Welcome Back, Funnies Fans...
One of our most popular features here at SUNFUN Central is
the Stupid Criminal Files. When you read the news or watch TV,
it's easy to get the feeling that crime is out of control, even
though the overall crime rate is falling. Which makes it all the
more comforting to realize that such a large number of those who
would do evil are dumb as a bag of hammers.
Of course, every crime hurts someone, and SOME crimes are
never funny. But there is always an enjoyable irony in watching
the bad guys do themselves in. It just gives you a warm fuzzy
feeling to know that the people you fear are that clueless. So
much so that there is even a TV Show called "America's Dumbest
Criminals" which highlights the more ridiculous side of crime.
I suppose a philosopher could argue that the crook's first
stupid move is in getting into crime in the first place. But it
is undeniable that there are a few crooks who make a reasonable
living at it, such as certain con artists, most politicians, and
those guys who sell rip-off products on late-night TV. And what
does it say about our culture that, among these three, the group
with the highest level of respectability is the con artists.
Maybe it's just that the con men are more honest about being
dishonest. After all, you've never heard a con man steal your
money in the name of patriotism.
Thanks this week to the SUNFUN crack detective squad, whose
efforts uncover some of America's Funniest Stories. Special
Kudos to: Sylvia Libin He, Jerry Taff, Laura Hong Li & Rich for
a moving experience, Fumiko Umino, Naomi Ogawa, Alison Becwar,
Timothy T. McChain, Meredith & Yasmin Leischer, Howard Lesniak,
Joshua Brink, Ellen & John Peterson, Ria Chiu, Paul Roser,
Patricia Vanderveen, Beth Butler, Kerry Miller, Kiyomi Kanazawa,
Celil Guclu, Nancy & Gerry Wohlge, Larry Sakar, Sarah & Jeff
Morsman, Kathleen Beckmann, Brian Siegl, Caterina Sukup and
Rosana Leung. Say, is it my imagination, or are there really
more of you these days? If the Thanks You's get much longer, I
may have to go to initials - though that brings up the question
of how I'd distinguish Junji Taniguchi from Jerry Taff if both
contributed in the same week. At least it's not a crime...
Have A Great Week!
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OUR SEARCH FOR THE DUMBEST BANK ROBBER CONTINUES...
------------------------------------------------
An amazing number of fleeing felons seem to go out of their
way to make it easy for the police to locate them by behaving
strangely after a crime. Psychologists claim that it is the
person's guilt that causes them to give themselves away, but I
suspect that the root cause is simple stupidity.
Take the case of one Darryl Ellis from Gulfport,
Mississippi, who was arrested on the charge of disorderly
conduct. He first came to the attention of Police when they saw
him urinating in public. Then, when he emptied his pockets for
booking in the local jail, police found a note among his personal
items. The paper turned out to be a holdup note from a bank
robbery that had occurred in a nearby town a day earlier. Ellis
has now been charged in that robbery.
"We're fortunate that some of these crooks aren't too
intelligent," said Gulfport police Capt. Steve Barnes. (Biloxi,
Mississippi Sun Herald / Reuters)
[ No word on whether the attention-getting
Mr. Ellis was pissed at hearing that
assessment of his intelligence. ]
----------
Then there's the case of Chad Michael Keller of Kearney,
Nebraska, another contender in our least successful bank robber
category.
Keller was recently sentenced to seven months in prison and
$2,500 in restitution for a string of four bank robberies in 1997
and '98. Three of those robberies were at the same bank, the
Security State Bank in Sumner, Nebraska.
Total take for all four robberies - $10.
It gets worse - Keller had to share the take with his
partner, Michael Shawn Harrel, who will be sentenced in November
after pleading guilty. (AP)
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THE CASE OF THE SUSPICIOUS SNAKE SMUGGLER...
-----------------------------------------
In order to get away with a crime, it is critically
important not to look suspicious. Police in Panama City, Florida
arrested James Collison after he apparently violated that rule -
along with a few other laws.
Clerk Regina Creamer of the Bird World Pet Shop became
suspicious that Collison was shoplifting after seeing him
behaving oddly in the store. When she confronted him, he denied
that he had stolen anything.
He might have gotten away with that denial if a milk snake
hadn't chosen that moment to climb out of his pants pocket,
followed almost immediately by a boa constrictor that peeked out
from under his shirt.
"It was hilarious," Ms. Creamer said. "He kept saying he
wasn't taking anything, but those snakes were just moving around
and one was under his shirt, and he was doing all kinds of
strange things and trying to keep it in there."
Even stranger than smuggling snakes under his shirt was
Collison's explanation to police for his herpetological
interests. According to Collison, he found the 3 1/2 foot (1.2
meter) long snakes loose in the store and just put them in his
pockets for safekeeping until he could find a store employee.
Regardless of the denial, Collison pleaded no contest on the
charge of grand theft, snakes and was sentenced to two years of
house arrest. (AP)
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COOL CUSTOMER...
-------------
Staying cool under questioning is another important skill
the would-be criminal has to learn. Some of them learn the hard
way.
A Pennsylvania state trooper stopped a car for speeding
along I-70 in Washington County recently, and was in the process
of writing the driver a routine warning ticket when he noticed
how nervous the driver and passenger were acting as they stood at
the side of the road talking.
Half joking, Trooper Jeffrey Seeley, asked the pair if they
had any drugs or guns.
That's when passenger Marlon Martez Lee, who was sitting on
a highway guardrail, reacted badly.
"When I asked him if he had drugs or guns or anything
illegal, he fainted," Seeley said. "He just rolled right back
over the guardrail."
