away. It's like watching a multi-car wreck or
airplane crash in slow motion - you know in your heart how awful
it is, and that careers are being destroyed as you watch. But
you just can't turn away from the spectacle, the sheer magnitude
of such a huge public mistake.
There are probably as many ways to make an awful movie as to
make a great one. One sure way to make a lousy movie is to take
a fairly good idea and destroy it by doing it stupidly. Kevin
Costner has made something of a career out of this lately. He
has made some pretty good movies, and had a great hit with
'Dances With Wolves,' where he played a disillusioned soldier who
found redemption by falling in love with an Indian woman. Since
then, he has had notable disasters with 'Waterworld,' where he
played a disillusioned, post-apocalyptic mutant who found
redemption by falling in love with a woman at sea and 'The
Postman,' where he played a disillusioned, post-apocalyptic
soldier who found redemption falling in love with a woman in an
isolated desert village. The unkinder critics slammed these
movies as 'Dances With Fish' and 'Dances With Cactus,'
respectively.
Before the stars get going on their thank you speeches, I
want to say Thanks to my great supporting cast of SUNFUN
contributors and critics: Charlie Beckman, Jan Michalski, Jerry
Taff, Sharon Nuernberg, Bruce Gonzo, Larry Ford, Tim McChain,
Peter J. Adler, Joshua Brink, David Zach, Fumiko Umino and Yasmin
& Meredith Leischer. While the golden age of turkey movies may
be long past in this age of market testing and corporate movie
studios, there's no need to worry. Just remember that some movie
genres last forever, so just like romantic comedies, uplifting
dramas or detective thrillers, somewhere, some time, Kevin
Costner will be ready with another post-apocalyptic loner finds
redemption movie.
Have A Happy-Ending Week,
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the
number of helicopters in it."
- Dave Barry
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
OUR YEAR OF WATCHING DANGEROUSLY...
--------------------------------
It was a weird year at the movies. The Academy Awards
ceremony for 2001 is not going to change that. For one thing,
Dino De Laurentiis is going to get a life achievement award for
the "consistently high quality" of his work. Obviously, no one
in the Academy remembers "King Kong Lives," "Mandingo," "Dune,"
"Conan the Destroyer," or "Barbarella."
ANY year that includes John Travolta's "Battlefield Earth"
has to be pretty inferior. This is a film that sets a new
standard for bad cinema. Travolta plays a 9-foot (3 meter) tall,
villainous alien from the future wearing bad makeup, dreadlocks,
a KISS-inspired leather suit with stilted platform shoes and
puffy, fake-looking alien-paw gloves. And everybody in the film
wears "breathing tubes" that hang from their noses like ropes of
dirty snot. And codpieces. Really big codpieces. This is all
far more ridiculous than it sounds on paper - the look of these
bad guys is about midway between a tall, skinny Klingon having a
bad hair decade and Guido the killer pimp. And these bad guys
live in fear of "The Home Office," which is what they call their
world. So, to sum up so far: skinny, Klingon, killer-pimp
insurance agents have taken over the earth, enslaving mankind.
Even the kinder critics thought this film stank. Roger
Ebert said in his review, "'Battlefield Earth' is like taking a
bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time.
It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way." Worse
than the critics was the reaction of filmgoers: the $60 million
film took in maybe $20 million, total.
After "Battlefield Earth" tanked in the US, Travolta
announced to the press that he wanted to re-edit the movie for
its European video release. This move disappointed the German
distributor, who obviously wanted to slip the movie out quietly
before word-of-mouth killed any chance of selling a few copies.
But they gamely went along. The delay in releasing the movie
diminished Intertainment's profits to the point that the company
was forced to issue a profit warning to its investors.
Travolta only filmed the first half of the L. Ron Hubbard
book, saving the rest for a sequel. No word yet on whether he
will actually make the follow-up film. So there is still time
for you to plan to hide in a monastery in Nepal until this thing
blows over.
