SUNDAY (FUNNIES) SCHOOL

A SUNFUN Look At Religion

Hello again, Pilgrims...
     I've commented in the past about the wide range of cultures
and geography this newsletter covers.  That goes for religions,
too.  Just a quick glance down our weekly list includes
Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Moslems, Hindus and many others,
even including a few atheists.  
     Religion is an inspiration to good people everywhere. 
Sadly, it is often an inspiration also to those who seek to
misuse religion's power and traditions.  I'll bet you didn't know
that famous lover Casanova,  monster dictator Stalin, and
'Penthouse Magazine' publisher Bob Guccione all studied for the
priesthood.  Or, that Adolph Hitler saw his first swastikas in the
monastery across the street from his childhood home (the now-
dreaded symbol was just a symbol of good fortune then).  Hitler
went to Catholic schools as a boy, and had considered becoming a
priest.  These are folks who only see religion as a way to cheat
the system.  A kind of "Jesus paid for our sins, now let's get
our money's worth" attitude.  The kind of attitude that makes
televangelists the spiritual equivalent of pro wrestling.
     This being Thanksgiving week, we'd be especially lax if we
didn't offer warm thanks to our friends and contributors,
especially:  Nnamdi Elleh, Caterina Sukup, Fumiko Umino, Peter
Adler, Hiroe Sugiyama, Anna Macareno, Yakari Kawabata, Larry
Sakar, Ellen Peterson, Carol J. Becwar, Meredith & Yasmin
Leischer, Tim McChain, Brian Siegl, Joshua Brink, Jerry Taff, Jan
Michalski and Paul Roser.  We take these spiritual matters so
seriously that we forget that God must have a sense of humor. 
Just think about penguins or pandas - these creatures seem to
have been invented just for fun.  And then there's US.  With our
prideful natures and false dignity, we must be far more amusing
to our Deity than monkeys seem to us.
     Have A Great Week,


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     Definition of Atheism: A non-prophet organization.

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IN THE DOG HOUSE...
----------------
     An old farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish
countryside except for the pet dog he dearly loved.  The dog
finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying
"Father, the dog is dead.  Could you be saying a mass for the
poor creature?"
     Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services
for an animal in the church."
     Seeing how sad the old farmer looked, the priest continued,
"I've an idea.  There's a new denomination down the road, and no
telling what they believe in.  Maybe they'll do something for the
animal."
     Farmer Muldoon said, "I'll go right now.  By the way,
Father, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the
service?"
     Father Patrick turned back and said, "And why didn't you
tell me the dog was Catholic in the first place?" 


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     If God is watching us, the least we can do is be
     entertaining.

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BIBLE BOO-BOO...
-------------
     A misplaced word in a 1631 printing of the Bible landed two
London printers in trouble with both the king and the church. 
The publishers barely avoided prison, but were fined three
thousand pounds - an incredible fortune equal to millions now. 
What did they do?  They left out the word "not" in one critical
place: the Seventh Commandment, which, in their edition of the
bible, became:
          "Thou shalt commit adultery."
     No surprise that their printing became known widely as the
"Wicked Bible."

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A HOLY TIME OF DAY...
------------------
     The Hindu holy day begins at sunrise, the Jewish holy day
begins at sunset, and the Christian holy day begins at midnight.

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SAINTS BE PRAISED...
-----------------
     Since John XV in 993 became the first pope to canonize a
saint, the Catholic church has dedicated hundreds - maybe
thousands - of worthy saints.  Widely misunderstood, these holy
folks are believed to intercede with God, becoming "friends in
the court."  As Richard Cardinal Cushing said, "The Saint chosen
acts in the role of sponsor for the person (people) in the courts
of heaven ... your firm friend before the throne of God."
     Though the model is that of a feudal society, the church is
still naming new patron saints - or reappointing old patrons for
new jobs.  And that is how the patron saint of computers and the
Internet ended up being St. Isidore of Seville, an obscure bishop
from Spain, who lived in the 6th Century.  St. Izzy was
apparently chosen because he was regarded as a progressive
scholar and writer of an encyclopedia that was one of the first
to include competing schools of thought from many cultures.  His
book was used as a textbook for nine centuries.  Too bad for him
that there was no way to arrange a better deal on royalties.
     There is a patron saint for nearly every place or profession
you can think of, and for quite a few you'd never imagine.  In
the long tradition of dedicating holy people there have been some
curious choices for patron saints:


----------

  Accountants - St. Matthew the Apostle - Because he was a former
          Roman tax collector.

  Actors - St. Genesius the Comedian (3rd Century)  He was an
          actor in a play that mocked Christians, when he
          suddenly was converted and refused to continue.  (Bad
          luck - Emperor Diocletian was in the audience and had
          Genesius beheaded.  Critics were far more severe in
          those days.)

  Advertising & Public Relations - St. Bernardine of Siena (1380-
          1444)  His great preaching skills associated him with
          public speaking and persuasion.

  Astronauts, Air Travellers & Aviators - St. Joseph of Cupertino
          (AKA the Flying Friar) (1603-1663)  Legend has it that
          he would sometimes begin to float when the spirit moved
          him.

  Bartenders - St. Amand (c.584-c.679)  

  Bees & Bee keepers - St. Ambrose of Milan (c.340-397)

  Chemists, Barbers and Hairdressers - St. Cosmas (d. c.303)

  Children - St. Nicholas of Myra (AKA Santa Claus)  OK, Everyone
          gets this one, even you Buddhists.  But Nick is also
          patron of pawnbrokers, longshoremen, maidens,
          pharmacists and Russia.

