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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #169 - 11/07/1999

STANDARD DEVIATIONS...

Surveys Say That This Funnies Should Be Above Average

Hi again, Friends - 
     One thing about the modern world is that it is hard to ignore
the fact that you are being studied.  When you dial the phone, rent
a room at a hotel, fill out a warranty registration card, surf to
a particular website, buy something with a credit card, or a
thousand other everyday actions, someone is writing all of it down
to be studied later.  No wonder some folks feel a little paranoid
these days.  It is pretty hard to get away from the feeling that
you are being watched when you REALLY ARE being watched!
     Many studies have a definite commercial purpose, like buying
surveys, market studies and even TV ratings.  These are done for
the simple reason that somebody stands to make a buck on the
result.  But maybe the ideal studies for our purposes are all those
purely scientific research projects that don't quite know what they
want to discover.  They approach perfection by using the Zen ideal
of nothingness; they intend to find things out but they aren't
really about anything at all.  Or, maybe that's the Seinfield Ideal
of nothingness; watching so much TV lately has my philosophy little
confused.  These research boondoggles might be even funnier if
there weren't such huge amounts of tax money paying for them. 
Personally, I never remember being all that interested in finding
out how many people brush their pets' teeth.
     The latest surveys show that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of
the world's population.  Of those, far less than 1% own a computer
and even fewer contribute to Sunday Funnies.  So, Thanks and Hello
this week to the rare and valuable folks on our crack research
team, including:  Nnamdi Elleh; Laura Hong Li; Ria Chiu; Akiko
Ogino; Fumiko S. David; Fumiko Umino; Jerry Taff; Kerry Miller;
Naomi Ogawa; Jim & Beth Butler; Howard Lesniak; R. J. Tully; Peter
Adler; Tim McChain; Jan Michalski; Joe Macareno; Chuck Maray; Karen
J. Crooker; Meredith & Yasmin Leischer; Brian Siegl; Joshua Brink
and Larry Sakar.
     A big SUNFUN salute to all of those wonderful health studies
that show that if you watch your weight, exercise regularly, eat
carefully and be sure to get enough sleep, you still die.  Might as
well just have fun and enjoy it!
     Have A Great Week,

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     As part of an ongoing effort to combat rampant
     toplessness, the Houston, Texas City Council paid a
     professional researcher thousands of dollars to describe
     and detail why men's breasts are different from women's.

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     85% of the men who die while having sex are cheating on
     their wives.

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MAD ABOUT THE PLAID...
-------------------
     Never the ones to skirt an important issue, tailors in
Scotland have responded to market surveys about an important symbol
of Scottish culture - the kilt.  Studies show that the majority of
kilts on the market these days are poorly constructed and made with
inferior materials.  The country's kilt makers have founded their
own industry watchdog group to help stamp out the off-kilter kilts.
     "We felt there should be a kilt standard -- people were
complaining their kilts have been falling apart, and felt the
industry should be monitored," said Duncan Chisholm, founder of the 
Scottish Kilt Makers Association.  (Reuters)
          [ He's right.  Falling apart is extremely
          serious when you consider what's worn
          underneath kilts. ]


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     According to an advertising survey, 35% of the people who
     use personal ads for dating are already married.

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     Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently
     arrived immigrants.

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VIN VERY ORDINAIRE...
------------------
     We Americans often feel a sense of cultural inferiority when
we compare ourselves to older cultures.  I suppose that is common
when we grow up where the folk art forms are concrete lawn
ornaments and black velvet Elvis portraits.  But that feeling makes
it easy for us to believe that the French must all be true wine
connoisseurs, considering that they drink wine at nearly every meal
all of their lives.
     But that's not what a recent study of French consumers found. 
It turns out that two-thirds of the wine consumed in France is
bought at the supermarket.  The survey of 5,000 households found
that supermarket sales account for over 1.5 billion bottles of the
fermented stuff per year, with the average household spending 830
francs ($132) annually.  The study also determined that the average
price a Frenchman was willing to part with for a bottle to sip with
dinner was only 12.5 francs ($2), or less.  (Reuters)
          [ That is what happens when the gourmet factor
          meets the cheapskate factor. ]


