Hello, Fans...
One question I get all of the time is, "How do you manage to
write SUNFUN every week?" What they really mean is, how do you
devote all of the time to write it without your wife raising holy
heck? My secrets? Good organization and planning, a wise and
tolerant wife (it helps that she is a writer, too). But most
valuable of all is a fairly bent personality. I see life as
about 80% silly and about 15% stupid, which is almost as funny as
silly. The remainder is just depressing reality. Being either
hopelessly optimistic or joyfully psychotic, I can ignore that
part most of the time. Then there comes a time when I sit at the
computer trying to write funny and nothing happens - the famed
"writer's block." You sit staring at the screen feeling about as
humorous as a case of Ebola. For a couple of days straight.
This is no way to get out a column.
In desperation, I went to the Milwaukee appearance of my
idol, humorist Dave Barry. He writes a weekly column - which
immediately makes him OK in my book. He is also a good writer,
hilariously funny, and he makes gobs of money doing what I do for
practically nothing. (OK, I'll be honest - for nothing.) Yet
his life has had the same tragedies and outrageous fortunes that
happen to the rest of us slobs. I had to ask him the secret that
was eluding me: how does he write funny when he doesn't feel
funny? I hoped he could give me a simple, useful answer that
would get me going on this week's Funnies.
I arrived early and got a good seat - remembering to bring
something to read while waiting. I thought that holding a copy
of "Dave Barry in Cyberspace" might make it more likely that I'd
get to ask my question. After a suitably long time - and at
least three announcements that Dave Barry's latest book was
available for sale RIGHT NOW at the front counter - out came Dave
Barry. He is not very tall, and he looks to be about 25 years
old (he's really double that). But he has about a century's
worth of funny stories and he seems to get a lot taller as he
talks.
He launched into a very funny talk answering questions from
the crowd and doing a hilarious reading from his latest book.
Naturally, as a fan, I recognized some of the stories from his
columns, including the ones about "Booger the Stupid Manatee,"
"Why I Became A Writer," and the one about the very weird people
in Florida who lick a certain species of poisonous toad in order
to get high. (To coin a phrase: I am not making this up.) I
would quote from the speech here except that much of the talk
included snippets from his books and Dave Barry has better
lawyers than I do.
So there is my personal hero answering questions. I raised
my hand rather discretely, not wanting to yell something crass
like, "Hey, shorty!," or call too much attention to myself.
After quite some time - Dave Barry finally looked my way and said
the magic word, "Yes?" I actually started to say something
before noticing that Dave was looking slightly above me and to my
left. Following his gaze over my left shoulder, I saw a woman
behind me holding up her hand. On her index finger was a bandage
that made her finger about the size of a Coney Island hot dog.
Only white. Dave had called on the woman behind me, and even got
in a witty remark about the bandage. I was pretty embarrassed.
"Oh, I was just holding up my hand for him," she said,
pointing at me with the hot dog of doom.
That was worse. Now I not only needed help with my writing,
I needed help holding up my hand. My question now seemed about
as relevant as last Wednesday's soup of the day at Fred's Diner
in downtown Matoon, Illinois (Split Pea, if you who just have to
know). But I was desperate enough to continue and bleated out my
question: how DO you write funny every week, even when you
feel like something the cat dragged in. To his credit, Mr. Barry
gave a thoughtful, funny and intelligent reply. It ended with
wise advice that all modern writers can use: "I just sit there
long enough, and the cursor talks to me."
I guess you can never criticize great artists when they say
they are inspired by inanimate objects. Whatever method they use
to produce great art, or at least, lots of art, must work for
them. So, I have been sitting here listening to the cursor --
for the last three and a half hours.
It hasn't said anything. Not a word. Not a letter. Not
even, _____HA!_____YOU_____CAN'T_____WRITE_____. Which leads me
to believe that I have to find out what brand of computer Dave is
using. Or, maybe, whether he's been out licking the toads.
Thanks this week for the support and contributions of:
Laura Hong Li, Josie Tong, Eva Lu, all our friends in Taiwan,
Carol Becwar, Caterina Sukup, Jerry Taff, Nnamdi Elleh, Kathleen
Beckmann, Beth Butler, Fumiko Umino, Dan & Barb Butler, Joshua
Brink, Meredith & Yasmin Leischer, Dale Frederickson, Steve
Smith, Peter Adler, Catherine Cassidy, Timothy McChain, and to
Dave Barry, who didn't even know he was helping. Special Thanks
also to Sylvia Libin He, for helping me to understand. Now you
folks read along for some great quotes and I'll just sit here
listening to the cursor.
____Have____A____Great____Week____!
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you
in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark
violently at nothing right in your ear."
- Dave Barry
A blank page is God's way of showing you how hard it is to
be God.
- Anonymous
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning
regardless of what time it is."
- Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer,
on the training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota.
"It's so beautifully arranged on the plate - you know
someone's fingers have been all over it."
- Famous chef Julia Child
"I think the president believes that it's a bad habit but
it's a habit he hasn't broken."
- White House spokesman JOE LOCKHART
when asked if PRESIDENT CLINTON's
cigar-smoking sends a mixed message
to children.
[ Pretty well sums up his whole career,
doesn't it? ]
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general
manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general
manager, on his team's 7-27 record
in 1992.
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
- Sue Murphy
"A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."
- One of the "old Polish Sayings"
from the TV Show "Banacek."
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have
been more specific."
- Jane Wagner
"Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes."
- Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
"The surest sign that there's intelligent life in the
universe is that they've never attempted to contact us."
- Woody Allen.
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
- Unknown
"Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of
traveling."
- Margaret Lee Runbeck
George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening
night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the
note: "Bring a friend, if you have one."
Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused
himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached
the following: "Please send me two tickets for the next
night, if there is one."
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an
optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
"Fools learn nothing from wise men, but wise men learn much
from fools."
- Johann Kaspar Lavater
"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have
very few virtues."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are."
- Unknown
"Children are unpredictable. You never know what
inconsistency they're going to catch you in next."
- Franklin P. Jones
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of
the time he will pick himself up and continue on."
- Winston Churchill
"Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired."
- R. Geis
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's
funeral."
- Kehlog Albran
"Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to
set a bad example."
- La Rouchefoucauld
"To be good is noble. To tell people how to be good is even
nobler and much less trouble."
- Mark Twain
"He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will
be known far and wide as a smart ass."
- Howard Kandel
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement.
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another
profound truth."
- Niels Bohr (1885-1962)
"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only
advise his clients to plant vines."
- American architect Frank Lloyd
Wright (1868-1959)
"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there."
- Sports hero Yogi Berra
"You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be
witty."
- Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."
- Voltaire (1694-1778)
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want
to achieve immortality through not dying."
- Woody Allen (1935- )
"[Computer] Programming today is a race between software
engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof
programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and
better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
- Rich Cook.
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going
to be an uncle or an aunt."
- Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State
basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared
nervous at practice.
"It is better to be quotable than to be honest."
- Tom Stoppard
"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is
simple, neat, and wrong."
- H. L. Mencken
"I really didn't say everything I said."
- Yogi Berra
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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