LIFE IN THE 90'S!

Greetings again, SUNFUNers!
          A couple of years back, I returned from a trip to find 
that I had a few funny articles waiting in my Email.  Those jokes 
came at a good time; I had been visiting a friend who was going 
through a tough time, and as wonderful as that visit was, I knew 
there were many storms ahead.  Since I'd already been sending out 
occasional funny stories via Email on an irregular basis, the 
jump to doing Funnies as a weekly column seemed a small step. 
Then you all started to send me more and more great stuff.  In 
many ways, it's easier to do Funnies now than in the beginning. 
The only hard part many weeks is deciding what to leave out.
          I have to agree with comedian Jay Leno when he said, 
"Thank God for the news -- the humor from it writes itself."  
Not quite true, of course, but close enough.  There are so many 
funny things that happen when you have a few billion people 
sharing one small planet.
          Special thanks this week to Carol Becwar, for writing 
last week's Funnies and giving me a week off.  Also thanks to: 
Jerry Taff, Peter Adler, Laura Hong Li & Derek, Ellen Peterson, 
Sylvia Libin He, Timothy McChain, Fumiko David, Beth Butler, 
Sue Yan and Dale Frederickson.  Thanks for all your help over 
these past two years.  OK, I know, the week is just starting and 
you've already got a million things to do.  Here's the Funnies...
          Have a great week!

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BEFORE THE BEEP...
---------------
     As much as we all claim to hate answering machines, they
have become one of the necessities of modern-day life.  Most
messages are pretty simple, something on the order of "we're not
here, leave a message."  But some are much more creative...

   - "Hi! John's answering machine is broken.  This is his
     refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
     message to myself with one of these magnets."

   - "Hi. Now you say something."

   - "Hi.  I am probably home -- I'm just avoiding someone I
     don't like.  Leave me a message, and if I don't call back,
     it's you."

   - "This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
     thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your
     name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can
     reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

   - "Hello.  I am David's answering machine.  What are you?"

   - "Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
     Agency.  We know who you are and what you want, so at the
     sound of the tone, please hang up."

   - "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
     right now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone
     until I call you back."

   - "You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You
     feel very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your
     willpower and your ability to resist suggestions.  When you
     hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave
     your name, number, and a message."

   - "Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of
     receiving messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows,
     or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean.  They give to
     charity through the office and don't need their picture
     taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and number
     and they will get back to you."

   - "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning
     our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. 
     Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us
     a message."

   - "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
     voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored
     for later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be
     able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands
     of illegal and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for
     this initial consultation.  However, our staff of
     professional extortionists will contact you in the near
     future to further explain the benefits of our service, and
     to arrange for your schedule of payment.  Remember to speak
     clearly at the sound of the tone.
     Thank you."


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EXPLOITED WORKERS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!  AHH... UNITE!
----------------------------------------------------
     The 1990's have been a tough time for employee relations. 
Management pushes for higher productivity and increased sales
goals while limiting pay increases and advancement.  That has
encouraged many workers to join unions, and union membership is
growing again in the U.S. after years of decline.
     One group of workers in Anchorage, Alaska recently
petitioned the National Labor Relations board to conduct an
election as the first step in forming a union.  The workers claim
that their employer is arbitrary, abusive and unresponsive in
correcting unsafe working conditions.
     "Our main concerns are that our working environment be safe,
that we aren't verbally abused and sexually harassed by
management," said Nina Rose, one of the campaign's leaders.
     Which makes it sound all the more likely that the dancers at
Anchorage's "Showboat Lounge" strip club will be showing the
union label -- just where they'll be showing the label, I
wouldn't want to guess!  (REUTERS)
[ 

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     "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every
     four Americans is suffering from some form of mental
     illness.  Think of your three best friends.  If they
     are okay, then it's you."
                                 - Rita Mae Brown

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TALKING TO YOURSELF...
-------------------
     Many places are passing laws that discourage people from
driving while talking on a mobile phone.  That happened recently
in Chile, long known for its fast drivers and terrible accidents. 
In fact police there stopped 49 people in one day for yakking
while driving.
     Apparently though, status is the largest single reason to
own a mobile phone in Chile, since fully one third of the drivers
pulled over were talking to an imitation phone made from a block
of wood painted black.


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LIFE IN THE FAST LANE...
---------------------
     Life in the 90's is different than just a few years back. 
Life now is clearly faster, more stressful and less secure than
we ever imagined.  No wonder some people go off the rails
occasionally.  So how into the 90's lifestyle are you?  Do these
sound familiar?

   - Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags
     out of the back seat of your car.

   - Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that
     they do not have Email addresses.

   - Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's web page to
     your bookmarks.

   - You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and
     bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that don't get
     crossed off.

   - You have faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

   - You consider second-day air delivery to be painfully slow.

   - You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing
     cabinet.

   - Your idea of being organized is using more than one color of
     Post-It notes.

   - Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some
     of the products aren't even made any more.

   - You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways
     to improve their process.

   - You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear a
     sweatshirt to work.

   - You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as
     deliverables.

   - You find you really need to use PowerPoint and a white board
     to explain to your kids what you do for a living.

   - You often eat out of vending machines and at the most
     expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

   - You think that "progressing an action plan" and
     "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

   - You know the people at the airport hotels better than your
     next door neighbors.

   - You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making
     plans for going out Friday night.

   - You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put
     his ideas into a matrix.

   - You think a "half-day" means leaving work at 5 o'clock.


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JUST HAPPY TO BE HERE...
---------------------
     The Des Moines (Iowa) Register reported late last year that
a guy named Daniel Long had been fired from his job as a greeter
at the local Wal-Mart.  Wal-Mart greeters are generally happy
souls, who are supposed to be there as a little extra touch to
make life more pleasant for shoppers.  According to state
employment records, Long was fired after he referred to one of
the store's customers as a "snob," and another as a "fat
elephant."  In addition, he told another shopper that she had to
be "smarter than the cart" to get two shopping carts unstuck.


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BETTER LIVING THROUGH CHEMISTRY DEPARTMENT
------------------------------------------
     With Viagra such a world-wide hit, the Pfizer company is
planning to bring out a whole line of drugs oriented towards
improving the performance of men in today's society:

   - DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving
     on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask
     directions when they got lost, compared to a control group
     of 0.2 percent.

   - PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far
     more likely to finish a household repair project before
     starting a new one.

   - CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden,
     over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks -
     especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."

   - COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged
     men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a
     new hairstyle.  Currently being tested to see if its effects
     extend to noticing new clothing when used at higher doses.

   - BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a
     sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and
     gifts after taking this drug for only two days.  Still to be
     seen:  whether the drug can be continued for a period longer
     than your favorites store's return limit.

   - NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making
     men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse
     with other family members.

   - FLATULAGRA - This complex drug limits men's noxious
     intestinal gases.  Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for
     long car rides.

   - FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in
     treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).  Especially
     useful for men on Viagra.

   - PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave
     men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the
     personal affairs of other people.  Note: Apparent over-dose
     turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

   - LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when
     being asked about their sexual affairs.  The drug company
     has announced that it will be made available in Regular,
     Grand Jury and Presidential Strength doses.

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© 1998 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.