HEADLINE EDITION

More Goofy Headlines

Greetings, fellow readers!
     There are some topics that come up a couple of times a year
in Funnies; dumb criminals, crime of various sorts,
relationships, and writing.  But one of my favorites is silly
headlines.  In the past headline editions,

Clowns In The Media Circus! (01/25/98) and
Out Of Line... (04/06/97)

we've explained about how fast the news business is, and how 
little time editors really have to check their work before 
thousands of copies hit the streets.  I think you know by now 
that these are real headlines from newspapers and wire 
services across the U.S.  Sources for these items are given 
where I could locate them, mostly from the major news services:  
AP, UPI, Reuters and AFP.  Without their dedication and effort, 
none of us would know what's happening in the world.  But, in the 
millions of words they pump out each day, there are a few bloopers.  
That's what this edition of Funnies celebrates.
     Hello and Thank you this week to our newsworthy friends:
Kerry Miller (& thanks for the comedy club jaunt, too!), Caterina
Sukup, Timothy McChain, Jerry Taff, Sylvia He, Laura Hong Li,
Yasmin Leischer, Carol Becwar, Harry Cherkinian, Sue Yan and
Carrie Riesen.  Thank you for all of your contributions and
support.  That's the news, and now the headlines.
     Have a Great Week!     -- 30 --


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PINK SLIPS?  FREUDIAN SLIPS?
---------------------------
What gives copy editors the most headaches?  Missing words are
high on the list.  Unlike a misspelling, machines don't always
catch these errors.  And the missing word can change the story's
meaning.  Here are a few to make copy editors faint (the missing
word is "off"):

   - "WHETHER THE TWO WOMEN HAVE BEEN FIRED OR LAID DEPENDS ON
     WHOM YOU ASK."
                            - from a story on sex bias in the
                              workplace in the Arlington 
                              (Massachusetts) Advocate


   - "JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN LAID DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO
     GO WITHOUT A PAYCHECK."
                            - a teaser headline for a job search
                              article in the Waterbury
                              (Connecticut) Republican-American
                        [ Well, that's a relief! ]


   - "HAVE FUN AT PROM; DON'T DRINK, DO DRUGS"
                            - Hudson Hub Times of Stow, Ohio 


   - "COMMENCE MINT EXERCISES"
                            - over a story about a seminar for
                              graduating seniors in Oregon's
                              Ashland Daily Tidings
                 [ Danger: reporter using spell check. ]


   - "WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN?
     ABSOLUTELY!"           - The Houston Chronicle
                             [ MR. EVEREST? ]


   - "WHALE GETS STRANDED ON SIDEBAR IN NORTH CAROLINA'S OREGON
     INLET"
                            - The whale was actually stranded on
                              a SANDBAR.  A sidebar is newspaper
                              slang for a related article in a
                              box elsewhere on the page.  Norfolk
                              (Virginia)  Virginian-Pilot


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MEDICAL MIRACLES
----------------

   - "MAN SAYS HE'S ALIVE; FEDERAL GOVERNMENT SAYS HE'S DEAD"
                            - AP
                   [ Maybe he's only slightly dead... ]


   - "GIRL, 10, IMPROVES AFTER FATAL CRASH"  - Chicago Tribune


   - "MAN'S URINE TEST SHOWS HE'S PREGNANT"  - AP
                           [ And is he pissed! ]


   - "HERE'S HOW TO RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS OF SUICIDE, SUNBURN"
                            - Wauwatosa (Wisconsin) News-Times
                 [ With one you're red, the other dead? ]


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COPS
----

   - "COPS BUST DOUGHNUT THIEF"  - AP
               [ The best part was, they did it on break. ]


   - "SOMEBODY STOLE 21 TONS OF LIVER FROM TRUCKSTOP"  - AP
          [ Police watching onion shipments, just in
          case... ]


   - "MAN SHOOTS NEIGHBOR WITH MACHETE"  - Miami Herald
                     [ He didn't know it was loaded. ]


   - "REMAINS IDENTIFIED; POLICE BELIEVE VICTIM DIED"  - AP
          [ Don't worry, they'll be certain after the
          autopsy. ]


   - "BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR 2,000 POUND STRAWBERRY"  - AP
          [ Description: Red, sweet.  Last known to
          use the alias "Berry."  May be traveling in
          the company of a huge shortcake. ]


   - "ALL FINGERS POINT TO THUMBLESS MAN"
                            - over a story about a thumbless
                              burglar in the Indianapolis News


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GOING THROUGH A BAD SPELL
-------------------------

   - "COMMON DRUG FOR PROSTRATE IS INNEFFECTIVE, STUDY FINDS"
                            - The New York Times, no less


   - "FILM: 'PANTS OF GLORY' OFFERED AS TONIGHT'S CO-OP LIBRARY
     FARE"
          [ That's the film, "PATHS OF GLORY," by
          Stanley Kubrick ]


   - "TEACHER AN UNLIKELY ARN WRESTLER  - AP


   - "HOW WOMEN'S TOP 25 FARTED"
                            - Women's basketball scores in the
                              Boulder (Colorado) Daily Camera
                              that should have read "fared."


