Salutations, Business Folks...
Lately, it's been nearly impossible to avoid the business
news, no matter how hard you try. K-Mart is bankrupt, a couple
of the automakers are in trouble and there's that little scandal
down in Houston, too. After years of being on the back pages of
newspapers and ignored on TV, the ENRON mess is a business
reporters's dream, having disaster, scandal, political
connections and - most important - blatant stupidity. It's the
kind of story business news folks have dreamt about. Whatever
happens from here, the fall of the house of ENRON was one of the
fastest in history; they went from Fortune 500 to Chapter 11 in a
new world record time of three weeks. I guess it would have
helped a little to either own or make something. Banks are
finding it pretty hard to foreclose on a "vision."
Yes, I realize this would be loads funnier if people didn't
lose their jobs and lots of real money in the collapse, but Ken
Lay and his crowd's disconnection from reality have been pretty
amusing otherwise. Sending his wife out to moan about them
"fighting to maintain solvency" is almost a new low in PR. Her
complaint takes on a different spin when you realize she was
whining about being forced to sell three of their four homes in
Aspen, Colorado for just over $16 million dollars - $3.6 million
more than they paid. Clearly these are people who have a pretty
different idea what "just scraping by" is all about. And
listening to the board of directors makes you think that there
wasn't anyone running the company who ever suspected that there
was a thing wrong. In their testimony before congress so far,
the ENRON execs seem divided into three type: see no evil, hear
no evil and evil.
But the economy is improving a little, and we know we'll
make it through somehow. It has always been that way. Times are
never all good or all bad for everyone at once, which is the only
reason we can find some amusement in a banker's belly flop like
Enron. The one good thing that might come out of it is to stop
that stupid trend of naming ballparks after corporate sponsors.
The Houston Astros may be losers, but even they were mortified
that they might be stuck playing in "ENRON Field" long after the
corporation is buried in bankruptcy court.
Thanks this week to the Sunday Funnies board of directors,
and special Thanks to our friends and supporters: Tomoko Naito,
Eva Lu YuHwa & Tiffany, Jan Michalski, Carol J. Becwar, Kenn
Venit, Junji & Miki Taniguchi, Kerry Miller, Doug Riddell, The
Peterson's, Jack & Sherrie Gervais, Bruce Gonzo, Jerry Taff, Tim
McChain, Helen Yee, R.J. Tully, Joshua Brink, and Catherine
Cassidy. And best of luck to you on all your investments -
especially the non-financial ones. Those are the only kind that
really mean anything in the end, anyway.
Have A Financially Solvent Week,
IMPORTANT NOTE: Send all Sunday Funnies contributions
and communications to the newer Email address at:
sunfun@wi.rr.com The old address at <
billbb@compuserve.com > will be gone soon, and we'd
hate to miss hearing from you.
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BY ANY OTHER NAME?
-----------------
In it's continuing quest to continue doing truly foolish
things, ENRON executives announced recently that they are working
to find a new name for the troubled company.
That this follows long tradition went mostly unnoticed by
the public and business media. The previous record holder for
largest and stupidest bankruptcy belongs to the Penn Central
Railroad, which hit the skids in June of 1970 leaving over
100,000 creditors holding the bag. The corporate corpse of that
financial meltdown later changed its name as well, hiding out
under the alias of American Premier Underwriters and got into the
insurance business. Somehow, most people who had any dealings
with the smelly mess that was Penn Central think its amazingly
appropriate that the corporate shell has P.U. in its name.
