Greetings Sportsfans!
Why do we watch sports? As someone who hardly ever stops
channel surfing at the game of any week, I don't know. So, why
did I pose the question? Simple. I had to get into this silly
introduction and get you reading along somehow. See, now your
hooked. Isn't it just the same thing ABC does with Monday Night
Football? Once they get you watching, it gets harder and harder
to turn the thing off. Momentum is a great factor in time-
wasting. Sure, you know a game is probably just two bottom-of-
the-standings gangs of losers tearing up the middle of some
football stadium for no good reason, but you watch it anyway.
It's called ratings, and that's what advertisers pay for.
On that basis, the guys who brought us the original junk
sport, TV wrestling, figured they could get fans to watch any
bunch of guys in football helmets if they made it loud, mean and
obnoxious enough, so they gave us the XFL. And we gave it back.
The ratings dropped faster than Enron shares with the final games
having about the same viewing audience as a water-polo tournament
on late-night cable. The most surprising thing about the league
is that they made it all the way to their world championship,
which critics derided as "The StuporBowl." One thing XFL owner
and World Wrestling Federation loudmouth Vince McMahon never made
clear was just what the "X" in XFL stood for. League officials
at various times suggested Xciting, Xplosive, Xtreme and Gen-X,
with McMahon saying stood for whatever anyone wants. I will bet
that "X-tinct" or "X-it" weren't quite what he had in mind.
Not deserting us is the audience of all you fine folks who
weekly let us know the score. Thanks to all of you, as usual,
especially the folks who regularly provide material. Among the
good sports we've heard from this week: Etsuko Hori, Caterina
Sukup, Jerry Taff, Tim McChain, Bruce Gonzo, Wallace Adams, Carol
J. Becwar, Anna Macareno, Jan Michalski, Howard Lesniak, Candice
St. Jacques, Charles Beckman, and R.J. Tully. We watch sports
because they mirror the hopes and achievements we all strive for.
Through these contests, we learn about life, even about
ourselves. Now, while you're watching the real sports in the
upcoming Winter Olympics, keep in mind the wise words of Olympic
Luge Gold Medal winner for 1996, Carmen Boyle:
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Pretty good advice when you're just a couch potato, too,
actually.
Have A Super Week,
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SIGNS YOUR FOOTBALL SEATS ARE TOO FAR AWAY
------------------------------------------
- You have to look down to see the Goodyear blimp
- The hot dog vendors also sell oxygen
- It looks like the refs are making good calls
- Can't see through cloud cover
- The game's over before you even get there.
- You need a passport to get to the beer stand
- There's a mountain goat eyeing your nachos.
- You can wave at airplane passengers.
- You hardly notice that little green postage stamp down there
is shaped like a football field.
- The beer vendors are St. Bernards.
- You have to rest at base camp before starting the final
ascent to your seats.
- You can get a better view of the game going on in a
different city.
- You get a nosebleed from being at such a high altitude.
- Eagles are nesting three seats over.
- The section you're in has Sherpas instead of ushers.
- The seats cost less than a new car.
- You think you saw Buffalo score a touchdown
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AMAZING TRUE SPORTS FACTS...
-------------------------
The umpire's dressing room at the Seattle Mariner's Safeco
Field have signs - in braille!
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GLASS JAW AWARD...
---------------
In October of 1999, Daniel James, a semi-pro boxer in
England, set a new British boxing record. Immediately at the
start of the fight, he decked opponent Steve Tuckett with a
perfect left hook in a light-welterweight contest.
Time of the fight: 13 seconds, INCLUDING the referee's count
of ten. Making it the fastest knock-out in boxing history.
(Reuters)
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ALL BETS ARE OFF...
----------------
Ah, the sport of king's. It's a frightfully expensive sport,
whether you own horses or just bet on them. And never a sure
thing - with one notable exception: Quixall Crosset.
Sure, you've heard of legendary, noble steeds like Mon-O-War
and Secretariat. Why not Quixall Crosset? QC is a famous horse,
covered by media from around the world. And certainly memorable
to anyone whose bet on him - and lost.
We can say with certainty that it was a loss, since, at last
tally, the 16-year-old gelding had managed a new British record
of 103 straight losses. Quixall Crosset is to horse racing what
the Chicago Cubs are to baseball. In his last race of the
season, the plodding escapee from a glue factory even dumped his
rider in mid-race five gates from the finish. The 16-year-old
jumper entered the record books as the first horse in the country
to clock up that many defeats without ever winning.
