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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #147 - 06/06/1999

BYTE ME!

Computer Candy and Other Tech Tales

Hello again, Computer Users!
     As much as we hate to admit it, we've come to the point
where technology is nearly unavoidable.  Every day, we make use
of technologies that didn't exist a decade or two ago, even when
we believe we are doing fairly low-tech activities.  How about - 
needlepoint?  Chances are, the pattern you follow was computer-
generated.  Driving a car?  Well, the driving is pretty much the
same as it was in the 1940's, except for the computer in the car
that runs the engine, the one that tunes the car's radio, the
sensors in the pavement that can tell if the road is busy and
the computerized gas pumps.  Even the real back-to-nature
types take to the woods with laser rifle sights and global
positioning satellite receivers.
     Maybe that's why Y2K scares so many people.  It's perhaps
the first time that people have become aware of how dependent on
technology our society has become.  It's pretty frightening to
think that it might not be there some day.  Actually, it wouldn't
be all that hard to go back to the old ways of doing things.  The
only problem is, about two billion of us would have to die. 
Since no one wants to be in the unlucky half of humanity that
would survive, we had better just keep stumbling on, even if it
does seem more complex.
     Thanks this week to all of the SUNFUN computer clan,
especially:  Paul Roser, Fumiko Umino, Sue Yan, Stacie Meyer,
patsyv, Keiko Amakawa, Caterina and Jim Sukup, Carol Becwar,
Laura Hong Li, Jerry Taff, Peter Adler, Sylvia Libin He, Yasmin
and Meredith Leischer, The Peterson Family, Brian Segel, Howard
Lesniak and Beth Butler.  This week, we should be clearing 10,000
hits on the SUNFUN Central web site.  Thanks to all of you who
have contributed material and encouragement over the years.  Be
sure to print this edition of Funnies - it will give you
something to read while waiting on hold for help with your latest
computer problem.  Remember, "your call is very important" to
them --that's why they've kept you on hold for twenty-three
minutes...
     Have A Great Week,

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SWEET TECH
----------
     It may be "Still the same old story" as the song has it, but
even romance has been affected by the information age.  Fancy
letters and note cards don't mean as much these days with young
couples sending Email love notes - and maybe the occasional R-
Rated FAX.
     Even those little love candy hearts that show up in the
stores every year around Valentine's Day have been influenced by
technology.  You could argue that the little sayings on the
candies may be the truest reflection of an age's romantic
thinking since the troubadours of the Middle Ages.  So it's no
surprise that the sayings change yearly to reflect the times. 
Over the past year or two, both the U.S. maker NECCO and the
British candy giant Swizzels Matlow have revised the wording on
the little heart candies to bring it up-to-date.  "You're Fab,"
"Be Mine" and even the time-honored "Dig Me" are out.  So are
"Buzz Off," "Stop," "Try Me" and "Hot Stuff."  In their place are
techno-modern love sayings such as: "Fax Me," "Be My Icon" and
even "WWW.CUPID."
     NECCO's vice president of logistics and planning, Walter
Marshall, is the guy in charge of choosing the new expressions,
and he is always on the lookout for new expressions of love and
devotion.  But not from any of the R or X-Rated websites; the
corporate "King of Hearts" is pretty careful about the
expressions he chooses.
     "A lot of adults would like to have us spice them up, so 
to speak, which we will have no part of," Marshall said.  "We
have to keep them so they can show up on some second-grade kid's
desk and there's no problem with it."
     He must know something about romance in a technical age,
since the U.S. sales of the little pastel hearts passed eight
billion this year, and they expect to do even better next year. 
(Reuters)


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TEN ANAGRAMS FOR "INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY"
------------------------------------------
     Re-arrange the letters in "Information Superhighway" and
get:

     1.  Enormous, hairy pig with fan.

     2.  Hey, ignoramus - win profit?  Ha!

     3.  Oh-oh, wiring snafu: empty air.

     4.  When forming, utopia's hairy.

     5.  A rough wimper of insanity.

     6.  Oh, wormy infuriating phase.

     7.  Inspire humanity, who go far.

     8.  Waiting for any promise, huh?

     9.  Hi-ho! Yow!  I'm surfing Arpanet!

     10. New utopia?  Horrifying sham.

                            - SOURCE: Enormous hairy pig with fan


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TECHNOLOGY BYTES BACK...
---------------------
     With as fast as things change, it is hard to keep up with
technology these days.  Just as you get comfortable with one
level, three new things come along that you won't understand. 
Even the real "tech gurus" are faking it some of the time, as
much as they hate to admit it.
     That said, there are people who are really lost when it
comes to technology.  The folks at a local computer store shared
these stories on the web:

   - A lady called up and asked, "How much will it cost to
     upgrade my Commodore to a Pentium II?"  (This would be
     pretty much like a rocket-propelled World War I biplane).

   - A guy came in and asked if we have laptop batteries.  When
     we asked what kind he needed, he said "Here, I brought it
     with me" and produced a hard drive from his pocket!  We
     eventually determined that we didn't have the particular
     battery he wanted in stock.  Then the guy noticed that the
     battery he needed was listed as 12-volt and says, "Oh, hey,
     I should be able to use my CAR battery!"