Lee wasn't hurt, and wasn't out for long, but it was long
enough. Police uncovered the largest drug cache in Washington
County history in the back of the rented car - twenty pounds (10
kg.) of cocaine valued at over a million dollars. (AP)
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THE GETAWAY...
-----------
A thief in Cordoba, Argentina, one Hector Videla, is accused
of stealing money and other belongings from a woman in a parked
car parked at a lakeside resort. When the woman started
screaming, he started running, with police in hot pursuit. To
escape police, Videla jumped into the lake.
This might have been a more successful move if Videla could
swim.
Argentine police fished out the floundering felon and are
letting him drip-dry in jail pending a hearing. (Reuters)
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THE BIG SCORE
-------------
Counterfeiters depend on their victims being unable to tell
their home-printed funny money from the real thing. So, here in
the U.S. the most commonly counterfeited bills are the $20 and
$50, which are large enough to be worth the effort, but small
enough to be common. It is always dangerous for a crook to try
to pass a large bill that attracts too much attention.
Which brings us to Nugussie Bulti, described by police in
Sioux Falls, South Dakota as a transient.
Police were called when Bulti tried to book a hotel room
with a $1 billion bill bearing the portrait of John F. Kennedy.
Bulti was not charged with passing counterfeit money,
however. He was only arrested for possession of a suspended
drivers license. Apparently no one had taken his big money bill
seriously, and this was one time when he was fortunate not to ask
for change. (AP)
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HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT...
---------------------
Nearly everything we do has to be done in a certain order to
be successful - you have to bake a cake before you frost it,
right? It seems that successful a crime follows the same rules
of order.
Take the case of the 44-year-old bank robber in Aldergrove,
British Columbia (Canada), who stood patiently in line with the
other customers. While he waited, he made preparations for the
upcoming robbery by putting a nylon stocking on his head wearing
it like a hat. He did this in full view of the other people
waiting in line.
When his turn at the teller window came, the bandit pulled
the stocking down over his face, pulled a knife and demanded
cash.
Several bank customers, who had witnessed the man's peculiar
choice of fashion, decided that anyone THAT stupid couldn't be
much of a threat. They tackled him as he tried to leave the
scene and held him for police - who arrived very quickly since
the bank is nearly next door to a police station. (Reuters)
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FUTURE IMPERFECT...
----------------
Convicted drug dealer Bernardo Arroyo had a problem: he was
facing at least ten years in prison after conviction on charges
that he was associated with a distribution ring in Modesto,
California. But Federal prosecutors had offered him a deal that
would have reduced his sentence to just two years. Arroyo
rejected the deal - he had inside information that he would never
spend a day in jail.
Though prosecutors offered Arroyo a jury trial, he said that
he preferred to make his case just to Federal Judge Oliver W.
Wanger. Arroyo had inside information that Wanger would give him
a better deal than any group of twelve.
And what was the source of Arroyo's enlightenment?
His psychic.
Apparently, though, the medium's connection with the spirit
world is a little rare: Arroyo was convicted and faces a long
stretch in prison.
Maybe he should have taken the psychic up on the offer to
put a curse on the District Attorney and police involved in the
case. That would have cost an extra $8,000, but Arroyo
apparently decided that spending the extra cash was unnecessary.
That was a bad prediction, too. (AP)
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BASIC INSTRUCTIONS...
------------------
There are two important things to learn about handcuffs.
The first is never to lock them on yourself unless you know
where the key is located. That's what Chandler, Arizona resident
Sean Barry did recently. Unable to get free, he phoned police
for assistance.
The police were more than happy to help, especially when
they discovered that Barry had an outstanding arrest warrant.
Pleased to find the self-capturing Mr. Barry ready for transport,
they quickly escorted him away in his own cuffs.
Oh, yes! The second rule about handcuffs is: if you are
wanted by the police, they will remove the cuffs, but only once
you are safely locked away.
Police said that they weren't sure why Barry put the
handcuffs on in the first place. But they were happy that he
made their job easier. (Reuters)
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I CONFESS!
---------
A man named Vernon Smith appeared with his ex-girlfriend on
an episode of the Ricki Lake TV talk show. The title of the show
was supposed to be "Today I Demand to Know Why You Dumped Me."
Instead, the topic became "True Confessions."
The producers were happy to find a couple with so many
problems to fill out their show. Couples screaming at each other
is just what the Ricki Lake Show does best. Smith had even
called police about ex-girlfriend Carla Nina Hooper, accusing her
of vandalizing his car and apartment. But she denied it and
there was no evidence linking her with the crimes.
As tape rolled, Smith's ex-girlfriend gleefully recounted
how she had slashed his waterbed, broken his mirrors and car
headlights and ruined the car's engine by putting sugar in the
gas tank.
Having confessed in front of the TV audience, Hooper was
quickly taken into custody, with a videotape of the show as
evidence. Deputy Robert Larson of the Orange County Sheriff's
Department said that he had never heard of anyone confessing on
TV before.
"This is highly unusual. For someone to go on national TV
and confess to a crime here, it is not of the norm," he said.
(Reuters)
[ Obviously, he doesn't watch many of those
really trashy TV talk shows... ]
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A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY
---------------------------
It is always useful for folks who want to break the law to
have more than one identity. And probably the best way to get a
really good fake name is to steal one that belongs to someone
else.
Except that can have unexpected results if you aren't
careful whose identity you steal.
A visitor from Mexico stole the identity of an American
visiting Mexico in order to sneak into the U.S. undetected. But
when the man presented his bogus documents at Oakland
International Airport, he got quite a shock. Unknown to the
imposter, he had stolen the identity of a fugitive wanted for
felony burglary and carrying concealed weapons.
"This guy basically cloned the identity of a wanted
fugitive," a Customs Service spokesman said. "It seems like kind
of a loser thing to do." (Reuters)
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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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