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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #277 - 12/02/2001

ALMOST LIVE!

We Get Shocked by Current Events

Howdy All,
     It seems like just when we are about to get settled into a
comfortable way of living, something comes along to upset the
whole apple cart.  If it just happened once or twice, it wouldn't
be all the bad.  But the hits just keep on coming, leading many
of us to hum the title tune from that 1950's musical, "Stop The
World, I Want To Get Off."  Lotsa luck folks, there's no stopping
it.  So, as the world keeps spinning around fast enough that we
are all getting pretty dizzy, we just have to hang on to each
other for support.
     So many things have been happening lately that it's time to
throw away the book - again - and just look at the news of the
week.  One topic just can't contain it all this week, no more
than we could bisect a sneeze.  So many weird things happened
that it's impossible to fit them all in.  And while a fair number
of really tragic events occurred, there are many others that
leave you wondering "what - if anything - were these people
thinking?"
     Much reported in the press three months ago was the so-
called "death of irony."  Irony is not dead, it was just
vacationing on a tropical island for a while.  Now, tan and
relaxed, it is back at work, giving perspective to American-style
satire and parody.  The death of irony?  We have a government
that says our freedoms have to be curtailed in the defense of
liberty and that the best thing we can do is move on with our
lives and travel like crazy, which is impossible to do because of
the mile-long security lines at the airports.  If irony had
actually died, these alone would have raised it up like Lazarus
to sing and dance again.
     Thanks this week, and every week for that matter, to all of
our friends and supporters from all over.  Hello and Thanks to: 
Jerry Taff, Caterina Sukup, Jan Michalski, R.J. Tully, Bruce
Gonzo, Paul Roser, Tim McChain, Carol J. Becwar, Ellen Peterson,
Wallace Adams, Kerry Miller, Paul Weyrich and Joel & Kristan
Conrad.  It has been a little more of a challenge to do this
crazy thing lately, with all of the world's events crowding in. 
But usually, the best response to anything is laugh.  You'd be
amazed how much trouble I get into at funerals.
     Have An Ironic Week,

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     "I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the
     wealthiest guy in Afghanistan.  That's when you know
     your government is no good, when the wealthiest guy in
     the country lives in a cave."
                            - Jay Leno 

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NO NUKES IS GOOD NUKES?
----------------------
     One of the persistent rumors about bin Laden and his gang of
thugs is whether they have the big one - an atom bomb.  Reporters
and investigators around the world have been hot on the trail of
anything that would answer the question.  And some British
reporters searching through an abandoned "al-Qaida safe house" in
Kabul, Afghanistan, last week found one document they called the
"smoking gun," that gave detailed plans on how to build a working
thermonuclear device.  The reporters immediately filed stories
detailing al-Qaida's atomic intentions.  They should have done a
little more checking.
     In his Nov. 15 article in the Times of London, journalist
Anthony Loyd wrote that next to "physics and chemistry manuals
devoted to molecular matter," he discovered the document, much of
which had him confused:
     "The vernacular quickly spun out of my comprehension," he
wrote. But some of it even Loyd could comprehend: "There were
phrases through the mass of chemical symbols and physics jargon
that anyone could understand, including notes on how the
detonation of TNT compresses plutonium into a critical mass
producing a nuclear chain reaction and eventually a thermonuclear
reaction."
     Except that anyone with basic science knowledge could have
told them that these Taliban plans were a few neutrons short of
critical mess.
     Here's a couple of samples from the actual note:

     "Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure,
     refined Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous.  Wash your
     hands with soap and warm water after handling the
     material, and don't allow your children or pets to play
     in it or eat it.  Any leftover Plutonium dust is
     excellent as an insect repellant.  You may wish to keep
     the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your
     local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do nicely."

     and...

     "Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear
     device!  It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a
     pinch, can be used for national defense."

