Hi, gang!
It always sounds more honorable to claim necessity as the
mother of invention than to claim that inventors are just
creatively lazy. Even though making a hard job easier is a major
part of inventing. Take the case of a young man from Wisconsin
around the turn of the century. He and his friends were
picnicking out on an island when his girlfriend developed a taste
for ice cream. Anxious to show off his muscles, he gallantly
offered to row across the lake to get some. Of course, by the
time he rowed all the way back, he had nothing but a milky soup.
Within a couple of weeks, the humiliated boyfriend had cobbled
together a gasoline motor that could be attached to the back of a
rented boat. Pretty soon, Ole Evinrude could afford all the ice
cream he wanted. Maybe I was wrong about the laziness. Maybe
invention is just a good way to get girls.
Now, Edison was a great inventor, and pretty sharp at
putting odd ideas together into something completely new, but he
was also quite a sharp self-promoter and egotist. He could never
admit that he was wrong, and sometimes used rigged tests and
deceptive practices to undercut his rivals and make himself look
better. And you thought that modern flashy packing was a new
concept.
Our SUNFUN fans have always been a great source of
innovation. Thanks this week our friends: Bernie Becwar; Nnamdi
Elleh; Kiyomi Kanazawa & Celil Guclu; Rosana Leung; Laura Hong
Li; Akiko Ogino & Chuck; Sylvia Libin He; Jim & Beth Butler;
Jerry Taff; Brian Siegl; Caterina Sukup; Catherine Cassidy; Shawn
Mullen; Kerry Miller; Anna Glomski; Joshua & Anna Brink; Meredith
& Yasmin Leischer; Ellen Peterson; and Howard Lesniak. And to
all those inventors out there who keep coming up with products to
make the world interesting - and fun!
Have An Innovative Week,
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your
sources."
- Albert Einstein
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IT'S ONLY FAIR TO WARN YOU...
--------------------------
Many would-be inventors promote their newest ideas at
invention fairs held around the world. Many well-known and
money-making inventions have been introduced to the public (and
to potential investors) this way. But is the world really ready
for some of these?
- Helium-filled furniture designed to give a house more space
by floating up to the ceiling when not in use. Which is
fine if you have 15 foot (5 meter) ceilings.
- Musical condoms that burst into song when the right pressure
is applied.
- A musical toilet seat from Switzerland that plays music to
go with the design on the lid -- the demonstration units
played the song "New York, New York" for a picture of Louis
Armstrong and soothing cowbells for one painted with a Swiss
Alpine scene.
- An electronic pen that identifies signatures by monitoring
the movements of the pen while writing. The inventor claims
the pen can detect forgeries.
- One inventor showed a sex device said to enhance the
experience for the male. This being a family publication,
we can't get too graphic, but it says volumes about the
fragile male ego that the device comes in three sizes --
large, extra-large and extra-extra-large.
- A cola drink made in Spain that its makers claim will
"prevent mental deterioration."
- A Los Angeles company added jade to pillows, slippers,
bracelets and shampoo, saying it would offer health
benefits.
- A British company with sunglasses for hay fever sufferers.
They are supposed to prevent pollen granules from entering
the eyes by pumping filtered air through holes in the
frames.
- Diapers for dogs, in order to avoid the mess of having to
clean up after them. Did the inventor figure out that then,
instead of just walking them, you have to CHANGE them.
- To address the problem of lipstick that rubs off, a
California company showed its new line of indelible
cosmetics, said to last at least 24 hours. The beauty paint
comes with a special remover, in case you need it off
sooner.
(Reuters/AP)
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One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is
tomorrow.
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MORE-OR-LESS USELESS INVENTIONS...
-------------------------------
Straight from the Patent Office, here are some actual
inventions that appear to have come from the far side of reality.
Were any ever made? I don't know. But none of these sounds very
promising.
- U.S. Patent 4,503,572 - Disposable Receptacle for Spittle.
(1985)
Basically, this is a paper or plastic cup with a funnel
stuck inside that you spit into. Yummy, right?
- U.S. Patent 4,524,081 - Method for Making A Marbled Pet
Food. (1985)
A machine to give the cheap, processed mystery cow
parts used in pet food have the marbled look of fine
steak. According to the patent, all it takes are a
couple of screw drives, and extruder and some food
coloring.
- U.S. Patent 490,964 - Combined Clothes-Brush, Flask and
Drinking Cup. (1893)
Just the thing if you need a little hair of the dog
while brushing off in the morning.
- U.S. Patent 515,001 - Fishing Apparatus (1894)
About the screwiest kind of contraption ever patented.
This is a fish hook with an attached vanity mirror on a
little arm. Why?
"In this position ... the fish B, when approaching the
baits, will see the reflection B', of himself in the
mirror, also coming for that reflection of the baits',
and will be made bolder by the supposed companionship,
and more eager to take the bait before his competitor
seizes it. He will lose his caution, and take the bait
with a recklessness that greatly increases the chances
of his being caught on the hook."
The device was never marketed. Apparently fish were
either less greedy or less vain than the inventor
thought.
