BURNED AT THE STEAK

What's To Eat? As SUNFUN Covers Food.

Greetings, Fellow Gourmets...
     Those of you who have followed along for a while on these
weekly forays have probably noticed that a large percentage of
the material in Funnies falls into the "gee, isn't that ironic"
class of humor.  Chunks of irony are studded through these
Funnies like raisins in an oatmeal cookie.  Which makes this
week's topic especially ironic.  The Funnies topic is usually
scheduled weeks in advance, so I had no way of knowing that I'd
have a touch of the flu this week.  This last week, food and I
have been on less than snacking terms.  So, talking about food
just now is about as natural for me as singing grand opera.  OK,
there's your dose of irony for the week, from now on out, we'll
shoot for funny.
     The subject of food is so tied up in culture and nationality
that it is pretty hard to get a really objective view.  I'm sure
there is a sociology paper or two just covering the odd
delicacies of folks around the world.  Our friends in Australia,
for example, are incredibly fond of stuff called "Vegemite" that
they spread on just about everything.  Now, the Aussies think our
American obsession with peanut butter is a little hard to
explain, but at least we know what's in a jar of Skippy.  (That's
Skippy the peanut butter, by the way.  Don't want any of you to
get this confused with that old kid's TV show from Oz, "Skippy
the Bush Kangaroo."  But, I digress.  Everybody still with me? 
Great!)  A recent survey of folks on the great empty continent
found that most Aussies have only the vaguest idea what goes into
their national treat.
     Truth is, it is a good thing for the people of Oz that they
love their beer, because Vegemite is made from yeast byproducts
obtained from a local brewery in Melbourne - by a subsidiary of
the American company Kraft foods, no less.  A harmless enough
beginning for something that most Americans describe as tasting
like salty, rancid soy sauce and looks like the result of a
botched biology experiment.  It seems to be some sort of rule
that every human culture has to have some food that repels
outlanders.  Who knows, maybe that is how cultures begin.
     Places at the banquet this week are reserved for:  Eva and
Tiffany Lu, Jerry Taff, Tim McChain, Bruce Gonzo, Joshua Brink,
Larry Sakar, Michele Adler, Carol J. Becwar, Jan Michalski, and
Chuck Maray.  Thanks for all of your recipes and your other
contributions, as well.  So, forget the food scares and stick
around as we cook up some of the silliest restaurant tales you've
ever heard.  Your reservation is ready, so bon appetit'.
     Have A Delicious Week,


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HOW TO CURRY FAVOR WITH THE CHIEF...
---------------------------------
     Normally, it is hard to find police officers to volunteer
for the complex and confrontational duty of London's hate crimes
unit, but Scotland Yard's top cops been really pleased.  They
have had no shortage of volunteers over the last few months.
     Why?  That's since the race relations unit started doing
undercover duty at various ethnic restaurants.  After a series of
incidents where waiters and restaurant workers were abused by
customers, police officers began posing as diners and enjoying
the fare at a variety of Indian, Chinese, Thai and Yugoslav
restaurants.  Quite a change from walking the beat out in the
cold.
     "My officers are working in partnership with local
restaurant owners and their staff to ensure that a pleasant
evening out remains just that for all involved," said Detective
Chief Inspector Brett Lovegrove, head of a hate-crime prevention
unit.  "This means it is bad news for the racists."  (Reuters)
          [ And bad news for the officers' waistlines,
          too. ]


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CURRY ABUSE?
-----------
     Maybe the curry cops above will have to take steps to
prevent becoming addicted, at least according to a study released
late last year.
     Long a favorite "ethnic" flavor in England, it turns out
that curry is also addictive, prompting the same sorts of
physiological symptoms as addictive substances, including
increases in the heartbeat and blood pressure.
     It has, of course, long been known that those who eat
curries and other spicy food build up a tolerance to them and
crave hotter and hotter dishes.
     "What we are seeing is physiological and psychological
effects combining to create an addiction," said researcher
Stephen Gray.  "Curry gives you a natural 'high' much more
powerful than anything you get with traditional British foods." 
(Reuters)
          [ Nothing much new there - as bland as most
          British food is, I suspect that Jello would
          be a real shot. ]


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HOW TO KEEP 'EM COMING BACK FOR MORE...
------------------------------------
     Curry addiction may be one thing, but authorities in
Shanghai recently cracked down on another restaurant practice
calculated to keep customers coming back for more.  
     Of 45 "hot pot" restaurants inspected, health officials
found that 11 had added opium poppies to their broth for that
extra bit of dining pleasure, according to the official Wenhui
Daily.
     China bans planting and use of opium though it allows some
cultivation for medical purposes.  (Reuters)


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AND, IN THE HEADLINES...
---------------------
     OK, so England's restaurants enjoy the long arm of the law
in London's West End and may even be addictive.  Now here's a
story about a restaurant in Brighton, England that has the
arguably the world's most devoted customer.
     Peter Johnson's favorite restaurant is the "All In One." 
Besides the fact that he eats there at least five days a week,
you can easily tell how devoted he is devoted to his preferred
little diner.  Why, you can see it on his face.  On his forehead.
     He has a tattoo with the restaurant's name, address and
phone number - not that it gets him any free food.
     "... Because he did it on his own free will," the All In
One's owner Nasser Bandar explains.  "But whenever he comes in,
he'll go straight to the front of the queue."
     The 49-year-old Johnson says the tattoo is no big deal.     
"Some people, including my family, think I am crazy.  But I like
tattoos, so why not?"  (AP)
          [ Reason Number 137: The restaurant might
          change its phone number. ]