  Clowns & Circus Workers - St. Julian the Hospitaller

  Comedians - St. Vitus

  Florists & Gardeners - St. Dorothy of Caesarea (3rd-4th
          century)

  Hunters - St. Hubert of Liege (705-727)

  Insane People - Saint Dympna (c. 650)

  Ireland - St. Patrick (c.390-c.462)  Of Course!  Even though
          Pat was likely English by birth(!).  Many know that St.
          Pat is also the patron saint of engineers, but I'll bet
          even the most devout Irishmen don't know that the green
          guy is also the patron saint of Nigeria.

  Jockeys & Metal Workers - St. Eligius (588-660)

  Juvenile Delinquents - St. Dominic Savio (1842-1857)

  Lawyers and Backward Children - St. Hilary of Portiers (315-
          368)  
          [Maybe that should be Lawyers and OTHER
          Backward Children? ]

  Mountain Climbers & Skiers - St. Bernard of Menthon (c. 923 -
          1008)  Yes, he IS the guy the big slobbery dogs are
          named after.

  Pencil Makers & Scholars - St. Thomas Aquinas (c.1225-1274)

  Playing Card Manufacturers - St. Balthasar

  Plumbers - St. Vincent Ferrer (1350-1419)

  Protection Against Demonic Possession - St. Bruno

  Protection Against Dog Bite - St. Hubert 

  Protection From Fools, Clowns and Idiots - St. Mathurin
          [ Probably also good against politicians. ]

  Protection from Hernias - St. Catald 

  Protection from Vampires - St. Marcel of Paris.

  Servants "Who Break Things" - St. Benedict

  Sick Chickens - St. Ferreolus

  Stenographers - St. Cassian (d. 298)

  Stewardesses - St. Bona (by Pope John XXIII in 1962)

  Taxi drivers & Porters - St. Christopher 

  Telephones, Diplomats & Broadcasters - St. Gabriel the
          Archangel

  Television - St. Clare of Assisi   Why her?  She used to have
          visions.  It might have helped that she is also the
          saint invoked for a cure of sore eyes.

  Toy Makers - St. Claude de la Colombiere (1641-1682)

  Translators - St. Gotteschalk (d.1066)

  Ugly People - St. Drogo

  Waiters & Waitresses - St. Zita (1218-1272)

  Zoo Keepers - St. Francis of Assisi


------

But the busiest guy in heaven may not be a saint, but an angel:

     Michael the Archangel - Who is considered the patron
     of:  ambulance drivers; artists; bakers; battle;
     boatmen; Brussels Belgium; Caltanissett Sicily;
     coopers; Cornwall England; dying people; emergency
     medical technicians; fencing; Germany; greengrocers;
     haberdashers; hatmakers; holy death; knights; mariners;
     milliners; Papua New Guinea; paramedics; paratroopers;
     police officers; radiologists; radiotherapists;
     sailors; security forces; security guards; sick people;
     soldiers; Spanish police officers; storms at sea;
     supermarkets; swordsmiths and watermen.


And one that didn't make the cut -
     The Citizen's Committee for the Right to Keep and Bear Arms
asked the Vatican in 1987 to name Gabriel Possenti, a 19th
century Italian priest as the patron saint of handgunners.  They
chose him because the priest had disarmed some unruly soldiers in
1859 by grabbing away their gun and shooting the head off of a
nearby lizard to prove he was a dead shot.  The Vatican denied
the request.


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     "To give pleasure to a single heart by a single kind
     act is better than a thousand head-bowings in prayer."
                            - Saddi

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SAINT STINKY...
------------
     Joseph of Cupertino (1603-1663) took his vow of poverty
seriously.  After he became a monk in 1628, Joe mailed all his
underwear back to his mother, saying that his religious habit was
all he ever needed to wear.  And wear it her did - for more than
two years straight without ever removing it.


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     "Trust in Allah, but tie your camel." 
                            - Muslim Proverb 

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ACCEPT NO UNENLIGHTENED SUBSTITUTES...
-----------------------------------
     Deciding that prayer alone is not enough to protect their
special brand of enlightenment, the monks at a Buddhist temple in
Shanghai recently took out a trademark on the temple's name.
     According to the Wen Hui Daily newspaper, the Sanping Temple
in Pinghe county of southeastern Fujian Province took out legal
protection against misuse of the temple's name in advertising. 
The temple is a popular tourist site and the monks wanted to be
sure that no one would use the name for travel-related
businesses.  Not until the monks get their cut, anyway. 
(Reuters)


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     "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who
     said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees
     with your own reason and your own common sense."
                            - Buddha

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THE RING OF TRUTH...
-----------------
     A little boy was to carry the ring in a relative's wedding. 
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop,
and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and
groom's side).  Then, facing the crowd, he would put his hands up
like claws and roar.  So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step,
ROAR all the way down the aisle. 
     As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing
so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.  The little boy,
however, was getting more and more distressed from all the
laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the
pulpit.  
     When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I
was being the Ring Bear."


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     When we talk to God it's called prayer.  When God talks
     back it's called schizophrenia.

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MY PRAYER
---------
   - Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning 
     tomorrow at exactly 7:41:23 AM, E.S.T.

   - God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of
     them are REALLY hypersensitive.

   - God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even
     though they're usually NOT my fault.

   - God, help me to not try to RUN everything.  But, if You need
     some help, please feel free to ASK me!

   - Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it
     just right.

   - God help me to take things more seriously, especially
     laughter, parties, and dancing.

   - Lord help me not be a perfectionist.  (Did I spell that
     correctly?)

   - Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may
     be.

   - Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

   - God, help me to finish everything I sta

   - Amen


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