Greetings, Fellow History Makers,
Well, here we are again - another week has passed into
history.
Not that this is a surprise or anything uncommon. I just
thought I'd mention it in case you hadn't noticed - we get so
busy sometimes.
Perhaps the strangest thing about history, being the past
memories of all of us, is just how badly remembered it is.
Archivists and historians spend so much time writing this stuff
down, it's a real pity that we don't ever learn it properly.
According to a recent survey, adults got only 70% on a very basic
exam on American history. A third of adults had no idea where
the term "Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" originated.
And nearly a quarter of American adults didn't know that "the
redcoats" referred to the British soldiers Americans fought
against in the Revolutionary War.
Instead, we have the "near miss" theory of history, where
things are remembered for what they should have been, what they
were later called, or, how we see them looking back from our own
perspective. Most folks are surprised, for example, to find out
that the Woodstock Music Festival wasn't held in Woodstock, New
York, but down the road 20 miles (32 KM) near the town of
Saugerties. Or, that the Revolutionary War Battle of Bunker Hill
took actually took place on Breed's Hill. The image of Teddy
Roosevelt's Rough Rider's charging up San Juan Hill in the
Spanish-American War is so strong in our imagination that the
truth is hard to visualize. The Rough Rider's were certainly
brave, but they attacked alone only on Kettle Hill, not San Juan,
and they attacked on foot. Besides, Teddy Roosevelt absolutely
hated being called "Teddy" - he preferred T.R. The part about
winning the battle is correct, however.
Surprisingly, modern technology hasn't helped historic
accuracy. Dozens of half-read, half-remembered - or even, made
up - stories filter in on Email every day, most of them forwarded
for some political or social motive. Based on the SUNFUN
studies, fully 95% of these Email histories are wrong. President
Kennedy did have a secretary named (Evelyn) Lincoln, but Abraham
Lincoln did NOT have a secretary named Kennedy, despite the many
Email homilies that claim otherwise. Lincoln's White House
secretaries were John Nicolay and John Hay.
Oh, and that article in support of America by Canadian
broadcaster Gordon Sinclair that's been showing up everywhere on
the web lately is real. But it wasn't "recently printed in a
Toronto newspaper" and it isn't surprising that it was
"unreported in the American media" as the web story suggests. It
was, in fact, broadcast in 1973, during the Vietnam War. The
sentiment was heartfelt and appreciated, but Sinclair died in
1984, which somewhat limits his ability to comment on the 911
disaster. This keeps up and we may have to re-define the meaning
of immortality.
Thanks this week to our historically significant friends and
supporters. You folks do make a difference. Special thanks to:
Eva Lu Yu Hwa & Tiffany, Caterina Sukup, Jerry Taff, Keiko
Amakawa, Kenn Venit, Carol J. Becwar, The Petersons, Wallace
Adams, Sharon Nuernberg, Kerry Miller, Mary Crow, Peter J. Adler,
Jan Michalski, R.J. Tully, Tim McChain and Charles Beckman. We
spend years studying about past events in school, and often never
quite understand exactly how we got to be here. Not that history
has all the answers, but it does have some of the questions we
should be asking.
Have A Memorable Week,
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PART OF HISTORY
---------------
James Parks dug some of the first graves for Union Soldiers
in Arlington National Cemetery during the American Civil War.
Known as "Uncle Jim," Parks lived on the Arlington Estate for
some 90 years, beginning as a slave of Robert E. Lee's family in
the mid-1800's, and ending as a respected historian of the
cemetery and its surroundings. He died in 1929, having fathered
22 children and leaving a rich oral history of the Cemetery,
where he was buried with honors - the only historian of the
property who had once been owned as part of the estate.
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STILL WAITING...
-------------
Even with several extensions, the State of Florida never
quite filled its list of the "2,000 greatest residents in Florida
history." The state's Bureau of Historic Preservation had hoped
to announce the list almost two years ago, but let the idea drop
with only "a few hundred" famous names on the list. Nominees had
to be dead, and must had to have "made a significant contribution
to the culture or welfare of the state during their lifetime,"
according to list coordinator Kathleen Slesnick. (Reuters)
[ Famous people living in Florida were well
advised not to accept any food or drink from
Ms. Slesnick. ]
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BY ANY OTHER NAME...
-----------------
OK, so looking back over the tiny puddle of history since
the Clinton presidency, it is certain that it won't be a high
point in American history. That said, it becomes pretty clear
that some Republicans went just a little nuts about getting him
in any way possible.
As evidence, I give you died-in-the-wool conservative
Republican Michael Carroll, who was so incensed with Clinton that
he introduced a bill in the New Jersey legislature to rename part
of the district he represents: Clinton Township and the Town of
Clinton. Carroll's proposed replacement names? Reagan Township
and Town of Reagan, after that old actor from "Death Valley Days"
and "Bedtime for Bonzo."
Only one small problem, the Clinton the towns were named
after had nothing to do with the former president or his family.
The town, founded in 1841, was named for the federalist New York
Gov. DeWitt Clinton, architect of the Erie Canal which connects
the Atlantic Ocean to the Great Lakes.
"People were really enamored of him," said Township Clerk
Lois Terreri. "If he hadn't died suddenly [in 1828] he might have
been president."
Residents of the towns thought that Carroll was nuts.
"I think it's silly," said Terreri at the time, "it's a
waste of taxpayers' money."
Even Carroll admitted that the bill was frivolous and just
introduced for the publicity. It was never brought to a vote and
died without comment. But Carroll defended it anyway.
