AFTER A FASHION

The SUNDAY FUNNIES Goes Stylish

Hello again, all!
     This week's Funnies is about fashion.
     There will now be a short pause to allow those of you who
know me to laugh hysterically.
     I have to admit several deficiencies as a fashion
correspondent:

     1) I'm a man

     2) I'm from the Midwest, where flannel shirts are always
          high style.

     3) I'm an engineer.  There is a reason Dilbert always wears
          a red tie and white shirt; engineers really dress that
          way.

     But maybe the most serious of all -

     4) I'm a cheapskate.  If I ever paid more than $30 for a
          shirt, my dear wife would be checking to see if I have
          a fever.

     That said, I think watching those models in those goofy
designer togs is a hoot.  I don't understand how they expect to
sell any of those dresses that are shear from the waist up (or
down!).  At designer Andrew Groves recent show in London, an
otherwise naked model strutted in a loose dress fashioned from
razor blades.  Whatever could he mean by that?  A visual pun on
dressing sharp, maybe?  Or, is it more Freudian.  Worse yet, the
designer clothes in those shows are fashioned for models who are
extremely tall and extremely skinny; 23% thinner than most
American woman, on average.  That high-style, silver, A-line
dress would make the average woman look like a grain elevator,
assuming it's available in anything over a size two.
     Thanks this week to our stylish friends:  Sue Yan, Nnamdi
Elleh, Kiyomi Kanazawa, Jerry Taff, Helen Yee, Naomi Ogawa, John
Wallner, Laura Hong Li, Yasmin & Meredith Leischer, Timothy
McChain, Harry Cherkinian, Ellen Peterson, Sylvia He, Beth
Butler, Carol Becwar, Dale Frederickson, Junji Taniguchi, and
Carrie Riesen.
     Now, you folks read on, while I slip into my white
Harrington jacket with functional pockets and short, tight
trousers - just what the London designers said would be IN this
year.  OK, I lied.  I'm going to wear the same old blue shirt and
work pants.  But don't let that stop you...
     Have a Fashionable Week!


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A Serious Moment...
     As some of you may already know, October is Breast
     Cancer Awareness Month.  The goal of the promotion is
     to make women more aware of the steps needed to detect
     breast cancer.  Those of you who are women need to
     learn the steps necessary to protect yourselves through
     self-exams and mammography.  Until there's a cure,
     early detection is critical.  You men who were just
     reading this to get to the dirty part can stop now.

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OF MINI-SKIRTS AND MAXI MORONS
------------------------------
     In a number of different places recently, legislators have
set themselves up as fashion police.  The current world target of
the couture cops?  Miniskirts.  You might have thought that they
would have learned something from the sixties.
     In Bogota, Columbia, the head of the lower house of Congress
issued a strict dress code, forbidding the wearing of "mini-
skirts or jeans" in the House of Representatives.  "Congress is
democracy's highest showcase and we have to clean it up," House
president Emilio Martinez told reporters.
     Speaking of keeping up appearances - while President
Martinez was announcing his dress code, arrest warrants were
being issued for his secretary-general of the Senate, who had
failed to appear for questioning on possible involvement in a
drug-related graft case.

----------

     Meanwhile, in Peru, two legislators presented what they
called an "Anti-Lust" bill that would ban women from wearing
short dresses in the workplace.
     Congressmen Eusebio Vicuna and Alejandro Abanto Pongo, told
reporters they believed women's form of dressing was the root of
men's "lecherous behavior" and "carnal provocation."
     The Peruvian Congress has not yet decided if it will debate
the bill.
     Others thought that the bill might be aimed at rival
politician - and former showgirl - Susy Diaz, who scandalized
some legislators with her tight, short dresses and outrageous
behavior.  As candidate of the reformist Independent Agrarian
Movement, she attracted attention in the last election by
painting her candidate number in red on her backside, which she
would flash to the crowds at campaign stops.
     "The dignity of women is being stained by bosses, workmates
or customers in distinct ways, one of the causes of which is
(women) being fickle, vain, presumptuous and flirtatious," Abanto
added in his comments to reporters.  (REUTERS)
          [ Not to mention successful and threatening
          to chauvinists... ]

----------

     And, school officials at the prestigious Chulalongkorn
University in Bangkok, Thailand set off a firestorm of protest
last winter when they put up posters with pictures of women
wearing mini-skirts that read: "Wearing skirts like this can
damage the  prestige of the university" or "Don't tempt
crocodiles."
     Despite the protests, the university department in charge of
such matters - which has the charmingly Orwellian name "Student
Discipline Control Division" - has insisted that those who
violate the ban may have marks deducted from their good behavior
record.
     "The university should concentrate more on what female 
students have in their brains than on the lower part of their 
bodies," said a frustrated female student.  (Reuters)