To help out the board at ENRON in coming up with a
replacement name, America's National Public Radio asked listeners
for their suggestions for a replacement name. Here are some of
the more popular responses:
- End-Run Corporation
- The Houston Stealers (Harry Pauley)
- Chapter Elevenron (Bob White)
- Kenny Lay and the Fifth Amendments (Greg Estes)
- KenRob (Toby Chapman)
- Enwrong (Sonya Miller)
- EN-bezzle (Gordon McGrew)
- The Enron Valdez (Kurt Zschau)
- EndRot (Toby Chapman)
- The Fossil Fools (John Anarella)
- Titanic Offshore Holdings, Inc. (Jim Duff )
- Engervitis ("Looks bad on your portfolio and leaves a really
bad taste in your mouth." - Dennis Mahoney)
- Enerjive (Jeff Mio)
- Ploys-R-Us (Ilma Levine)
- Allgone (Carl Silverman)
- Oil of Ken Lay (Richard Gordon)
- Scamulent Technologies (Gordon McGrew)
- Rising Stock, Hidden Partnerships (Peter Langan)
Or, perhaps the most appropriate new name:
- Moron."
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MORE NAME GAMES...
---------------
What's in a name? A long-circulating bit of Internet trivia
claims that the most valuable brand names on Earth are "Marlboro,
Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order."
Perhaps surprising for a Net-forward, it was right - at one
time.
An organization called Interbrand conducts a yearly survey
to determine just who is the most recognized corporation -
obviously important info in a small world where you can advertise
on CNN via satellite to nearly a hundred countries. The data in
that forwarded Email is old news, sadly enough for Marlboro and
Bud - they have tumbled to 11th and 26th place on the recognition
survey, respectively. Coke has done better, though, reigning as
the current number one, as of last year's survey. The "Real
Thing" is followed by Microsoft and IBM. The rest of the world
standard top ten are: (in order) General Electric, Nokia, Intel,
Disney, Ford, McDonald's, and AT&T.
More proof that you have to stay up to date.
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TAKING LICENSE...
--------------
England's James Bond had a license to kill. Now come a spy
with mission as well, just as secretive, just as sneaky, and with
even more dirty tricks than Bond. HQ assigned him to cause
maximum trouble to the enemy. How is he different than the Spy
Who Loved Us?
For one thing, no one ever accused the elegant Mr. Bond of
taking more than 10 items to the express checkout.
That's right, England's current top spies are the secret
shoppers for Safeway Supermarkets, Britain's Number four chain.
When Wal-Mart-owned Asda Food stores started an "ad match"
promotion claiming to match their rivals advertised prices, it
was war. Asda has sightings of the intruders all over the
country, invading the stores and clogging up checkouts, causing
as much chaos as possible.
"In a case such as this it's perfectly fair to put this
(Ad-match) to the test and that's exactly what our staff have
been doing at local level," a Safeway spokeswoman said.
And like all wars, the truth is an early casualty. The
shopper spies resort to techniques Safeway HQ would rather not
discuss.
"We don't want to comment any further on our tactics other
than this is proof it's a very competitive marketplace," their
spokesman said.
Reportedly, the secret techniques have worked in this war of
the grocers. At one enemy store, "The queues on the other tills
were about 45 feet long and customers were dumping their baskets
and leaving," a store manager said. "One customer was given all
his frozen food for nothing because he waited so long."
But Asda stores have been fighting back when they uncover
the undercover shoppers, either by blowing their cover by
announcing them on the PA system, or by shuttling them into
special lanes just for spies.
The UK grocery market is worth $144 billion a year, which
makes it all a very serious business. Expect some casualties
before this war is over. (Reuters)
[ "They got me with the frozen carrots. I
didn't have a chance..." ]
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HONESTY IN ADVERTISING?
----------------------
After all these years, folks still miss the forthright ads
placed by real estate salesman Roy Brooks, perhaps the most
honest home salesman ever to ply the trade.
Hmm... You might revise that to say the ONLY honest home
salesman.
Forget any euphemisms about desirable residences in need of
some refurbishment, Roy, who died twenty years ago, was famous
for calling them as he saw them. So famous that a recent book
called "Brothel in Pimlico," compiled some of his more
entertaining adverts. People waited all week for the real estate
ads in the Sunday Times and the Observer to read gems like:
- A house described as "exactly like its neighbors and nobody
could ever accuse it of being original, interesting or even
attractive."
