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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #162 - 09/19/1999

OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS!

We Go To Work for Humor On The Job...

 TO:   The Sunday Funnies Staff
 FROM: billbb, Chairman of SUNFUN
 DATE: September 19, 1999
 RE:   OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS


Greetings, Fellow Wage Slaves...
     As much as there are jobs that you have always wanted, you
can be sure that there are jobs you'd never want.  One that I
always thought would be less than ideal was working as a pickup
driver for a diaper service.   Imagine being there late on a warm
rainy day in August in a truck with no air conditioning and about
a thousand pounds of dirty diapers in the back.  Well, you get
the picture.
     Most of us spend an amazing amount of time at work - overall
our working hours are second only to time spent sleeping.  Or
maybe we should allow for some overlap for who sleep on the job. 
Some police officers in New York recently got into trouble over
this when supervisors discovered that some coppers were going so
far as to bring blankets and pillows along on their nightly
shift.  But working usually brings more rewards than just money. 
A job well-done can be very satisfying in a good, positive
working environment.  Not that we'd keep doing it if they stopped
paying us.
     Thanks and Greetings this week to our wide-awake fellow
workers:  Beth & Jim Butler; Jerry Taff of WISN-TV12;  Dr. Eva Lu
Yu-Hwa of NYU;  Nnamdi Elleh of Northwestern University;  P.Y. &
Emmie Yen of Marvel Mart Trading;  Ellen Peterson of Johnson Wax; 
Carol Becwar of Dollhouse Miniatures Magazine;  Meredith & Yasmin
Leischer;  Nori Kreuser of Nori's Treasures;  Junji Taniguchi of
Princeton Review;  Kerry Miller,  Ann Glomski, and  Catherine
Cassidy of Camtronics Medical Systems;  Joshua Brink;  Timothy T.
McChain of the U.S. Department of Justice;  Dale Frederickson of
G.E. Medical Systems;  Hong Laura Li of Kraft Foods;  Sylvia
Libin He of PPG;  Josie Tong of Deluxe Data Systems;  and Fumiko
Umino (Who DOESN'T work for Maruchan Noodle Company!).  You folks
always do a great job in sending me material.  The fact that you
mostly send it during working hours will be our little secret!
     Have A Great Week (Even If You Do Have To Work)!

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THE DILBERT AWARDS...
------------------
     Ever see the "Dilbert" comic strip?  Its view of modern
office life is funny and has many real truths, even though the
theme of the strip is incredibly simple:  management = moron.
     But it is tough to defend some managers when they do such
incredibly stupid things.  One magazine even ran a contest where
workers submitted real-life examples of how bone-headed bosses
can be.  Here are a few we've collected for Funnies:


   - Several years ago, our plant went through a painful
     downsizing.  It took some time, but eventually operations
     settled out and we started to show a modest profit.
          A local newspaper did a positive story on our apparent
     recovery.  In the story, the reporter told our staffing
     levels before and after the layoffs.  Our manager sent the
     story to our corporate office.  But when the company CEO
     noticed the current staffing levels, he promptly sent a team
     out to lay off more people.

   - "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
     encounter."            - Manager, Lykes Lines Shipping Lines

   - "How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?"
                            - Programming intern, Microsoft IIS
                              development team

   - My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for
     Monday.  When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I
     would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.  He
     then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.  He
     said, 'That would be better for me.'"
                            - Shipping executive, FTD Florists

   - "Some years ago I worked for a City government personnel
     agency that was under a Federal Court Order to hire more
     minorities and women for the position of Police Officer. 
     Two positions had been added to our agency especially for
     minority and female recruitment.
          "During our annual recruitment for police officer
     candidates, I saw one of our clerical employees spending a
     considerable period of time explaining the City's
     recruitment and hiring process to a minority applicant, who
     was clearly unfamiliar with government forms.
          "Later that day I saw my Boss reprimand the clerk for
     being too polite and helpful to applicants."

   - "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the
     building using individual security cards.  Pictures will be
     taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards
     in two weeks.          - Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation
                              in Redmond, Washington.

   - One Software Engineer was upset when she learned that both
     of her male co-workers, with less experience and less
     education, were being paid 20% more than she was.  After
     finding a job that paid 30% more than she had been
     receiving, she resigned, giving low pay as a reason.
          "Those two guys are grossly OVERPAID and it is a
     problem.  But you should be happy to stay here. You ARE
     getting the market rate."

   - "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. 
     No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! 
     We've been working on it for months.  Now, go act busy for a
     few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell
     them."                 - R&D supervisor, 3M Corp.

   - "One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
     concerning a project I was working on.  I asked him if
     tomorrow would be soon enough.  He said, 'If I wanted it
     tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for
     it!'"                  - New business manager, Hallmark
                              Greeting Cards.

   - "Our boss was featured in a trade magazine, which is
     published in each of the fifty U.S. states.  The editorial
     content and cover were exactly the same for all of the
     editions, but with just the state name printed in tiny type
     in one corner of the cover.
          "Our boss had ALL FIFTY versions of this magazine
     cover, framed, and hung down the office hallway.  A tribute
     to an ego gone mad."

