Greetings, Fellow Members of the Workforce...
To a greater extent than we like to admit, our jobs define
who we are and how we view the world. It is one of the first
things we mention when we're introducing ourselves. And jobs are
usually high on the list when we talk about what's wrong with our
lives.
Everyone has to work. Oh, there are a few who are content
to sponge off of the rest of us, but never as many as we imagine.
In modern culture, what you do is what you are and your work
brings you a certain sense of pride. Between screwups, anyway.
The work place has changed in the past few years, with rows
of desks giving way to cube farms and banks of clattering typists
giving way to executives typing their own letters with two
fingers. This is called "increasing productivity." In the
company I work for, we no longer have a local office and we work
from home. This takes away the distraction of all of those co-
workers, but adds the distraction of all those phone calls
pushing siding, basement waterproofing and magazine
subscriptions. In the old days, you wanted the boss to see you
working, since there was a 'work or get fired' attitude. These
days we get motivational tapes. I have noticed that the quality
of these tapes has improved quite a bit over the past few years.
Some of the earlier tapes could have been sold as sleep aids.
Studies show that only a long Congressional hearing on price
supports for broccoli is more efficient at putting people to
sleep.
Thanks this week to our wide-awake SUNFUN crew: Jerry Taff,
Laura Hong Li, Luke Mayo, Libin He, Timothy McChain, Kerry
Miller, Sue Yan, Larry Sakar, Jack Gervais, Dale Frederickson,
Dick Ginkowski, Meredith & Yasmin Leischer, Carol Becwar, Nancy &
Gerry Wohlge, Peter Adler, David Zach, Beth Butler, Hiroe
Sugiyama, Paul Roser and The Petersons. Your friendship and your
contributions to Funnies are all appreciated! Speaking of work -
time for me to get back at it and get this Funnies together. You
folks have fun and...
Have A Great (Work) Week,
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
Stress is when you wake up screaming, only to realize
that you haven't fallen asleep yet.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
STOP, CANCEL OR RESUME?...
----------------------
A resume is a package designed to sell a product - you! So,
with all of the care and effort that goes into them, it is all
the more surprising when resumes contain bloopers. Here are a
few from a recent Fortune Magazine:
- "I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat
progroms"
[ A goud enployi, fur shore. ]
- "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades"
- "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year"
[ How very appropriate. ]
- "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
institutions"
- "It's best for employers that I not work with people"
[ Especially when I hear the voices... ]
- "Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience"
[ Let's not! ]
- "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing
investments"
[ Were those state or federal charges? ]
- "Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave"
- "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time"
- "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience"
- "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details"
- "I was working for my mom until she decided to move"
[ I wish she'd send her new address. ]
- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage"
- "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all
employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work
under those conditions"
- "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.'
I have never quit a job"
[ Except when the police were called... ]
- "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three
previous employers"
- "Finished eighth in my class of ten"
- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain store"
[ Maybe they meant "running," maybe not... ]
- "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind
me"
- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not
appropriate for business."
- In a cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope
to hear from you shorty."
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY - FINALLY!
-------------------------------
Most of us really look forward to the weekend. It is always
nice to have a day or two away from work to recharge your
batteries and get on with the rest of your life, before returning
to the grind Monday morning.
But no matter how long you feel you've waited for the
weekend to come, you have nothing on the workers in Mongolia.
Folks in Mongolia tossed out the Communist leadership in
elections last year, and quickly passed new legislation reducing
the work week. This gave workers in the former "worker's
paradise" their first weekend off since 1921.
Part of the government decision to make the change was to
employ more people, since the closing of many inefficient, state-
owned companies has resulted in higher unemployment. So, how are
the hard working workers in Ulan Bator using their new spare
time. Most of them, it seems, are still working.
"I welcome this decision," one woman said. "I will be able
to run my own business on Saturdays." (Reuters)
[ Obviously, they still have a lot to learn
about wasting time. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
WHETHER WORK WORKS, OR NOT...
--------------------------
All work can be divided into Theory, Organization and
Practice. Theory is when you know everything and
nothing is working. Organization is when nothing is
working and everyone knows why. Practice is when
everything is working and no one knows why.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
CAN'T SEE WHO'S LEFT...