Strangely, in his later races over the last two years, the
gimpy gelding has developed quite a following, even inspiring his
own website at: http://www.quixall-crossett.co.uk
"He has a loyal following of backers who regularly put a
pound or two on him," said a spokesman for bookmakers Ladbroke's
in 1999 after QC's 87th defeat in a row. In that race, odds on
the horse winning in the money had dropped to 100-1. But there's
no talk of the elderly equine retiring.
Assistant trainer Geoff Sanderson said: "I would love him to
get his head in front [win] because he deserves it. He's still
in love with the game. He doesn't know he is 16."
All was not gloom after loss 103, either; in the parade ring
before the race, Quixall Crossett was judged to be the best
turned-out horse. (Reuters)
[ Which is the horsey set's equivalent to
Miss Congeniality. ]
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QUOTH THE SPORTSMEN...
-------------------
- Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at
every level, except college and pro."
- Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the hard training of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six
o'clock in he morning regardless of what time it is."
- "He wants Texas back."
- Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when
asked what terms Mexican-born
pitching sensation Fernando
Valenzuela might settle for in his
upcoming contract negotiations
- Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, was asked by a reporter
if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season was
the result of poor physical conditioning: "One player was
lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting
a nose in condition for football?"
- "I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around
in satin underwear, fighting over a belt?... The one who
wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It's the
accessory connection I love.
- John McGivern
- "Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do
with it."
- Phyllis Diller
- "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the
toss next time."
- Mike McCormack, coach of the
hapless 1981 Baltimore Colts after
the team's co-captain, offensive
guard Robert Pratt, was injured
running onto the field for the coin
toss.
- Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints General Manager, when asked
after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed
to comment on lousy officiating."
- Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I
told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or
apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
- "It's basically the same, just darker."
- Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on
racing Saturday nights as opposed
to Sunday afternoons
- "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
- Torrin Polk, University of Houston
receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins
- Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting
what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son,
looks to me like you're spending too much time on one
subject."
- "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As
general manager, I just can't figure out where else to
play."
- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general
manager, on his team's 7-27 record
- "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes
first.
- New Orleans Saints running back
George Rogers when asked about the
upcoming season
- And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over
my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the
Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
- "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going
to be an uncle or an aunt."
- Chuck Nevitt, 1982 North Carolina
State basketball player, explaining
to Coach Jim Valvano why he
appeared nervous at practice
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"I'm a golfer - not an athlete."
- Lee Westwood of Britain, the
world's fifth-ranked golfer.
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PRIME'D TO WIN...
--------------
Some schools are famous for their fine sports teams. And
some aren't. Not that they can't win sometimes. Famous for
producing Japanese prime ministers more than sports teams, Tokyo
University finally had a winning baseball season in 1999. About
time, too, after 24 years in the loss column. The 4-1 win over
cross-town rival Meiji University was all the sweeter for being
the first win any of the players could remember hearing about.
Pitcher Ryohei Endo's win broke a 92- game losing streak.
Despite the rare win, Tokyo University still claimed the
bottom spot in Tokyo's six-school university league for the year.
(Reuters)
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THE HITCHCOCK DEFENSE...
---------------------
This one is pretty far out there, but given the history of
MIT academic wins and sporting losses against Harvard over the
last century, or so, it is just possible.
As the story goes, an MIT student visited the Harvard
football stadium every day all summer long and walked up and down
the field wearing a black and white striped shirt and throwing
birdseed around for fifteen minutes every day before blowing a
whistle.
Legend has it that with the first Harvard home game, the ref
walked onto the gridiron and blew his whistle - and the game had
to be delayed for half an hour to chase the birds off the field.
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"I don't believe for a second weight lifting is a
sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down
again. To me, that's indecision."
- Paula Poundstone
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THE TRUE FAN...
------------
Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his
company as a sales premium. Unfortunately, when he got to the
stadium, he realized that his seat was in the last row in the
corner - closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
Just after the game started, Bob noticed an empty seat only
10 rows off the field and right on the 50-yard line. He decided
to take a chance and walk all the way down to grab the single
empty seat in the stadium.
As he sat down, he asked the old gentleman next to him,
"Excuse me, is this seat open?"
"Yup," the old man replied.
Excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob
exclaimed, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replied, a little sadly, "Well, actually, the seat
belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she
passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to
together since we started going in 1968."
"That's really sad," said Bob, "I'm happy to be here, but,
I'm surprised you couldn't you find someone to take the seat...
A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, shaking his head wistfully. "They're
all at the funeral."
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© 2002 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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