- U.S. Patent 5,224,646 - Dripless Ice Cream Holder (1993)
This is just a larger cone that goes over your ice
cream cone to catch drips. It also prevents you from
eating any of the cone part and leaves you with a cup
of melted goo. Such is the price of progress
- U.S. Patent 5,479,892 - Vehicle Safety Seat for Pets (1995)
No more hanging out the window in the breeze with his
tongue hanging out! This plastic palette has straps to
hold Rover in place on those long drives. The inventor
implies that it could also be used for cats, but how
you would strap a tabby into this thing without needing
a transfusion isn't explained.
- U.S. Patent 531,555 - Smoke Consuming Locomotive
Steam locomotives are still smoke-belching iron
monsters that delight train fans everywhere, but, back
when they were in daily use, they caused incredible
dirt and pollution. This inventor tried to fix that
the easy way; just bolt a plate over the exhaust stack
and route the smoke back into the firebox to be burned
again. Only one small problem - it couldn't work. The
smoke would put out the fire, leaving you with an
absolutely pollution-free locomotive: one that you
would have to push down the tracks by hand.
- U.S. Patent 556,246 - Saluting Device (1896)
This slightly daft idea was a mechanism that attached
to a gentleman's head so his hat would tip in a polite
salute without using his hands. If this sounds stupid,
you should see the patent drawing.
- U.S. Patent 5,664,474 - Bread Slicing Guide (1995)
For those of you who have to have things just perfect,
this round tray allows you to slice bread with absolute
uniformity. Apparently, this is a more active field of
innovation than we'd suspect, as the patent lists 23
prior patents on similar inventions as references, so
SOMEBODY must be worried about this.
- U.S. Patent 748,284 - Method of Preserving the Dead (1903)
The inventor thinks that placing the heads of our
departed loved ones in large blocks of glass would be a
good idea. These nightmarish knickknacks never quite
caught on.
[ HA! And you though Uncle Ernie was a
blockhead when he was alive! ]
- U.S. Patent 5,197,216 - Combined Camouflage and Decoy Device
(1993)
"A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head... "
This innovation conveniently combines the hunter's hat
and bird decoy into one - leaving our hunter walking
around with a stuffed fowl on his head. Now all the
hunter has to worry about is other hunters blasting
away at the life-like object when they see it moving
through the woods.
- U.S. Patent 4,878,513 - Car Bib (1989)
These days, we do everything on the run - especially
eating. And those sudden bumps and stops are murder on
your clothes as you tool down the highway eating. The
inventor of this gizmo came up with a sort of plastic
rain gutter to catch all the droppings as you cruise
and chew. Bon Appetit!
- U.S. Patent 5,713,081 - An Improved Design of Panty Hose.
(1997)
You ladies have all had the experience of a panty hose
blowout just when you're leaving for that important
appointment. Don't dig out the nail polish - with
these multiple wear pantyhose you have a built in
spare; they feature six legs from each "center
section." The idea was to use only two of the legs at
a time, unless you were a space alien or bad clone.
The extra legs? According to the inventor, you just
tuck them in up at the waistline. Guaranteed to give
even the sleekest model the lumpy appearance of an
over-the-hill football linebacker.
- U.S. Patent 844,111 - Single Track Railway System (1907)
This may have been the goofiest idea ever invented for
preventing railroad accidents. Basically, the railroad
company would use two different designs of trains one
with large cars that have a "tunnel" through the center
of the train and one with smaller cars that can fit
through the tunnel. Apparently, the railroad would
also need two different sizes of passengers to match
the equipment.
- U.S. Patent 35,600 - Combined Plow and Gun (1862)
The Bible talks about "beating their swords into
plowshares," right? So, why not go the other way?
This device was invented during the American Civil War,
and is aimed to make even the lowliest farmer into a
true "citizen soldier." The top of this plow is shaped
into a small, cast-iron cannon, allowing the farm
implement to be used at a moments' notice as a light
artillery piece.
- U.S. Patent 5,031,161 - Life Expectancy Timepiece (1991)
Ah, the wonders of science... You set this clock based
on a number of factors, including your age and health
condition. From then on, it counts down the amount of
time you should have left. Not that it will help you
catch the train, but it might be useful if you were
planning on starting any long novels.
- U.S. Patent 5,109,421 - Fetal Speaker System and Support
Belt for Maternal Wear (1992)
It's very new age - headphones on an expectant mom's
tummy so baby can enjoy the latest tunes. Now think of
it from the baby's side - with Muzak, you can at least
leave the room. And what happens if mommy just loves
to listen to Howard Stern?
- U.S. Patent 3,216,423 - Delivery Table (1965)
There are two ways of looking at this idea: either the
inventors were trying to shoot a newborn baby across
the room on delivery or just to make the expectant mom
puke. Mom was supposed to be strapped onto this
rotating bed - which sounds for all the world like a
really bad carnival ride - and the centrifugal force
would encourage baby to emerge. Half the fun would be
watching the nurses and doctors run around in a circle
trying to keep up.
[ Which brings up the point that another
"labor-saving" device is abstinence. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not
go nearly as well with pizza."
- Dave Barry from the book "Dave
Barry's Bad Habits"
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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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