Greetings Criminologists,
Overall, living a life of crime is not a very good career
choice. For the most part, it seems to appeal to two distinct
groups of people: 1.) clever types who feel that the world owes
them and who get a rush out of living by their wits flouting
normal society and conventions, and B.) those who are both
envious and stupid.
While the former may make excellent caper movies, like
Hitchcock's "To Catch A Thief," the supply of crooks with the wit
and style of a Cary Grant are severely limited. The IQ of the
other sort of crooks is also severely limited, which makes them
the far funnier bunch of criminal messterminds. While not smart
doesn't always equal not dangerous, it is somehow comforting to
realize just how many crooks limit their criminal careers by
being complete morons. The stories of their stupidity are
legendary, of course. So much so that I have to take special
pains to verify each of these silly stories as being the real
deal, as reported by respected press agencies (i.e. Not from the
National Enquirer, Reader's Digest or the Darwin Awards).
The fact that actual crooks can be this inane is strangely
satisfying, as if to say that we certainly wouldn't be that
stupid if we chose a life of crime. Unless we were stupid enough
to choose a life of crime, of course. In which case we would be
smart enough... Well, you get the idea.
Thanks this week to SUNFUN's crack team of crimefighters:
Jerry Taff, Stan Leung, Rosana Y Leung, Eva Lu YuHwa, Kenn Venit,
Antonia Chan, Junji & Miki Taniguchi, Jan Michalski, Tomoko
Naito, Chuck Maray, The Peterson's, Jack & Sherrie Gervais,
Caterina Sukup, Carol J. Becwar, Helen Yee, Kerry Miller, Bruce
Gonzo, Tim McChain, R.J. Tully, Joshua Brink and Charles Beckman.
Thanks to all for the great stories and encouragement, which
helps to keep this silly thing going week after week. To
paraphrase what they used to say of the old "Dragnet" TV show:
Remember - the stories you are about to read are true. The names
may have been changed to protect the stupid.
Have A Crime-Free Week,
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ANOTHER SHIFTLESS CRIMINAL...
--------------------------
Fanaticism, someone once said, is redoubling your efforts
when you've forgotten your original aim. Our most current
demonstration of the criminal branch of that philosophy (ignoring
ENRON for the moment), may be carjacker Reggie Hamden of
Torrance, California.
Spotting a car he coveted, criminal Reggie ran out at a
traffic light, yanked open the door and forced the startled
driver into the passenger seat.
At this point, it was Reggie's turn to be startled. The car
had a manual transmission, which the shiftless crook had never
learned how to drive. Rather than abandon the inappropriate
auto, Reggie struggled along, even forcing the owner to shift
gears for him. With the dimwitted desperado barely able to get
the car moving, they jerked and sputtered down the street,
attracting the attention of other motorists, eventually including
the police. Caught in the clutch and with the cops closing in,
Reggie attempted to rabbit by throwing open the door and jumping
out.
Unfortunately, the car was still rolling slowly down the
street and the crazed carjacker somehow got tangled up in the
seatbelt as he bailed out. The slow moving car dragged Reggie
down the road until it eventually stalled out.
Police untangled the far-worse-for-wear crook and read him
his rights - after they stopped laughing.
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TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN
----------------------
There are many times when scenes from real life eventually
make it into a movie, but precious few when a comedy scene is
replayed outside the cinema.
So it was when a man in his 20's walked into the Lorain
National Bank and presented a note to a teller last December in
Avonlake, Ohio.
The note said, simply "$1,000."
"She asked him if he wanted the money from his checking or
savings account," said Sgt. Jack Hall of the Avon Lake police.
"He looked at her and said, 'What?'"
After that moment's pause the man told the teller, "No, I
think you know what I mean."
Apparently deciding he was now confused, the blank bandit
ran out empty handed.
But the story doesn't end there. The confused crook tried
the same thing a few minutes later at the FirstMerit Bank less
than a mile away. Except that this time, the teller immediately
took the note to security. The robber - who didn't brandish a
weapon or make any threats - ran out and drove off in a beat-up
Ford Taurus or Mercury Sable. Police are looking.
"He doesn't sound like the sharpest knife in the drawer,"
admitted Lt. Mike Bulger. (ABC News)
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DROP IN ANY TIME...
----------------
Thrill-seeker Robert Tompkins allegedly broke into a 36-
story building in downtown Los Angeles in order to parachute off
of the 496-foot-tall (150 Meter) structure.