   - "GIRL BITTEN BY RAPID FOX AT ZOO"  - Reuters


   - "WELL-STOCKED PANTY IMPORTANT TO GOOD, EASY MEALS"
                            - Toledo (Ohio) Blade-Citizen
          [ I think they mean "Pantry," but you never
          know. ]


   - "THE EIGHTIES: DACADE OF NOTORITY"
                            - Stuart (Virginia) Bull Mountain
                              Bugle
             [ Do these folks have something against "E's?"  ]


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SAY WHAT?
--------

   - "C.I.A. DRAFTS COVERT PLAN TO TOPPLE SADDAM"
                            - New York Times 
                  [ But don't tell him - it's a secret! ]


   - "DEPUTY AVIATION MANAGER EXPERIENCES TRAIN DELAY"  - AP
          [ The aviation manager takes the train? 
          Shouldn't we be worried about this? ]


   - "TWO WOMEN QUIT WMX'S MANAGEMENT AMID BROAD RESTRUCTURING
     PROGRAM"               - Wall Street Journal


   - "CHICK BLASTS SEXISM ON CITY COUNCIL"
                            - Story on Los Angeles City
                              Councilwoman Laura Chick in the Los
                              Angeles Daily News


   - "FATAL SKIING TRIP GIVES MAN NEW PERSPECTIVE"
                            - Arlington Heights (Illinois) Daily
                              Herald


   - "JAYWALKING MOOSE ARE A ROAD HAZARD" - Reuters
          [ But it's tough to convince them to cross at
          crosswalks... ]


   - "WATERSKIING ACCIDENT RULED ACCIDENTAL"
                            - Trenton (New Jersey) Times 


   - "IRAN CLAIMS SUCCESS IN ITS ATTACK ON IRAN"
          [ One of those should have read "Iraq," I
          just can't figure out which one. ]


   - "STRIPPER RESENTS EXPOSURE"
                          [ Poor career choice? ]


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FILLER MATERIAL
---------------

   - "PIT BULLS LOVE YOU, REALLY"  - Reuters
                       [ Sure, as a quick snack... ]


   - "TERMINAL ILLNESS STRAINS QUALITY OF LIFE"
                            - Arizona Republic 
                            [ Hold Page One! ]


   - "HARVARD GETS TWO-PLY TOILET TISSUE"  - AP
                            [ Slow news day? ]


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BUT, OF COURSE!
--------------

   - "PHALLUS MUSEUM ERECTED IN REYKJAVIK"  - AFP


   - "GALLERY REFLECTS ARTIST'S WORK"
                            - Austin (Texas) American-Statesman
                          [ As opposed to... ? ]


   - "HEAT PERFECT FOR NATIONAL NUDIST CONVENTION"  - Reuters


   - "MISSOURI GAS CHAMBER IS UNSAFE"
                            - Macon (Missouri) Chronicle-Herald
                    [ Wasn't that the general idea? ] 


   - "GORE STANDS BEHIND CLINTON"  - UPI 
          [ ... having learned that standing in front
          of him can be dangerous. ]


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INESCAPABLE WEIRDNESS
---------------------

   - "GERMAN MAGNETIC TRAIN MOVES FORWARD"  - AP
          [ They'll have reverse working any day now. ]


   - "RESORT: NEW POLICY NEEDED FOR NUDE SKIING  - AP
                            [ Just Say sNOw? ]


   - "LEADERS OF ANTI-CRIME GROUP CHARGED WITH THEFT"  - AP


   - "WATCHDOG WARNS AGAINST INTERNET SPERM"  - Reuters
                        [ First Spam, now THIS?! ]


   - "FARM SCENE: THERE'S GOLD IN THOSE ELEPHANT DROPPINGS"
                            - AP
                       [ Yeah?  You look for it... ]


   - "HUSBAND AND WIFE SHOOT EACH OTHER AT MARRIAGE COUNSELING
     SESSION"  - AP
                      [ I'd call that unsuccessful. ]


   - "DRUNK HORSE FIRED FOR LEADING ELEPHANT ASTRAY"  - Reuters
          [ "C'mon pal.  (hic!)  I know where we can
          find some swell mares... " ]


   - "GORE DENIES WRONGDOING; VOWS NEVER TO DO IT AGAIN"
                    [ Hand-in-Cookie-Jar Award Winner ]


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SILLY STUDIES SEEN -
------------------

   - "STUDY LINKS MENOPAUSE, AGING"  - AP
                     [ That's what it said, period! ]


   - "WOMEN MAKE THE BEST MOMS"
                            - Webster City (Iowa) Daily
                              Freeman-Journal


   - "STUDY: SENIOR WOMAN ADMINISTRATORS OFTEN ARE MEN"
                            - Columbia (Missouri) Missourian


   - "BUTTER SAID AS DEADLY AS CIGARETTES"  - AP 
                           [ So don't inhale. ]


   - "MALE AND FEMALE BREASTS ARE DIFFERENT"  - Reuters
          [ This just HAD to be a government study. ]


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