"If this is the silliest bill I vote on at the end of the
day, I'll eat it," he said. (Reuters)
[ You mean, he hoped there would be even
stupider bills introduced? Any way you look
at it, in just under 175 years, we've gone
from DeWitt to half wit. ]
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HISTORY COARSE
--------------
There have been a few dozen versions of history by student
bloopers that have gone across the web, most of them tracing back
to an original piece by Richard Lederer of St. Paul's School.
But there are dozens of other collections, as well. In typical
SUNFUN fashion, here is the complete compendium of student
history, from the "Stoned Age," though "Middle Evil Times" and on
to "The Age of Now." Here are the best mangled moments of
Western civilization:
"History is the behind of the present," according to one
student, who aptly added: "This gives incites from the anals of
the past."
"The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an
apple tree." These "prehistoricle" times were called the "Stoned
Age."
"The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived
in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the
Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so
certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation." One
of their famous leaders was the pharaoh "King Toot." According
to the Bible, pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread
without straw.
Ancient followers of "Judyism" searched forty years through
the "Dessert" for the "Land of Milk and Chocolate." This was the
birth of "monolithic" religion since, "Judyism had one big God
named Yahoo". "Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavenbed bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments."
"David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He
fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and
500 porcupines."
Ancient Greece was the "Home of Golden Fleas." "Without the
Greeks, we wouldn't have history. Homer wrote the 'Oddity,' in
which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his
journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another
man with the same name."
"Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose
of wedlock."
"In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a
coral wreath."
"Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History
[called these] people Romans because they never stayed in one
place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic
in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they
thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrant
who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to
them." Spartacus led a slave rebellion in ancient "Roam" and
then "appeared in a movie about it later."
Christianity was "Just another mystery cult until Jesus was
born." Jesus gave "incite" into the new religion when he said
that, "The mice shall inherit the earth."
"Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the
Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery and King Harlod
mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc
was canonized by George Bernard Shaw. Finally, the Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
offense."
"In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The
greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
verse and also wrote literature. [One] tale tells of William
Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his
son's head."
"The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt
the value of their human being." Martin Luther started the
Reformation when he "nailed 95 theocrats to a church door" and
later died of "A Diet of Worms." It was the painter Donatello's
interest in the female nude that made him the father of the
Renaissance."
The Renaissance "was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh
is a historical figure because he invented cigarette. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. [And] Sir
Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper."
In England, King "Henry VIII found walking difficult because
he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth exposed herself
before her troops, they all shouted 'hurrah.' Then her navy went
out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo."
"The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous
only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry
wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. Writing at the
same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote 'Donkey
Hote'. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife dies and he wrote 'Paradise
Regained.'"
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered American while cursing about
the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was
called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth
Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried
porpoises on their back. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for
the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born.
Captain John Smith was responsible for all this."
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally, the colonists
won the War and no longer paid for taxis." The Boston Tea Party,
by the way, was held at Pearl Harbor.
"Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the
Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin
Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his
pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared 'a horse
divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and
is still dead."
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time
became the Father of our Country. Then the Constitution of the
United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under
the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare
arms."
"France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution
was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the
theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into
Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of
Europe were trembling in their shoes. [Napoleon] wanted an heir
to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't bear him any children."
"Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin
which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President,
he wore only a tall silk hat. Abraham Lincoln write the
Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg
on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation
Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes
citizenship. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving
picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth.
This ruined Booth's career."
"Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable
time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called
'Candy.' Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly
noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the
trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so
was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half
English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music."
In 1876, General George "Custard" was in the Battle of
Little Bighorn but "managed to stand up anyway."
"The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire was in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen
Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
Her death was the final event which ended her reign."
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions
and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of
rivers to spring up. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species." Madman Curie
discovered Radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
Brothers."
The first airplane was also flown by the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, "caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error." In World War I,
the British leader of a revolt by the Arabs against the
"Automaton Empire" was "Florence of Arabia."
"When the Davy Jones Index crashed in 1929, many people were
left to political incineration. Some, like John Paul Sart,
retreated into extraterrestrialism." The New Deal was an idea
inspired by President "Franklin Eleanor Roosavelt."
Adolph Hitler, the "Nazi leader of a Communist Germany"
spurred a huge "anti-semantic" movement through the terrifying
secret police called the "Gespacho." The "Nasties" launched a
"Blintzkrieg" called "Operation Barbarella" while the English
"vanely hoped for peas." The war began to go against the Axis
when the "Allies landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced
up her leg." Hitler eventually "shot himself in the bonker."
After the war, the Communists built the "Berlin Mall."
and Chairman "Moo" took over China. The former British Empire
was in a "state of recline. Its colonies slowly dribbled away."
In the U.S., Civil rights leader "Martian Luther King's"
four steps to direct action included "self purification," when
you "allow yourself to be eaten to a pulp." "Martin Luther
Junior" was slain in the 1960s, shortly after making his famous
"If I Had A Hammer" speech.
Also in the 1960's, we had the "Canadian Missile Crisis,"
clashes between "Israelis and Parisians."
Then we had the "Iran Hostess Crisis," followed by the Gulf
War in which "Satan Husane invaded Kiwi and Sandy Arabia" in an
act of "premedication."
But we should be proud, because we Americans, "in all
humidity" are nothing less than "the people of currant times."
- (Richard Lederer and Anders
Henriksson)
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© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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