Salutations, Fellow Wordsmiths,
The term oxymoron is a bit of pseudo-Greek literary jargon
smashing together the Grecian terms for wise (oxy) and fool
(moron). Such is our connection with the literary past in
English that we can imagine the philosopher Plato using the same
word for idiot as the Three Stooges. More to the point (and I'd
better get there eventually), an oxymoron is pointedly foolish
saying where the words contradict themselves, something that also
aptly describes the entire English language.
A bit over a century ago, humorist Mark Twain wrote a piece
called "The Awful German Language." Naturally, he was trying to
be funny - that is what he was getting paid for, after all. In
that bit, Twain pointed out such oddities of German grammar as
the tendency to makenewwordsbycombininglotsofsmallerones and the
Deutsche tendency to the verb at the end of the sentence put.
Twain wrote that "Whenever the literary German dives into a
sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he
emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his
mouth" and that he "would class German as one of the dead
languages because only the dead have time to learn the grammar."
Even funnier, though, was that Twain was writing in English, a
language that is daily cussed at by a few hundred million people
around the world as being one of humankind's weirder inventions.
After you've been tossing words at a page for a while, you
begin to marvel that English can be used for any sort of
communication at all. For one thing, English is one of the few
common languages where nearly all of the common verbs are
irregular. Then there's the insanity of English spelling, where
any simple word can be spelled in a thousand different ways. One
famous example is "ghoti." That's an only slightly warped
spelling of the word fish, with the "gh" from enough, the "o"
from women and the "ti" from nation. Say what you will about
German, but at least their spelling is consistent enough so any
German-speaker can hear a word and take a good stab at spelling
it. Giv a trik lik that a tri in Inglish nd yu hav wurd salud -
or wurs. The more English spelling you learn, the less any of it
makes sense. It is almost as if our spelling was designed as a
kind of literary torture device.
All of this, though, makes the English language loads of
fun. No language is richer in homonyms, synonyms, acronyms and
just plain nyms than English. With over 450,000 wrong words to
stick in a given spot, insane spelling and goofy grammar, no
language is richer in humorous potential than English. Not bad
for an accidental tongue that was put together from the leftovers
of a dozen more "serious" languages.
Among the word wizards we honor this week are friends and
contributors: Rosana & Stanley Leung, R.J. Tully, Helen Yee,
Jerry Taff, Jan Michalski, Carol J. Becwar, Chuck Maray, Peter J.
Adler, Sharon Nuernberg, Emmy Kinkead, Junji & Miki Taniguchi and
Bruce Gonzo. Now enjoy that weirdness of the language where your
nose can run and your feet smell. And above all,
Hav A Grat Wek,
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ON ENGLISH PLURALISM
--------------------
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of mouse should never be meese.
You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,
So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.
- Author unknown
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OXY-GENERATOR
-------------
Here are a few of our favorite oxymorons:
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline food
Good grief
Civil War
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Military intelligence
Extinct life
Sweet sorrow
"Now, then..."
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
New classic
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
Pretty ugly
Working vacation
Exact estimate
And the top OXY-Moron of this modern age:
Microsoft Works
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WORD THAT MEAN BUSINESS
-----------------------
Modern business slang seems as likely to obscure and confuse
as it does to convey information. You get the distinct
impression that managers use these terms in order to sound like
they've attended a management seminar, rather than to express any
real thought. So you can avoid a few hundred dollars in tuition
fees, here's a quick guide to sounding up-to-date with the top
bosses:
- If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'.
- If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'.
- If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an
'option'.
- Never say that you'll just do the easiest part first, call
it "low hanging fruit."
- If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a
'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'.
- If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'.
- If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone
else to do it for you.
- If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to
operate.
- If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and
'ground the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position
the elephant in the room' and achieve 'buy-in'.
- Never criticize or boast, call it 'sharing best practice'.
- Never call something a failure or mistake, it's a 'positive
learning experience'.
- Never argue, have an 'adult conversation'.
- And never, NEVER say what you mean clearly and simply.
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SOUNDS LIKE?
-----------
Heteronyms are words having the same spelling but different
meanings. Considering all of the variations in English spelling,
it's a wonder that it never occurred to anyone to make the
spelling vary for clarity. They didn't, so we have these pairs
of words that are forever twins but fit together oddly. No
wonder English is so difficult!
- We must polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
- The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- The dove dove into the bushes.
- I did not object to that object.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when does are present.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind up the sail.
- The unemployed singer worked as a singer in a chicken
processing plant.
Bonus round -
- I had to set the set of dishes on the movie set in order to
set the dinner table. Now it's all set.
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IT'S JUST POLITICS, Y'ALL
-------------------------
The election of George W. Bush to the White House last year
(or was it this year?), marks a new high in cowboy sheik. Not
since Lyndon Johnson sat in the big chair have so many down-home
Texas expressions been used by the president and his staff. And
many of us have been confused over the last few months, trying to
figure out what the heck George is saying. That is assuming he
can hack his way through the thicket of verbiage, of course.
Bush is widely known for leaving audiences confused -- which may
be partly intentional.
Anyway, for those of you not native to the Lone Star state,
here's a quick translation guide to the Bush team's cowboy
colloquialisms. Some of them have a little ring of sagebrush
Shakespeare about them:
TEXICAN ANGLICAN
------- --------
The engine's runnin' but Not overly intelligent.
ain't nobody driving.
As welcome as a skunk at Not welcome at all.
a lawn party.
Tighter than bark on a tree. A cheapskate
All hat and no cattle. Someone who is all talk and no
action.
We've howdied but we ain't We've made a brief
shook yet. acquaintance, but we haven't
been formally introduced.
He thinks the sun comes up A person who has a pretty high
just to hear him crow. opinion of himself
She's got tongue enough for My goodness, that woman can
10 rows of teeth. talk.
It's so dry the trees are We really could use a little
bribin' the dogs. rain around here.
More nervous than a long-tail Very nervous
cat in a room full of rockin'
chairs.
Consulting with our allies Telling them what we are going
to do whether they like it or
not.
Just because a chicken has Appearances can be deceptive.
wings don't mean it can
fly.
This ain't my first time at I'm not as naive as you think.
the rodeo.
He looks like the dog's been A really ugly guy
keepin' him under the porch.
Time to paint your butt white Stop arguing and do as you're
and run with the antelope. told.
As full of wind as a Rather prone to boasting
corn-eating horse.
You can always tell a Texan But you can't tell him much.
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PERFECT PITCH?
-------------
A symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.
During the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes,
during which the bass players have nothing to do. Rather than
stand on the stage that whole time looking stupid, some bassists
decided to sneak away and have a few rounds at the tavern next
door. A couple of horn players decided to go along, as horn
players will.
After slamming down several drinks, one of the bass players
looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we
might need some extra time, so I tied a string around the last
few pages of the conductor's score. It'll take him a while to
get it untangled."
A short while later they staggered back to the concert hall
and took their places in the orchestra. Unfortunately, the horn
players were already too schnozzled to walk, so they stayed in
the bar.
About this time, a member of the audience noticed the
conductor seemed pretty nervous and mentioned it to her
companion.
"Well, of course he's nervous," said her friend. "Don't you
see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, there are two out, the score
is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
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© 2001 by Bill Becwar. All Rights Reserved.
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