Hello, Sunday Funnies Users Group!
It's been a while since we've talked about computers on
Funnies, so this week, we'll be talking about computer errors.
For this time out, we'll concentrate just on the technical
errors, not computer-related errors like getting caught hacking
into a banana company's voicemail or other techno-embarrassments.
Those of us who use computers often have something of a
love-hate relationship with them. We appreciate that they do
wonderful -- sometimes incredible -- things to help us, but they
can be incredibly complicated when they don't do what you want.
The problem is that these machines do just what you tell them to
do, which may or may not be exactly what you _want_ them to do.
Nearly all of us who have been around have faced the infamous
blue screen of death in Windows NT. Windows 95/98, on the other
hand, has this habit of trashing it's registry at the first sign
of trouble, so it comes up in the incredibly lame "Safe Mode."
And don't get too smug, Apple folks -- the MAC has a large
variety of bugs and oddities, too.
Such errors were even more common a computer generation
back. From DOS's strange and cryptic messages to the new age
"Guru Meditation" errors from the old Commodore Amiga, it was a
wonder if you got a computer to work for a whole hour between
crashes. At least now it's possible to get through the day
without rebooting -- well, on a good day, anyway.
Thanks this week to our computer connected friends: Caterina
& Jim Sukup, Jerry Taff, Sue Yan, Yuki & Fumio Sato and the
Milwaukee Kids, Timothy McChain, Beth Butler, Carol Becwar,
Carrie Riesen, Sarah Morsman, Kathleen Beckman, Dale Hoefner,
Laura Hong Li, Rosana Leung and Yasmin Leischer. For now, I have
to go fix the printer again, so may your systems never crash and
may you never go of*&h
lkli7#;a
af'-dfsg09gf.,0=per;'
NO CARRIER
Have a Bug Free Week!
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
OUT OF TIME ERRORS...
------------------
We've entered an age of standardization... With practically
all of the world's desktop computers running only a few operating
systems (DOS/Windows, Apple MAC and Unix/Linux/SunOS, mostly),
there are fewer of the really strange error messages that early
machines used to spit out. Some examples:
Some Older UNIX systems used to report a certain error as:
FATAL system error #nnnn
CAUSE: Programmer Goofed, We should never get here!
The old "TeX" program had this error when the user typed an
unusual character:
A funny symbol that I can't read has just been input.
Continue, and I'll forget that it ever happened.
Obviously the folks who wrote the ancient MPW C compiler had a
sense of humor. Here are a few of the error messages it would
drop on unsuspecting programmers (and don't let the computer
language throw you):
- You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an
argument with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler
- This struct already has a perfectly good definition
type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39,
lines 10-11
(I know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)
- This label is the target of a goto from outside of the
block containing this label AND this block has an
automatic variable with an initializer AND your window
wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message
- Call me paranoid but finding '/*' [comment] inside this
comment makes me suspicious
Talk about error messages that are really not helpful. The old
Radio Shack TRS-80 Color Computer only had 2-letter abbreviations
for all errors. The one for "file Not Open" when you tried to
read or write a file was:
?NO ERROR
The old Atari 800 computer gave only numbers for errors, so you
had to look up the translation in the User's manual. The
weirdest of these was:
ERROR 0: POWER NOT ON
And, back in the early PC days, I saw a machine with a flakey
keyboard respond with the error:
Keyboard not present error. Hit [F1] to continue.
Never could figure out just how you were supposed to hit [F1]
when the machine couldn't see the keyboard.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
THE ORIGINAL SYSTEMS MANUAL...
---------------------------
The Bible has quotes on nearly everything, why not on
computers?
On Program debugging:
"They search out iniquities; they accomplish a diligent
search..."
- Psalms 64:6
"Who can understand his errors? Cleanse thou me from
secret faults."
- Psalms 19:12
On system crashes:
"... there was no power in the ram."
- Daniel 8:7
"The memory of the just is blessed..."
- Proverbs 10:7
On obstinate word processors:
"I will not justify the wicked"
- Exodus 23:7
On operating systems:
"Now behold, if the Lord should make Windows in heaven,
might such a thing be?"
- II Kings 7:19
On Network Maintenance:
"...they that weave networks, shall be confounded."
- Isaiah 19:9
On the Internet:
"Their line is gone out through all the earth, and
their words to the end of the world."
- Psalms 19:4
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
BETA-TESTING DEPARTMENT
-----------------------
The F18 fighter was one of the first planes to be really
dependent on computers for normal operation. One of the early
F18 pilots became bored while waiting to take off one day, and,
in an idle moment, pushed the button to retract the landing gear.
And that was how the engineers discovered that the control
program didn't tell the computer if the plane was on the ground
or in the air when retracting the gear. Dropping a multi-million
dollar airplane a few feet onto the runway was probably not the
smartest thing that pilot ever did.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
TURNING JAPANESE DEPARTMENT: HAIKU ERROR MESSAGES...
-------------------------------------------------
Most users complain that error messages are at the same time
so generic and so ridiculously detailed as to be nearly
meaningless. "General Protection Fault" says nothing about what
the cause might be, and even most techno-gurus can't figure out
those silly numbers that Windows coughs up when something dies.
Maybe the next step is to make the error messages a little warmer
and more pleasant, if just as obtuse:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is no more.
The Web site you seek
can't be located but
endless others exist
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much of me.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
Your page is not here.
Out of memory.
You wish to hold the whole sky,
But you never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
HELP WANTED: SYSTEMS ANALYST...
----------------------------
Some years back, a fellow named Joseph Begley of Eveanshan,
England saved up 2,000 cigarette package coupons. He mailed them
off to the tobacco company for a watch he saw in their catalog.
After a time, the watch didn't appear, and Begley wrote to the
company to ask what had happened to his order.
In short order, Joe Begley got his watch. Then he got two
more watches. A day later, ten packages came in the mail,
followed by eighteen the next day. Among the items Begley
received were three tape recorders, a doll, a golf bag,
phonograph records, a pressure cooker, two electric blankets, a
cot and some saucepans. Mr. Begley wrote the company, begging
them to shut of the flow of free gifts, as he had a rather small
apartment. The company answered immediately and apologized for
the error, which they blamed on a fault in their computer system.
For his trouble, they gave Joe Begley 10,000 extra coupons, which
he used to order some tools and a nice bedspread.
He received a plant stand and two stepladders.
--:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)-----:-)--
© 1998 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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