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 [ BACK]  [NEXT]                       Issue #262 - 08/19/2001

TOOLS & FOOLS

SUNFUN'S How To For Help Getting Stuff Done

Greetings, Do-It-Yourselfers,
     I grew up with a very handy father, whose only real fault
was - and is - a serious tendency to over build.  While it is a
little intimidating to have a father who was so good at fixing
things, I learned about how things work and how to fix most
things that break.  Enough to develop a reputation among my
friends as a fixer, anyway.  Growing up in this environment, I
became intimately familiar with the old-time hardware stores. 
These were special places - temples to the wonders of tools and
parts.  You could always count on someone there knowing the
correct size O-rings for a Chicago Brass Model 531 bathtub faucet
- without looking it up.  Try that with the McDonald's washout
clerks at today's all-self-service "home" stores and you get only
blank looks...  Enough to make you wonder if the clerk even
realizes that there ARE O-rings in faucets.  Or that there are
faucets.
     In the old days, the local Ace Hardware was an all-male
domain with a high priesthood dominated by - well - the kind of
guys who hung out in hardware stores.  The veritable hardware
pope was the guy who could repair almost anything.  Every store
had at least one of these.  But they also had a few pretenders to
the throne who you had to avoid.  These were the sort who talked
convincingly well, but really didn't know how to fix ANYTHING.   
There seems to be some gene in males that keeps them trying to
fix things, whether they are any good at it or not.  It is a
common male drive to make things better and be able to repair
anything.  The urge to do things yourself is a drive for
accomplishment and self-reliance.  It is part of the search for
the meaning of life...  A philosophical frame of mind that is
admittedly hard to keep when the faucet is still dripping at 3AM. 
Part of this drive is the quest for knowledge and the desire to
overcome obstacles.  But mostly, it's because we are too cheap to
call in a plumber on overtime. 
     One "how-to" tip we have is how to write five years of
weekly goofiness without going nuts.  While there are those who
claim that it helps an awful lot to START OFF crazy, we mostly
depend on all of you folks who contribute ideas and material to
SUNFUN.  This is something else you really CAN'T get at the
hardware store or home center.  Hello and Thank You this week to: 
Bernie Becwar, Howard Lesniak, Kaori Itako, Jerry Taff, Sarah
Morsman, Peter J. Adler, Kerry Miller, Catherine Cassidy, Chuck
Beckman (One N!), Tom Hadley, Chuck Maray, R.J. Tully, Rosana
Leung, Wallace Adams, Tim McChain, Bruce Gonzo, Yasmin Leischer
and Carol Becwar.
     For basic repairs, you really need only two tools: WD-40 and
duct tape.  WD-40 is the miracle lubricant that even pushes away
water.  And duct tape is like the Force - it has a dark side and
a shiny side and it binds the universe together.  The rules are
simple:  If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40; If it moves
and shouldn't, use the tape.
     Have A Handy Kind Of Week,

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     SHARPER SCISSORS
          Take your dull scissors and cut through three layers of
          tin foil ten times.  Cut some paper to test.  Repeat if
          not sharp enough for you.  Or...  cut a sheet of
          medium-grade sand paper into small pieces.

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HOW TO: Use All Those Free AOL CDs
----------------------------------
     Everybody gets them - all of those the free software CDs for
AOL that seem to rain out of the magazines you buy.  You COULD
use them for AOL service, but why make yourself crazy?  AOL used
to send their software on floppies, which could at least be
formatted and reused, but what to do with unwanted CDs?  We put
our best How To'ers on the job, and came up with these
suggestions (Martha Stewart eat your heart out):


   - With tape over the hole, they make good drink coasters.

   - I found that the new CDs make a great border for my window
     garden box - If you put the data side towards the plants the
     light makes great rainbows and serves to focus the light on
     the plants.

   - Use them as disposable hotpads - protect your table from
     burns caused by hot pots and pans.

   - At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.

   - Hang them from strings over the garden for a
     techno-scarecrow.

   - Use them as Christmas tree ornaments (the more the merrier).

   - Keep a few in the car for use as ice scrapers.

   - Use them as bookmarks in your computer manuals.

