Hello again, Friends!
We all need to be loved. If we're lucky, we find love, or
it finds us. How that happens, I don't know; if I did, I could
bottle it and have more money than Bill Gates. Love brings out
both the best and worst in us, often at the same time. And even
otherwise bright people can do incredibly stupid things in
relationships. Like that president guy, who was a Rhodes
scholar, but didn't have the sense to know that fooling around
with a 21-year-old woman of dubious stability was far into moron
country. Of the millions of words written and said about Bill
and Monica over the past few weeks, maybe the funniest was:
"Clinton has a very horny appetite, and I find that very
normal. It's just when you sit behind the president's desk,
your activities are magnified and exposed."
- veteran actress ANGIE DICKINSON, saying she finds
the behavior of PRESIDENT CLINTON very mainstream.
Surely, there would have been a better way of putting that
than "magnified and exposed?" The woman's a fountain of straight
lines.
But as all the details (and believe me, I mean ALL) of the
meetings in the Oval Penthouse became known, many other
politicians turned out to have their own moments of passion and
stupidity. It was revealed, for example, that Henry Hyde, the
committee chairman who will hear the case against Clinton, had an
affair some years ago with a young woman while he was married. A
"youthful indiscretion, Hyde said. OK, Henry, anything you say.
Except that Hyde was 42 at the time, and the relationship lasted
about five years. I told you love made people lose intelligence
at a frightening rate.
Love is also something you have for friends, so a special
Thanks this week for the contributions of: Carol Becwar (for 23
years of not giving up on me), Timothy McChain, Caterina & Jim
Sukup (who celebrate their 16th Anniversary this week), Sylvia
Libin He, Laura Hong Li, Jerry Taff, Yasmin & Meredith Leischer,
Kerry Miller, Junji Taniguchi, Dale Frederickson, Carrie Riesen,
Bob Martens, Sue Yan, Masami Shimizu, Nancy Wohlge and Beth
Butler. Now, you folks read on, I have to run out and buy an
anniversary present. No, not a small appliance, though I did
consider it.
Have a Great Week!
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
REMEMBER: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
------------------------------
So many dangerous -- and even not so dangerous -- products
come with warning labels these days. Some of these are really
silly. Like the warning on the little bag of drying stuff that
comes packed with stereos and such that says "Do Not Eat." If
they're afraid someone would eat that evil smelling stuff, what
makes them think that the same folks won't eat the box? Or even
the stereo.
Well, now lawmakers in South Dakota want to put a warning
label on a product that can be extremely dangerous if used
incorrectly -- marriage licenses. The warning states that both
marriage partners have the right to live "free from violence and
abuse" and warns that "neither of you is the property of the
other." The warning would also note that physical and sexual
abuse are against the law. The new regulation would require that
registrars point out the statement to couples when they apply for
a marriage license.
"I thought it seemed kind of silly, but the state medical
association backed it and I don't see it doing any harm," said
State Representative Judy Rost, who voted for the bill. "It went
over very well."
Several states have similar statements on marriage
applications but South Dakota would be the first to put it on a
marriage license. (Reuters)
[ Forget the warning label -- what people
really need is a Warranty! ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP THAT STINKS
--------------------------------------
Alan Hirsh knows what turns women on. He also knows what
turns men on. Not that there's anything wrong with that; Hirsch
is a researcher with the Smell Taste Treatment and Research
Foundation in Chicago. His specialty is the study of how smell
affects people's responses.
So what works and what doesn't? Women are most turned on by
the smells of baby powder, candy-coated licorice, cucumbers and
pumpkin pie.
Hirsch presented his findings recently at a meeting of the
American Psychosomatic Society meeting in Florida. In addition,
Hirsch's book, "Scentsational Sex," is due out early next year.
In a previous study on men, the strongest responses came
from smelling pumpkin pie.
So what smells turned women off? The study found that the
smell of cherries and charcoal-barbecued meat reduced womens'
responses. Maybe the most disturbing finding was that women were
also turned off by the smell of men's colognes. (Reuters)
[ So, Bubba, dump the Cherry Barbecue Sauce
and the cologne, and figure out how to make
yourself smell like baby powder. ]
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?