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SHATTERING ANOTHER CULTURAL MYTH
--------------------------------
     Just as everyone knows that the French love wine, we all know
that the Brits love their tea.  So, where should you go to get the
best cup of tea in England?
     That's what the Tea Council, a tea industry watchdog group,
sets out to determine every year with its annual survey, sending
highly-trained professional tasters to England's best tea time
spots.  In particular, the top London hotels compete for the
coveted title of "Top Tea Place of the Year."
     Beating out all of the hometown rivals this year was the Four
Seasons Hotel, which made the perfect brew.  Four Seasons is a
Canadian company, quite and embarrassment to the upper-crust locals
at the Ritz and Savoy hotels.  But the perfect blend of tea and
ambiance doesn't come cheap, with afternoon tea at the Four Seasons
going for $27-$35 per person.  (Reuters)
          [ For that price, you could have wine.  Good
          wine, not that cheap French stuff. ]


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     A government transportation survey found that the U.S.
     state with the highest percentage of people who walk to
     work is Alaska

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LIFE VERSUS TIME
----------------
     How do we spend our lives?  According to a recent study, the
average person will spend:
          25 - years sleeping
          14 - years at work or in school
          12 - years watching TV
           5 - years socializing
           3 - years reading
           3 - years eating
           2 - years bathing and grooming
           1 - year on the telephone
          10 - months on the toilet
           5 - months having sex
          10 - years on miscellaneous activities (housekeeping,
               shopping, waiting in lines, walking, driving,
               entertainment, or doing nothing)


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     Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
     $6,400

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     On average, 61,000 people are airborne over the U.S. at
     any given time.  Though the study wasn't clear on this
     point, SUNFUN believes that most of these people are in
     airplanes.

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SHOW ME THE MONEY...
-----------------
     When some company is happy to tell the world about a study
they paid big bucks to conduct, you can be sure that it came out
just the way they thought it "should."
     That was certainly true of a recent study that claimed to be
seeking "the small, but important, conveniences of the 20th Century
that most people take for granted, but can't live without."
     Are you sitting down?  How appropriate.  The big winner was -
toilet paper.  
     The study noted that 49 percent of people chose t-p as their
greatest deserted island necessity, followed by food, which was
favored by only 31 percent.  The survey also settled one of the
great debates of the modern age, finding that most people (68
percent) like their toilet paper hung with the first sheet coming
OVER the roll.  Only 25 percent favored UNDER.
     It's not much of a surprise after that earth-shattering
revelation to learn that the study's sponsor was the giant paper
corporation Kimberly-Clark.
     Along the same lines, another study last year showed that
chocolates and cocoa-based products are good for your heart, and
don't raise cholesterol levels in the blood.
     "In cocoa powder, there are some minerals that are normally
found in wine.  These chemicals help fight cholesterol problems,"
a spokesman announced at a recent Asian cocoa and chocolate
conference in Phuket, Thailand.
     Not surprisingly, the research was sponsored by the chocolate
industry and the International Cocoa Organization.  (Reuters)
          [ Though the chocolate barons did object to
          the suggested headline, "Phuket: Eat
          Chocolate!" ]


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     Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
     Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
                            - Source, UN land use surveys

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WHO CARES ABOUT POLITICAL APATHY
--------------------------------
     You see so many articles in the news wondering how Americans
have become so cynical about politics.  While it is sometimes easy
to believe that most Americans think their politicians are crooks,
we apparently have nothing on our Japanese friends.  Japan's Asahi
Shimbun Newspaper found in a survey last year that fully 75% of
Japanese think that all of their politicians are corrupt, as
opposed to 32% of Britons and only 30% of Americans.
     In addition, the study found that Japanese distrusted their
members of parliament at double the rate that Americans distrust
Congress, with fully two-thirds of Japanese saying they didn't
believe their politicians.
     By comparison, only one-third of Americans who responded
thought that their Congressfolk were lying, self-serving weenies.
          [ If this large number of disaffected voters
          in Japan is true, can the "Lush Rimbaugh" show
          be far behind? ]


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     A survey by the Luntz Research Company in 1995 showed
     that a majority of females believe that Bob Barker,
     longtime host of the TV game show "The Price Is Right!,"
     understands the value of money better than their own
     congressperson.