   - A guy came in because the ZIP drive he just installed didn't
     work.  We opened the computer and he had tried to attach the
     IDE cable to one of the memory slots.  Undaunted by the fact
     that there was no way to plug in the cable, he had SOLDERED
     it in place!

   - Then there was the guy who made a 72 pin SIMM fit into a 30
     pin slot by sawing it in half (!!).


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THE SEARCH FOR HUMOR ON THE WEB...
-------------------------------
     In one dark little corner of the World Wide Web, those of us
who know the secrets can see just what you folks are doing out
there.  It takes a little understanding of how the web works, and
a little programming, but it's possible to monitor the searches
issued by people surfing the web.  Bet you didn't think anyone
was watching, right?
     Those of you who feel guilty about some of the searches
you've issued can relax.  We can't connect a particular search
with a certain user.  We only see the searches as they are
entered.  Feel better?
     Anyway, these are the things that people really want to
know, as shown on the Web Crawler Search Engine
(www.webcrawl.com):


     Stand-up Fishing
          [ A funny thing happened to me on the way to
          the fishing hole...   Take my halibut,
          please! ]

     "erotische lingerie"
          [ This has to be a guy - it's German for
          "sexy underwear." ]

     boy OR boy
          [ Couldn't make up his mind whether to search
          for boy or -- boy? ]

     How do you make the best chocolate cheesecake
          [ Ask you auntie... ]

     HILARIOUS SOYBEAN STORIES
          [ Of course.  You wouldn't believe the number
          of funny stories out there about tofu. ]

     language spoken in germany
          [ Now, don't tell me.  Could it be German? ]

     nuclear bunkers in the UK
          [ Do you know something we don't? ]

     Where is the fun Web site The Really Big Button That Doesn't
     Do Anything?
          [ Have you tried "www.microsoft.com" ? ]

     chunneldesign
          [ ThinkYouCouldUseASpaceHere. ]

     cannel tunnel
          [ Oh, yes.  That's much better... ]

     What does it mean when I dream about a virus?
          [ I see a long journey...  Two to five years,
          with time off for good behavior. ]

     WHERE IS MY YEARBOOK
          [ "Have you looked in the closet, dear?" ]

     "erotische lingerie"
          [ He's Baaack! ]

     home AND page
          [ This has pretty much the same effect as
          going to your local library and searching for
          "BOOK"... ]

     How do you get nail polish out of carpet
          [ Uh-Oh! Mom's not going to like this! ]

     where can i find the weirdest people in the world
          [ You're on the web, aren't you? ]

     Consult with a psychic Clairyvoyance for free
          [ Why can't they find you? ]

     book report on charlot's Web
          [ Three trillion dollars for a web backbone
          and now you're cheating on book reports? ]

     What did the moon look like in May?
          [ The same as always? ]

     Where can i buy funerals
          [ Have you tried www.mafia.com? ]

     electric yanni boat
          [ Quick, can anyone think of three less
          related words?  What could this person be
          looking for?! ]

     sightings radio
          [ Yes...  I think I speak for everyone when I
          say that we have definitely seen a radio. ]

     How old are you?
          [ So, just how lonely do you have to be to
          try to pick up A COMPUTER? ]


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THE HARDWARE PERSON AND THE SOFTWARE PERSON
-------------------------------------------
     An ambitious computer programmer finally decided to take a
vacation.  He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded
to have the time of his life.
     Then the cruise ship sank.
     The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island
with no other people, no supplies...  Nothing.  After about four
months of living on bananas and coconuts, he was lying on the
beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rowed
up.  In disbelief, he asked her, "Where did you come from?  How
did you get here?"
     "I rowed over from the other side of the island," she said.
"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
     "Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat
wash up with you."
     "Oh, this?" replied the woman.  "I made the row boat out of
materials I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum
tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the
sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." 
     "But-- but, that's impossible," the man stuttered.  "You had
no tools or hardware.  How did you manage?"
     "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.  "On the south
side of the island, there is a deposit of iron ore.  I found that
I could work it in my forge quite easily.  I used that for tools
and used the tools to make the hardware."
     The programmer was stunned.
     "Let's row over to my place, " she said.  After a few
minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf made from
bamboo.  There on shore is a stone walk leading to a well-made
bungalow made of native materials.
     As they walked into the house, she says casually,  "It's not
much, but I call it home.  I'm going to slip into something more
comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There
is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.  I made it from sharp-edged
shells."
     No longer questioning anything, the man went into the
bathroom to clean up.  When he returned, she greeted him wearing
nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling
faintly of gardenias.
     She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.  "Tell me,"
she began, suggestively, as she moved closer to him, "we've been
out here for a really long time.  We've both been lonely.  I'm
sure there's something you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for all these months?..."
     "You mean-- ?", he swallowed excitedly, "-- I can check my
e-mail from here...?" 


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© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.