   - "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. 
     It should be used only for company business."
                            - Accounting manager, Electric Boat
                              Company

   - "This project is so important, we can't let things that are
     more important interfere with it."
                            - Advertising/Marketing manager,
                              United Parcel Service

   - "I am not making this up.  This bizarre writing is the
     closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a
     large communications company:  '(Company name) is
     endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on
     current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis
     on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the
     expectations of quality!'"
                            - Lucent Technologies


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COMPLETE LACK OF AMBITION DEPARTMENT...
------------------------------------
     Most companies try to put their best foot forward when
seeking employees.  Apparently, that's not the practice of the
Ita-Hameen Liikenne Oy  (Eastern Hame Traffic Ltd. - Hame is a
province of Finland).  Here is their classic ad from the
Helsingen Sanomat Newspaper on February 11, 1996:


     A TIRED AND BORING BUS COMPANY IS LOOKING FOR A LAZY
     AND SHIFTLESS PERSON FOR A POSITION WITHOUT ANY
     CHALLENGES WHATSOEVER.

     Ita-Hameen Liikenne Oy is headquartered in Heinola, far
     in Eastern Hame.

     Along with scheduled traffic, we try to rent buses for
     chartered trips.  We also own a few travel companies. 
     Since 1931, we've been attempting to offer our services
     in ever-contracting markets.

     We could sell more if someone could be bothered to do
     the boring job of customer acquisition.  And it doesn't
     necessarily take any knowledge of the field.  It's just
     another job someone's got to do.

     Sit down, get a cup of coffee, think slowly and
     carefully.  And if this still interests you, write an
     application and send it by February 16 of this year, at
     the latest, to CEO Matti Jaaskelainen, Ita-Hameen
     Liikenne Oy, Mustanportinkatu 19, 18200 Heinola.  We
     can't be bothered to answer phone calls.  You might
     also mention your salary demand, if you please.  Write
     "lazy and shiftless" on the envelope.

                            - Thanks to Teemu Leisti for the
                              Story and Translation


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ON THE JOB TRAINING
-------------------
     Fire fighters have a tough job that requires constant
training.  Last week, a group of fire recruits in Columbus, Ohio
set fire to an abandoned house as part of a training exercise in
fighting real fires.
     Unfortunately, they were busy enough fighting the fire they
set for training that they didn't immediately notice the flying
embers that spread the flames to a two-story house across the
street.
     Fire fighters rescued a bedridden man from the second fire
who was treated at the scene.  Fire Chief Mike Fultz said that
the unintended damage might be as much as $15,000.  (AP)


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JOIN THE NAVY AND SEE THE SEA?
-----------------------------
     Talk about minimum qualifications - a study by the Royal
Navy in Britain has come to the amazing conclusion that most of
the recruits they are getting can't swim.
     "Some are literally scared of the water," says Captain Chris
Tuffley, the Navy's director of physical training.
     Now the Navy could just put the best face on it and claim
that, since their ships never sink, the recruits have no need to
learn swimming.  But they have been after Britain's Education
Department to improve swimming classes for high school students. 
So far, the education folks have rejected the idea, claiming that
the standards in place are good enough.  (Reuters)
          [ Of course, the Education Ministry is also
          surprised that the Army still demands
          recruits who can walk. ]

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WE'RE SIDING WITH THE OWNERS ON THIS ONE
----------------------------------------
     Omaha, Nebraska has a fairly confusing system of street
addresses.  So confusing that sometimes mail is delivered to the
wrong address because one street number can be nearly the same as
an address blocks away.
     Recently, Jean Adkins and John Hassell came to realize just
how serious the address mixups could get, when they found that
their tan house was now about half white.
     A crew from a siding company came out while they were gone
and, finding a tan house of the right description, they went to
work.  Meanwhile, the couple who own the other tan house waited
all day for workers who never showed up to do the $6,000 siding
job they had paid for.
     The company doing the work, All Seasons Home Improvement of
Ralston, Nebraska, has said that they will re-side the house for
free.
     Only this time, they will let both owners choose the color
they want.  (AP)


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GAS PRICES TAKE A SUDDEN DROP...
----------------------------
     Police were amazed recently in Tortosa, Spain - though the
sun wasn't even up yet, there were long lines at the pumps at one
gas station.
     Checking closer on the fueling frenzy, police discovered the
simple answer - the clerk at the station had fallen asleep, and
hundreds of people had quietly filled up without paying.  Some
even called their friends to come and join in on the gas attack. 
That little nap cost at least $1,000 in purloined petrol.
     The comatose clerk is likely to be fired, of course.  But it
gets worse.  When police went into the station to rouse the
clerk, they discovered that he was already wanted on other
charges.  Last we heard, the clerk now has plenty of time to
sleep - in jail.  (Reuters)


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HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 1990'S?
--------------------------

   - You find yourself trying to enter your password into the
     microwave oven.

   - If you don't know what something is, you call it an 'issue'. 
     (If you don't know how it works, a 'process'.)

   - You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in
     years.

   - You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your
     family of 3.

   - The people in your online chat room have significant
     influence on your life decisions.

   - When you don't know how to do something, you 'empower'
     someone else to do it for you.

   - You E-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is
     ready.

   - You use a computer to chat several times a day with a
     stranger from South Africa, but haven't spoken to your next-
     door neighbor yet this year.

   - After any salary raise, you find you have less money at the
     end of the month than you did before.

   - You find that you can go anywhere you want if you just look
     serious and wear a lab coat.

   - You notice that every commercial on television has a website
     address at the bottom of the screen.

   - Your children have a better stock portfolio than you do.

   - You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date -- and
     now sells for half the price you paid.

   - You realize that if it wasn't for the last minute, nothing
     would ever get done.

   - Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

   - You have forgotten how to use real money to buy anything.

   - You consider 2nd Day Air delivery to be painfully slow.


  --- AND ---

   - You hear most of your jokes via E-mail instead of in person.


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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.