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     "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is
     not color, but to accept God's final word on where your
     lips end."
                            - Jerry Seinfeld

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MAKING A SPLASH IN MILAN
------------------------
     For some reason, Milan fashion designer Enrico Coveri
thought it would be a great idea to have a model bathing in a tub
of warm milk as a backdrop for his new line of clothing at a
recent showing.  But then he improved the look of the white stuff
by putting lights in the tub along with the model.
     This looked fine until one of the lights exploded, sending
the smell of burning milk through the hall and sending the
audience running for the exits.
          [ Got Milk? ]


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MEN IN TIGHTS?
-------------
     Mel Brooks had fun with this concept in his "Robin Hood," 
but now they want us to take it seriously.
     A British hosiery company recently introduced a line of
tights for men as the new fashion statement for the 90's.  I do
believe they mean the 1990's, not the 1690's. The Wolford Company 
thinks the tights would be ideal for men who work outdoors on
building sites or playing sports.  Building sites?  It would take
a pretty secure man to walk around a construction site looking
like he was missing from a road-company production of "Hamlet."
     "We have had lots of calls at our head office in Austria and
via the Internet expressing interest in men's tights," said
Wolford company spokeswoman Daniella Mayer.  
     The cotton and velvet blend tights come in black and brown,
and are expected to retail for about 30 pounds ($50) a pair.     "I
don't believe it is going to be the smash hit of the year 2000,"
Mayer conceded.  "But perhaps guys will discover them ... Maybe
it will become the cool thing to do."
     Surprisingly, this isn't the first time a British hosiery
company tried to get men to drop their pants.  Back in 1973, one
company lined up British boxer John Stracey to promote the
concept.  That ad campaign generated only jokes.  (Reuters)
          [  The company didn't say whether they would
          also introduce matching cod pieces.  ]


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     "Clunky shoes, whose idea was it?  How much of a block
     heel can one handle and still look 'cool?'"

     And, "Why is it alright for men to look alike at formal
     events (tuxedos) but for women, it's a nightmare?  You
     look across the room and the penguins are all there."
                            - Sue Yan

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A FASHION MISTAKE?
-----------------
     Recently, a customer of Gaylan Trading Company was shocked
to find a tag in her new sportswear that read "Destroy All
Girls."  Store managers were shocked, too.  The chain immediately
boxed up the clothing and returned it to the manufacturer, a
Huntington Beach, California company called Senate.
     Senate explained that the tag was simply its new company
slogan, and that people shouldn't take it so seriously. "The tag
was supposed to say, 'Kill your parents,' but some people thought
that was too extreme," said one of Senate's founders.  (AP)
          [  Anyone know what Charles Manson is up to
          these days?  ]


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DANGEROUSLY FASHIONABLE
-----------------------
     One current fashion trend won't land you in jail, but it may
make you look that way.  Police in both London and Milwaukee have
recently been confused by people wearing prison garb.
     In England, prison clothing has become a popular trend, with
prices of up to 50 pounds ($81) for prison work shirts.  One
inmate was re-arrested moments after his release when prison
officials found he had stolen 25 of the regulation blue and white
striped shirts to sell to fashion retailers.  
     And in Milwaukee, police detained a man boarding a bus when
they saw he was wearing a blaze orange jumpsuit with the words
"Milwaukee County Jail" stenciled on the back.  No problem, he
was just wearing designer George Keppler's latest creation which
he bought locally for $69.
     It's unlikely that the clothing will be made illegal, but on
the other hand, isn't it lucky that Milwaukee guy wasn't running
for the bus?  (Reuters)


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     In Buffalo, New York, police recently repainted all of
     the prisoner holding cells - pink.  They thought the
     wimpy color would help calm prisoners' aggression.

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TAKING A FASHION RISK
---------------------
     A man robbed a bank recently in Anaheim, California, then
immediately changed clothes to throw off police.  He was caught
anyway.
     His disguise consisted of a conservative business suit ...
and pink fuzzy slippers.
     The man and a suspected female accomplice were held on
$50,000 bond, each.
     Anaheim Police Sgt. Joe Vargas critiqued the suspect's
couture, "The suit was OK.  But he really should have taken less
of a fashion risk with the shoes." 
          [ The good news is that he'll be right in
          style wearing those prison fashions - for
          about ten years. ]


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