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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #170 - 11/14/1999

JUDGEMENT FAILURES

SUNFUN Goes To Court For More Law & Disorder

Greetings, Legal Scholars!
     "Judge not, that ye be not judged," says the Bible (Matthew
7:1), but what about all of the folk whose job it is to try and
unravel the problems and injustices that come before them every
day?  Judges have a serious and difficult occupation, in their
continuing quest for truth and justice.  Most of them are
professional and responsible and stay awake for at least half of
the testimony.
     But the pace and progress of justice sometimes leaves you
wondering.  The law seems to grind on with a pace that makes it
amazing that cases are actually settled within a normal human
lifetime.   After years of plodding through the case, a U.S.
court last week decided that Microsoft IS really a monopoly.  Two
or three -- or more -- years to decide that?  It makes the lay
person wonder how long it would take the court to decide that the
sky is legally blue.  (Define: "Blue," it would say in the
appeal... ).  It reminds us that the legal system is only a
process and justice is only a goal.  Even when everything is on
track, judges still go a little goofy sometimes, just the same as
in other professions.  That's good for us here at SUNFUN, if not
for the defendants...  At least we can laugh at it.
     Thanks this week for the good judgement and continuing
support of:  fellow columnist Naomi Ogawa; Caterina Sukup; Rosana
Leung; Nnamdi Elleh; Jerry Taff; Tim McChain; Laura Hong Li;
Meredith & Yasmin Leischer; Ken Redmond; Carol J. Becwar; Peter
J. Adler; Kerry Miller; Alison M. Becwar; Ann Glomski; Joshua
Brink; Brian Siegl; M. & R. J. Tully; Fumiko Umino; Howard
Lesniak; Jan Michalski; Larry Sakar; Jack Gervais and Beth
Butler.  Hope all of the decisions in your life are found in your
favor.  Case dismissed!
     Have A Great Week,

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JUDGE NOT?  WELL, NOT ANYMORE...
-----------------------------
     Justice Sir Jeremiah Harman, voted one of the three worst
High Court judges in England, resigned earlier this year after a
stormy and varied career.  What prompted the sudden resignation
of the controversial judge was a Court of Appeals condemnation of
Harman's handling of a property dispute.  The appeals judges took
issue that Ex-Judge Harman spent nearly two years deciding a
simple property case.  The delay was one of the longest in
British legal history and prompted the loser's lawyer to accuse
Harman of losing some key documents and forgetting crucial
aspects of the case.
     A poll of High Court solicitors and barristers in Legal
Business magazine described Harman as "dreadfully rude to people
who are junior and inexperienced," and "very unpredictable and
nasty."
     As might be expected, this wasn't his (dis?) honor's first 
brush with notoriety.  A few years back, when a poll showed him
as the worst judge in England, he responded by kicking a man
outside the Old Bailey courthouse in the belief that the
bystander was a press photographer.  The man was actually a taxi
driver.  Unfortunately for the former judge, that scene was
caught on camera by the real media folks and shown on national
television.  (Reuters)
          [ You might say that he misjudged the
          public's outrage... ]

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ANOTHER PAGE OF LAW...
-------------------
     It happens everywhere these days, whether you are in the
theater, in a hospital or even in court: somewhere a pager starts
beeping and someone will jump up to race for the phone.  That's
just what happened in Judge Paul Feinman's courtroom at Manhattan
Criminal Court last February when defendant William Brown's pager
went off interrupting the proceedings.  Since Judge Feinman had
repeatedly warned people in his courtroom about noise, he gave
Brown the maximum punishment for beeper violations.
     He sentenced him to the chair.
     No, not THAT chair.  This chair is the one in the corner of
the courtroom where Brown remained handcuffed through the court's
90 minute lunch break.  Away from the phone.  In addition,
Brown's case was removed from the day's docket and re-scheduled. 
(Reuters)
          [ Considering the judge's reaction, it is a
          good thing for Brown that he didn't have a
          cell phone. ]