Only one problem: he set off an alarm and police had
already been called before his death-defying leap. And while the
coppers might take a dim view of his methods, they had no trouble
at all with his choice of landing spots.
Tompkins landed directly on the squad car.
"He broke a front light," said Officer Guillermo Campos, a
spokesman for the Los Angeles police department, referring to the
squad car. Tompkins, 29, was apparently uninjured. Police
removed the parachutist from the roof and read him his rights.
He has been charged with trespassing.
His adventure was probably doomed from the start, among
other offices, the building he chose housed the local offices of
the FBI. (Reuters)
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I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ONE, HONEST!
---------------------------------
When is honesty not the best policy?
While it is always a good idea to be honest when filling out
job applications, it is sometimes better to gloss over certain
embarrassing facts.
That is especially true if the job you are applying for is
that of police officer and the fact you're glossing over is that
you are wanted in another state for several counts of armed
robbery and carjacking.
Applicant Edwin Gaynor admitted as much when applying to the
Baltimore police Department. When the entry form asked if he'd
ever committed a crime, he quite honestly checked "yes." The
startled interviewer asked for details and Gaynor provided them.
Verifying that he did indeed have a matching crime back home
in Kileen Texas, Gaynor was arrested to wait extradition.
"This is the first time this has happened as far as anyone
can remember," said Kevin Enright, a spokesman for the Baltimore
police department.
The suspect's mother, Alice Gaynor, told the Baltimore Sun
she though police must be mistaken. Her son was unemployed and
very interested in joining the police, she said.
"He always wanted to be one."
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DRESS FOR SUCCESS - Part 1
--------------------------
That lampshade on the head trick was apparently getting a
little stale, so Robin McCain decided to be the life of the party
by streaking around his friend's house naked.
Locating the party, McCain stripped off his clothes in the
alley and ran to the front sidewalk, ready to streak.
It was about that time he realized - dimly - that he wasn't
in front of his friend's house after all.
"He'd been drinking," noted Lt. Bob Berndt of the La Crosse,
Wisconsin police department.
The 23-year-old was arrested last Tuesday after residents on
Pine Street complained of a naked man running through their
neighborhood. The party was nearby on Vine Street. McCain hid
in the bushes and tried to get back to his clothing, but alarmed
neighbors spotted him and called police.
"Apparently he had done that some other time and it got big
laughs," said Berndt. "Unfortunately he got in the wrong area."
Eventually he gave up and was charged with disorderly
conduct. (ABC News)
[ He probably left the address in his pants
pocket... ]
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DRESS FOR SUCCESS - Part 2
--------------------------
Fashion police? That's what the cops in San Diego felt like
when they picked up Richard Hansen. Hansen had walked away from
a halfway house in Chula Vista, California a short time before,
and knew the police were looking for him. It was, of course,
critical that he blend in with the general population to avoid
getting caught.
This is where fashion choice enters into the story. Hansen
chose to hide in plain site while wearing a bright orange shirt
with the word "FUGITIVE" printed on it in large block letters. A
curious police officer checked, he was, and he's in jail, booked
on suspicion of violating parole. Stranger still, the shirt
wasn't official issue.
"It was just a shirt that he had," said Lt. Ken Franke of
the San Diego Harbor Police. "It's so bizarre. It doesn't get
much easier." (ABC News)
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AN EARLY JUDGEMENT DAY...
----------------------
Some crimes are so dastardly that they seem destined to
fail, as if a higher power was in control.
So it was when, police say, Darryl Hill ran up behind a 79-
year-old nun in Dunedin, Florida, pushed her down and snatched
her purse. After grabbing Sister Mary Hoguet's pocketbook in the
parking lot of a Winn-Dixie supermarket, police say Hill
extracted a small amount of cash and dumped the purse in a trash
can, then thumbed a ride.
A higher power? Unfortunately for Hill, the guy who stopped
to give him a ride was a retired New York state trooper named
John Coyne, who was immediately suspicious, having spotted police
headed for the supermarket and Hill headed the other way.
"This fellow Hill looked like he needed to get out of the
area in a hurry," said Marianne Pasha, a spokeswoman for the
Pinellas County Sheriff's Department.
Coyne drove Hill to a motel, dropped him off and promptly
called police.
Sister Mary wasn't surprised.
"It's good to have friends in high places," she joked. (ABC
News)
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GOING IN STYLE
--------------
Some crooks just can't resist showing off.