- Of another house, in Chelsea, Brooks said: "The decor of the
nine rooms, some of which hangs inelegantly from the walls,
is revolting."
- There is no bathroom, of course, but Chelsea has excellent
public baths.
- Down the road, in the London district described by Brooks as
"darkest Pimlico," he once offered a "seedy family house"
with "decor peeling and fly-blown."
- "A lightly built member of our staff negotiated the basement
stair but our Mr. Halstead went crashing through."
We're happy to report that the firm founded by Brooks
continues to sell flats all around London with occasional echoes
of the work of the master. One recent ad described a property
currently for sale as: "Almost certainly the scruffiest
two-bedroom flat we've seen for long time." (Reuters)
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BUSINESS REALLY IS GOING TO THE DOGS...
------------------------------------
Usually, when you say a business has gone to the dogs, it
isn't a good thing. But that apparently isn't true in Thailand.
In fact one street vendor is lapping it up thanks to his faithful
friend.
Balloon seller Winai Pimchasai, 34, used to make only 60
baht ($1.60) a day on the streets of Nakorn Prathom, near
Bangkok. His luck changed when he rescued a mongrel that had
been hit by a car. The dog, dressed in sunglasses, a yellow
T-shirt and with a bucket for money, now sells four times as many
balloons as Winai and the peddlar pooch can earn up to 300 baht a
day on its own.
"Most passers-by drop coins in the bucket but won't take a
balloon," Pimchasai said. "He is now the bread winner in the
family."
Surprisingly, the balloon seller isn't the only one to make
money with pets in the down economy in Thailand. Home builders
have also hit on the canine trade to tide them over.
Architect Preechaya Suriyamat says her custom-made dog
kennels - complete with dormer windows, mosquito nets and tiled
floors - are targeted at the dogs who have everything, but whose
owners can't afford to buy the property they would have bought
for themselves before the Asian financial crisis.
"We thought about alternatives during the down period on the
property market and dog houses looked quite promising," Preechaya
Suriyamat, manager of Dog House Architects, told Reuters.
Wealthy folks who can't afford a new house will spring for a
custom-made cedar doghouse priced between $198 and $396.
"The kennels are made to order, that's why people like
them," Preechaya said.
Preechaya will also design for cats. (Reuters)
[ Of course, houses for cats cost so much
more because cats insist on hiring a
decorator. ]
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LET THERE BE LIGHT - BUT IT'LL COST YOU...
---------------------------------------
We have not yet conclusively determined how many people it
takes to change a light bulb. But, thanks to the wonders of cost
accounting, we now know exactly how much it costs, at least at
the headquarters of the British Broadcast Corporation.
Like so many things in England, BBC has been both downsized
and privatized, with many former government jobs going to the
private sector "to save money."
Hard to believe, though... According to their new office
supplier Land Securities Trillium, having a light bulb changed
will set your department back $27. It will also take 40 hours,
according to a report published in the BBC's internal company
newsletter, The Aerial.
The new system has been in place for about four months now,
and management is sure they are saving money, calling the
confusion, "These are just initial teething problems."
They blamed the high priced quote on an error made by an
inexperienced help desk operator. (Reuters)
[ Light bulbs or not, BBC's management has
been in the dark for a long time. ]
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LIFE AMONG THE CUBANS...
---------------------
If you work in a modern office, you likely work in a cube.
There are, of course, some serious problems with this:
Drawbacks to working in a cubicle
---------------------------------
- That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button,
I will get a piece of cheese.
- Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first
seeing who is behind me.
- Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any
kind of gun fire.
- Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
- My walls are too close together for my hammock to work
right.
- 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
- Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds - and
toilets.
- When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
- You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
- Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm stuck in a
box all day!
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© 2002 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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