--------------------
The Milwaukee Brewers Baseball team announced that they have
filled their field announcer position, replacing the announcer
who died late last year. WTMJ-Radio's Rob Edwards got the job as
the new "Voice of the Brewers." But many people don't know that
talk show host Rush Limbaugh was also in competition for the
position. Though landing such a high-profile speaker would have
brought much-needed media attention to the club, Brewer's
management lost interest when they found that he would only
introduce players at home plate, first base, and right field.
Everyone else was too far to the left for him to notice.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
IT'S NOT JUST A JOB, IT'S AN 'AD'VENTURE...
----------------------------------------
Here's how to translate common phrases found in the
employment section of the newspaper:
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION" You'll be making under $7 an hour.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION You'll be making under $7 an hour
IN AN UP-AND-COMING AND we'll be bankrupt in a year.
COMPANY"
"SERVICE INDUSTRY" Memorize this phrase: "You want
fries with that?"
"PENSION/RETIREMENT After 3 years, we'll allow you to
BENEFITS" fund your own retirement account.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN" Of course, once the higher-ups
take their cut, there won't be
much left.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying
less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED We have no time to train you and
COMPANY" you'll have to introduce yourself
to your coworkers.
"SELF-MOTIVATED" Management won't answer questions
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED For one thing, there were all those
LEADER" headlines when our president ran
to Guatemala with the ready cash.
"AN UP-AND-COMING We want you to think we'll be the
SOFTWARE COMPANY" next Microsoft. Actually, we'll
be lucky just to stay in business.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that
you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE You'll be six months behind
ORIENTED" schedule before you even start.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING" The person who used to do this
job quit months ago, but we're
just now getting around to
running an ad.
"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS" After 90 days, you can join our
HMO, which will let you see a
doctor only if something falls off.
"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, It would help if you still live
FUN, HARD WORKING, with your parents because we only
PEOPLE" pay internship-level salaries.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT" Watch out for that knife it the
back at any time.
"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL Guys in gray suits will bore you
WORK ENVIRONMENT" with tales of squash and weekends
on their yachts.
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM" We all listen to those goofy
motivational tapes.
"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT" Your co-workers will be insulted if
you don't get drunk with them.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" We're understaffed so you'll
be working some overtime every
night and some overtime every
weekend.
"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k" But we'll only offer you $22k to
start.
"A HIGHLY VISIBLE We expect you to give boring
POSITION" speeches on own time.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS" Work 40 hours and get paid for 25.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Everyone else in the company is
your boss.
"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL Those still left after the last
VALUED" round of layoffs, that is.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR We have no quality control.
DETAIL"
"RESPONSIBLE POSITION" No matter what happens, it's your
fault.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We already filled this position,
but the law says we have to run
this silly ad.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH You'll need it to replace all three
A WIDE VARIETY OF people who just left.
EXPERIENCE"
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS We have LOTS of problems.
A MUST"
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP You'll have the responsibilities of
SKILLS" a manager, but without the pay or
respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION Management talks, you listen
SKILLS REQUIRED" then try to figure out what the
heck they want.
"ABILITY TO HANDLE A If you whine about anything, you're
HEAVY WORKLOAD" out.
"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS If a crew from "60 Minutes" shows
REQUIRED" up and we're in trouble, it's your
neck on the chopping block.
"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH We say that just to make you feel
WITHIN OUR COMPANY" better - actually you'll still be
in the same dead end job 20 years
from now.
"CHALLENGING SALES No one has figured out any good
POSITION" reason why a customer should buy
any of our products.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
MODERN BUSINESS PRACTICE?
------------------------
Somehow we think that the problems we face in our jobs ar
new or unique. Strange to find out that it isn't quite true:
"We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were
beginning to form into teams, we would be reorganized.
I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any
new situation by reorganizing. And what a wonderful
method it can be for creating the illusion of progress
while producing [only] confusion, inefficiency, and
demoralization."
- Gaius Petronious Arbiter in his
novel "Satyricon" written in
Ancient Rome about 60 A.D.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 1999 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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