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MEANWHILE, IN STUPID CRIMINAL LAND...
----------------------------------
     Christopher Johns, on trial for drug possession in Pontiac,
Michigan claimed that police had violated his constitutional
rights because they had searched him without a warrant.  The
prosecutor in the case countered that the police who had
discovered the drugs during that search were just being careful. 
Since the bulge they saw in Christopher's jacket could easily
have been a gun, the police had the right to search him.
     Since it happened that Christopher was wearing the same
jacket he had been arrested in, the judge asked to examine it
before making his ruling on admitting the evidence.  On examining
the jacket for bulges, the judge found a package of cocaine.
     Reporters said that the judge laughed so hard that he had to
take a five-minute recess to compose himself.  (NOTW)


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UNAPPEALING...
-----------
     Convicted killer Robert Hunt filed an appeal to the Nebraska
State Supreme Court, saying that he thought he had received an
unfair trial since he was described in court as a "creepy, slimy,
sexual degenerate."  The one thing that especially upset Hunt was
that the description had been offered by his own lawyer,
apparently in an attempt to make the jury sympathetic.
     The jury apparently agreed with that opinion of the
defendant's character:  Hunt got a life sentence.
     The Supreme Court said that the statement didn't matter in
the case, but took no official position on its accuracy.


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LEGAL QUESTIONS...
---------------
     More quips from the transcripts of things people regret they
said in court:

     ----------------------------------------------------

     Judge:  "The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.  Are
          you the defendant?"

     Defendant:  "No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens."

     ----------------------------------------------------

     Judge (Questioning a potential juror):  "Is there any reason
          you could not serve as a juror in this case?"

     Juror:  "I don't want to be away from my job that long."

     Judge:  "Can't they do without you at work?"

     Juror:  "Yes, but I don't want them to know it."

     ----------------------------------------------------

     Defendant:  "Judge, I want you to appoint me another
          lawyer."

     Judge:  And why is that?

     Defendant:  Because the Public Defender isn't interested in
          my case.

     Judge (to Public Defender):  "Do you have a comment on the
          defendant's motion?

     Public Defender:  "I'm sorry, Your Honor.  I wasn't
          listening."

     ----------------------------------------------------

     Lawyer:  "What is your date of birth?"

     Witness:  "July fifteenth."

     Lawyer:  "What year?"

     Witness:  "Every year."

     ----------------------------------------------------

     Lawyer:  "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your
          memory at all?"

     Defendant:  "Yes."

     Lawyer:  "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"

     Defendant:  "I forget."

     Lawyer:  "You forget.  Can you give us an example of
          something that you've forgotten?"

     ----------------------------------------------------

     Lawyer:  "What was the first thing your husband said to you
          when he woke that morning?"

     Defendant:  "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

     Lawyer:  "And why did that upset you?"

     Defendant:  "My name is Susan."

     ----------------------------------------------------

     Lawyer:  "And where was the location of the accident?"

     Witness:  "Approximately milepost 499."

     Lawyer:  "And where is milepost 499?"

     Witness:  "Probably between milepost 498 and 500."

     ----------------------------------------------------

     Lawyer:  "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your
          red and blue lights flashing?"

     Policeman:  "Yes."

     Lawyer:  "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of
          her car?"

     Policeman:  "Yes, sir."

     Lawyer:  "What did she say?"

     Policeman:  "What disco am I at?"


     ----------------------------------------------------

     Lawyer:  "How old is your son - the one living with you."

     Witness:  "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
          which."

     Lawyer:  "How long has he lived with you?"

     Witness:  "Forty-five years."

     ----------------------------------------------------

     Lawyer:  "Did you blow your horn or anything?"

     Witness:  "After the accident?"

     Lawyer:  "Before the accident."

     Witness:  "Sure, I played for ten years.  I even went to
          school for it."


