WHAT THE HEALTH?

Medical & Fitness Funnies

Greetings Fellow Patients,
     I guess we are all pretty sure that the profession that gets
the least respect is likely to be used car salesman, or
politician, but the most respected profession is harder to pin
down.  Though some might argue for religious leaders or
philanthropists, I think that most people would agree that the
medical profession is pretty close to the top.  And for good
reason, because most doctors are professional, dedicated and
surprisingly interested in keeping us alive and well.  Of course,
if they kept us perfectly well, then we wouldn't need doctors at
all, and they might be forced to become used car salespeople.
     Talking to doctors can be very intimidating.  For one thing,
they have their own language and terminology, which makes it hard
for the rest of us to understand just what they are talking about
- even when they are talking about some 'up close and personal'
part of us.  A doctor rarely says "kneecap" unless talking to a
civilian; that bone is a patella to the medicos.  Which could
make you think the docs are talking cigars.  The fact that this
doctor visit stuff is serious business that can make a difference
in how you lead the rest of your life is pretty scary, too.  And
no one doubts that hospitals can be very frightening places with
their own cultures and rules.
     A while back, I got a note from my cousin about a Funnies
article that she found useful.  She wanted to visit a woman she
worked with who was in the Intensive Care Unit at one of our
local hospitals.  Even the woman's family could only get in to
see her for short periods, like five minutes per hour.  But my
cousin found that the rule in "OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS!"  (SUNFUN
#162, 09/19/1999) works pretty well in that situation, namely
"... you can go anywhere you want if you just look serious and
wear a lab coat."  She tried it and got in to see her friend, but
even my cousin was intimidated by the procedures and scared she
might get caught.
     Did I mention that my cousin IS a doctor?  See...  Hospitals
are scary enough that they intimidate even the people who work
there.
     Thanks this week to some folks who aren't doctors, but make
us feel better anyway:  Beth Butler, Mike Tully, Kerry Miller,
Howard Lesniak, Carol Becwar, Jerry Taff, Tim McChain, Caterina
Sukup, Chuck Maray, Nnamdi Elleh, Laura Hong Li, Jan Michalski,
Bruce Gonzo, Helen Yee, Fumiko Umino, Ken Redmond, Brian Siegl,
Larry Sakar, Kiyomi Kanazawa, Michael Will, Anna Macareno, and
Ellen Peterson.  And while our doctors are really very nice
people and very good at what they do, I've always found that I
feel far better the less I see of them.  Nothing personal, Doc!
     Have A Healthy Week,


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THE DOCTOR SAID WHAT?
--------------------
     Before we go too far into this medical stuff, we have to try
to understand the strange language that the medical profession
uses.  So here is a short glossary of medical terms and what they
mean.

----------------------------------------------------

     Benign         What you be after you be eight.

     Artery         The study of paintings.

     Bacteria       The cafeteria's back entrance.

     Barium         What doctors do when patients don't make it.

     Caesarean      A neighborhood in Rome.
       Section 

     CAT scan       Searching the room for kitty.

     Cauterize      Made eye contact with her.

     Colic          A sheep dog.

     Coma           A punctuation mark.

     D & C          Where Washington is.

     Dilate         To live a long life.

     Enema          Not a friend.

     Fester         Quicker than someone else.

     Fibula         A small lie.

     Genital        Referring to a non-Jewish person.

     G.I. Series    World Series of military baseball.

     Hangnail       What you hang your coat on.

     Impotent       Distinguished, well known.

     Labor Pains    Getting hurt at work.

     Medical Staff  A Doctor's cane.

     Morbid         A higher offer at an auction.

     Nitrates       Generally cheaper than day rates.

     Node           Already knew it.

     Outpatient     A person under anesthetic.

     Pap Smear      A fatherhood test.

     Pelvis         Second cousin to Elvis.

     Post           A letter carrier.
       Operative

     Recovery Room  Place to do upholstery.

     Rectum         Ran off the road.

     Secretion      Hiding something.

     Seizure        A Roman emperor.

     Tablet         A small table.

     Terminal       Getting sick at the airport.
       Illness

     Tumor          An additional two.

     Urine          Opposite of you're out.

     Varicose       Near or close by.

     Vein           Conceited.