   - When walking the dog, they make good pooper scoopers.

   - Attach an AOL CD to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly
     swatter.

   - Drill a couple of holes and use them for light switch covers
     in the computer room.

   - Glue several together and use as a paper weight.

   - Pack them in an envelope with photos as shipping material
     (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).

   - Glue a line of them to the front of your car's hood as a bug
     shield.  Or as a hood ornament.

   - Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City
     under water.

   - Use them as Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.


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     FASHION TIP:
          Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store. 

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HOW TO: Get Rid of Unwanted Teenagers...
-------------------------------------
     John Symes of Hobbycraft in Great Britain sent along a note
from Retail Week, which related a report by the South China
Morning Post on a unique effort by a shopping mall in Wollongong,
Australia.  In an effort to discourage unruly gangs of teenagers
from congregating at the mall, the mall owners began playing Bing
Crosby records -- and the crime rate has dropped to almost zero.
     Now the mall is considering installing pink lighting to
discourage loitering at night.  Apparently the color accentuates
acne.


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     "When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of
     800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep
     comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly
     over half that quantity of beer."
                            - Dave Berry

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HOW TO: Cook Like A Cordon Bleu Chef
------------------------------------
     Got a dinner planned and no time to learn how to cook?  You
take the folks out, but that won't really impress them like a
fine gourmet dinner served on your own cheap plates from K-Mart.
     A Manhattan company, Impromptu Gourmet, has the answer. 
They arranged for seven world-renowned chefs to design kits that
put a gourmet, restaurant-quality meal on the table in 30
minutes.  This is a long way from a "boil-in-bag" TV dinner.
     Open a box, snip a few plastic bags and turn on the stove
for red snapper with tamarind and lime leaf reduction, or breast
of duck with pomegranate molasses glaze.  With pre-measured and
prepared ingredients like chopped vegetables, leek puree, duck
stock and soy-ginger vinaigrette already prepared and packaged in
individual, lettered pouches, the Impromptu Gourmet lets even the
most incompetent chef look like another Julia Child.  They even
enclose serving suggestions and photos so the meals can be
properly arranged and presented.
     The price is a little steeper than Swanson frozen pot pies,
of course.  But at $35 to $39 per kit (which serves two), it is
still cheaper than going out.  And it will certainly impress
folks more than any spaghetti-sauce-from-a-jar meal.  (Reuters)


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     UNSTICK ZIPPERS
          Zipper stuck?  Try rubbing an ordinary pencil over it a
          few times.  The graphite will help it slide smoothly. 
          If that doesn't work... try rubbing with a candle.

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     WORTH YOUR SALT...
          If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
          cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the
          excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

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STILL CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT?
-------------------------
     When you can figure out how something works, you can't fix
it.  For a quick answer to those nagging questions, try the folks
at "How Stuff Works"  http://www.howstuffworks.com/
     One thing - If it is your computer that isn't working, this
probably isn't the easiest solution.


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     REMOVING HEEL MARKS FROM YOUR FLOOR
          Spray WD-40 on the heel marks and wipe up with a paper
          towel.

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     LONGER LASTING CUT FLOWERS
          Combine two tablespoons of vinegar, three tablespoons
          of sugar and one quart (about liter) of warm water in
          your vase.  Your cut flowers will last much longer!

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HOW TO: More Handy (?!) Hints...
-----------------------------

   - A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the
     phone.  That way, when a salesperson calls, you can hold the
     receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until
     they hangs up.

   - Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.  
     Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't
     know.

   - Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.  Warning:
     Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

   - Always take credit for miracles.  If you dropped the alarm
     clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working,
     you have healed it.

   - Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car
     phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to
     your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and over
     the curb while holding an animated conversation.

   - Try to work alone.  An audience is rarely any help.

   - Work in the kitchen whenever you can ...  many fine tools
     are there, its warm and dry, and you are closer to the
     supply of cold beer.

   - "If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly."
                            - G. K. Chesterton

   - If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife.  If you break
     off the tip, it's an even better screwdriver.

   - Weight Loss Tip:  Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and
     rancid tuna.  You might find that the subsequent food
     poisoning will enable you to lose as much as 6 pounds per
     day.

