GIVE US A SIGN!

A Collection of Silly Signs...

Hello again, readers!
     All of us need a certain amount of direction in our lives. 
Occasionally, we all need to determine where we are and where we
stand.  On the emotional side, that support comes mostly from
friends and relatives.  But in normal life, the most common
source of direction is the posted, printed word - that is: signs.
     We commonly use the word sign whenever we are talking about
a symbol.  So we sign on, sign up, sign off, co-sign a loan, show
a sign, give the high sign, sign a document, we may even have a
significant other.  We are surrounded by signs - almost buried by
them.  It's enough to give you a sinus headache.  Naturally, a
few of those signs don't quite carry the message intended - and
that's where we go to work.
     Special Thanks this week to all of the friends and relatives
that sent material and provided support, this week including:
Rosana & Stanley Leung (plus Jessica & Michael); Caterina & Jim
Sukup (also Matthew & Catherine); Josie Tong (& Tiffany); Sylvia
Libin He (& Selene); Carol Becwar (and Alison & Mark); Helen Yee
(& Wayne); Laura Hong Li (& Derek); Tan Attila; Peter Adler;
Joshua & Anna Brink; Meredith & Yasmin Leischer; Beth & Jim
Butler; Timothy T. McChain; Ann Glomski; Celil Guclu; Kiyomi
Kanazawa; Fumiko S. David, Fumiko Umino and Jerry Taff.  Now
follow that sign up ahead and we're off.  You might even call it
humor by design.  (Ouch! Sorry...)
     Have A Great Week!


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SIGNS OF CRIME...
--------------
     When his home was burglarized for the third time in as many
months, Jose Herner had had enough.  So the Santa Rosa, Argentina
resident did the only effective thing - he put up a sign.  And a
very polite one, at that:
          "Messrs thieves. Don't waste your time, I
          have already been robbed three times.  There
          is nothing left.  Thanks."
     The simple cardboard sign did seem to work, according to
Argentina's state-run news agency Telam, but it had an unexpected
side effect.  Eight of Herner's neighbors reported that their
homes had been robbed since he put up the sign.  (Reuters)


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STRANGE SIGNS SEEN -
------------------

   - A sign on a restaurant in Stevens Point, Wisconsin:
          WE ARE OPEN  SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE
                    (The road in front of the restaurant was
                    under construction)

   - On route 20, west of Albany, NY there is a sign advertising
     the Howe Cavern tourist site that reads:
          WORLD FAMOUS SECRET CAVERNS AHEAD

   - Sign on the back of the trucks from the Erv Julien Window
     Shade Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin:
          A BLIND MAN DRIVES THIS TRUCK

   - Sign in a Laundromat in London:
          AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:  PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
          CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

   - In an office:
          WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
          PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

   - In an office:
          AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
          UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

   - In Riverdale, New York there are street signs that read: 
          NO PARKING RULES WILL BE ENFORCED
 
   - A sign in a Westchester, New York supermarket - which must
     be patronized by far too many lawyers - had the notice:
          THIS IS THE EXPRESS LANE.   YOU ARE LIMITED TO FIFTEEN
          ITEMS OR LESS.  THE NUMBER FIFTEEN IS NOT SUBJECT TO
          NEGOTIATION.

   - Sign in the maternity ward of a Florida hospital:
          NO CHILDREN ALLOWED

   - Christmas notice in a department store toy department:
          FIVE SANTA CLAUSES, NO WAITING.

   - In a New Jersey restaurant: 
          OPEN 11AM TO 11PM MIDNIGHT

   - A large sign in a Pennsylvania cemetery reads: 
          PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY
          BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

   - A sign along California's Pacific Coast Highway:
          NO MOTORIZED BICYCLES, HORSES OR DOGS ALLOWED ON PIER
               [ Motorized dogs? ]

   - On Interstate 5 North in San Diego, one of those big green
     information signs reads: 
          CRUISE SHIPS USE AIRPORT EXIT.
               [ No wonder they have a traffic
               problem... ]

   - There is a sign on the town common in Franklin,
     Massachusetts, that reads:  
          NO UNAUTHORIZED TRESPASSING AFTER NINE PM. 
               [ So, just how do you become an
               authorized trespasser? ]

   - A sign on a ski lift give this serious notice:
          GOING BEYOND THIS POINT MAY RESULT IN DEATH AND/OR LOSS
          OF SKIING PRIVILEGES. 
   - On the door of an English church:
          THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.
          (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.  PLEASE
          USE SIDE DOOR.)

   - An English sign in a German cafe:
          MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

   - When the Prince of Wales came to town to dedicate a new town
     hall, the local council put up this notice:
          THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.  IT WILL REMAIN
          CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED.  OPEN TOMORROW.