SUNFUN fans, at some expense and sacrifice, I have actually
watched "Battlefield Earth." The critics were wrong - it wasn't
the worst film of the year. It was one of the ten worst since
Edison invented sprocket holes. I'll grant Travolta this... the
film does need a little trimming. Considering that this movie
sucks like a Hoover with warp drive, cutting out all of that
stupid part between the opening credits and the closing copyright
would be a great improvement.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
ADVENTURES IN BAD CINEMA
------------------------
So many bad movies, so little time. Here is a sampling of
the "best" of the worst:
WORST STUPOR-HERO MOVIE
-----------------------
Puma Man (1980) - Donald Pleasance plays the bald bad guy in
this less-than-super superhero movie. The evil Pleasance
wants a gold puma mask so he can take over the world by
staring at lighted, paper-mache heads. No, it doesn't make
sense - why did you think it would?. Neither does the fact
that the only one who can stop him is "PumaMan," the world's
wimpiest superhero. He really puts the poo in puma. Our
hero has puma vision, but is easily fooled by the not-that-
bright evil mastermind. He has claws like a puma, but can't
wrestle a sixty-ish fat man to the ground. And PumaMan
flies through the air at about 16 miles per hour with his
butt high, in just the same position as if he was bent over
a proctologist's exam table. This doesn't exactly inspire
confidence in his super-duper puma powers. Also noteworthy
is the film's retch-inspiring, all-disco soundtrack.
-------------------------
BIGGEST MISS OF AN ADVENTURE MOVIE
----------------------------------
Roller Blade (1985) - Take the worst of "The Warriors" and "Mad
Max", only on rollerblades. It has a futuristic look and
appears to have been filmed behind a K-Mart in East Moline,
Illinois. In this film, futuristic rebels are fighting
against a fascist state aided by a group of rollerblading
nuns known as the "Bod Sisters." I am not making this up.
Quite possibly the worst movie of the 80's.
-------------------------
WORST MOVIE EVER MADE FROM A COMIC BOOK
---------------------------------------
Howard the Duck (1986) - George Lucas produced this film about a
three-foot-tall, talking duck from another planet. We hope
he was on drugs, or had some other really good excuse. Come
into this movie even a minute after the initial setup and
you will wonder why all of those people are talking to a
rather stupid short person in a duck suit that would
embarrass a child at Halloween. You will, however, hear
every rotten duck pun that it is possible to construct using
the English language. Lame on all levels.
-------------------------
WORST WESTERN
-------------
The Terror of Tiny Town (1938) - A evil gunslinger terrorizes a
small Western town until the dashing hero organizes a posse
to chase the despised villain and wins the heart of the fair
damsel. Pretty standard mid-1930's Western, right? And it
would be, except that this weirdest of westerns has an all-
midget cast. That's it - everyone in view is under 4' 8"
(143 cm). They ride Shetland ponies. They dance tiny
square dances. They sing ballads in Munchkinland voices and
play teeny guitars. The town, however, is built to standard
size, so the cast of little people is forever entering bar
rooms by walking UNDER the swinging doors and have trouble
holding their standard-issue six guns. Jed Buell, the
producer of this mini-monstrosity had exactly one gimmick -
he shot straight westerns with "all-something-or-other"
casts, whether they be all-singing, all-Black, or, as in
this case, all-vertically-challenged. If you didn't see it,
you'd never believe anyone had been dumb enough to make it.
-------------------------
MOST UNMUSICAL MUSICAL
----------------------
Lost Horizon (1973) - Not the wonderful Frank Capra version of
1937, this is the musical remake by producer Ross Hunter. A
big name cast of non-singers is wasted in this ridiculous
musical with extremely poor songs. John Gielgud as the
stereotypical "wise high lama" looks as uncomfortable as if
he was wearing yak fur underwear. Olivia Hussey, plays the
love interest in this film, which would have been fine
except that she was extremely pregnant at the time. To
"hide" this fact, the producers put her in a hippie dress
that makes her appear to be about the same diameter as the
Goodyear blimp. This movie flushed away so much money for
Columbia Pictures it was known as "Lost Investment."