   - When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic
     table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

   - Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
     turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
     illegally.

   - No time for a bath?  Wrap yourself in masking tape and
     remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

   - Red meat is not bad for you.  Now blue-green meat, that's
     bad for you!             - Tommy Smothers

   - You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows 
     on the north side of your compass.

   - In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness
     by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the
     elastic waistband of your underwear.

   - I always advise people never to give advice. 

   - Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. 
     The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
     carpet.  (Use a contrasting color if you have a red carpet. 
     If it is a shag carpet, this would be a really good time to
     replace it anyway.)

   - Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and
     throwing sometimes DOES help.

   - If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.  Simply
     pour a pint of boiling water down their throat and presto!
     The blockage is almost instantly removed.

   - You can duplicate the warmth of an expensive down-filled
     bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several
     geese.

   - Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey.  The
     following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
     drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging
     your head on the wall repeatedly.

   - Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then
     it isn't stupid.  Claim you meant to do it that way.


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     NO DRIPS -
          Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar
          cone to prevent ice cream drips.

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HOW TO: Keep A Nice Green Lawn - Even In A Drought
--------------------------------------------------
     It seems like Frank Rudisill of Atlantic City, New Jersey is
always in trouble these days.  The trouble isn't that he has a
ratty looking yard - in fact, it's because his yard looks too
good.
     At first, his neighbors suspected he was violating the
state's watering restrictions, which prohibit the watering of
lawns because of a local drought.  One woman left a nasty note in
his mailbox, a man walking his dog kept walking without even
looking when Rudisill said hello.  And he's had numerous visits
from the police and local authorities, all suspecting illegal
water use.
     The answer is much simpler - something he saw on TV.  While
watching football.
     Rudisill, says he was tired of watching his lawn wither in
the drought that has gripped the northeastern United States and
turned lawns to an unsightly brown.  He got to wondering how the
sports teams always seem to have nice green lawns on TV, even the
ones in his area.  The secret is a little-known fact about sports
fields: a dye called Lesco Green.  This is the same dye that
makes the playing fields of the National Football League look so
good on television.
     Yup - his lawn is painted green.
     "I admit it.  People think I'm crazy," Rudisill, a certified
financial planner, says.  "But I spend a lot of time out there. 
I can't handle looking out the window and thinking, 'My God, it
looks terrible.'"
     While it doesn't cause any fines for using local water, the
green stuff does cost a lot of green stuff: it's a pricy
$43-a-gallon (3.8 liters).  And, like hair dye, it has to be
reapplied when the roots start to show.  (Reuters)


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     WINDOW CLEANER
          Fill a spray bottle with three tablespoons of ammonia,
          one tablespoon of vinegar, a few ounces of denatured
          alcohol and cold water.  (add a drop of blue food
          coloring and it looks just like the store-bought kind).

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HOW TO: Become A Successful Treasure Hunter
-------------------------------------------
     Englishman Kevin Elliott, 33, was visiting his father's
dairy farm when his cousin Martin produced a new toy he'd bought
for use at the beach - a metal detector.
     Persuaded to give it a try, the reluctant Elliott took a few
casual swipes along the ground, and, within two minutes,
discovered the largest hoard of Roman coins ever found in Britain
- 9,377 silver coins of various sizes.  (Reuters)


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     KITCHEN SAFETY TIP:
          Never lick a steak knife.

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HOW TO: Remain forever useful
-----------------------------     
     There comes an age when all of us have to give in to the
passing of time and admit that we can no longer help around the
house.  This is especially true after death.  Unless, of course,
you are Malcolm Eccles.
     Despite having died some years ago, Malcolm manages to help
around the house nearly every day.  Before his death, the ever-
handy Eccles arranged for a specially-designed glass egg timer to
hold his ashes.
     "I can't boil a soft egg to save my life," widow Brenda
Eccles said.  "He knew that and said I should turn some of his
ashes into an egg-timer.  Then he could help me and it would be a
nice way of remembering him."'  (AP)
          [ It's a tossup whether their kitchen will be
          featured on the "Better Homes & Gardens Show"
          or "The Twilight Zone." ]


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© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.