   - Outside a photographer's studio:
          OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

   - In the window of an Atlanta clothing store: 
          SID'S PANTS IS OPEN

   - In a New York jewelry store:
          GENUINE FAUX PEARLS

   - In a Boston, Massachusetts fast-food restaurant parking lot:
          PARKING FOR DRIVE-THROUGH CUSTOMERS ONLY 

   - Notice posted in a Dayton, Ohio barbershop:
          DURING VACATION OF OWNER, A COMPETENT HAIR STYLIST WILL
          BE HERE

   - The library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honors American poet
     Robert Frost, giving us the sign:
          FROST FREE LIBRARY

   - A sale sign in a grocery store had this impossible bargain:
          SNICKERS, 5 FOR $1.00. (LIMIT 4)

   - On a dock in Juneau, Alaska:
          SAFETY LADDER, CLIMB AT OWN RISK.

   - A sign posted near the basketball court in the Gastonton,
     North Carolina, YMCA: 
          ANYONE CAUGHT HANGING FROM THE RIM WILL BE SUSPENDED

   - On a Rapid City, South Dakota bait shop:
          GIVE THAT BRIDE A GOOD CASE OF WORMS OR OTHER FINE BAIT 

Sometimes, a sign starts out saying the right thing, but runs
into a little maintenance problem, like:

   - NASTY RESTAURANT (It was the "Dynasty Restaurant," but first
     two letters in the neon sign burned out.)

     or, the

   - OPEN HEART RESTAURANT in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin (Which was the
     "Open Hearth" until a windstorm took off the final letter).


   - A sign outside a New York medical building proclaims: 
          MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTER

   - A notice in a motel laundry room: 
          DO NOT PUT WET CLOTHES IN DRYERS, AS THIS CAN CAUSE
          IRREPARABLE DAMAGE.

   - A sign seen on a restroom hand dryer at O'Hare Field in
     Chicago: 
          DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

   - At the old Tiger Stadium in Detroit there used to be a sign
     above the entrance to the visitors clubhouse that read: 
          VISITORS CLUBHOUSE, NO VISITORS.

   - The spectacular Royal Gorge in Colorado has a weird sign
     that may be a joke.  The bridge over the gorge is pretty
     spectacular; it is over 1,000 feet (300 meters) over the
     Arkansas River, and the river looks like a tiny thread
     across the landscape.  In the middle of the bridge, opposite
     the sign that says "Arkansas River 1053 Feet," there is a
     small sign the says "NO FISHING FROM BRIDGE."

   - In a New Hampshire jewelry store: 
          EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT.
               [ No, I really prefer to drop them
               off... ]

   - Road sign on a highway in Tennessee: 
          TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD
          IS IMPASSABLE.

   - In downtown Boston: 
          CALLAHAN TUNNEL / NO END.

   - Sign on a seafood restaurant in Maine:
               LIVE LOBSTERS
               DANCING NIGHTLY

   - Ethnically confusing sign on the door of a restaurant in
     Ellsworth, Maine:
          THE INDIAN TRADING POST WILL BE CLOSED FOR YOM KIPPUR 

   - In a Grand Rapids, Michigan restaurant:
          HALF BAKED CHICKEN
   - Sign in a London department store:
          BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

   - Outside a disco:
          SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.  EVERYONE
          WELCOME.

   - Take this as a warning:
          QUICKSAND.  ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE
          DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

   - Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire, England parish:
          DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND
          VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE
          GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER 

   - Notice in health food shop window:
          CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

   - Spotted in a wild animal park:
          ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

   - A sign posted at a business conference:
          FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE
          IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

   - Sign seen in a dry cleaner's window:
          ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30
          DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

   - A sign on the door of a repair shop:
          WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. 
          (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

   - Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
          TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


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SIDE-BY-SIDE...
------------
     Any good salesman will tell you that sign placement is
extremely important.  You have to put your sign where people can
see it, but then you have to hope that the sign next to it
doesn't make yours look stupid.
     Way back in 1968, Richard Nixon was running for president
with the campaign slogan "Nixon's the One!"  Now that slogan is
innocent enough, right?
     But along one highway in Ohio, there was a much more
interesting combination with a public service message:

     ONE OUT OF EVERY FOUR AMERICANS        NIXON'S
     HAS SOME FORM OF MENTAL ILLNESS        THE ONE!


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SIGNING OFF...
-----------
     This sign story involves one of those large, lighted
advertising signs on little trailers that can be set up for
temporary messages.  One school in Louisville, Kentucky thought
that was a fine concept, and rented one of those signs at the
start of one school year to put up the message:

          WELCOME BACK STUDENTS

     A nice enough sentiment, but one that would have made more
sense if the school in question wasn't the Kentucky School for
the Blind.


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OH, DEER!
--------
     In the past few years, many people have moved far out into
the countryside into semi-rural areas.  And they are often faced
with problems they didn't have in the city.  One of our contacts
reports that recently, a new resident in one such country setting
called the town hall very upset about one of the road signs, and
demanded that it be moved.
     The sign in question was one that said DEER CROSSING.  The
guy wanted the sign moved because too many deer were being hit by
cars when crossing the road there...


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