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HUMOR: THE LEGAL DEFINITION...
---------------------------
     Just to show that not every judge is so completely out of
touch, a U.S. Federal judge in New York issued a decision last
summer that set a legal precedent by defining what is a joke and
what isn't.
     The case involved a suit brought by one John D.R. Leonard,
who had seen a TV commercial the Pepsi-Cola company had run as
part of its "Pepsi Stuff" promotion.  In order to get the
merchandise offered by Pepsi, you had to collect the "Pepsi
Points" certificates that were included with various soda 
products.  Aimed at the teenage market, the commercial showed an
assortment of lamps, computers, toys and various clothing
products, with the number of points they required superimposed on
the screen, ending with a teenage boy being delivered to school
in his own Harrier military jet with the price, "7 million
points."
     The company also quietly allowed consumers to buy point
certificates for 10 cents each.  The company says that this was
so people who were a few points short of a desired item could add
a few points to get what they wanted.  Finding that he could buy
"Pepsi Points" and recognizing a good deal when he saw one,
Leonard put together financing and bought the required $700,000
in points from Pepsi.  Good Deal?  Harrier military jets usually
sell for something over $23 million each.  When Pepsi refused to
cough up, Leonard took them to court (do I say, "Of course"
here?).
     Federal Judge Kimba Wood called the claim ridiculous, saying
that the kid pictured sitting in the Harrier jet was "a highly
improbable pilot, one who could barely be trusted with the keys
to his parents' car, much less the prize aircraft of the United
States Marine Corps."  She called the notion of traveling to
school in a Harrier jet an "exaggerated adolescent fantasy."  It
was supposed to be funny, the judge concluded, and Pepsi didn't
have to give away the jet.
     Still not getting the joke, Leonard's lawyers said that they
would consider appealing to the Supreme Court, demanding that
their claim could only be fairly decided by a jury composed of
fellow members of the "Pepsi Generation."  (AP)


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LEGAL BRIEFS...
------------
     SUNFUN's spies in Seattle got a peek at Bill Gates' to-do
list when he left the courtroom after losing the Microsoft suit
last week.  It is clear from the list that he has a few things to
accomplish before filing the appeal.  The judge in the antitrust
trial against Microsoft ruled that the software company is a
monopoly and that it had illegally tried to crush potential
threats from competitors.

  -----------------------------------------------------------

     From the Desk of: Bill Gates

     ----- Things To Do Today -----

   - Try to change menacing cackle to more of a charming titter
     in press interviews.

   - Renegotiate deal with Satan Re: soul.

   - Call Walt Disney, Jr. to immediately cancel the $5000 or a
     free trip to Disney World offer.

   - Soundbite idea:  Dedicate my life to finding the *real*
     monopolists.

   - Call broker.  Divest all holdings in Atlantic City,
     especially Boardwalk and Park Place.

   - Investigate how much it would take to buy out government's
     share of U.S.

   - Create new corporate division in charge of sending flowers
     and candy to Supreme Court Justices.

   - Question:  Any islands near Seattle that could be declared
     independent countries?

   - Surf to JobOptions.com in case I need a new job.  Search: 
               Field = "Technology" 
               Salary >$25 Billion

   - Push "Start."  At prompt, choose "Shut Down" and then
     "Re-start Ego."

   - Have Steve Jobs leave bag of flaming dog poop on Attorney
     General's doorstep.

   - Sell Catholic Church and Christmas subsidiaries to raise
     quick cash.

   - Send message to mother ship:  "My job here is done."

   - Halt global economy by taking all money and going home.


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THE DEFENSE NOT ONLY RESTS, IT COLLAPSES...
----------------------------------------
     In Howard County (Louisiana) Traffic Court, a man was
defending himself on a parking ticket.  The man told the judge
that he shouldn't have been ticketed, because a uniformed county
policeman had said he could park there illegally.
     The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if
he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.
     "Good," the judge said.  "When you see that Officer again,
tell him he owes you $57.  Next case."


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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.