------------------------
It's not a bad idea to get the opinion of our friends and
relatives when starting out in a relationship. That advice can
be helpful in seeing beyond the stars in your eyes. But Dave
Weinlick of Minneapolis, Minnesota carried that idea further than
most. Much further. Much.
Weinlick assembled a committee of friends to help him pick a
bride. Not necessarily some woman he knew; he'd just go along
with the committee's decision. When word got out, they started
getting inquiries from around the world. The bride committee
finally chose 25 finalists to attend a selection ceremony held at
the Mall of America near Minneapolis.
The 28-year-old Weinlick, an anthropology student at the
University of Minnesota, said he was tired of people asking when
he was going to get married. So he set a date -- June 13, 1998 -
- and registered for wedding gifts under his own name at various
stores. Even though he didn't have a bride lined up just then.
The committee met on June 13th, and picked Elizabeth Runze,
a 28-year-old woman that instant groom Weinlick had met only five
days earlier. They had a mock marriage ceremony immediately, but
had to wait five days for the blood tests and certificate to make
the marriage legal at an official ceremony.
"It's been great. Beth and I are very, very happy together,"
said Weinlick before the couple left on a backpacking honeymoon
in Europe. (Reuters)
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
There was this man who muttered a few words in a church and
found himself married.
And there was this man who muttered a few words in his sleep
and found himself divorced.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
VERBAL ABUSE
------------
A farmer walked into a divorce lawyer's office. "May I help
you?" the attorney asked.
"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's," the farmer
said.
"What do you have for grounds?" asked the attorney.
"I got about 140 acres," the old farmer replied.
A little exasperated, the attorney said, "No, you don't
understand. I'm trying to find out if you have a case."
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case. My tractor's a
John Deere, not a Case."
Frustrated now, the attorney said, "Look, I'm trying to find
out if you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Sure I got a garage. That's where I park
my John Deere."
"That's not what I meant!" said the lawyer. "I m trying to
ask: do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church
on Sundays."
Carefully choosing his words, the lawyer asked, "Let's try
this one more time. Does your wife beat you up or anything?"
"Nope, we both get up about 4:30," the farmer replied.
Angry now, the attorney yelled, "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
The farmer replied calmly, "'Cause I can never have a
meaningful conversation with her."
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
KEEPING SCORE...
-------------
Here are some tips for guys on how the game is played. Use
this handy chart to see how you can make points in a relationship
(or lose them):
Simple Duties
------------
- You go out to buy her intimate feminine products: +5
- You know the right brand and style: +8
- You come back with beer instead: -5
Personal Safety
---------------
- You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
- You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: +1
- You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
- You pummel it with a six iron: +10
- It's her father: -10
Social Engagements
------------------
- You stay by her side the entire party: 0
- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy: -2
- The drinking buddy is named Tiffany: -4
- Tiffany is an exotic dancer: -6
- Tiffany has implants: -8
Saturday Afternoons
-------------------
- You visit her parents: +1
- You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
- You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television:
-3
- The television is off: -6
- You spend the afternoon watching college football in your
underwear: -6
- You didn't even go to college: -10
- It's not your underwear: -15
Her Birthday
------------
- You take her out to dinner: 0
- You take her out to dinner: +1
- It's a sports bar: -2
- It's all-you-can-eat night: -3
- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
- You give her a gift: 0
- You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
- You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
- You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
- You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months:
+30
- You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day:
-10
- On her credit card: -30
- Whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
Thoughtfulness
-------------
- You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
- The bus station in Downtown Newark, New Jersey: -35
- She has to wait outside when the station closes: -45
- And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
A Night Out With Your Pals
--------------------------
- You have a few beers: -9
- You come home very late: -12
- You get home after 3:00 a.m.: -20
- You get home after 3:00 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap
cigars: -30
- You're not wearing any pants: -40
- Is that a tattoo? -200
A Night Out, Just the Two of You
--------------------------------
- You go see a comic: +2
- He's crude and sexist: -2
- You laugh: -5
- You laugh too much: -10
- She's not laughing: -15
- You laugh harder: -25
Driving
-------
- You lose the directions on a trip: -4
- You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
- You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
- You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up
close and personnel: -25
- She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
Communication
--------------
- When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
- When she wants to talk, you listen, for more than 30
minutes: +5
- You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
television or picking up a newspaper: +10
- She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -15
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 1998 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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