-------------------------
WORST MOVIE "INSPIRED" BY AN OLD TV SHOW (SO FAR)
------------------------------------------------
The Avengers (1998) - The very definition of a "brother-in-law"
movie. It should be easy, right? Just take the paint-by-
numbers characters from an old TV show and put them in a
new, feature-length film. So the producer hires his idiot
in-law, who produces a script written in crayon on lined
paper. Uma Thurman looks delicious in a leather jumpsuit.
Other than that, this will always be remembered as the movie
that put Sean Connery in a pastel teddy bear costume.
Connery has said in interviews that if he really did have a
license to kill, he'd use it to get rid of the producer and
director of this film. Mercifully, it is only 89 minutes
long; nearly 26 minutes were cut out after the disastrous
preview. Maybe that's where the plot was.
-------------------------
MOST OUTRAGEOUS RIP-OFF
-----------------------
Operation Kid Brother (1967) - On the heels of the James Bond
spy flicks came a few thousand really terrible secret agent
movies. In this one, the producers had the bright idea to
employ Neil Connery as "what's his name's brother" - the
movie actually refers to him this way. Connery the Younger
plays a world-class plastic surgeon, drinker, hypnotist,
lip-reader, card player and womanizer. Obviously, the only
thing he can't do is act. The plot is a standard evil
genius re-tread. I would have LOVED to hear what big
brother James said to Neil after this came out.
-------------------------
WORST CREATURE FEATURE SEQUEL
-----------------------------
Piranha II: The Spawning (1981) - There is a serious problem
with evil creatures that only inhabit one medium. If the
bad beastie is in the water, then just don't go there. This
is exactly why "Jaws" inspired little real fear on the
beaches of, say, Kansas. This miserable cineturd has flocks
of FLYING piranhas flitting about like demented
hummingbirds. The producers apparently couldn't think of
enough excuses to get their bone-headed cast into the water
so the nasty killer fish could get at them. So, the writer
simply made them fly, which looks even dumber than it
sounds.
-------------------------
NOTHING TO LAUGH AT: WORST COMEDY
---------------------------------
Leonard, Part 6 (1987) - Bill Cosby is a secret agent called out
of retirement to save the world. Cos went on the talk show
circuit asking people NOT to see this movie, even though he
co-wrote it. Some have defended it as "better than 'Ghost
Dad'." True, but that is pretty much like claiming that
smallpox is better than bubonic plague. By the way, there
were no Parts 1-5 - Thank God for small favors.
-------------------------
MOST HORRIBLY-MADE HORROR MOVIE
-------------------------------
Manos, the Hands Of Fate (1966) - This movie comes at the end of
our little jaunt through bad cinema, like horses at the end
of a parade. And for about the same reason. Hal P. Warren,
the writer and director of this film, was a Texas fertilizer
salesman trying to break into the movies. Instead, he
produced this little manure-spreading mess about the evil
Master and his wives, who take over a small motel. Clearly,
this is an evil mastermind with very limited goals. Beware:
the dullness of this movie rubs off - for about the first
ten minutes, a family drives around aimlessly. You'll
realize later that this was the dramatic high point of the
film. The talent-free cast had never worked in movies
before, and hasn't acted since.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
GODZILLA'S TOP COMPLAINTS...
-------------------------
OK, we know the "Godzilla" films are the movie equivalent of
junk food. But the Japanese-made ones are a guilty pleasure,
like pork rinds; you know they are probably bad for you, but you
kind of like them anyway. And the genuine Japanese versions were
far more successful - and far better quality - than the megabucks
American version that came out a couple of years ago. So why
does the old zipperback monster still get no respect from
Hollywood? After all these years in the movie business, the big
green guy has a few complaints:
- Over 40 years of hard work in films and still no Oscar - not
even a Lifetime Achievement award.
