SPONTANEOUS CONFUSION!

You Knew There Was Something Fishy!

Hi, Gang!
     Since the early days of Sunday Funnies, it has been a
tradition to have a topic of the week.  The topic for this week
was supposed to be fishing.  Now, in a little while, you'll be
reading along, trying to figure out what happened to all the fish
and fishing jokes.  That's why it's a good idea to read these
starting paragraphs, no matter how "introductory" they might seem
sometimes.  You never know what changes you might miss.
     There are no fish here this week.
     There, that was easy, wasn't it?  The reason for the
unexpected change in topics is that I didn't have time to write
about fish, due to events in the real world that made a lot of
things seems less funny this week.  So, this Funnies will remain
piscatorially challenged.  (Piscatorially?  Look it up!  How many
times do you expect me to say 'fish' when that isn't even the
topic.)  Motto for the week:  We are born wet, naked, screaming
and hungry.  Then things get worse.
     OK, enough complaining about things.  Well, not quite
enough, but if I go on grousing you folks will stop reading
eventually.  I plead temporary sanity, and throw myself on the
tender mercy of the court.  I might prefer to throw myself on the
tender mercy of a shapely blond, but I know that my wife is in
favor of capital punishment for some crimes.
     Before my brain hits any more bad sectors this week, I'd
better get around to saying Thanks to:  Sylvia Libin He, Beth
Butler, Jerry Taff, Helen Yee, Luke Mayo, Kerry Miller, Carol J.
Becwar, Timothy T. McChain, Laura Hong Li, Fumiko Umino, Fumiko
Sugino David, Paul Kenneth Roser, Caterina YuenYu Sukup, Peter
John Adler, Brian Siegl, Etsuko Hori, Yasmin & Meredith Leischer,
Akiko Ogino & Chuck, Nnamdi Elleh, Howard Lesniak and Sue Yan.  I
don't really suffer from insanity -- I usually enjoy every minute
of it.  But any more weeks like this and I'll be writing these
things in crayon on the cell walls.
     Have a Great Week,


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 HoW To KeEp A hEaLtHy LeVeL Of SaNiTy AnD dRiVe OtHeRs iNsAnE...
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   - Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't bother to disguise
     your voice.  Then page again asking to repeat the page.

   - Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same
     outfits.  Always wear them one day after your boss does.
     This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite
     gender.

   - Send Email to the rest of the company to tell them what
     you're doing.  For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in
     the bathroom."  Make sure to notify even the foreign
     subsidiaries.

   - Insist that your e-mail address be:
          zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com   or
          Elvis_the_King@companyname.com

   - Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they
     want fries with that.

   - Put your trash can on your desk and label it "IN."

   - Put decaf in the coffee-maker for three weeks.  Once
     everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch
     to espresso.

   - When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's
     windshield wipers running no matter what the weather
     conditions to keep 'em tuned up.

   - Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then
     send them to your boss.

   - Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the
     prophecy."

   - Claim that it is against your religion to use punctuation
     marks.

   - As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

   - Ask people what sex they are.  This is most effective if you
     are meeting them in person.

   - Sit in your parked car along busy roads and point a hair
     dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

   - Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

   - Honk and wave at strangers.

   - Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the
     complimentary mints by the cash register.

   - Sing along at the opera.

   - Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them
     only by these names.  "That's a good point, Sparky."  "I'm
     sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there,
     Cha-cha."

   - Put Post-it Notes on your shoes.  Tell people that you
     haven't lost them nearly as much since you started doing
     this.

   - Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle.  When you emerge
     to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself
     randomly the whole way there and back.

   - Place a chair facing a printer.  Sit there all day and tell
     people you're waiting for a document.

   - Send Email back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in
     an intellectual debate.  Then forward the correspondence to
     a co-worker and ask if they can settle the disagreement.

   - Keep a canary by your desk.  When people ask why, tell them
     it's to warn you in case of gas.

   - Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little
     synchronized chair dancing.

   - Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

   - In the memo field of all your checks, write "for bribes and
     sexual favors."

   - Practice making fax and modem noises.

   - Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level
     lights up the entire working area.  Insist to others that
     you like it that way.

   - While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like
     a pigeon.

   - type company memos only in lower case.

   - Conduct an experiment to determine how many cups of coffee
     is "too many."  Save all of the cups in the nearest filing
     cabinet under 'N' for nervous.

   - Insist that Xerox is the one true copier god, then genuflect
     to the machine before making copies.  If the copier breaks,
     suggest sacrificing a virgin.


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FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"
----------------------------------------
     One of the classic game shows of the 1960's and 70's was 
"Hollywood Squares."  If you have never seen the show, it took
the form of a giant "Tic-Tac-Toe" board with "celebrities" in
each of the squares.  For the most part, the people in the
Squares were either near unknowns or second-rate actors on their
way to the dinner theater circuit.  But some of the regulars
could be pretty sharp and funny with the answers they gave.  Here
are a selection of the best answers, according to long-time game
show host Peter Marshall:


   - According to Movie Life magazine, Ann Margaret would like to
     start having babies, soon, but her husband wants her to wait
     awhile.  Why?
               PAUL LYNDE:    He's out of town.

   - What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle
     aren't?
               PAUL LYNDE:    They give milk...and cookies, but I
                              don't recommend the cookies.

   - Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
     your elephant?
               PAUL LYNDE:    Who told you about my elephant?

   - When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
               CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is
                              up to him.

   - [Famous fat comedian] Jackie Gleason recently revealed that
     he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at
     least two occasions.  What are they?
               CHARLEY WEAVER:  His feet.

   - Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have
     something very important.  What?
               PAUL LYNDE:    An engagement ring.

   - According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more
     actors than drinking.  What?
               CHARLEY WEAVER:  Not drinking.

   - True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by
     running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over
     them.
               CHARLEY WEAVER:  This is sometimes terribly
                              embarrassing to tall guests.

   - You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for
     the Kabuki.  Why?
               PAUL LYNDE:    It was a long plane ride.

   - If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at
     least how high?
               CHARLEY WEAVER:  Three days of steady drinking
                              should do it.

   - Do female frogs croak?
               PAUL LYNDE:    If you hold their little heads
                              under water.

   - You've been having trouble going to sleep.  Are you probably
     a man or a woman?
               DON KNOTTS:    That's what's been keeping me
                              awake.

   - True or false:  Many people sleep better in their street
     clothes than they do in their pajamas.
               PAUL LYNDE:    Yes.  We call them winos.

   - According to psychologists, when a child begins to get
     curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask
     his mommy and daddy?
               PAUL LYNDE:    Where can I get some?

   - Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. 
     Should you try to break him of his habit?
               JOAN RIVERS:   Yes. It's daddy's turn.

   - Question: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
               PAUL LYNDE:    Naked and screaming like the rest
                              of us.


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