     Doesn't quite sound like a science textbook, does it?
     It took less serious reporters only a short while to
determine that the piece came from a 1979 article called "Let's
Make a Thermonuclear Device!" in the "Weekend Scientist" column
of the comic science magazine "Journal of Irreproducible
Results."
     "Pretty much every line of it is a joke," said Marc
Abrahams, a former editor of the now-defunct Journal, who edits a
successor publication called "The Annals of Improbable Research." 
These are the same folks who sponsor the Ig Nobel awards featured
earlier in Sunday Funnies (see SUNFUN #273 "Science Friction!"
from 11/04/2001).
     The article claims to be a simple guide detailing the ten
steps involved in making an atom bomb, from obtaining "weapons
grade Plutonium at your local supplier" to "hiding the completed
device from your neighbors and children."  Which would indicate
that either the Taliban were so clueless that they were
downloading everything on the web containing the word
"thermonuclear," or we've discovered the only known Taliban
member with a sense of humor.


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NAME GAMES...
----------
     Many things did change as of September 11th.  One that
didn't change was the name of the bin Laden family business.  Now
the family owners of the Bin Laden Group are consulting with a
British public relations firm in an attempt to do damage control
for the company bearing the name of public enemy number one.
     London-based PR firm WMC Communications has announced that
it was one of several firms approached by the Saudi-based
conglomerate which is seeking to remove the taint of association
with the alleged architect of the attacks in the United States. 
Though the family condemned the World Trade Center attacks and
made it clear that they have nothing to do with the reclusive
terrorist, the bin Laden family business has been seriously hurt
financially since the attacks.
     "It is a big family.  There is a black sheep in every big
family," Osama's sibling Abdullah Mohammed bin Laden told The
Boston Globe in an interview.
     Worth more than $5 billion, the Bin Laden Group is one of
Saudi Arabia's biggest companies with interests in construction,
hotels, electronics, media and manufacturing.
     Osama bin Laden is one of 57 children of the late
construction magnate Muhammad bin Laden.  The terrorist inherited
millions of dollars upon his father's death but has since become
the pariah of the family.  The Bin Laden Group is seriously
considering changing its name to something less notorious.
     [ Yeah.  Hitler and Associates and the Stalin Agency
     both had the same problem... ]


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     "It was reported that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers
     and sisters.  Which absolutely shocked me because I had
     no idea he was Catholic."
                            - Conan O'Brien 


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A LAW TO TOSS?
-------------
     In the State of Florida, there is a rather strange law on
the books that was - supposedly - passed to prevent short people
from being exploited.  But what happens when the vertically
challenged folks WANT to be exploited?
     You know the answer - they sue, right?
     Which is how 38 inch (96.5 cm) Tampa radio personality Dave
Flood, known to his audience on WFLZ as "Dave the Dwarf," has
taken on the Florida legal system to allow his participation in
the sport of dwarf tossing.  Dave is applying, of course, to be
the tossee.
     Dwarf tossing, for those of you who don't know, is a barroom
contest where the big guys toss the little guys while getting
progressively more tanked.  The contest is somewhat supervised,
with the ballistic midget wearing protective gear and landing on
mattresses.  At least that's the plan.  The "sport" was a fad in
Australia a few years back, and was just beginning to catch on in
parts of the U.S. when a lobbying campaign by the advocacy group
Little People of America led to laws against using small folks as
sports equipment.  LPA says that the contests are demeaning and
encouraged people to treat dwarfs as objects.  Under the 1989
Florida law, bars that allow dwarf tossing contests can be
stripped of their liquor licenses.
     Dave Flood, on the other hand, says that the law is
unconstitutional because it discriminates against a specific
class of people, i.e. folks who are no taller when they stand up.
     "As soon as you have a physical handicap ... all of a sudden
they treat you like you don't have a mind of your own," Flood
said.  "Just because I'm 3-foot-2 doesn't mean I can't make
decisions."  (Reuters)
          [ The court's decision is expected shortly. ]


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ALL THINGS MUST PASS...
--------------------
     So much was made of the late George Harrison being the
"quiet Beatle" that people forget just how funny he could be. 
George was clearly the member of the "Fab Four" who could get the
most humor from the least words.  In 1963, when their long hair
styles were still quite a novelty, a reporter asked George, "What
do you call your haircut?"
     "Arthur," Harrison replied.