- Pronunciation... It's "Gojirra," damnit!
- Environmental laws make it harder to annihilate metropolitan
areas the way I used to. Too many forms to fill out.
- I'm becoming typecast. The movies never portray my
sensitive, poetic side.
- Sure I smoked Tokyo a few times, but I didn't inhale.
- I hate the air bags in new cars! You bite down on a nice
crunchy Corolla and, **BANG!**, the thing bites back...
- Japanese people are way too salty.
- Too many tall buildings in Japan now - it's embarrassing
when I get my tail stuck between them.
- CNN never reported on my destruction of Tokyo.
- Where are all the girl giant lizards? King Kong always gets
the babes. Reptiles need love, too, you know.
- I burn my fingers when I sneeze. I hate that.
- All the millions of bucks I've made for him and my agent
still won't do lunch with me at Spago.
- All those LITTLE PEOPLE! They freak me out when they speak
with their mouths moving out of sync.
- Nobody's afraid of me any more since the banking crisis --
all they worry about is currency exchange rates, bank stocks
and junk bonds...
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THE WORLD'S WORST DIRECTOR
--------------------------
Since the publication of "The Golden Turkey Awards" in the
1980's, the late Edward D. Wood has become justly famous as
"Hollywood's Worst Director." They even made a movie about him
in 1994. Working with ever cheaper budgets, Ed only made a
handful of movies, but they are all unbelievably bad. Sample
dialog from "Plan 9 From Outer Space (1958): "... Inspector Clay
is dead - murdered. And someone's responsible." Truly a
director ahead of his time. Imagine the dreck that he and Pauly
Shore could have turned out...
But there is another director who may be even worse,
especially since his movies cost more than $15 to make. That
director is the famous Alan Smithee, who has one of the weirdest
entries in the Internet Movie Database. Even though he doesn't
really exist.
There is a story here, of course. (Why did you think I
brought it up?) The union of film directors, The Directors Guild
of America, has been trying for years to establish the director
as the "author" of a film, getting the credit or blame for the
film. Because of this, the guild's rules require a director name
on the credits, even when the film is of such crappy quality that
they'll never work again, not even to direct dog food commercials
for late-night cable.
But not all terrible movies are the fault of the director
alone. As a way out, directors can have their name removed from
the film, substituting the name "Alan Smithee." It is probably
no accident that this name is an anagram for "The Alias Men."
How bad can it be? If there is a cinema in Hell, they
probably have weekly Alan Smithee Film Festivals, featuring the
likes of:
Starforce (2000)
Firehouse (1997)
An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn (1997) (really
Arthur Hiller)
Hellraiser IV: Bloodline (1996) (really Kevin Yagher)
The O.J. Simpson Story (1995) (TV) (really Jerrold Freedman)
Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh (1991) (really Dean
Tschetter)
Shrimp on the Barbie (1990) (really Michael Gottlieb)
Catchfire (1989) (really Dennis Hopper)
Joan Rivers and Friends Salute Heidi Abromowitz (1985) (TV)
Death of a Gunfighter (1969) (really Don Siegel & Robert
Totten)
And many, many others...
Our pal Al is also credited with directing the music videos
for Jennifer Lopez' "Waiting for Tonight" AND Whitney Houston's
"I Will Always Love You." Always a busy guy, he is listed as
conductor of "The Alan Smithee Orchestra", which provided
background music for the 1996 Kino Video restoration of the 1925
silent "Cyrano de Bergerac".
Clearly, the name Allen Smithee has come to represent a
unique vision in American film. One that should make you run for
the exits and demand your money back if you see his name in the
opening credits of any film.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
Well, in true Oscars fashion, we've run a little long,
so goodnight folks and see you at the movies.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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