Salutations, Jargonauts!
Dictionaries are another of those wonders of modern life
that no one ever considered before the Renaissance. That is
probably not surprising, as the need for new words is directly
tied to innovation and change. When people have new views,
concepts or ideas, they need new words to describe and explain
them. Folks in the Middle Ages could probably get along just
fine with the same small stock of words their grandparents - or
even great grandparents - used.
English was also a development of that time of incredible
change, which is probably why Modern English has so very many
words - maybe four times what even the most educated person could
ever use. As we've discussed previously, there are no rules in
English for who may add words, so the coining of new usages is
highly democratic. The downside is that all of these words lead
to some mysterious and odd connections. For example: Why is the
person you hire to make money for you on the stock market called
"a broker?"
Even politicians can get into the new word business.
Feeling the need for a new word recently when speaking about tax
cuts before the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, President George W.
Bush did some wordsmithing. Sharing the same speaking style as
his father (George the First), the Prez reached out for an
ethnically descriptive word that wasn't there until he invented
it.
"... the facts are that thousands of small businesses --
Hispanically owned or otherwise -- pay taxes at the highest
marginal rate...," he said.
That means that you are now free to use the hitherto unknown
term "Hispanically" to describe anything of Latin origins, such
as that new Hispanically-oriented restaurant. I can hardly wait
for GW to speak before a Asian-American group so we can have the
useful term Chinesically.
Gratitudinously speaking, we have quite a few folks to thank
this week, including: Jan Michalski, Helen Yee, Jerry Taff, Paul
Roser, Tim McChain, Rosana Leung, Nnamdi Elleh, Chuck Maray, R.J.
Tully, Kerry Miller, Wallace Adams, John (the rad measurement
unit king) Wallner, Bruce Gonzo, Yasmin Leischer, Sharon
Nuernberg, Bernie & Donna Becwar, Mary Crow, Nancy Wohlge and
Charles Beckman. Thanks to all of you who contribute to Funnies,
and help to make this weekly festival happen. I acknowledge my
indebtedness to this hale and hardy host, this friendly company
of brothers and sisters, this...
That's it! I really have to give up reading Shakespeare
before trying to write something as silly as this.
Have A Lexically Enhanced Week,
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"As sheer casual reading matter, I still find the
English dictionary the most interesting book in our
language.
- Albert Jay Nock (Memoirs of a
Superfluous Man)
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WHY HOMER IS AMONG THE CLASSICS...
-------------------------------
English is a rich and colorful language developed over many
centuries and spoken by nearly half the people on this old
rockball. And now it has a another new word - Doh!
The famous catchphrase of cartoon character Homer Simpson
has made it into the updated online edition of the Oxford English
Dictionary, published in June.
About as near as we English speakers have to an official
language police, acceptance by the dons of Oxford means that Doh!
is now an official word, along with other new entries such as
"pants," "bad hair day" and "full monty" in the sense of naked.
"Street cred" for reliable information and "clubbing" for
disco visits also made the cut.
"Once a word has been used a certain amount of times,
appeared in print a certain amount of times and has become
current, it is entered into the dictionary," an Oxford English
Dictionary spokesperson said.
The dictionary's editors spend much of their time these days
sifting through popular culture for words that have become
current.
"My job is the perfect excuse for watching action films,
soaps, quiz program - where the language is busy right now," said
chief editor John Simpson. (CNN)
[ Simpson! Well, that explains it... Doh! ]
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"One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song,
read a good poem, see a fine picture and if, were
possible, speak a few reasonable words."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (Wilhelm
Meister's Apprenticeship)
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VIRTUALLY NEW WORDS...
-------------------
ANNOYBOTS - (n.) "Features" of a computer program that drive
people nuts, like the ever vexing "Clippy" in Microsoft
Word. After users spent three years complaining about
the smarmy slug popping up to make unwanted and
irrelevant suggestions, Microsoft finally decided to
take Clippy out and shot him. Then they trumpeted this
in a self-congratulatory advertising campaign. The
folks who invented the hated "Bob" operating system had
something to do with this, I'll bet.
ANSWERVE - (n.) To make an accidental lane change answering
the cell phone while driving.
ASCIIbetical order - (adj.) The "special" way computers sort
lists. We've all grown accustomed to it by now, but
there was a time when "St." came after "Sah..." and
before "Saj... ." Also moves anything starting with a
number to the front and certain non-alphabet characters
to the end.
AYATOLLA WING - (adj.) The far right, ultraconservatives part
of a political party.
BACK STORY - (n.) The events of a character's life prior to
the start of a fictional story. Also used as a
metaphor to mean "background."
BARFMAIL - (n.) Multiple bounce messages accumulating to the
level of serious annoyance, or worse. The sort of
thing that happens when inter-network mail goes down or
silly.
BLUE SNAILS - (n.) Friendly online term for US Postal Service
workers.
BROCHUREWARE - (n.) Planned but non-existent product. Like
vaporware, but with the added implication that
marketing is actively selling and promoting it (they've
even printed brochures!). Brochureware is often a
company's strategic weapon; the idea is to con
customers into not committing to an existing
competitor's product.
CADILLACING - (v.) Slang for relaxing or "chilling."
CHAD - (n.) The punched-out part bit of paper from a
computer card, otherwise known as computer confetti.
Once a obscure word known only to computer folk old
enough to remember the pre-historic days of punch-card
computing, 2000's election fiasco in Florida brought
the word into the mainstream.