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THE WRITE STUFF...
---------------
     Between medical record and patient charts, everyone knows
that doctors do lots of writing.  And, as many studies have
shown, doctor's handwriting is notoriously illegible.  So, it
shouldn't surprise anyone that at least one teaching hospital is
trying a handwriting course specifically aimed at doctors.  
     "We want to be able to write just as quickly, but we want
people to be able to read what we write," said Dr. Paul
Hackmeyer, Chief of Medical Staff at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center
in Los Angeles.
     Nurses said their greatest problem was having to call
doctors to clarify their instructions because they could not read
the handwriting, and the doctors' biggest complaint was having to
take time out to answer those calls.
     To prove how bad doctor's handwriting really is, Dr.
Hackmeyer organized a contest in which his medical colleagues
tried to interpret orders written by two anonymous, 
calligraphically-challenged doctors.  The contest prize was dinner 
for two at the fancy Four Seasons restaurant in Beverly Hills.
     There were no winners.  (Reuters)


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MOST ACCIDENTS HAPPEN AT HOME...
-----------------------------
     According to hospital statistics compiled by emergency rooms
across Great Britain, the most dangerous article of clothing is:
slippers.  The lowly indoor footwear is involved in more serious
accidents than glass, nails or hot steam pipes.  The slipper
slip-ups included falling down stairs, people who broke toes
while putting them on and even people who were bitten while
wrestling their slippers away from the dog.


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MEDICAL TIP #43
---------------
     If your plastic surgeon's office decor features
     paintings by Picasso, find another surgeon.


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THE DANGERS OF UNPROTECTED SAX
------------------------------
     Doctors still aren't sure exactly why, but a study published
in the prestigious British Medical Journal shows that playing the
saxophone is hazardous to your health.  A study of musicians
showed that sax players are two-and-a-half times more likely to
die early than other musicians.


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I'M NOT A DOCTOR, BUT I PLAY ONE ON TV DEPARTMENT...
-------------------------------------------------
     Ever since the earliest days of TV, doctor shows have been
among the most popular TV series.  And TV doctors have had a wide
range of personalities, including the intense Ben Casey, the
ever-earnest Marcus Welby, and M*A*S*H's wisecracking army
medics.  But, after all this time, who is TV's top doc?
     In a recent poll of a thousand doctors in England, the
medics preferred slightly cynical over earnest and handsome. 
Alan Alda's Hawkeye Pierce from M*A*S*H easily beat "ER's"
handsome Dr. Doug Ross, portrayed by George Clooney.  Almost a
quarter of the doctors said they'd rather be compared to Hawkeye,
with only 15% favoring Dr. Ross.
     "The people who voted for Pierce liked the fact that he was
cynical but he was still doing the best for his patients," Tim
Burrowes, the editor of the newspaper Hospital Doctor, said.
     The real life docs said that they respected the
professionalism of both of the popular fictional doctors, but
they especially appreciated Hawkeye's funny side.
     "I always liked him because he was really good at his job
and he did it with humor," said one woman voter who had wanted to
be a doctor since she was three years old.  (Reuters)


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A SURGEON WITH FEW HANGUPS...
--------------------------
     Most surgeons are pretty careful about what they do and say
when a patient is awake during surgery.  But one doctor who
didn't ended up in hot water last fall.
     A doctor at Hong Kong's Queen Mary Hospital reportedly
interrupted a patient's intestinal operation for an important
consultation with his car dealer.  According to the patient, taxi
driver Chung Chi-Cheong, his surgeon stopped mid-operation to
take the call on his cell phone.
     "I was surprised because the conversation had nothing to do
with my medical condition," Chung said.  "The conversation was
about buying a car and how much the car cost."
     Queen Mary Hospital said it was considering disciplining the
surgeon and had apologized to the patient.  (Reuters)


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"WHAT DID YOU MEAN, OOPS??!!!" DEPARTMENT
----------------------------------------
     As the Hong Kong doctor above found out, there are some
things you don't want to talk about while working on a patient. 
Here are some more things you definitely wouldn't want to hear
during surgery:


   - "Nurse?  Call my insurance agent and check on my liability
     coverage."

   - "OK, but, if this is his spleen, then what's that over
     there?"

   - "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"

   - "Hmm...  Page three of the instructions seems to be
     missing."

   - "Better save that.  We'll need it for the autopsy."

   - "Wow!  I didn't even know a human could bend that way."

   - "I'm sorry, we must not have used quite enough anesthesia. 
     Just relax, we'll be done pretty soon now."

   - "Someone call housekeeping - we're going to need a mop."

   - "Hold the patient still, we've almost pried it open."

   - "Did the doctor know he would look like that afterward ?"

   - "Hey, Charlie!  Unzip the bag on that one, he's still
     moving."

   - "Check the PDR and see if anyone has ever survived 500 ml of
     this stuff before."

   - "Hand me that... uh... that, uh...  Long, shiny thingie."

   - "What do you mean it was the wrong patient ?"

   - "Damn, there go the lights again...."

   - "At least it won't rattle when he walks."

   - "Hey, practice makes perfect.  We'll get it right next
     time."

   - "Nah, I'm not worried.  He's got two of them."

   - "... and since that eye exam this morning, I've had the
     hardest time focusing on anything."

   - "OK, everybody calm down.  Get me a pipe wrench, a portable
     radio, a test tube, five feet of #10 wire and a bag of
     charcoal briquettes."

   - "Nurse, make sure you're getting all this down.  If nothing
     else, it will make a great 'ER' script."


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