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ALL THE COMFORTS...
----------------
     Mountain climbing has long been known as a sport for those
who like to rough it.  But maybe not any more.  Climbers on
Japan's 1,729 meter (5,673 foot) Mount Daisen now have the
service of a custom-built comfort station at the top.  And it had
better be worth the climb, since this was one pricey potty - 70
million Yen, or just under $600,000.
     "We decided to build the toilets after climbers complained
that the old one smelled really bad," a Tottori prefectural
official said last week.
     Odorless or not, the environmentally friendly loo with a
view can now service up to a thousand people a day, quite a
traffic jam atop the roadless mountain peak.  (Reuters)


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UNREALITY SHOW
--------------
     The first African episode of the new season of the TV show
"Survivor" was shown in South Africa last week.  It wasn't highly
regarded.
     "Can the image of the American tourist get worse than this
bunch of screechers?" sniped Robert Kirby, TV critic for the Mail
& Guardian newspaper.
     "Survivor III: Africa," set in Kenya's Shaba National
Reserve, has been airing in the United States already for several
weeks and follows the familiar format.  Which has the South
Africans in stitches.  In the opening episode, the contestants
struggled to build a fire and one of the group envisaged an
encounter with tigers and bears.
     Oh, my!
     South Africans who know a thing or two about the bush found
their antics hilarious.  The participants might come across lions
and elephants.  But tigers and bears?  In Kenya?  Great apes
living wild in Chicago's Grant Park are more likely .  Some
doubted any of the American contestants could last long in the
African wilderness.
     "They're useless," snorted James Cameron - and he should
know.  A professional hunter and ex-infantry officer, Cameron
survived an airplane crash in northern Mozambique and spent two
days walking out of the bush.
     "In a situation like that you need fire and water and I
could not believe their total inability to deal with either."
     Even the show's title drew laughs from the South Africans. 
"It's a jungle out there," the tagline proclaims.  But Kenya is
actually a semi-arid savannah - no more of a jungle than, say, 
Kansas.  (Reuters)


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ARMED AND DANGEROUS
-------------------
     You'll be happy to know that motorist Stuart MacNamara has
been banned from driving for 18 months after police in Swansea,
England tagged him for talking on his phone while speeding down a
city street, driving drunk and running a red light.  Sadly
typical, you say.  Well, not quite.
     MacNamara only has one arm as the result of a previous
accident.
     "I think it would be fair to say this is a pretty unusual
case," Superintendent Richard Lewis of South Wales Police Force
said.  (Reuters)
          [ What I'd like to know is, what was he
          holding the wheel with, his teeth? ]


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GETTING A BANG OUT OF IT...
------------------------
     A passenger at Dallas-Fort Worth airport was only following
regulations when he caused a panic in the terminal.  He was
properly submitting his hunting rifle as checked baggage when the
clerk at the Delta ticket counter requested he pull the trigger
to show that the rifle was unloaded.
     It wasn't.
     No one was hurt, but the shot damaged a window and caused a
momentary panic among waiting passengers.  Being Texas, the
unnamed man was not charged and was allowed to board his flight. 
(Reuters)


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LIFE IS JUST ONE ADVENTURE AFTER ANOTHER...
----------------------------------------
     He's conquered the Amazon by canoe, explored the Blue Nile
and even hauled a grand piano 350 miles (565 km) through the
South American jungle to Guyana.  But British explorer John
Blashford-Snell recently had his roughest trip ever.
     Between London and Liverpool.  By train.
     The recently privatized British Railways, once the model of
the world, have been a widely-criticized mess since the
government stopped running them, and Blashford-Snell's 440-mile
(710km) round trip took nearly 22 hours.  Late trains, missing
drivers, signal failures, ice on the tracks and missed
connections were just the start of the problems he encountered.
     "Everything that could go wrong did," the explorer said. 
"It was the worst journey I have ever undertaken.  Certainly,
tracking through the Amazon, avoiding crocodiles and snakes,
pales into insignificance compared with going to Liverpool by
train," he said.  (Reuters)


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© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.