The word itself derives from the now-forgotten
"Chadless" keypunch machine - named for its inventor -
which did not punch the little bits of paper all the
way out, but left one edge attached (also the first
instance of "hanging chad"). The superior IBM and NCR
keypunch machines punched the paper all the way out,
leading early data processing folk to the conclusion
that if the other sort of machine was "chadless," the
little bits of computer confetti produced by these
machines must be chad.
DOORSTOP DANISH - (n.) The several-days-old donuts found in
gas stations, along with stale pocket pies and coffee
the color and consistency of the stuff they paint on
phone poles.
EJECTRODE - (n.) A tool (usually made from a bent paper clip)
used for manually ejecting CD ROMs from a drive when
the button doesn't work.
FACTOID - (n.) A small unit of information. If you are
reading it online, may or may not be true (unless you
read it here in SUNFUN, of course).
FLABBERGASTED - (adj.) To be appalled by how much weight you
have gained.
GARDEN BURGER - (n.) A hamburger made with a non-meat,
all-vegetarian patty instead of beef. Supposed to be
good for you, but probably contains as many chemically
modified organic compounds as the dirt under an oil
refinery.
GLOBOBOSS - (n.) The big cheese of an international company
who has the ability to perform well across the globe.
Or thinks he does.
GREENSPEAK - (n.) The often impenetrable statements that Alan
Greenspan utters. Interpretations of Greenspeak can
cause the market to rise or fall dramatically, in what
is known as the "Greenspan effect."
INFOLANCHE - (n.) The avalanche of information modern
communication brings. The huge number of varied-
quality information sites makes it very difficult to
mine the good information from all the muck online as
all sides contribute their thoughts, lack of thoughts,
opinions and other trivia.
JAPANIMATION - (n.) A type of cartoon or animation movie
originating in Japan often having robotic and
futuristic themes. Also refers to the style of
animation. The characters have a distinctive
appearance, usually incorporating large, round eyes
with a lock of hair hanging in front of one eye, and
nudity. Not for kids. Also known as "anime."
LATE PLATE - (n.) Dinner/meal eaten after the regular
(family-style) dinner is served. Common feature with
today's multiple-schedule households. Also, wave-
plate.
MEANDERTHAL - (n.) An annoying individual driving slowly and
aimlessly in front of another individual who is in a
bit of a hurry.
MOP - (n.) Millionaire On Paper, also called optionaires.
The high-tech, dot-com employees who accepted low pay
and stressful working conditions for overvalued stock
options. When the bubble burst, they found that 10,000
shares of nothing is still nothing. (See: Sucker.)
NAGWARE - (n.) Software that keeps bothering you to register
or upgrade, such as Real Player, etc.
NEGATIVE GROWTH - (n.) A spin doctorish way of describing a
business loss or downturn.
NUTRACEUTICAL - (n.) Food with pharmaceutical properties (such
as beta carotene). Lobbyists have been petitioning the
FDA to recognize this as a new category - a cross
between a food and a drug.
PAGEAVIEW - (n.) The curious feeling you get when your pager
goes off just as you are reaching to check it.
PANIC MERCHANTS - (n.) Businesses, media outlets, and morality
groups that make their living by capitalizing on common
fears and anxieties. AIDS, escalating crime, ecological
degradation, porn on the Internet, and antisocial rap
lyrics are some of the fears exploited by panic
merchants.
POETS Day - (n.) Friday (from _P_iss _O_n _E_verything,
_T_omorrow's _S_aturday).
POPAGANDA - (n.) Music that is popular with the general
public, and has purpose or is trying promote a
particular view or idea. (From the title of a K.D.
Lang album.)
PUNKDITS - (n.) Those radio hosts who thrive on fake
confrontation with powerless individuals; fake becasue
they hang up on anyone who doesn't agree with them.
(See: Dittohead, idiot.).
QUARTERLY CHARM DEFICIENCY (QCD) - (n.) An emotional disorder
that arises in executives at the end of each fiscal
quarter.
SCARECROW TECHNOLOGY - (n.) A heavily-hyped device or
technology that, once used, isn't so hot. (8-Track
Tapes, the IBM PCjr., Windows 3.0, etc.)
SINBIN - (n.) Recent British slang for the penalty box in
soccer. The meaning has lately been expanding to
include all such penalties.
SPENDORPHINS - (n.) The pleasure proteins that seem to be
released during a shopping frenzy. Coined by Martha
Barnette in Allure magazine.
STALKER SITE - (n.) A Web site created by an obviously
obsessed fan. "Have you seen that Gillian Anderson
stalker site? The guy's got like 200 pictures of her!"
STANDARD & POOR - (adj.) Major stock brokerage company. Also:
how everyone invested in high-tech felt after the crash
returned things to normal (See: MOP).
TELESCAM - (n.) An illegal money-making schemes conducted by
telemarketers. But then, what else do they do?
TIN POPCORN - (adj.) Description of what remains of a small
car after a run-in with a large truck.
TORPEDO - (n.) An unproductive worker going to work for a
competing company, sometimes after encouragement.
UNINSTALLED - (n.) Another euphemism for being fired. Heard
on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing
computer firm: "You have reached the number of an
uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main
number and ask the operator for assistance."
VUBICLE - (n.) The much coveted - and rare - office cubicle
with a window.
WALDO - (n.) An extravagant demonstration of a product that is
otherwise uninspired and unimaginative. Leaves buyers
with that "why the heck did I ever buy that?" feeling.
WOMBAT - (adj.) Waste Of Money, Brains And Time. Can apply to
a person, product or project.
WORDROBE - (n.) A person's vocabulary, as in: "He has an
extensive wordrobe."
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© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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