A family on the shady side of the law in Buffalo, New York
contracted with the Zoladz Limo Service early last month, putting
the fancy ride on a Bank of America credit card, which was
rejected as stolen when the company tried to enter the charge.
Sending the limo anyway, the driver first picked up Charles
Rodgers, 43, at his home, and Westover Robinson, 43, at her home.
They then proceeded to pick up a 15-year-old boy at a local
Kmart.
After that, the officer driving the limo drove them directly
to jail, where police found the stolen credit card in the youth's
pocket, according to police.
The adults were charged with theft of services, criminal
impersonation, conspiracy and endangering the welfare of a child.
The boy was charged as a juvenile. (ABC News)
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THE WORLD'S DUMBEST ATTEMPTED ROBBERY?
-------------------------------------
Wrong victim, wrong time, wrong moves, wrong crime. Travis
Sunni, a very unlucky accused robber from Port St. Lucie, Florida
fits all of those award categories - and more.
He picked the home of an elderly man as being a likely
target very early one morning, and tried to talk his way in,
saying that his car had broken down and asking if he could make a
phone call. Suspicious homeowner C.L. Norvell let the crook use
his portable phone instead, keeping him outside on the step.
Then the 18-year-old tried to get in to use the bathroom.
But canny old gent wasn't buying that excuse either.
Finally getting down to business, the young bozo announced
he'd come to rob the homeowner. But young crook Sunni was he one
who ended up surprised; the man he was trying to hold up was the
retired sheriff of Port St. Lucie.
"The sheriff pulled a .38 out of his bath robe and said,
'It's best you get out of here,'" said Det. Tom Hickox. "The guy
took off running of course."
When the young crook took off, Sheriff Norvell called 911 -
a system he had helped set up while in office - and reported the
attempted crime.
The sheriff also wisely preserved the evidence; his portable
phone happens to have a Caller ID feature, so they knew what
number crook Sunni had dialed.
"The guy was stupid enough to call his own house," said
Hickox. "He talked to his mother, whom he lives with."
Sunni was arrested later that night, and charged with home
invasion, a first-degree felony.
As for Norvell, Hickox says that 18 years off the force
apparently hadn't slowed him down much.
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THE WINNER, AND STILL CHAMPION
------------------------------
"I'm not cut out to be a criminal," Micheal Anthone Jacobs
told reporters later. "For everybody that knows me, I'm just a
nice, cool guy."
That may be a matter of opinion.
Police in Mesa, Arizona claim that Jacobs first tried to
hold up a Walgreen Drug Store. Unfortunately he used a plastic
toy gun. In his nervousness, he fumbled the fake firearm which
fell to the floor and shattered.
"He stopped, picked up the pieces, and ran out," said Det.
Tim Gaffney.
The next night, Jacobs and an accomplice walked into an
Albertson's supermarket, and went up to the register with three
candy bars, Gaffney said. Jacobs handed the cashier a $20 bill
to pay for the snacks, and when she opened the register, he
allegedly sprayed her with pepper spray.
But the woman slammed the register shut before he could
reach in and grab any money. And things only got worse for the
hapless robber - remember the pepper spray?
"Unfortunately he is asthmatic, and had an asthma attack,"
Det. Gaffney said. As Jacobs stopped to use his inhaler, his
accomplice ran off. Police say that Jacobs then ran to his
rented getaway car, only to find he had locked the keys inside.
He broke the window with a rock, and drove away, but his
problems still weren't over.
"He forgot to turn on his lights," said Gaffney. Jacobs
drove past a police cruiser, got pulled over and arrested.
The 18-year-old was booked for one count of armed robbery
and two counts of aggravated robbery. (Reuters)
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STUCK FOR AN ALIBI...
------------------
Police in the Swedish city of Malmo had an easy time
apprehending the burglar who tried to break into a basement
studio early last month.
The 39-year-old crook forced open the doors to the apartment
building elevator with a large screwdriver. He then pressed the
button to go down.
Eleven hours later, he was discovered by police and an
elevator maintenance crew, still trapped in the damaged elevator
which hadn't responded since he broke in. Desperate to get out,
the bungling burglar ripped out electric cabling, smashed windows
in the elevator doors and even tried to set the building on fire
in a bid to set off the fire alarm so the fire brigade would come
to rescue him. No dice.
Police have suggested that his spending a few hours in a
tiny room was good training for his next few years. (ABC News)
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© 2002 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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