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SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON IN SWEDEN?
----------------------------------
     There's something rotten in the state of Denmark.  Er... 
Make that, Sweden.
     That's where a new museum will be opening this year
dedicated to the preservation of the ancient Swedish art of
making "surstromming."  That will make this the first museum
dedicated to rotten fish.
     Long ago, fishermen in the Gulf of Bothnia learned how to
preserve herring by adding a small amount of salt and letting the
fish ferment.  But you probably have to be Swedish to appreciate
the smell and texture of surstromming, which means bitter
herring.  Of the 800,000 cans produced every year, only two
percent of are exported -- almost all to expatriate Swedes who
long for a taste of their homeland.  And a smell of their
homeland, too, since the sharp odor is most often dismissed by
non-Swedes as resembling dog poop.
     Perhaps that's the reason that the new $335,000 museum will
be situated well clear of human habitation, on a sparsely
inhabited peninsula of land in the Gulf between Sweden and
Finland.  (Reuters)
          [ The Swedes' neighbors the Norwegians have
          already sent their congratulations.  Easy for
          them; they're upwind. ]


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THE TAKEOUT RECORD...
------------------
     Everybody has a favorite restaurant, just ask Rachel Kerr.
     Rachel was on a vacation in Australia, about as far as it is
possible to get from her home in Newcastle, England without
involving space travel.  But she missed the particular culinary
skills of her hometown curry chef.
     She was half joking when she sent an Email to Britain's
Madaboutcurry web site asking for help, but the folks there in
the curry underground quickly swung into action.  In short order,
they arranged for the Rupali restaurant in Newcastle to put
together a mini-banquet for one to be flown all the way to Sydney
by messenger.
     "I don't think I have ever enjoyed food quite as much as
this," Kerr said as she dug in.  "I never dreamed for a moment it
would come to this."
     Apparently, the Brits are pretty understanding about dealing
with folks that have a curry monkey on their backs - everyone
involved agreed to do the job for free, from the restaurant to
the airlines and even the courier service.
     The four-day, 10,850-mile (17,500 KM) transglobal takeaway
set a new record for takeout food, according to the folks at the
Guiness Book of Records, who keep track of such gustatory trivia. 
It beat the old record, which was 6,752 miles (10,890 KM) for a
pizza delivery from New York to Tokyo.  (Reuters)
          [ Curry again!  Maybe that addiction stuff is
          true. ]


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TURNING THE TABLES...
------------------
     When we choose to dine at a particular eating establishment
we are judging that restaurant.  Maybe it is not a surprise that
the restaurant is also judging us.  The customer may be always
right, but sometimes it is the chefs that have a hard time
swallowing the weird things that guests request.  And it seems to
cause them almost physical pain, though they try to keep a sense
of humor about it.
     For example, Chef Ed Brown of the SeaGrill in New York's
Rockefeller Center had one customer whose mouth was wired shut
from dental work.  The customer wanted his meal run through a
blender.  Maybe that wouldn't have been quite as bad if the
patron hadn't ordered sauteed liver medium rare with honey glaze
and fried onions.
     "It was the most unappetizing food I ever served.  It was so
ugly I lost my appetite," Brown said.  "I didn't dare put it in a
glass because I didn't want anyone else in the dining room to see
it."
     Another of Brown's customers requested cocktail sauce with
his order of beluga caviar.  Curious about how these could
possibly go together, Brown observed the diner "slamming down
spoons of caviar and cocktail sauce.  The beluga was over $100 an
ounce."
     Jean Joho of Everest and Brasserie Jo in Chicago had a
customer who requested a raw veal chop with plain - uncooked -
vegetables on the side.
     "If this is what he wants, this is what he will get," Joho
said.  But he did wonder why the customer, having ordered
probably the world's first chef-prepared meal of raw food -
didn't just graze at a supermarket.
     In Atlanta, chef Guenter Seeger had a diner tell him that he
had enjoyed the steamed white asparagus but wondered why the soup
was so bland.  The "soup," Seeger said, was actually a finger
bowl of plain water served alongside the asparagus.
     And noted French chef Michel Richard of Citronelle in
Washington, D.C. tells about the time a diner asked for
Chinese-style duck in his French restaurant.  The chef asked in
his thick French accent: "Why do you come to a French restaurant
for that?  Do you go to a Chinese restaurant and order beef
Bourgogne?"  But he did his best to make a French style Peking
duck, laughing "... He liked it and maybe I created a new
recipe."  Richard said his sense of humor always saves him when
customers ask if vegetables and fish are fresh.  "Even if they
are not fresh, what do they expect me to answer?  'No, the fish
is old and smelly?"'  (Nation's Restaurant News)
          [ Who knows, maybe they'd like it that way. ]


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