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     Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear
     better.

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NET RESULTS...
-----------
     Some people live to surf the web.  So, who are these folks? 
The typical seriously addicted net-head is a nerdy teenager with
horn-rimmed glasses and a pocket protector, right?
     Not according to a study presented at a meeting of the British
Psychological Society late last year.  According to the study, the
new addicts of the Internet are women - most about 30 years old,
introverted and prone to depression.
     "Women seemed to be more addicted to the Net than men were. 
They showed more positive feelings about using the Net and higher
usage of the Net than men,"  Dr. Helen Petrie said about the study. 
"It goes completely against the stereotype."
     The study found the users who considered themselves addicted
logged on seven days a week and spent about 55 hours surfing,
sending e-mails and chatting.  People who enjoyed the Internet but
did not consider themselves hooked were on the Net about 28 hours
a week.
          [ Only 55 hours a week is addicted?!  Quick, I
          need a fix!  ]

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     In a recent survey, Americans revealed that their
     favorite smell is banana.

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     City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong.

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THE WRITE STUFF...
---------------
     You saw this one coming.  A recent computer analysis by a
handwriting expert proved what everyone already had guessed on
their own: doctors have really awful handwriting.
     The computerized handwriting study of health workers in
southern Wales showed that doctors regularly produce an unreadable
scrawl, even when asked to write neatly.  Doctors handwriting was
rated much worse than other professionals.
     "The age old prejudice people have about doctors' handwriting
is actually true," Ronan Lyons, a doctor with the Department of
Public Health in Swansea.  (Reuters)
          [ I asked my doctor her reaction about this
          survey.  She wrote back:  "Ne! Drs hsnhwfimg
          iz pcrEctlq roadshlc. Its tbe pts wbo sre hand
          to rcab." ]

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     Since 1994, the U.S. Congress has funded over $100
     million in electric vehicle research, without producing
     a single commercially practical vehicle.  Enough taxpayer
     money to give 10,000 people brand-new, low-polluting,
     regular cars.

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JUST WHEN THINGS ARE PICKING UP...
-------------------------------
     Want a life filled with danger and adventure?  Even more
dangerous than police or fire fighters?  Then you should become a
Florida garbage collector.
     A recent study conducted for the Florida Center for Solid and
Hazardous Waste Management determined that city salvage workers in
Florida suffered 90 deaths per 100,000 workers, making their jobs
the third riskiest in the U.S..  That puts them ahead of pilots,
movie stunt men or even cab drivers.  The only riskier professions,
according to the survey, are professional fishermen and lumber
jacks.
     Most common serious injury to the recycling engineers?  Hit by
one of the cars that swoop impatiently around stopped garbage
trucks.  (Reuters)
          [ All that money just to find that garbage
          collecting is a job that stinks? ]


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     The (U.S.) National Institute of Neurological and
     Communicative Disorders and Stroke spent $160,000 to
     study whether you can cast a spell on someone by drawing
     an "X" on their chest.  Answer: No.

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     "I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... 
     What was that conclusion, anyway?"
                            - Rich Jeni

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DOCTOR, IT HURTS WHEN I DO THIS...  ( * )
-------------------------------
     According to a recent medical study, what "... helps people
feel better when they are sick, helps improve circulation, relaxes
muscles, and is a natural anti-depressant?"  Dr. Stein Tyrdal,
President of the Nordic Society for Medical Humor, says that the
answer to life's ills is humor.
     Tyrdal, an orthopedic surgeon from Oslo, also said that the
best thing about this prescription is that, "Overdoses are
impossible."  The society claims that many doctors are finding that
their study is right and laughter really is good medicine.  And it
is cheaper than most other medications, too.
     As society member Dr. Niels Carl Loenberg said, "There's
nothing like sex, good food, music and humor to stay fit."  (AP)
          [ Finally, a diet you can really enjoy! ]

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               * "Well, then don't do that," the doctor answers.

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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.